Five Years Ago I Heard the words that changed me forever

[Kevinslove]

It's been five years since I heard those words  " I am sorry mam he didn't  make it " that day changed me forever,  it feels like yesterday  and a lifetime  all in one.  Though I have come along way in my grief journey and I have learned to live with this pain  it is always worse today the day my whole life as I knew  it got ripped  away , I MISS YOU KEVIN  , I miss your unconditional  love, I miss my partner,  I miss the only other person  who will ever love our children unconditionally,  we are having more grandbabies  that you will never know,  though I have learned to live life again the best I can, though I can smile now and shed tears there will always  be piece of me gone up there wherever  you are a piece  I wish never left I will ALWAYS  Love you and Always  miss you 

[kayc]

@Kevinslove  I wish I'd read this eight hours ago when you posted it so I could have respond right away, but alas, I wasn't awake then.

My heart goes out to you...these days are so hard, it's weird how time marches on but that moment is forever etched into our being.  Everything being "before" or "since."  The most life-altering experience we've encountered.  I have two events in my life that are before/since moments, the first when I was 14 and my sister's accident changed everything, left her quadriplegic and killed her three year old boy, damaged her and my other sister's brain...the second such moment was when my George died.  Those two events changed everything.

A lot is whirling around through your head...I hope today is a little better for you, we're here for you.  (((hugs)))

[Kevinslove]

I know  the whole before  and since sometimes just feels so hard the before sometimes is starting to feel like a dream to me at times yet I know  it was once was so real,  I can barely  remember  the sound of his voice anymore,  and sometimes  I have  to think real hard to remember  his face other times it just rushes in my head, sometimes  I just long for the before I want  know part of the since, then the since brings happy times and sad times Joy's of my grandchildren, of looking at my children  and seeing their father in them especially  my boys, Joy's of just being thankful  for being alive, of being able to start to love again but the then the since brings heartbreak leaves a whole that will never go away , makes me face my own mortality  life will never be the same 

[brat#2]

You are in my thoughts and hope you can find a little peace today.  Hugs

[kayc]

It's good you're able to recognize and embrace the joys that come our way!  I know this never goes away, but having much time under my belt has helped.  Hoping it continues to grow softer for you.

[Kevinslove]

It was not easy to find the joy in life it took a very long time to get to that point , there are days especially  like today that the joy just doesn't  seem so clear 

[nashreed]

I still feel as depressed today as I did  the "one year" day yesterday. Even though it was stressful and hard, I miss being her caregiver. I'm scared to death of attempting to work, and then not being able to because of my mental issues. But, not having any purpose is killing me mentally too. It's just hard living. 

[Kevinslove]

It can be very hard  to find our purpose  in this new life without  them and living without  them can just be unbearable at times, everybody's  journey  is unique  to them I just made up my mind one day that I  was gonna  try to start to find some joy in life even the little  things and it was not easy not that it makes a difference  but I also  become a widow at a young age I was only 46 anyways I hope you are able to find some joy in life at some point  even in the smallest  things

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Kevinslove said:

the then the since brings heartbreak leaves a whole that will never go away , makes me face my own mortality  life will never be the same 

This is the reality we do get slapped with.  I always heard we all die, but it became real when it started taking people close to me.  Creating those holes that will never be filled.   I haven’t forgotten his voice or face for one day in the 'since' times.  I yearn deeply for the before times.  I’ve always known they both exist, but reading your post made me see it’s like going thru a door that disappears after we do, there is no turning back.  I’ve had so many emotions and dreams of desperately looking for a place I belong that I feel safe.  I haven’t felt that since he left, and I don’t mean physically.   I don’t have the children and theirs to maybe help see part of him goes on, so I struggle with a world that is not affected by his presence anymore in any way.  Just inside me.  
 

this isn’t the first time I’ve heard about the 5 year mark and I hit it last year.  I don’t know why it is so hard beside the length of time.  Why it grabbed m heart and hasn’t let up on it’s despairing grip.  I wasn’t happy leading up to it, but totally taken by surprise by what I thought was an unshared sadness as people had really moved on. Maybe it was seeing that and knowing I/we hadn’t.  That this will continue til I leave, I’ve given up trying to sort it ouT. I just know it hurts so bad I want to disappear.  
 

I got a phone call.   Different words, but the door opened and I can never go back. None of us can and I never had a situation that I didn’t have other options.  This wasn’t what I wanted nor given a choice.  I’ll never lose that anger.
 

