Always thought we had tomorrow

[JimJim]

I remember Nancy would always ask me to look at the sunsets with her from our balcony, and my response would be if you've seen one sunset, you've seen them all, or she would ask me if I wanted to take a walk with her, or go to the pool with her, I would always find an excuse not to, I see myself then from who I am now, and get so angry at myself, here was this Beautiful soul wanting to spend time with me, and I took it for granted, and are finding it most difficult to forgive myself, the reality of her not being here cuts into me like a knife, will be two years next week, and the pain of her absence is so unbearable, I keep thinking that I will wake up from this nightmare, but each day is the same, missing her more and more, I try to explain to my therapist, as this is only a memory to friends and family now, thinking that I should be healed by time, this is one thing time can't fix, bruises and cuts heal in time, but not this, to realize that life as it was is gone, poof, in a blink of an eye, but as I explained to my therapist, that night when Nancy left this earth, I left too, yes my body is still here, but my soul left with Nancy, just a shell of who I was remained here, and I don't know why, I get so jealous when I hear that god forbid, that a couple had met with an accident, but that both perished together, I know it's morbid, and I apologize for that, but I can't help but wish that the Creator would have taken me at the same time! When I think of all the wasted time I took when she was here, and understanding that it's gone forever, the same stupid thought comes to me, that I always thought we would have tomorrow.  I understand now to cherish the Now, as this is all we have. Thank you for letting me speak.

 

[Gwenivere]

Such a touching post, Jim.  We all have regrets but I try and see the whole picture as it was at the time.  I’m OK about things I passed up vs what I didn’t.  Probably because we always talked about it.  I know the feeling of waking up to find this wasn’t a horrible dream.  It is only a memory to friends.  I died that day too.  But I was left behind.  Your wish isn’t morbid.  We didn’t have any kids it would impact heavily.  Being with him (if that’s how it works, I don’t know) is infinity more appealing than the last 6 years.  

[nashreed]

Jim, I know exactly what it feels like. I hope every night to have a heart attack in my sleep. I want to be with Annette so bad. I'm just kind of disengaged from life. I don't have a purpose. I was the one who tried to get Annette to do more- get outside more, but she was legally blind and in near constant pain, so she was most often happy to be in. I would get restless and preoccupied with my own thing. I wish we could have our Tuesday nights again. We would play Uno, watch TV until she got sleepy. I so wish I had savored our time more. 

[JimJim]

Thank you both, for your responses, really appreciate that!! My heart goes out to you both on your loss!!  I myself will write to Nancy each night before going to sleep, that to please come to me, and to take me with her, as I want to be HOME again, I always told her that it didn't matter where we were, that as long as we are together, then anyplace is HOME, even in the afterlife!! and speaking of purpose, yes I too have lost all reason and hope of my existence, like I'm here, and then at the same time I'm not, my soul purpose in life was to be the other half of Nancy, therapist have asked me, Jim who were you before Nancy, I say well lets see, we were together 24 years, honestly I don't remember, all I remember is just my partner and married life, half of a whole, we didn't have any kids, only animals, so we spoiled each other, and became 100% co-dependent, and we loved it that way, so you see I feel lost and disconnected from this world, as my one true purpose for living is physically gone, the only person that knew all my faults, but loved me anyway, I have tried to explain this to those who might listen, but nobody gets it, I wish to be where I belong, and that is HOME with Nancy, I may still be here physically ,but just because I'm breathing, doesn't mean I'm living!! ya know we use to have conversations with just our minds, but like with most Soulmates, we already knew the answer before even asking any questions, she was and is, and will always be My One True Light, God do I miss her. Best to you all, and have a blessed Thanksgiving.

 

 

[nashreed]

I so totally understand, I get it. I feel like a bug on its back, flailing around, waiting (hoping) to be stepped on. 

We used to say "I'm OK if you're OK". I know she's OK, and I want to be good for her, but I'm failing. I can't wait to be with her again. 

