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Scariest Part of Being Alone?


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While I’ve not posted in a little while, I am trying to read and catch-up to see how everyone is doing.  

Typically I will go through this forum as at the end of the day as I lay in bed. Perhaps this is why you might see so many typos and/or I appear loopy (I’ve actually fallen asleep in mid-post before).  So I don’t drink and certainly don’t do drugs…I just usually fall asleep reading this forum  

The reason I am behind in reading this forum is I become a bit ill.  I saw a virtual doctor, told him my symptoms and he prescribed some antibiotics. We’ll see. Still running a fever, which is VERY rare for me.   

Over the last 25-30 years, anytime one of us was sick, they were majorly pampered. By that, each other member of the family was at the person’s beckon call to ensure they had everything need for a speedy recovery.  

Obviously I spent my turn sitting at the bedside of our children when they were younger and not well.  Additionally I cannot tell you how many times I sat with/waited on my wife while she was sick. It brings me to tears just thinking of it.  When she was sick I cried, and vice-verse. 

I think this might be the first time I have been “not well” since her passing, and I am man enough to admit it is VERY scary. In fact late yesterday afternoon, I had what I think might be my first panic attack. By that my son was getting ready for work (he is a server/bartender so works nights)….my temperature spiked, and I had this burst of energy (but bad panic-like energy) and started pacing in my room thinking how I’ve not gotten any better over the past week.  

I texted my son and told him I was not well and afraid to be alone (which is extremely out of character for me…but true).  To his credit my son offered to stay home but noted if he called in at the last moment it might not “look good” so I told him just to go on. I eventually calmed myself down. 

To that end, it got me thinking. I don’t really have anyone to take care of me when I am ill. Don’t get me wrong, my son loves me.  However…how do I put this? Let’s say that I was in bed sick (as I have been since Friday) and asked him to get my xyz from the neighborhood grocery store (10 minute round trip)…he would get it, but probably not be back 3-4 hours after leaving. Meaning he would go out with his friends first…and in all candor a 50% chance he would even remember to pick up xyz on the way home.  This is the norm, not the exception.  However I take no offense to it, it just it what it is.  This, assuming he was even home to begin with (which he rarely is anyway). 

So yeah, I’m pretty much on my own when sick at this point (for the first time ever)  and it’s really scary.  

So I give you all that babble to ask..are any of you in the same boat? By that, in the event you become sick you are pretty much on your own…which is new post loss of your significant other? 

I believe the perceived panic attack I had was due to coming to this realization.  

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As a “Bonus” follow up, I’d like share a quick story with respect to this topic of something I saw decades ago that stuck with me. 

It was either a TV show or a movie. I have no idea. I only caught this last scene.  

There was an older man (70’s) who was being wheeled out of a courtroom (I think his children were suing him for his money or something to that effect). 
Anyway, as he was being wheeled out of the court room, he saw his daughter and said: “I used to run a million-dollar company and was an important person to many employees and their families.  I used to be a respected philanthropist and well-known member of our community, helping to build it so future generations could prosper.
“This morning I got yelled at and berated by a minimum-wage caretaker for soiling my diapers. 
How did this happen
?”

I will NEVER EVER forget that. I wish I knew what movie/show it was…I was just flipping channels and caught that scene…but I wanted to vomit it was so dark.  😢

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Ugh, one of the scariest part about being alone is lack of support - whether you're sick or you're going through something and just feel overwhelmed. It's another secondary loss. I've been unwell a few times in the last 21 months (pretty sure due to stress) and I wonder who can I call, even if it's just for comfort. Sometimes all I need is a listening ear and a hug. Friends say they're there for you, but will they really want to help if it's getting late? It's hard to ring someone after the sun has set because they're probably spending time with their loved ones or settling down for the night as they work the next day. 

I'm sorry your not well Sad. Wish you didn't have to go through that alone, that's hard. Sometimes all we need is having the presence of someone else around, who we know is there if we need them, to feel safe and settled. I'm just gonna say it - being alone suck! Be well and God speed with your recovery 🙏

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8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

in the event you become sick you are pretty much on your own

Yes, most definitely.  And it is hard.  I recently had Covid and was sick with it 15 days...I still walked my dog but OMG it was hard to get through!  Esp. one particular Sunday, that was my worst day with it.  It began 7/25 and lasted 2 weeks, one day.  7/31 was the worst.  There is no one to feed me chicken soup or tuck me in.  No one called to check on me until I was over it!  I even posted about it in my church prayer group but they mistakenly took my negative test to mean I was okay...um, no, if I was okay I wouldnn't have posted or brought it up, it only meant the home test didn't work as they often don't.  
I'm so sorry you've been on your own with this!  I figured you were busy traveling...

