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Death followed by lies and doubts


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Just over 3 months ago my boyfriend of just 2 years died suddenly. 
He had been texting me for weeks before I finally gave in to him. He used to tell me I was everything he wanted and he’d do anything to get us together. He was funny and said all the right things and I thought... he could be the one! We did everything together. Wherever we went he would hold my hand and he used to tell anyone who would listen how much he loved me and how proud he was to be with me. We lived together quite soon in the relationship but it was what we both wanted. I loved the bones of him and I thought he did me too. Once we started living together I noticed things. I saw how secretive he was with his phone. He took it everywhere with him and his laptop and other devices were all password protected. It seemed strange as I had nothing to hide so my phone and PC he could gladly use. I used to ask him why but it would cause a fallout so I stopped. Then I noticed that he was still in constant contact with his ex. I put up with this because they had a child. I have a child with my ex and we get on well but we do not speak and text all the time. I felt it a bit disrespectful to me but again when I mentioned it he would turn it to be me in the wrong so I would shut up.

One night he stayed up late. He came up to bed thinking I was asleep and put his phone on the bed while he went to the bathroom. Shortly after his phone buzzed and he had been sitting downstairs messaging another girl talking about sex and flirting. I knew she wasn’t an isolated case too but couldn’t prove that. My world crashed. I was broken, totally broken. He couldn’t deny this one... yet again he said the right things to me and because I wanted to believe him I let it go but a couple of days later I was back to feeling worthless and he was back hiding his phone. 

We carried on, I still loved him so much and some days were good and made me believe in us but I always lived with this nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach. Should we stay together or should I walk away, although I knew he’d go and move back in with his ex if I made him leave me. He could manipulate her to agree to that. 
 

His last few days were lovely. We were close, we did things together and he would keep putting his arms around me and telling me he loved me and that he’d never leave me. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be happy together but why did I feel like I was sharing him with, not just his ex, but whoever else he may have been messaging. We even talked about marriage although maybe that was just words? He died in his sleep, I found him and I fought so hard to bring him back. I’m haunted by that night. He promised he’d never leave me and he had. If that wasn’t bad enough to deal with I then had his parents telling me that he had been telling them for months that he wanted to leave and that he’d called me some awful things. My heart couldn’t break anymore. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so low. Right now I am sad, hurt and so unbelievably confused. Did he love me? Did he say those things? Why would he not just go if he didn’t want me. I gave him everything, I was loyal, reliable and did everything for him to try and be the best girlfriend I could be. I couldn’t have given anymore. I don’t know how to move on from this with all this doubt and confusion running constantly around in my head. I just don’t know how to deal with it 😥

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Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this personal devastation, and sorrier that no one has yet replied, but I'm sure someone will, soon.

I don't know why some guys do such things.  You're right, if he wanted to go and didn't want to be with you, he could have said so and left, and then you would be feeling a cleaner break-- sad and brokenhearted, yes, but you would have a clear demarcation or a "clean break" where he snapped off the connection and left you.  Instead, you have a ragged, raw wound that has had all kinds of salt poured into it, by things like his parents' reports of what he had said about you (they should have kept it to themselves) and of course waking up and finding he had died in his sleep.  No wonder you feel so shredded emotionally and mentally.  I'd say you have every right to feel that way.

I'm pretty sure Marty has some articles on grief without closure and disenfranchised grieving that she will be along to post soon.

For now, if you can, try to treat yourself gently and realize that you didn't do anything wrong.  He was the unhappy one, the one who was flirting and sexting with exes and other women, looking for a way to fill that void in himself and failing to realize what a jewel he had already.  That's classic behavior, the old "grass is greener" thing.  It's on him, but unfortunately, you're left holding the pieces, many of which are your own broken heart.

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I'm so sorry that your post did not appear until now. For some reason I was not notified of your membership application until this evening, when I stumbled upon it by accident and validated it.

In any event, I hope you will accept our deepest sympathy and heartfelt condolences for your loss. Since you are left with so many unanswered questions and so much unfinished business, I urge you to find a qualified grief counselor who can help you sort through and come to terms with where you are in this relationship. You need and deserve to have that kind of support, and I hope you will think of it as a gift you can give to yourself.