I know I hated my life before Annette, and once I met her, she became my purpose- I spent two years "stalking" her, trying to win her heart. I even had a license plate -ILUVALD, that she hated, but I eventually won her heart. Now I live back where I was before. My Mom is 84, and thank God that she is healthy and can get around on her own and doesn't need a caregiver- I don't think I could put myself in that situation after Annette and all the care she needed (of course, I would have to if my Mom did need it). She's 84, and still sad about the loss of her marriage to my Dad (who I have no memory of), even though he passed in 1999, she hadn't seen him since 1974. And I live with my brother who still pines for the one relationship he had in the 80's. So, we're three unhappy, damaged sad people living together. 

In my tiny little childhood room, I've stuffed it full of all her things that meant the most to her, or things that she would need if she came back- from her prosthetic leg (and her backup leg) to her Chap Stick collection (I wonder how long they last). Needless to say, it is packed, along with her ashes, a bunch of my stuffed animals, and her ashes. Her clothes are in the closet (most of my closet is filled with my brothers toys and records- hoarders one and all!), so my clothes just lay on my chair. So, yes, I'm not living- I'm just in limbo, waiting to be with Annette again.

[mik]

You gave us a a great gift through your pain. Your experience and sorrow of regret has provided insight on how we may choose to spend that time with our loved ones now and in in the future.  Although Nancy is not here in body or flesh, she knows of your regret. It is my belief that those who have left this earth for a greater place wish you that same peace she has achieved.  Please forgive yourself.

[JimJim]

As much as I appreciate this forum, I have to say this is one club, I never wished to be a part of, you are all so compassionate and giving, as you are too suffering a loss, I just always believed that this time would never come, that we would grow old together, and leave at the same time, and trying to go on without her presence is impossible, I have attempted all avenues to achieve a mental balance, from Psychiatrists to Psychologists, Hospice grief share groups, have visited a Medium and a Psychic, are on multiple medications, but what I have cannot be healed, when someone tells me she is in a better place, I just want to scream, as a better place is here with me, I know this can't happen, even Nancy's own sister told me, Jim you have to get on with your life, my answer is what life, I don't have a life anymore, my life is over, it ended when hers did, all I do is wake up, and are in a fog most of the day, as my heart is aching, my soul is gone, just the body is here, all I think about is being with her, and if that can't happen here, then I will have to go there!! So all I do each day from morning to night is beg and plead for the Creator to come for me, to end my suffering, will not do anything to cause this myself as I feel would take me to a different place from where My Love is, so I just have to wait, and waiting is the most difficult thing of all.. My apologies if I've offended anyone, this is not my intention. Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving with your loved ones.

[nashreed]

I have so much in common with your struggle.  I wished I had been able to pass away after she did- I thought maybe I didn't love her as much as the old couples that die within hours of each other.  It is different for me, because she truly is in a better place- Annette was in constant pain, and was very unhappy with her blindness and her weight. But I'm always thinking that somehow she could have gotten better. I haven't tried counseling or therapy in these crazy times. I would love to try a medium, but I don't know if that would be ok with her. I'm afraid it would seem like I am doubting her (and my) faith. I have no doubt she's ok- I've felt nothing negative (but then haven't had much contact at all). I just want any kind of connection. I don't want to "move on", but I have to do something besides be miserable. I don't have a choice. I might feel guilty having "fun", I don't know. I just have to find a purpose. It's just not sustainable to be so unhappy. Believe me, I have no illusions of another "love" or anything like that- I just need peace. Annette watches over me, and she doesn't want me to be miserable- I need to respect her wishes. 

[JimJim]

Ya know I remember when Carrie Fisher passed, and then Debbie Reynolds passing immediately the day after, they called it taktsubo cardiomyopathy or heartbreak syndrome, so the fact even though our worlds were shattered into a million pieces, and our hearts or more of the soul being damaged beyond repair, I believe that as much as I loved Nancy and still do, that I should have fallen into that category, but that didn't happen, and I don't know why, what is there left for me to do? My world centered around us, Nancy was not in much pain, she didn't have any long term illness, what she had was a misdiagnosis by her doctors, they didn't find it until it was too late, when I think of her collapsing in front of me, and then me performing CPR till the paramedics arrived, only to get to the hospital where she never recovered, never having a chance to say goodbye, then having to give the ok to turn off the machine, I should have said no, but I didn't want her to be that way, if they had caught her condition before all this, but they didn't because MRI's are expensive, like it's their money!! So now Dec 3 is almost here, it will be two years, might as well be two million years, as each day is forever without her, it also happens to be our 26th wedding anniversary on the same day. I know that I have no choice to remain true to her honor, as I cannot give away something she tried so desperately to hold onto, I am from day to day living in her honor, longing for the day for us to be reunited!! Wishing you all the best.