I feel for you on this anniversary.  💔

 

[Kevinslove]

I totally  agree the anger you feel when you love on is taken from you never seems to go away 

[Margm]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

but the door opened and I can never go back. None of us can and I never had a situation that I didn’t have other options.  This wasn’t what I wanted nor given a choice.

After 5-1/2 years, sometimes I think I just hear him puttering around in another room.  One day in this past week I remembered a dream.  But, I only remembered it after I carefully got out of bed so I would not disturb him.  My feet hit the floor and I was awake thinking "silly me, of course he is not there) but he was there 54 years and old habits actually sometimes don't die, even if the person has.  A portion of our life, personal, mental and physical is gone.  Somehow the indentation in our daily life still includes that person.  It is just one of the many paths a person can go.  Like Rose Kennedy said, the wound never heals, we develop scar tissue, and sometimes that is gone too.  

John Denver sang this song.  Substitute the diamonds for zircons.  No more diamonds.

When you asked how I've been here without you
I'd like to say I've been fine and I do
But we both know the truth is hard to come by
And if I told the truth that's not quite true

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones
Sometimes the hard times won't leave me alone
Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones

And we just do the best we can.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Somehow the indentation in our daily life still includes that person.

Oh my, yes!  I don’t do things physically I did to not bother him, but I mentally am so aware of the changes just going thru the day after all these years.  I miss little things like 2 types of peanut butter as he liked chunky and I had creamy.  His coffee mug now holds snack nut bags when it needed to be at the ready in the morning.  His office is a biggie.  I’ve made changes, but in essence it’s the same.  I even miss the clutter on his bedside table that drove me nuts when dusting.  31 married years, 38 knowing each other.  Rituals changed but because we were in it together they flowed easily.  Well, the good ones anyway.   I still have a jar with tea bags from a phase he went thru.  Emptying it would be so obvious as there’s nothing to replace them with I use.  So they stay.  His little bathroom is hard because it became cancer central for many years.  So when cleaning that out, it looks very barren.  It’s never used except I moved our scale in there.  Every time I shut that door I think of hearing him going in and out. The garage is filled with shelves he assembled for my sales shopping addiction.  There are still a few faded notes around to remind me not to dry certain shirts or put things where he stored music equipment.  I see his handwriting everywhere as he organized office supply bins I use.  No matter how much I know the reality of his death, I still catch myself wondering where the heck he is.  It’s never going to feel right again.

[Margm]

His April 14th for years was hysterical.  Papers everywhere.  I told him not to lie.  We always paid while I was working, so I guess he didn't lie much.  I am supposed to keep, I think, 10 years back the woman at H&R Block (or whatever it is called) tells me.  I bought a shredder.  I have to shred all of his writing, all of his figuring.  And, I do know how stupid that sounds, but that even hurts.  I have not done it yet. Years and years and years. 

I should let Kelli figure my taxes.  I really have nothing to figure, but that was "Billy's job" and H&R Block is impersonal.  Kelli is part Billy.  I cannot explain some of the crazy reasons I do things.  My son understands and is the same way I am. Kelli feels closer by doing what Billy would do, I run away.  

[Kevinslove]

Well I made it through  another anniversary  I never wanted  it just never gets easier  to deal with today time to go to sleep shut down my brain and get up and face and start to survive another year  hugs to all

[kayc]

I'm glad, it always feels good to me to have another one behind me, the anticipation is harder I think.

[Kevinslove]

Very true the it's like your brain  goes into overdrive  thinking  of the day coming knowing it a day that just really sucks, then it takes a few days to get back to what is your new normal  hugs to all

[Gwenivere]

Absolutely no offense intended, but there has got to be some other way to describe this.  I am so worn out on the 'new normal' thing.  There is not one single thing thing that I can remotely call normal in my life anymore or how I’ve changed.  The things I do that still appear and are what I did don’t feel the same.  I can only use the word pertaining to reactions or thoughts because of the loss.  But as a whole?  Maybe this is just a useless pursuit.  All I know is before he left, life was normal.  I have no idea what this is.  I’ve had 6 years and it’s still not in my description of this existence now.  

[Kevinslove]

I am not offended  in anyway I am sure that quite a few people  feel exactly  like you I just choose to tell myself  that this is just the way it is now as much as I hate  it  my life will never be the same so I choose to look at it as my new normal it's just my personal  preference  so I guess I would like to apologize  to anyone  who that term might offend  I know that life before  their death was normal  and this new life can be full of emptiness,  loss, loneliness but for me I have  to try to find a light in this dark road for my kids, for my grandkids,  for my own personal  sanity I don't  want  to spend the last part of my life in utter despair and hopelessness it's not easy  but am trying very hard hugs to all

[kayc]

I don't like the term normal either, but I understand what people mean by it, it's merely a psychological term for what is our existence now so in that sense descriptive of it, but it sure doesn't FEEL normal!  Not what we wished for...