I hope you're doing better now!

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8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

This morning I got yelled at and berated by a minimum-wage caretaker for soiling my diapers.

Wow, this kind of sums up what becomes of us as we age.  :(

 

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14 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

While I’ve not posted in a little while, I am trying to read and catch-up to see how everyone is doing.  

Typically I will go through this forum as at the end of the day as I lay in bed. Perhaps this is why you might see so many typos and/or I appear loopy (I’ve actually fallen asleep in mid-post before).  So I don’t drink and certainly don’t do drugs…I just usually fall asleep reading this forum  

The reason I am behind in reading this forum is I become a bit ill.  I saw a virtual doctor, told him my symptoms and he prescribed some antibiotics. We’ll see. Still running a fever, which is VERY rare for me.   

Over the last 25-30 years, anytime one of us was sick, they were majorly pampered. By that, each other member of the family was at the person’s beckon call to ensure they had everything need for a speedy recovery.  

Obviously I spent my turn sitting at the bedside of our children when they were younger and not well.  Additionally I cannot tell you how many times I sat with/waited on my wife while she was sick. It brings me to tears just thinking of it.  When she was sick I cried, and vice-verse. 

I think this might be the first time I have been “not well” since her passing, and I am man enough to admit it is VERY scary. In fact late yesterday afternoon, I had what I think might be my first panic attack. By that my son was getting ready for work (he is a server/bartender so works nights)….my temperature spiked, and I had this burst of energy (but bad panic-like energy) and started pacing in my room thinking how I’ve not gotten any better over the past week.  

I texted my son and told him I was not well and afraid to be alone (which is extremely out of character for me…but true).  To his credit my son offered to stay home but noted if he called in at the last moment it might not “look good” so I told him just to go on. I eventually calmed myself down. 

To that end, it got me thinking. I don’t really have anyone to take care of me when I am ill. Don’t get me wrong, my son loves me.  However…how do I put this? Let’s say that I was in bed sick (as I have been since Friday) and asked him to get my xyz from the neighborhood grocery store (10 minute round trip)…he would get it, but probably not be back 3-4 hours after leaving. Meaning he would go out with his friends first…and in all candor a 50% chance he would even remember to pick up xyz on the way home.  This is the norm, not the exception.  However I take no offense to it, it just it what it is.  This, assuming he was even home to begin with (which he rarely is anyway). 

So yeah, I’m pretty much on my own when sick at this point (for the first time ever)  and it’s really scary.  

So I give you all that babble to ask..are any of you in the same boat? By that, in the event you become sick you are pretty much on your own…which is new post loss of your significant other? 

I believe the perceived panic attack I had was due to coming to this realization.  

So sorry you're not feeling too good. Is it possible that you caught something during your trip? 

Wishing you a speedy recovery. 

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The scariest part of being alone is knowing I'm going to die alone. I have hypochondriac tendencies, and I used to be able to complain to Annette about my little aches and pains- when compared to hers were nothing. She always made me feel better and put up with a lot. We were each other's caregivers. 

Now today, as I woke up to an apocalyptic morning with smoke literally everywhere because of a very nearby fire (you might have seen my sad little town mentioned on the national news), I am very aware that I may have to take care of my older brother. He's very sensitive to air quality and has breathing problems and has been coughing his brains out all night (he's been coughing all summer actually, because of allergies, pollen, dust- who knows). Unlike Annette, he never sees a doctor, takes no medications, takes no responsibility for his health. I am not going to be his caregiver. I am done with that. I can't do it anymore. The thought that I'll be stuck with him the rest of our lives is also very scary. 

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What town do you live in?  We have nearby fires, in the news, Cedar Creek fire, high winds expected Friday, Saturday in 100s, they may shut off electricity as a precaution...

