I don't know how "to be" without him...?

[kayc]

I'm saying there are disparities in how they deem what is safe and what is not...how is sitting in church masked up, away from others any different than shopping for groceries in a store with people bumping into you, loads of total strangers?  So if you have a family of seven, one is odd man out?  And if you're all being careful, staying home, masking up, yet still not allowed to see each other once every few months?  Kate Brown (governor) does not know what it's like to live alone ALL THE TIME!   I haven't been able to see my kids' new homes!  Or my grandkids.  My grandson is three, he changes a lot at this age, time I'll never get back, and in their little minds they can forget us if we aren't kept before them.  And darned if I didn't lose my video camera the last time I took my PC down & set it back up. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m trying to process all this from an opposite place.  I have no family I’m separated from.  I’m sure there are 'scientific' explanations for distancing rules and they are worried that family will let down their guard because if the emotional attachment.  I respect your anger. I just see there are risks being with people you don’t live with daily.   You don’t know if they have been exposed.  Actually none of us do if we go out.  I think of the residents where I volunteer that cannot be with family either.  I know everyone is burned out on Zoom, but it is the only guaranteed way of no infection. my anger is at the disease.  I do understand your missing your family, Kay.

[kayc]

I don't feel angry at any particular thing, but I do feel anger, I guess I've just had enough of this whole year!

Last night on the news they said seven days quarantine is just as effective.  They made my friend Jim quarantine 24 days when someone living on his property got COVID from work.  That guy only had to quarantine ten days.  Weird.

[Gwenivere]

Dangerous and frustrating.  My definition for covid.  I don’t get lots of different states decisions on restrictions.  Things here is Seattle change weekly. ( I hate being a forced loner from lack of close friends, but it spares  me the social decisions.  Trust me, I miss that.  I wish I had someone to miss seeing for my mental health.) It’s hard enough keeping up with the stores and if I need an indoor repair.  I’m actually stunned anyone is traveling and gathering this year.  It’s just one Thanksgiving.  Even if I had somewhere to go, I wouldn’t.  I heard on the news if 70% of people had adhered to the mask and distancing since this began, it could have been contained and possibly over by now.  Not enough hosts to spread it. This from the experts who track this stuff.  

What I don’t get is why we took SARS, swine flu and other threats so seriously and not this one.  Those could have become huge too.  But, here we are.  It kinda makes sense to me things are all over the map for how this has grown and affected so many people. And some STILL persist in ignoring common sense or think it’s not so bad.  How many have to die to see this isn’t 'just' the flu?

off my soapbox for today.  Another day to mute the TV when trying to catch the weather and local issues.

[kayc]

I almost called it off last night as my hand is swollen and sore, it's going to be a hard day, mostly driving & short visit.  They're in the boondocks, I have no directions, just my GPS.  I iced and elevated my hand all day/eve.  Christmas will likely be snowed in.  

They're changing restrictions next week, churches can only have 25% capacity.  Our church is just about under, hardly anyone coming or paying tithes, don't know how much longer we can survive this.

Last night they busted a Pandemic Party, 200 in attendance at U of O, that's where a lot of the cases are coming from.  

[Gwenivere]

Where are you going, Kay?  I must hav missed something.  Your daughters?

[kayc]

No, never got to see or talk to my daughter, she had to work, I went up and saw my son's home, for the first time since he moved, it's the most beautiful home I've ever seen or been in!  Incredible stonework!  The previous owner built it 25 years & owns a masonry business. (Him and I stuck to our Keto and ignored the mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, creamed green bean dish, dressing, and pie.)  Today I'm paying for the 5 1/2 hours of driving I did because my hand is very swollen and sore now.  Kodie was a trooper!

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

 (Him and I stuck to our Keto and ignored the mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, creamed green bean dish, dressing, and pie.)  Today I'm paying for the 5 1/2 hours of driving I did because my hand is very swollen and sore now. 

kayc:  You are one strong woman.  You turned down all those wonderful Thanksgiving dishes.  Sorry your hand is painful today.  But, I can imagine the delight in being with your son, DIL and grandchildren again. 

I have been hoping you'd be showing a picture of Kodie one of these days.  Last photo I saw of him, reminded me of a stuffed toy.  Dee

[kayc]

I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures, he looks like a fox with raccoon markings!  I wish I could get him smiling but he always changes expression when he sees the camera!  Trust me, he's adorable!  And so good natured!

[kayc]

[Gwenivere]

He’s so cute!  Looks like dainty paws.  How old is he now?   

I’m terrible also at remembering to take pics.  Did a lot when Mel was a pup and vids of her and Ally wrestling.  Tried today, but she’s all bothered by the leaf blowing going on across the street.  My brave protector, ha! 

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Trust me, he's adorable!  And so good natured!

Awww kayc, he is so adorable and he still looks like a stuffed toy.  Thank you for posting his picture.  He made me smile.  His good nature is probably because he knows how much he is loved.  Dee

[widow'15]

10 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Tried today, but she’s all bothered by the leaf blowing going on across the street.  My brave protector, ha!