[nashreed]

I am so sorry Jim. I truly know what you feel. I get by day by day. I don't really want to, but I have no choice. Annette was always telling me not to get so worked up about accidents, "That's why they're called accidents", she'd say- like she was preparing me. Through a tragic accidental, confluence of her medical issues, she left me. I know I have to have patience. She used to sing me a funny kids song in the voice of turtle- "Have patience- don't be in such a hurry". I know I will be with her again- someday. I wish you the best JimJim. We can only try to help each other in this limbo, until we can see our angels. 

James

[Kieron]

I'm sorry, Jim, those must be difficult and horrifying memories that keep coming up for you, with regret overlaying everything.  Also, I'm pretty sure no one here would take offense at what you say.  it's heartfelt and comes through clearly.  I have similar regrets.  There are times I remember being irritated or picking a fight about something, only to find, in retrospect, that i can't even recall what started it.  Stupid.  🙄

I, too, remember Carrie's and Debbie's one-after-the-other passages.  I once worked with a woman who died a month or two after her husband passed.  She would say, "I miss my Roger!"  I guess one day her heart gave out.

A very important figure in my life who does spiritual coaching has put up a blog entry titled "ThanksGrieving" in response to this particular American holiday, as he believes the US, as a country, is overdue for confronting some of its long-ignored grieving processes.  Regardless of the political overtones, I think it's good for us as a country to acknowledge losses, disappointments, missed opportunities, and so on.

[kayc]

All such intimate heart felt posts, I feel like I am intruding.  I want to echo that your feelings are valid and we hear you, I too wish we could have gone together, but I'm sure my kids are glad we did not, but everyone goes on with their lives while ours remains with that hollow spot inside our hearts.  Don't wish to sound gloomy, today is a day to give thanks, so will try to focus on what I do have, but always, always, my heart cries out for the one gone before me.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Kieron said:

A very important figure in my life who does spiritual coaching has put up a blog entry titled "ThanksGrieving" in response to this particular American holiday, as he believes the US, as a country, is overdue for confronting some of its long-ignored grieving processes.  Regardless of the political overtones, I think it's good for us as a country to acknowledge losses, disappointments, missed opportunities, and so on.

Would it be possible to share this, Kieron?   As a link there would be no politics posted and I know, for myself, after having just had the worst birthday yesterday leading into our once favorite holiday today, I’m barely staying above water emotionally.   

I found this on HuffPost this morning:

Article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/tips-grieving-pre-pandemic-life_l_5fbdba23c5b6e4b1ea46c238?utm_campaign=share_email&ncid=other_email_o63gt2jcad4

Hope the link works.  It isn’t just about spouses, but it does validate the fallout of grief and how serious it is.  I can use the job loss part as my loss of my job being a partner and helper.  

[Kieron]

Certainly!  It covers a lot of ground.  Take what you like from it, and leave whatever doesn't fit.  He does make some good points that most can get behind, I think.

http://drummerthesoulawakeblog.weebly.com/blog/thanksgrieving

[kayc]

Gwen, the article you shared addresses the very subject I have not seen covered in the media, sadly, that of being alone with your grief during these times!  Love Huffingtonpost!  (Is that where this site originally came from?)  Anyway, I appreciate your sharing it and Kieron's link as well.  

Two different people said they would bring my sister TG dinner (her first TG without Bert)...neither one showed or called.  7 pm last night she gave up and made a sandwich, this is what I'd wanted to avoid for her.  Makes me wish I'd fixed something for her and I and taken it to her house with Kodie.  I feel so bad for her.  It goes to show the very thing I was afraid of for her, that of being truly alone in grief.  I'm sure it was a pointed reminder of all she is missing after 50 years with a loyal caring man.