@Kevinsloveand for your sake, I hope you find it (light)!

[Kevinslove]

I think most  days I am able to find that light even if just a small one I just try to remember  even for the loss I have  suffered I have  been blessed in so many ways I have  my health, my children,  my grandkids,  even just to wake up to me is a gift even if its lonely sometimes  because  there will come a time when I  to won't  have all of that hugs to all

[Margm]

9 hours ago, Kevinslove said:

so I guess I would like to apologize  to anyone  who that term might offend

Not me.  I appreciate it if anyone can define their normal, and we really do have to accept it.  I've never been normal and am lucky/blessed/something that I have made it this long.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished (very Baptist upbringing).  No one in my life is normal either, well, actually, they are "their normal."  It is what it is.  Not for them, they, or anyone, just however we feel ourselves.  

I broke down and called a friend's doctor's office to have a doctor close.  She (receptionist) said he would read my information and decide whether to take me on as a patient.  First appointment would be in July (last part of July).  He would review and decide.  I told her that was good, "do not forget to inform him that I am almost 79, mean and cantankerous."  We will see if he accepts me.  

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Kevinslove said:

so I guess I would like to apologize  to anyone  who that term might offend 

Oh, I am not offended!  Didn’t mean to imply that.  I’m glad you shared what you do to keep going as we all learn from each other.  I think I am overly sensitive from dealing with the outside world about what most font understand about this huge void.  I also font have kids, close family or friends to share it with that get it.  So I struggle alone.  I talk with counselors and they help, but there are boundaries and we often need an all encompassing understanding like I find here.  
 

I’m happy you have found ways to have something in your day to add a spark.  Your health, family, drive.  I’m trying to find way to fill those gaps.  My focus is how much of a difference it would be to have him here as he is all I had when it came down to it.  As we all did.  I just never envisioned I would get so cut off.  I lost my volunteering to covid and a disabled back.  I became kinda a hermit which is sooooo not me.  The limits are strangling me.  I thank you for sharing your experience.

[KarenK]

Wow Marg! What happened to doctors who accepted you as a patient simply because you needed their help, not because you qualified. Makes you feel like a side of beef that has to be inspected before being sold.

[Margm]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

Makes you feel like a side of beef

When I spent so much time on the scan table in interventional radiology, that description you made is exactly how I feel.  I have wanted to write a letter to the CEO of St. Vincent's Hospital for over seven years.  But then, I wanted to write one about them keeping Billy in the ER with a bag to throw up in his last night on Earth.  I've never written either.  I was naked on that table.  People coming in and out.  I kept thinking, which one of you would let your grandmother lay naked, without even a sheet until you got all your plans made about where you would cut, would do it under scan, and then mercifully a sheet going back to the room.

We had a doctor I worked for.  He was from an aristocratic family in Chicago.  His father had wanted him to be an architect.  All other doctors loathed him because he gave off a "better than you" attitude.  He really was not well liked, and I heard him once talking to a black man that had come to judge our program, keep it legal, he had a suit on, was very nice talking and our doctor knew he had the "say so" as to if our program passed or not.  I heard him talking to this "very important man" about the backward ways in this part of the country.  He didn't realize he was talking to a black man from the deep south.  We passed.  But, this arrogant man made sure there were curtains on the little rooms where the urology patients got their prostate exams at the VA.  He also would personally see the cousin of the woman that worked as his maid, free of charge, and instead of a student/resident taking care of this person, he would do it himself.  He might be arrogant, but he also had a big heart.  Our department head would not see the free patients himself. He rubbed his fingers together to show they did not have money, so actually it was not worth his time.  Faculty loved him, hated the arrogant one.  I'll take the arrogant one anytime over the other.  

This is the first time I have "applied" to be seen by a doctor.  I have proper insurance, and am in no distress.  And if he picks me, I have already warned him, I am mean, I am hard to be a doctor to.  Never had to audition for a part to see a physician.    

[Gwenivere]

I think I’ve heard of doctors turning down patients.  I was turned down by a practice because I need Xanax and they would not prescribe it.  I could still go, but they wouldn’t meet that need. My current doctor doesn’t either (none do with the opiate scare that includes tranquilizers now) so had to get a shrink.  I hope this new doc will prescribe for you, Marg.