Been 5 long years

[kayc]

On 10/8/2020 at 5:07 PM, KarenK said:

Where's Doc Adams when you need him? 

I had a great doctor for about 34 years, Dr. Griffith, I used to work for him.  Now I find he's a relic, a thing of the past, they don't have country doctors like him anymore who will make house calls, come in the middle of the night, give out his home phone number, take x-rays, do surgery, cast, and provide counseling to bereaved, he was amazing, a truly caring doctor!  Gone also are the James Herriots of the world (vets) that care!  Everything is big pharma, corporations, money grubbing, no caring. 

[Gwenivere]

I think there are very caring doctors out there still.  The problem is they can’t practice as they want because everything has gone to clinics so the stand alone office is long gone.  They have to follow the schedules made for them regarding time per visit, are stretched thin now with charting, portals for patient email and now telemedicine.  The hardest thing is those that operate with that truly caring mindset despite the regulations they are forced to operate under.  I’m OK with my doc, but he often annoys me as he can’t keep up with all the patients he has to cover.  So he depends on notes.  I so miss my doc of decades that knew me so well and could tell the office our appointments were going to be an hour or more.  He shared a clinic, but HE called the shots.  No such thing now.  40 max.  I miss a nurse that you consistently get calling in.  It’s the 'care team' now.  All they do is put a message (which I’ve already done and why I am calling) in their mail.  I got a return call from one last night at 5:15 and missed it.   I made it clear I needed to talk to him before they closed because the weekend was coming.  Tried calling back and they were closed.  I get annoyed as I’ll ask several questions in this portal thing and he’ll often not answer them all so I have to get on this merry go round of the team and more mail.  They’ve overloaded his time.  The staff try and be connected, but they are also bound by rules.

That is not to say there are not 'bad' docs out there.  I have some too, mostly specialists.  They won’t even get into stuff I wonder if there are conflicts about saying talk to the other doctor.  He/she says the same thing, so what do you do?  I’ve tried asking they talk to each other as I’m lost in the middle.  

So I sit here with (lemme count).......5 conditions not counting my mental issues from the grief, stress and pain trying to survive.  This was not what I at all envisioned medical care to be considering the strides made over time.  I feel more isolated and a body than a whole person.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

No such thing now.  40 max.

I went to a Dr Fey once that TIMED her visits (ten minutes), and her staff was hopping to and you could tell they were scared of her, of losing their jobs, my heart went out to them.  She refused to look at what I came in for, telling me "You'll live or you won't!"  My friend Jim and I joke about that still!  I turned her into the medical board.  She was horrid and I refused to go back to her.  She put erroneous things in my chart that I tried to get her to correct and she said I'd have to come back in to her if I wanted them corrected!  Cold day in hell before I'd go back to her!  Never forgot her, worst doctor I ever saw.  I HOPE this is not the norm today!  I truly like my doctor, even if she sometimes gets too busy, hazard of the profession, I think.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I feel more isolated and a body than a whole person.  

  You're not to us here!

[Gwenivere]

Aw......thanks Kay!   As your in the PNW, have you started the perpetual gloom yet?  Had hail, rain, dark all day yesterday and it’s drizzling today and even darker.  Hard to stay warm in general.  A lot from being old.  Extremities don’t get the circulation they should.  I’m also decades more tired of getting wet by stepping outside.  ⛈☔️

[kayc]

It literally POURED rain all day Saturday!  It woke me up at 4 am and I didn't get back to sleep, rain off and on yesterday.  The newspaper said we're in for a hard early winter, lots of snow...I hope they're wrong.  This is the worst possible time for me to face that.  Esp. since we never see the county road maintenance anymore so can't rely on their plowing, now that school is on line.  But with these bad hands, with or without surgery, I don't see how I'm going to shovel snow.

I notice with the weight loss I'm cold more.  Started a fire I think on Thursday, regulating the temp. of the house by having the patio door open some as needed.  Loving feeling low 70s instead of low 60s inside.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

It’s hard facing feeling trapped.  Weather, our bodies, lack of opportunities, emotionally.  I never felt that until the last couple of years.  Definitely coinciding with my body breaking down.  Then that leads to the mental fallout from that.  I understand now why so many of the residents I know at Foss are bitter a lot of the time.  I don’t know how the people that are accepting got there.  All I can think about is having felt so robbed so early.  Had I been 20 years older, perhaps it would make more sense.  But in my 50’s seemed too soon.  I know people face challenges from childhood, but I can only go on my experience.  I can’t truly relate to having major losses in my other decades beyond my parents.  But I was still whole.  I still had my own little family.  I was safe and protected.  Now people have died or disappeared.  When Steve left I could still use my body.  I had some friends.  I had lost one of our dogs, but had the other to keep a spark alive.  All that is gone now.  All my 'jobs'/purposes/meaning.  We need to matter.  All I have is Melody and as much as I love her, she is not enough as I am for her.  She cannot fill all my needs.  We humans are more complex.  I only know one other person that has no one either that understands this.  We are in different states.  Both beaten down that communicating is even hard.  This robs you of so much energy and reaching out more.  The chains of-isolation can keep tightening even as you fight them when your energy is constantly drained by pain and feeling ignored trying to find relief.  I’m tired of being a warrior every day.  I just want to be a regular person.  Normal joys and problems.  The stuff I hear from others around me.  Day to day nuisances and not every frigging day!