[Gwenivere]

I truly feel for your sister.  So many of us had decades that became our worlds and to be cast into this 'wasteland' is terribly cold.  It’s such a terrible feeling to be so lost after being so secure.  Even your short time with George was a cruel loss after all you had been thru to find him.  💖

[Kieron]

That's really too bad.  🙁  People don't keep their word or even call to say, "I'm sorry, something interfered, let me make it up to you."

[kayc]

One of her neighbors brought her T dinner last night, she said it didn't get done cooking until 7 pm and she'd been in the kitchen all day and was exhausted, she apologized for not bringing it Thanksgiving.  Never heard from the other one.

More than the dinner though is the feeling of being alone and you're no longer the center of someone else's world. 

[JimJim]

Those are some of the most terrifying feelings of all, like when your out and about and you come across a loving couple, holding hands, giving all of your attention to just one person, out of the entire world, the whole universe, this one person that you love, and despite all of our defects, loves us back, wants to know every step of our day, concerned about every breath we take, takes charge of bringing us comfort, allows us to feel safe in a hostile world, let's us know were Loved just for being ourself, where do you start to recover the loss!! So sorry about your sister, and being bailed on like that, sometimes people don't understand the scope of our feelings, until they step into our shoes, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, wishing the best during these trying times..

[kayc]

I realize all marriages are not equal and the same, nor are our losses, but my sister was married for 50 years and did not begin to know what she lost until AFTER he was gone.  He wasn't a flowery kind of guy, didn't say lovey stuff much, but he SHOWED his love every day, he cared about her and took care of her, always there for her, always loyal and honest.  Now she misses him...aLOT!

[Gwenivere]

Don’t we all find that out in some way, tho, Kay?  We all now see just how much more intertwined we were without them, even if we thought we knew.  I get about your sister.  There are some couples in my sphere I wonder would react to this happening. One I never hear anything about personal feelings from the one I am close to.  It’s always about their skills, maladies, lack of income or division of labor.  I didn’t gush about Steve, but I did talk about him.  I have to almost pry this info out of her.  I do know that not all partnerships are as 'deep' emotionally.  There’s all kinds of levels of love.  

[nashreed]

I love to talk about Annette, but there's not many people to talk to about her. My Mom and brother never got to know her, and that's my fault. I have always been very private. I kept our relationship private.  When we moved out of state, my Mom gave her a passive- aggressive "I don't want you back here" trip, because my Mom didn't want me to move away. My family is weird, and they never seemed interested in our relationship anyway. I always regret how I handled it all, but needless to say, I don't talk about her with them. They have their own little world and routines that I feel I am intruding on. So many regrets. I'm so not like my brother, who is financially responsible, and I have negative $200 in the bank. I had to mail my bank a dollar because I can't afford another overdraft on the end of month charge. Life is awesome.

[kayc]

Maybe try selling your albums?  It'd be nice to be out on your own where you could have your own life, even if just a studio apt. and wouldn't have to deal with family all the time. 

[nashreed]

25 minutes ago, kayc said:

Maybe try selling your albums?  It'd be nice to be out on your own where you could have your own life, even if just a studio apt. and wouldn't have to deal with family all the time. 

I've been trying to sell them. I don't have records to sell anymore (sold all those to help with medical bills while Annette was still alive), and those are what's making money these days. CD's are a dime a dozen to buyers. I like them, but they don't sell unless it's rare and from another country- stuff like Heavy Metal and obscure Soundtracks sell. I don't have any of those anymore. I have close to 2,000 that I've listed on Ebay that haven't sold. My father-in-law gave me about 300 DVD's to sell and I've sold 4. They just aren't selling. The market is flooded. 

I complain about them, but I couldn't make it without them- not right now. It's hard enough to find work in California as it is- with the pandemic? Impossible. I do make disability and can only work part time. I don't want to lose Medicare right now, so I'm kinda stuck.

[kayc]

Have you tried getting on the list for low cost housing?  It can take a couple of years but I know people living on under $500 with housing, food, and medical assistance, even utilities assistance some places!
Don't mean to butt in, just a suggestion in case you hadn't thought of it.