Gwen:  Thank you too for posting Mel's picture.  She is so pretty and has such a sweet face.  She doesn't look stressed from the leaf blower noise.  I don't blame her being annoyed with leaf blower noise.  Sometimes I have to come inside to get away from a neighbor who thinks he has to blow every fir needle off the street along his property.  He is rightfully named, "Mr. Blower Man" by another neighbor.  LOL. Dee

[kayc]

Gwen, she is adorable!  Does she have golden retriever in her?  Sweet!  

Kodie was one October 7, we share the same bdy.

I took a picture yesterday, he always looks somber in them, but when I don't have the camera out he's twirling around and smiling, giving me kisses, playing, always in motion!

 

[Gwenivere]

Mel is a golden retriever.  Kinda explains why she looks like one, eh?  😁

Mel looks somber all the time in pics too.  Golden’s usually do, but she also knows and seems to hate the camera. Hard to catch her excitement and goofy looks.  

I like Kodie's mask.  He also looks like he’s wearing a muffler.  Great ears!  All my dogs had floppy ears.  

[kayc]

I love Goldens!  Arlie was 1/2 Golden Retriever, I also had one named Teddy years ago.  I always preferred floppy ears until I got Arlie, I learned to appreciate his "radar ears," they'd turn this way and that way when listening to me, so cute!

I just had wondered if Mel was part or complete Golden.  She's very sweet looking, they're so gentle.

[Gwenivere]

Radar ears.  Heh heh.  Yah, seen how dogs manipulate them.  Ally could make her ears like triangles towards you if he got infatuated.  I always called my Disney dog as she reminded me of the animated Dalmatians from the movie.  Dogs are very expressive thru their ears.  

Mel is gentle for the most part unless it’s a squeaker toy. She’ll get it out or break it.  Sometimes with ferocity, others it takes days of patiently working at it.  I’ve found a couple she missed in her basket.  They have been spared.  It’s new ones she tackles and if they survive, they get to squeak on!

[Gwenivere]

This topic hit me hard tonight.  I’ve posted about the physical pain that is worsening and lack of medical help. I knew I would wind up abandoned over the weekend after reaching out for help and being told just don’t do things that hurt.  Told them everything dies but sitting and was told to get up every hour and move around.  All it does is depress me and make me want to sit.  It’s been going on so long I am rapidly losing it.  Can’t stand the mornings knowing how bad the day will be.  

But this isn’t news. Nor is how waking so hard and lonely.  I’m writing this because it’s another night I have to face how quickly sleep will go by and wind up in another repetitive day.  Scheduled things I don’t know if I can do.  I so want to take my dog to the vet, not call a mobile one.  Going to the dentist knowing I can sit in that chair.  Just have time that is empty only in spirit.   I need to tend to that without constant distraction of this kind.  

Time for some wine and then trying to decide which sleep position will cripple me less as it’s a shower day and that’s dangerous alone now.  

Missing Steve so much.  My doc suggested getting up earlier to have more daylight.  I suppose that might help.  I’d get to sit in the gloom of Seattle with the lights on and change 'our' schedule.  Doesn’t sound very appealing.  Summers provide light until after 9.  Think I’ll stick here for now like I did with him.  

 

[kayc]

This morning a friend posted something on FB that I copied, pasted.  I RARELY do what people tell me to do (too much rebellion in me!) But I thought this one worthy.  It's about silently suffering with pain.
 

My favorite quote from my family doctor was, “it can’t really be that bad if you are still working and doing everything you do. “ I told him I didn’t know I had a choice. 📷
Years in pain, tired and the many changes in me for no reason or apparent reason ... Hiding everything from someone else, pretending to be doing better than you are; until it no longer works. No matter how strong you want to be.
Then the moment comes when they tell you what you have ... You have mixed feelings: you finally know what you have, but how do you deal with it?
Lack of encouragement, wanting to lie down, taking medication frequently; having a whole pharmacy on top of the nightstand.
Then, the daily responses, "Why did you get so fat?" “I have this great diet, if you just go out and exercised.
That once beautiful hair of yours now awful and it falls out.
What happened to you??....
This is all true and that's why I'm sharing it!
Silent and invisible diseases do exist ...
When you have an invisible disease it is difficult to argue from your perspective with ignorant people.
Life takes a lot of turns !!!
Tired of being told:
* Did you go to the doctor?
* Have you tried this?
* Have you tried that?
* I don’t know what else we can do for you...
Yes! I tried and still try everything !!!
Doctors say this disease is forever. That I will not heal. However, I am not giving up, but I want to make others realize:
* A nap will not cure me but it will help me ...
* I am not lazy, I take medication and it sometimes makes me sleepy.
* I am not angry but sometimes cranky with pain.
* I struggle daily with pain, mobility problems, fatigue, the criticism of my environment.
Most frustratingly, people look at me and say, "It can't be that bad; you look good "
Despite the fact that my body is experiencing excruciating pain everywhere, of course I look good, I always try to look good, it is an "invisible" disease.
This disease affects me physically, mentally and emotionally. Because rare autoimmune diseases cannot be seen, but we feel them.
And they are there ... Silent attack but extra painful.
I am looking at those who take the time to read this post to the end.
The following request is sent to the post:
Please, for me and in honor of someone who fights against:
-Crohn’s Disease
-Hashimotos Disease
-Graves Disease
-Gastroperisis
-Depression
-Anxiety
-Autoimmune disease
-Polycystic ovary syndrome.
-Rheumatoid arthritis.
-Chronic pain
-Endometriosis.
-Multiple sclerosis.
-Myasthenia gravis.
-Pulmonary hypertension.
-Chronic fatigue syndrome.
-Diabetes
-Fibromyalgia.
-Raynaud and Scleroderma.
-Lupus.
-Neuralgia of the trigeminal
-Epilepsy
-MS
-Cancer
-Hyperthyroidism
-Hyperparathyroidism
or some other disease you don't see.
Copy and paste.
I understand if you don't, It's okay.
Type '' done '' in comments and thank you for your support.
I would like 5 of my friends to post (not share) this message to show that you are always there when that someone needs to talk.
In support of a friend, a family member who is fighting for this disease.  Just say “done”.
Comments
Write a comment…

