Loss of husband

[Di H]

Hello,

I found this site just this morning.

My husband past away about 3 months ago. He had a heart attack while we were at work. He was taken to the hospital and was there for 2 1/2 weeks. When my family and I were able to visit, since covid he was off the ventilator, but not speaking. The hospital staff wanted us to help with that. They wanted to make sure he was responding so they could get him prepared for bypass surgery. Before we were able to see him the cardiologist came to speak with us and was told there was a small infection they were keeping an eye on. After our visit the family and I went home. Later, that same night at 11 pm the UC Dr. Called and told me he was not doing well and to come back to the hospital. My children and I were with him all night long and was told by the Dr/cardiologist to let him go there was no more they could do for him. 

We have been married for 30 years and had an orthodontic practice together for 28 years, which I had to close with my children's help. We/ I are very devastated! I feel so lost! He is my best friend! I miss and love him so much!! I can't stand this pain!

[MartyT]

I am so very sorry for the reason that brought you here, but grateful that you've found us. Of course you are feeling devastated and lost in the wake of your husband's sudden and unexpected death ~ how could it be otherwise? ~ but I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. Others here have been where you are now and we all share in your pain, as we welcome you and walk beside you in your grief . . . ❤️ 

[Kevinslove]

I am so sorry for you loss I lost my husband  of 26 years  5 years ago today and the loss I felt was beyond words,  could not eat could not sleep could not find a reason to go on or smile, my entire world as I knew  it had come to and end and I wanted no part of my new world, so I understand  your loss, this site is an amazing  site full of people  who truly do understand and are their to help you even if just to listen,  try to just take baby steps to just take one moment  at a time, grief  will come in waves and  sometimes  you will feel like you are drowning, in time the waves hit less  I wish there was a way to stop the pain but with great love comes great pain keep posting and know  you are never alone, Hugs

[kayc]

@Di HI am so sorry!  My husband had a sudden/unexpected heart attack that took his life, he'd just turned 51, it was Father's Day 2005.  You spent your life with him, even working together, this must be very difficult!  I'm glad your kids have been there helping.  My heart goes out to you, I remember well those early months/years, it's forever etched into us as it changed us and our lives.  

I'm glad you found this site, it was my salvation during that time as none of my siblings had experienced this, nor my friends.  My sister just lost her husband a few months ago, they had 50 years together, he was 80.  It's very hard, we didn't get to retire together!  I'm growing old alone.  I didn't see how I could do a week without him, it's hard to believe it's been almost 16 years now.

It helps to read/post, to give expression to your feelings and thoughts, this is a safe place to come to, we're listening, we want to be here for you.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gwenivere]

You are so new to this grief.  The world is inside out if you feel it even exists at all.  I can’t remember what I did those first few months, or I should say doing them.  It was all robotic.  I was consumed in pain.  Did the legal stuff, made the calls, etc.  guess nature grants us that so we can prepare for the numbness wearing off and a pain so deep it’s indescribable.  Your children have their own pain, it is not like yours.  It’s the aloneness off this that it so hard to bear.  Many have the shared experience of losing parents.  I’m not saying that to diminish their pain.  But a spouse is a connection that is so personal as it was a 24/7 connection with our closest, most trusted and loved being.  The one who was supposed to be there always.  The one we mattered to the most and vice versa.  I know half of me died when he did.  She’s never come back.  Never will.  I’ve seen other widows do great things, but it doesn’t appear to be part of my destiny.  That I find daunting.  I wish I had some calling to make this waiting for the pain to end easier.  Your path will unfold unique to you.  It’s not something you can see yet.  I hope you come back and keep sharing.  We all help each other so much doing that.

[Di H]

Thank you both for reaching out to me. It means so much, that I am not alone. There are others who know how/ what I'm feeling. I pray, read every day. I started going to a grieving group called "Grief Share" (GrieveShare.org) close to my home. I went to my 2nd meeting last night. I needed to find a place I could go learn, vent and be with other adults. I pray to God to give me guidance each day. Because I feel I don't know what I'm doing. It is so overwhelming and I am scared.

[Kieron]

Welcome, and sorry you have experienced this unexpected and unwanted turn of life. 

14 minutes ago, Di H said:

Because I feel I don't know what I'm doing. It is so overwhelming and I am scared.

it's okay to not know what you're doing.  This is definitely the time of feeling overwhelmed, scared, unsure, etc.  It sounds like you are taking sensible steps of finding support, which will help in some ways, but as others have said, there are some steps that no one else can take for us.  But we're here for you.  ❤️

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Di H said:

I started going to a grieving group called "Grief Share" (GrieveShare.org)

Good organization!  I hope it really helps you, as I think it will!  I'm glad they have one nearby.