[kayc]

I know that grief and pain changes us, changes our outlook, definitely changes our lives.  Our lives before were more spontaneous and fun!  We didn't have to give deep thought to meaning, etc.  I miss that carefreeness.  It seems life is so much struggle now.  I have to employ so many techniques just to get through the everydayness of life now.  But then I've had to use that at other hard times in my life, like when my kids' dad and I divorced.  Living in a church culture and small town, the judgment was very hard to bear, by those who knew nothing of our lives, the four walls we lived in.  I got through it, it was extremely rough, I survived it!  Then I had to get through the death of George, I didn't face judgment this time, but many of the survival techniques were the same.  I never expected this when I was just 52.  Old age followed just around the corner, not sure what I expected of that, but not where I am now.  I never expected to lose the use of my hands so young!  I'm sure you never expected the loss of mobility either.  I can walk but can't do the things I need to do for survival around here.

[Froggie4635]

Sorry for being away for so long, everyone. Tomorrow will be 6 years that Mark has been gone....SIX years.  It is longer than we were married. I am trying not to let it consume me, but it is so prevalent in my life right now.  Could it be the pandemic?  I said something to my doctor yesterday and she said that this pandemic is accentuating everything.  I lost my cousin in October  to CoVid...she had come down to Houston for my wedding with my aunt and now they are both gone.  It's like I had all these feelings all under control (HA HA) but now that I pulled off the band aid so to  speak, it is all fresh and making me feel very vulnerable.  Yesterday morning I had to scrap frost off my car, and thought that if Mark were here, he would have taken care of that and warmed up my car for me.  Yesterday was his birthday.  These three days (Dec 2, 3, 4) hold so many memories; good and bad.  I have been doing things this week to make me feel better....a friend at work moved into her first house and I have been giving her some of the things I had stored away (they are all in her favorite color) and she has a little girl, so I am doing some pretty pink things for her....it makes me feel better, but doesn't relieve this feeling.  I worked from home from April until last month, when I went back into the office full-time, with a VERY segregated office.  I have health concerns, so I worry about exposure.  Isolating doesn't help the feelings of loss....but I want to be safe.  Have already had two Covid tests.  And this is probably horrible sounding, but I am relieved that my parents are not living; I would be beside myself worrying about their safety and care right now.  I hope that everyone is safe and cared for here...

[scba]

I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago and the time he has been gone is longer than the time we spent together. However, I feel I'm with him. I feel he's somewhere here and around I'm involved in a sort of strange relationship. I am in a relationship. I don't know how to explain it. I just let it be. 

[nashreed]

5 minutes ago, scba said:

I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago and the time he has been gone is longer than the time we spent together. However, I feel I'm with him. I feel he's somewhere here and around I'm involved in a sort of strange relationship. I am in a relationship. I don't know how to explain it. I just let it be. 

That's sweet. How do you feel he is with you? I wish I could feel my wifes presence, but I don't. I don't want her to hang around like a ghost- I hope she's in Heaven, but I would love to feel something/anything from her. I've wracked my brain, and can't really come up with much that she could do that would prove it was her with me. If I saw a Cardinal in California it would be an impossible miracle. I always used to press on the tip of her nose (it literally had no cartilage), or hold her hand or press on her shoulders. She didn't have a specific "move" or touch. If I just knew for sure that she was around and with me, I could live with that- I could be happy for the rest of my life. I wish I could seek out a medium, but wouldn't even be comfortable with it with the pandemic lockdown looming (again).

[scba]

15 minutes ago, nashreed said:

That's sweet. How do you feel he is with you?

I don't know how to explain it. It's a very weird feeling. It's not like the old way of being here. I just can't put it into words. It's a spiritual feeling. Maybe is what faithful people feel about God/Jesus. I know he protects me and I've proof of that. He guards me. 

It doesn't make things easier though. No matter what his ways are today, the life we were supposed to live together, our dreams, it is all gone. That's why I really don't care that much about my future.

I may feel him but we won't have a conversation never again, to mention something. I won't see him getting old. And so on.....  I must live with that and with what it is, I mean acceptance, such a horrible word. 