 

[Gwenivere]

I wish so much hadn’t been cut off, Kay.  I get the main message but would like to see it all.

[MartyT]

If you notice the bar at the base of the post, Gwen, place your mouse over it so it's highlighted, and then you can move it from left to right so you can see all the lines in their entirety.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Marty.  Wow, that does sum up these invisible conditions.  Most are when you think about it.  I have 4 that are not visible with the eye beyond being hunched over from spinal breakdown.  But I know people don’t know why when they see me shuffle by.  It’s funny how I really notice shows and if they show a naked back.   So straight and normal.  Watching people walk like I used to.  Easily.  Bending over without searing pain shooting down my legs. I hate having to pull the handicap card because I can’t stand in line long or have someone grab something when I’m at the checkout because I can’t trek back again.  I was so active all my life.  Didn’t need a fit bit to know how fit I was.  I’m not surprised I’m slowing down, but I’ve met people older than me that are doing so much more.  Swimming, organizing their garages or cluttered homes.  Heck, grabbing anything from high or low shelves.  Crawl into bed and go to sleep, no drawn out routines to get comfy and hope you did it right as your walking depends on it the next day. I know several people with hypothyroidism and their meds are balanced.  I’ve been trying for years.  The panic disorder is always challenged by change and stress.  Anemia that adds to fatigue.  I think of so many here fighting battles and their frustration.  I don’t know if you are wearing anything on your wrist still Kay. If not, people won’t get it.  Especially since you had the surgery.  You are all better now.  We know that’s not true by the pain you have still.  

so with all this kinda stuff, is it surprising they don’t get grief?  That should be on the invisible list too.

[kayc]

I don't know how it's displayed to you but on my PC nothing is cut off, I cut/pasted it in its entirety.

No I don't wear anything on my hands, occasionally a brace on my left but not necessary for the right hand, but it never helped the numbness OR the deep down pain from the incision.  I did not expect it to take this long and no end in sight.  Four weeks today.  Sometimes I wonder if my hands will ever be right again.  I do feel handicapped from it.  People do not see my pain that I live with.  I so appreciated the nerve conduction study because without asking or being told where my pain is or how bad it is, they were able to TELL ME it was severe in both hands!  It felt very validating that one person in the world got it.  I still don't understand how it all works but after hearing their results, I was flabbergasted they knew it!  The orthopedic doctor not so much.  Made me wonder if she even READ their reports or just said she did.

I feel it's something that people just don't get, they still expect you to keep going and don't acknowledge or realize what you tell them.

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m being told still how strong I am and it’s just not true. It’s a nice sentiment, but I live in the reality. I wonder if people just say that in hopes it placates you.  Anyone who truly listened wouldn’t say that. It adds pressure as well that we aren’t like everyone else.  We get beaten down, need validation in that and stop the pressure to need to keep going despite others given permission to break down.  Why are we seen as a group that is contradictorily carrying as much if not more not excused?  I’m tired of all the advice or shooting down my weariness.  Being told resources to help when I desperately want to do it myself.  I accept I need help on more things, but I’m not 'grateful' as I should be.  This is from people that have not needed any of this.  So easy for them to say.  

Aren’t we allowed to be weak?  I got more support that it was OK to be so when we almost got divorced or I faced hospitalization.  Why not this?

[nashreed]

It's the case of people not understanding the true nature of how hard it is to lose the love of your life. So many people have experience losing a parent, but this is so different and uncharted territory for most people. Unfortunately, COVID will increase the ranks of the professional grievers. 

The only reason I stay strong is that I am fundamentally selfish. I don't want to feel like crap all day. I would cry, but it's like vomiting- it might be good for you to get it out, but the experience is so unpleasant that I "hold it in". If I can't die, then I have to live. If I have to live, then I can only think of her in small doses, or else it hurts, and I don't want to hurt. I know the physical pain you're in, because Annette was in constant pain. She said she was at a 10 often. All I could do was tell it it will be better tomorrow, that you're strong and you can make it. At least I was there, and she was never alone. I wish you had somebody who could be there, Gwen. You at least have somebody that understands.