NONE of us knew what we were doing as we entered this strange world of grief, all of us in shock, scared, overwhelmed, didn't know where to start...one day at a time.  We find our way.

[Di H]

I'm so emotional right now.  My feeling of excruciating pain is so intense.  I feel so alone. I have lost my husband/ best friend and business partner all in one. I have lost my career. I wish I had taken better care of him. Since that day my life has been crushed. I bath myself in scriptures, but I just can't stand this emptiness / loneliness, the pain is horrendous.  I cry and cry. I miss him so much.

[Kevinslove]

I am so sorry I know  this is very hard I know  that feeling of just missing them so much your entire body just hurts, I am sure you did the best you could to care for him we almost all have  regrets things we wish we would have did or said more I would just talk to Kevin  outside  telling him everything  I wish I would have  said telling him what I was sorry for whether  he heard me or not I like to think so but it made me feel better I know  this road is hard and painful  my heart goes out to you hugs 

[kayc]

@Di HWhen I say this is the hardest journey I've ever been on, I have good basis.  Hold onto your faith, that is what we have at the end of the day.  Little by little we do begin to get used to this so the pain isn't as intense later as it is right now.  Processing this is so hard and takes longer than any of us could wish...meanwhile, we want to be here for you.

[Gwenivere]

I remember talking to Steve a lot for the first few years.  I don’t much anymore.  I think about him constantly. Hear him, can envision him at will.  I don’t know where or if he is.  I’ve felt nothing from him.  Little by little the talking just faded away.  I see the changes around our neighborhood and the sadness as they take away it’s charm and I can’t talk to him about it.  Mourn him in the still existing sources of many memories.  Places we took the dogs or ate are now emotional triggers that haven’t eased in all this time.  I’ve checked out new places and they feel cold and empty without him being a part of it in some way.  Even if it was a one time trip to a new fancy grocery store I knew I’d never frequent, I’d find something to bring home we could try.  Just for fun.  That’s what I miss, fun.  He made life worth the problems that come with it.  Now life is just a passing of time.  Never knew where it led, but it wasn’t as uneasy when we were going forward together.  Haven’t unearthed any rare gems since he left.

[Minerva]

On 5/19/2021 at 5:08 PM, Gwenivere said:

I remember talking to Steve a lot for the first few years.  I don’t much anymore.  I think about him constantly. Hear him, can envision him at will.  I don’t know where or if he is.  I’ve felt nothing from him.  Little by little the talking just faded away.  I see the changes around our neighborhood and the sadness as they take away it’s charm and I can’t talk to him about it.  Mourn him in the still existing sources of many memories.  Places we took the dogs or ate are now emotional triggers that haven’t eased in all this time.  I’ve checked out new places and they feel cold and empty without him being a part of it in some way.  Even if it was a one time trip to a new fancy grocery store I knew I’d never frequent, I’d find something to bring home we could try.  Just for fun.  That’s what I miss, fun.  He made life worth the problems that come with it.  Now life is just a passing of time.  Never knew where it led, but it wasn’t as uneasy when we were going forward together.  Haven’t unearthed any rare gems since he left.

Your thoughts here describe much of what I'm feeling now. It's been just two weeks and already I have noticed that places and things and interests we shared now have lost their savor. I can't talk to him anymore about any of the things we enjoyed together, and those memories hold more pain than pleasure now because I am the only one alive who remembers them. Does that make any sense? It's like my past and the experiences we had together have been erased by his death, the present is full of despair, and the future is dull and gray. 

[kayc]

Once in a while I talk aloud to George...I catch myself and wonder if the neighbors think I'm talking to myself!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t think that’s considered abnormal.  Especially when we’ve lost our normal way of living.  I wouldn’t care anyway.  I only noticed with obviously disturbed people in public like some homeless and undef drug or alcohol influence.  With all the blue tooth stuff it’s hard to tell too.  I don’t, but I sure miss having things to share and someone bringing new things.  I’d really like Steve to help with what I’m faced with.   I need  someone I totally trust.  I talk to him in my heart now.   And if I did choose to babble, I wouldn’t care.  

[kayc]

Thanks, Gwen.

[Margm]

On 10/9/2022 at 7:20 PM, Gwenivere said:

I don’t think that’s considered abnormal.

I still share some of my prayer time talking to Jesus and Billy.  Somehow, I don't think either mind.  Now, that might be some abnormal, but normal never fit me anyhow and I think they understand.  Both of them.