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On 6/6/2020 at 3:34 AM, Suzie-Lou said:

Just over 3 months ago my boyfriend of just 2 years died suddenly. 
He had been texting me for weeks before I finally gave in to him. He used to tell me I was everything he wanted and he’d do anything to get us together. He was funny and said all the right things and I thought... he could be the one! We did everything together. Wherever we went he would hold my hand and he used to tell anyone who would listen how much he loved me and how proud he was to be with me. We lived together quite soon in the relationship but it was what we both wanted. I loved the bones of him and I thought he did me too. Once we started living together I noticed things. I saw how secretive he was with his phone. He took it everywhere with him and his laptop and other devices were all password protected. It seemed strange as I had nothing to hide so my phone and PC he could gladly use. I used to ask him why but it would cause a fallout so I stopped. Then I noticed that he was still in constant contact with his ex. I put up with this because they had a child. I have a child with my ex and we get on well but we do not speak and text all the time. I felt it a bit disrespectful to me but again when I mentioned it he would turn it to be me in the wrong so I would shut up.

One night he stayed up late. He came up to bed thinking I was asleep and put his phone on the bed while he went to the bathroom. Shortly after his phone buzzed and he had been sitting downstairs messaging another girl talking about sex and flirting. I knew she wasn’t an isolated case too but couldn’t prove that. My world crashed. I was broken, totally broken. He couldn’t deny this one... yet again he said the right things to me and because I wanted to believe him I let it go but a couple of days later I was back to feeling worthless and he was back hiding his phone. 

We carried on, I still loved him so much and some days were good and made me believe in us but I always lived with this nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach. Should we stay together or should I walk away, although I knew he’d go and move back in with his ex if I made him leave me. He could manipulate her to agree to that. 
 

His last few days were lovely. We were close, we did things together and he would keep putting his arms around me and telling me he loved me and that he’d never leave me. I wanted to believe him, I wanted to be happy together but why did I feel like I was sharing him with, not just his ex, but whoever else he may have been messaging. We even talked about marriage although maybe that was just words? He died in his sleep, I found him and I fought so hard to bring him back. I’m haunted by that night. He promised he’d never leave me and he had. If that wasn’t bad enough to deal with I then had his parents telling me that he had been telling them for months that he wanted to leave and that he’d called me some awful things. My heart couldn’t break anymore. I didn’t think it was possible to feel so low. Right now I am sad, hurt and so unbelievably confused. Did he love me? Did he say those things? Why would he not just go if he didn’t want me. I gave him everything, I was loyal, reliable and did everything for him to try and be the best girlfriend I could be. I couldn’t have given anymore. I don’t know how to move on from this with all this doubt and confusion running constantly around in my head. I just don’t know how to deal with it 😥

I am sorry this post didn't show up sooner.  You are going through so much, I know right now you can't imagine life ever feeling right again.  It'll take time to process this and I hope you will be able to get some counseling to help guide you through your road to positivity...it's hard to do it without a guide sometimes!  One of the things people seldom talk about are the secrets they discover and have to deal with following their partner's death.  It can be hard to reconcile with who you knew them to be or who they purported to be.  

People are complex and often have different aspects to them.  Had he wanted away from you, he undoubtedly would have said so and done something about it.  Instead, for some reason it seems he wanted to dally rather than give you what was justly yours...faithfulness.  I'm not sure of all of the reasons some people are unfaithful, sometimes it can be a lack in the relationship but not always...I believe you gave your all and did nothing to deserve this.  I have been cheated on plenty in my lifetimes.  Sometimes I chalk it up to not being good at picking the right ones.  But sometimes it's not always about that either.  Sometimes people for whatever reasons aren't comfortable sharing all sides of themselves, maybe fear of disappointing us or something...I'm not saying that is the case here.  It sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it too.  Never fair.

I want you to understand that you did not deserve this treatment!  The damage it left you is so unfair!  I have learned from experience that I am a strong person and refuse to settle for someone's crumbs...that I haven't been in a relationship for ten years I am okay with, I am older now and been through much in my life.  But I do know what I will accept and what I will not.  I will not accept anyone treating me that way!  My hope and prayer for you is that you will come to know and value your worth and not accept ill treatment. You are so much more deserving!  You are mourning the loss of the person you fell in love with, the loss of hopes and dreams, and all that you thought was true...and that is a lot.

Sending you hugs and hopes going forward.  I know it doesn't feel possible right now, you are feeling your lowest, but I also know and believe that can change in time as you process this and learn so much about yourself.