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We saw what's going on in California and other states  just yesterday on the news. We thought, there we go again, every Summer,  these poor people have to go through this nightmare. We usually have this problem in many parts of the country, we've had to call the fire brigade more than once in past years,  as the fires were so close to our house, but not this year. This year we've been submerged by rain, I was actually saying the other day that the only advantage of this is that we haven't had these devastating fires. 

Kayc and Nashreed, I'm sorry you're experiencing this hell, I hope it all calms down soon, not causing too much damage, above all, I hope no more fatalities and injuries. I suppose, Covid face masks may be useful now when you need to go out in that air full of smoke. 

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Yes, when the smoke is really bad, I wear my mask out.  Even so, it's NOTHING compared to a year ago!  The air:  2805 !

Air Quality 090721.JPG

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Imo The scariest thing of being alone, after the loss of your soulmate, is the person you are becoming against your will and the place/role you are now in other's life, precisely because you are alone.

 

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No idea how long before electricity comes back, I'll lose my freezer& refrigerator's food.  Will be weeks before I come home.

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Ana, you wrote a perfect summation of what this is like.  It’s so much lonelier  as just about everyone in our lives do not understand it.  No where to turn so oftrn.😓

 

kay, I’m so sorry.   

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17 hours ago, scba said:

Imo The scariest thing of being alone, after the loss of your soulmate, is the person you are becoming against your will and the place/role you are now in other's life, precisely because you are alone.

 

Exactly. I'm not the same person I was with Annette. I'm selfish and lazy and have no purpose or direction in life. No wonder I can't dream of her. I don't deserve to. 

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I wouldn't say all that, James.  You're getting through the way you know to. 

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On 9/7/2022 at 1:32 PM, nashreed said:

The scariest part of being alone is knowing I'm going to die alone. I have hypochondriac tendencies, and I used to be able to complain to Annette about my little aches and pains- when compared to hers were nothing. She always made me feel better and put up with a lot. We were each other's caregivers

I felt this. 
Dying alone is definitely a scary thought.  For some bizarre reason I am not concerned with being alone for that experience. It’s one of those things where I think “never in a million years did I think this is how it would end up—but what can I do?” It’s one of the few things I have actually accepted with the passing of my wife. 

I think what has helped me to accept it is this: Assuming only one of us (my wife or myself) could have the opportunity to pass with our family around us…I would happily sacrifice this so it could be her. Now every time I think this I hear her voice telling me “Of course you would, because you aren’t the one who died first” (my wife was SO worried about dying—she really wanted to live).  

But I sincerely mean that. Aside from her young age her passing was as peaceful and loving as that experience can be. 

So now, my future is completely unknown. I imagine this experience has take years off all of our life expectancy. Who knows. I plan to research how long males my age have lasted after losing their spouse at the age I lost mine.  

Best case scenario for me is my son stays with me in India (where I moving to soon) and gets married and starts a family I am able to be around etc and I have people with me when I pass. Or, he’s not with me but the local community takes care of me. Who knows.  I am just living my life trying to make myself worthy to be reunified with my wife after passing. That is my sole purpose in life at this point. 

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I wish I had the means and the wherewithal to do something like that, Sad- to spend my life in service and tribute to my wife. Unfortunately, I am lazy and not a people person. My anxiety might be an excuse, but it's real. I just don't care enough about others to do good- that makes me a terrible person, I know. I gave all I had in caring for Annette, but now I don't want to be around people... only if there was someone special. I try to do what I can for my Mom. It surprises and unnerves her that I actually do little things to help her out, that I try to be considerate- because my brother never is. I guess I still have little bit of who I was in me, but I don't want to be a caregiver anymore. Any little disruption to my pathetic routine stresses me out greatly. I can't handle any kind of conflict or problem. I just panic internally while outwardly trying to seem like I don't care. 

I don't think I'm worthy to be with Annette. I'm scared of reincarnation (if anyone believes in that here). Years ago, a friend of Annette's was into Tarot Cards and Palmistry and all that jazz, and she told Annette she was an old soul that was on her last life. I, of course, was a "new soul" on my first. Great. 

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I'm not scared to die alone, and alone sounds better than the hospital.  