 

 

[nashreed]

I understand. She was in so much pain and so unhappy in this life... I hate what happened, but we always said "I'm ok if you're ok". If she's ok, I can accept that and if she can be with me, I can talk to her and even if she can't talk to me... it's ok.  It's not ideal, but I at least wouldn't want to die so soon. 

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish I could seek out a medium, but wouldn't even be comfortable with it with the pandemic lockdown looming (again).

Some psychics and mediums will work with you over the phone (not necessarily in person) ~ You'll find links to a great deal of useful information in this article: After-Death Communication: A List of Resources

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, scba said:

I may feel him but we won't have a conversation never again, to mention something. I won't see him getting old. And so on.....  I must live with that and with what it is, I mean acceptance, such a horrible word. 

It truly is, Ana.  I hear it tossed around a lot.  People seem fixated that I feel this.  Yes, I accept his is gone and I’ll never see him again in this life.  But accept how it’s torn me apart and destroyed a happy life?  Not going to happen.  I woke up today in full panic from some meds with my always first thoughts of another day without him.  It was hell.  Outsiders will never get the intensity of this til their day comes.  It makes it harder to have to keep it to myself because of that.  Just what we don’t need, more isolation.

[scba]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But accept how it’s torn me apart and destroyed a happy life?  Not going to happen.  

Exactly that. I feel the same. 

[kayc]

On 12/3/2020 at 6:15 AM, Froggie4635 said:

Sorry for being away for so long, everyone. Tomorrow will be 6 years that Mark has been gone....SIX years.  It is longer than we were married. I am trying not to let it consume me, but it is so prevalent in my life right now.  Could it be the pandemic?  I said something to my doctor yesterday and she said that this pandemic is accentuating everything.  I lost my cousin in October  to CoVid...she had come down to Houston for my wedding with my aunt and now they are both gone.  It's like I had all these feelings all under control (HA HA) but now that I pulled off the band aid so to  speak, it is all fresh and making me feel very vulnerable.  Yesterday morning I had to scrap frost off my car, and thought that if Mark were here, he would have taken care of that and warmed up my car for me.  Yesterday was his birthday.  These three days (Dec 2, 3, 4) hold so many memories; good and bad.  I have been doing things this week to make me feel better....a friend at work moved into her first house and I have been giving her some of the things I had stored away (they are all in her favorite color) and she has a little girl, so I am doing some pretty pink things for her....it makes me feel better, but doesn't relieve this feeling.  I worked from home from April until last month, when I went back into the office full-time, with a VERY segregated office.  I have health concerns, so I worry about exposure.  Isolating doesn't help the feelings of loss....but I want to be safe.  Have already had two Covid tests.  And this is probably horrible sounding, but I am relieved that my parents are not living; I would be beside myself worrying about their safety and care right now.  I hope that everyone is safe and cared for here...

Maryann, it's good to hear from you again, although I wish the same thing for all of us, that there were no need to be here...still, be that as it may, the silver lining has been learning so much in the last 15 1/2 years and meeting all of you, albeit on line!

I'm sorry this is such a hard time, with major remembrances so close together.  I'm also sorry to learn of your recent loss. 

You don't sound horrible at all, my dad's been gone over 38 years now but my mom just six years...and I too am very thankful she's not having to go through this pandemic.  

I think your doctor is right, this pandemic IS accentuating everything!  And being alone is something the human interest stories don't seem to cover, it's one thing to be holed up with your family, quite another for those of us widowed.  ALONE.  All the time.  I never thought I could do this but here we are.

I think we're all wise to do what we can to be safe.  Even that doesn't seem to be enough as we've heard of 30-year-olds dying and some never knowing where they contracted it.  I'm Diabetic, Asthmatic, and 68.  I'd like to think I'd survive this, but no one is immune.  I have to be careful so I can take care of my puppy, he is my incentive to remain as healthy as I can!

[kayc]

15 hours ago, scba said:

I lost my boyfriend 6 years ago and the time he has been gone is longer than the time we spent together. However, I feel I'm with him. I feel he's somewhere here and around I'm involved in a sort of strange relationship. I am in a relationship. I don't know how to explain it. I just let it be. 

I feel the same, you explained it well.  
https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/relationships-with-the-dead/
https://www.soulproof.com/when-a-loved-ones-physical-body-dies/

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for posting those, Kay.  When I get some alone time tonight I’m going to read them more closely.  Any.sources that validate this are much needed, especially now for me.  Medical, holidays, house and pet needs overwhelm me and I let others  views of grief downplay my reality which is not good.  If we can’t find validation in ourself we’re really vulnerable to dark scary thoughts.  We don’t have that someone who would pull us back from the abyss anymore, tho this one is he biggest.