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My wife of 53 years passed 2 1/2 months ago. Cancer. Died in extreme pain and I held her when she passed. I loved her with all my heart and I will never get over her passing.  We have 2 children and my daughter took me in because we lost all our assets as my wife paid half and we on the edge every month. I'm glad my daughter took me in because I didn't want to live anymore. I have cried every day. Mery was no angel at times, but it didnt matter. I think she may have been bipolar so I let her indescretions go. besides I loved her so much I would forgive anything rather than lose her. She strongly hinted she had an long affair when we were in college, which I thought the man was just using her as a sex toy and playmate. When he graduated he just simply dropped her and went back to his country. I wish now that we had talked about it and brought closure. Then when I was going to fly back to my daughter her brother was taking me to the airport he told me Mery was fooling around with the handyman. Can you believe he said that to me. .but that jerk worked on my head, and yes they did go out to local flower seminars and garden seminars and hardware stores and such, and she told me where they were going, but he was making himself way too comfortable in my house, so I ask her to fire him off the place, which she reluctantly did, as he was a good worker. But she didnt shed any tears over it either. But her brother didnt like me and he liked the handyman so he may have been trying to upset me at the last minute. Well he did a good job, as her long ago affair came back to haunt me, and as for the handyman Ill never know. as she was bipolar and it was possible. Im not sure what im trying to say here, I guess if anyone has had any playmates they should bring it in the open with your spouse. Talk it over and bring closure. If you really love each other it will work out,  not let your spouse hear it from someone after you die.

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@mick  I am so sorry for your loss.  As far as I am concerned, anyone who would tell you something like that after they die and you can't talk with them about it is not a friend but a foe, please pay it no mind.  Sounds like your instincts are correct!  I hope you'll read in some of these threads, if you have any questions, we're here!

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It’s really hard to know what her brothers motives are.  For one, you don’t know if this is true.  You had a feeling something may have been off, but she did do as you requested.  Let’s say it was  true and you never knew.  Now that she is gone, what comes of bringing that possibility up?   You’ve just lost the love of your life.  Why add even more pain on top of that which has shredded your heart with grief?  I can only speak for myself, but this would be a person I would have to cut out if my life as much as possible for bringing up such a thing now when she is not here to speak for herself. If he was so convinced you know this 'truth', why didn’t he bring it up sooner?  I agree with Kay.  Thus us no friend nor a source of support.  I hope you can find a way to banish thoughts you can do nothing about and deal with those you have to because of a life altering one.  

That would be like someone bringing up to me something Steve did in his past that has no bearing on the man I knew.  Unless it were a crime that harmed someone and closure was needed for a victim, I would not want to know. I want to remember the man I knew and love to this day.

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That is always a vindictive personality that would even bring something like that up...It shows the Brothers lack of fortitude also by not confronting the issue when all were present..Gwen says it perfectly... 

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On 6/20/2020 at 3:59 PM, mick said:

they should bring it in the open with your spouse. Talk it over and bring closure. If you really love each other it will work out, 

It took us many years before we could really talk to each other.  Oh, we discussed everything, we never fussed about money, but I paid his infidelity back with my own.  We separated late in marriage for six weeks.  I had gone to psychotherapy for 15 years.  He was verbally abusive, I was one to take vengeance, the last thing I wanted to be was a martyr.  He could not accept what I did.  So, we separated.  Then he got drunk (he was not a drinker), stayed with me and we talked.  We actually had about 20-30 years to talk and we did not fuss.  I  did what I did and he did what he did and the forgiveness was to never speak of it again.  We didn't.  It was the closest we had ever been, we still had plans, even after 54 years, we had plans.  

I missed him so much I began to wish that he had left me for the "other" woman.  I had so much illness, deathly illness, but I could have handled it on my own..  He was the best nurse I ever had though.  His loving me was actually unconditional.  I have wondered though, if possibly he had had someone else, someone that did not have illness, if that woman could have kept him alive longer than I could.  I know the liver/colon cancer took him and the years of poison from the liquid tobacco, cigarettes before that.  But, if it could have kept him alive a few more years, I would not have questioned "another" woman, if she could have kept him alive, if he was still alive, I didn't mind sharing.  His life was the most important.  Sanctity of marriage, important.  Life is more important.  I do not expect anyone to agree with me.  I am a weird person at times.  I'm used to me.  

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