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I'm afraid there were be no one to take care of my cat when I die.  I have no kids, on purpose.  I paid attention to the Zero Population Growth people.  I'm glad I did.  When my husband died I heard the death rattle...the plastic against plastic sound.  He was in our bed.  I was in bed beside him. He was on oxygen, and I kept it on long after I knew he was dead, just in case I was wrong.  Once he died all the things I'd been interested in before no longer interested me.  He died at the end of January 2022.  I know he is still with me, and I know he is in the next dimension, simultaneously.  We got closer at the end of his life than we had ever been.  All the barriers were gone.  He was in such horrific pain.  I don't want to die like that, in that kind of pain.  There will be no one to help me with what I need.  I know he will be with me as I make the transition to what comes next, but....

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1 hour ago, Chocolate said:

I'm afraid there were be no one to take care of my cat when I die.  I have no kids, on purpose.  I paid attention to the Zero Population Growth people.  I'm glad I did.  When my husband died I heard the death rattle...the plastic against plastic sound.  He was in our bed.  I was in bed beside him. He was on oxygen, and I kept it on long after I knew he was dead, just in case I was wrong.  Once he died all the things I'd been interested in before no longer interested me.  He died at the end of January 2022.  I know he is still with me, and I know he is in the next dimension, simultaneously.  We got closer at the end of his life than we had ever been.  All the barriers were gone.  He was in such horrific pain.  I don't want to die like that, in that kind of pain.  There will be no one to help me with what I need.  I know he will be with me as I make the transition to what comes next, but....

I am so sorry for your loss. I am intrigued by your statement. How do you know your beloved husband is still with you. I lost my wife over two years ago. The one thing I know is that she is in Heaven. She suffered in pain for twenty years. Aside from a dream visitation and a couple of instances within the first week after she left, I have not felt her at all. I know she's not hanging around- and I'm glad for her. I talk to her every day, but I feel incredibly alone. I wish that she could be here on this plane and in Heaven. I just don't know how it works. 

We've all suffered greatly on this forum. I'm sorry you're here, but glad you're here. It helps to write it out. There is nothing too much for us to handle. We're very caring here. 

James

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@ChocolateI am sorry for your loss...I realize it's been 8 1/2 months, but still it's hard, as your post bore out. I'm glad you and your husband were so close!  Carrying the memories of his love inside my heart will sustain me the rest of my life...I know I was loved and no one can take that away.

I have kids, my son lives 3 hours away, I have the long trip to make to see him and He doesn't have time to sit down with me when I'm there.  My daughter I rarely hear from..  Both my kids very busy, always working.  I figure I'll outlive my puppy, at least that's my goal, I don't want him re-homed or going through trauma.

I'm glad you found this place and hope you continue to come here to read and post, it helps.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

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13 hours ago, nashreed said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I am intrigued by your statement. How do you know your beloved husband is still with you. I lost my wife over two years ago. The one thing I know is that she is in Heaven. She suffered in pain for twenty years. Aside from a dream visitation and a couple of instances within the first week after she left, I have not felt her at all. I know she's not hanging around- and I'm glad for her. I talk to her every day, but I feel incredibly alone. I wish that she could be here on this plane and in Heaven. I just don't know how it works. 

We've all suffered greatly on this forum. I'm sorry you're here, but glad you're here. It helps to write it out. There is nothing too much for us to handle. We're very caring here. 

James

Thanks so much for your reply.  Twenty years of pain is a long time.  I'm so sorry you feel so alone.  I understand the feeling, although I'm sure you and I experience it in a way unique to each of us.  Intense grief can get in the way of our abilities to feel the one who has passed, with us.  It can block it actually.  I've lost so many I decided to learn to perceive their presences.  Some of it involves freeing our inner limitations that we don't realize that we have.

I know my husband is with me by way of my innate connection to all-that-is, physics-specifically quantum entanglement and string theory, and thoughts and ideas that come to me through myself and others.  The merging of these and other things help me understand/know my husband is still with me.  The things that I have come to believe have developed over the years, starting with nighttime dreams I had as a very young child. I lived in a rural setting.  We didn't have television reception at the time.  We didn't go to movies.  My parents were country hard working country people who took me to church.  Over the years I realized that there was so much more.

By the time I met my husband, I had lost a number of people to death who were important to me, including my father of heart disease and a boyfriend to cancer.  My father would come to me in my dreams. His presence was/is just there.  In some ways I think it's because of the gratitude he has because of the way I helped him and Mom through a horrific tragedy triggered by my brother's violence.  After my boyfriend died I decided it was time to find a deeper level of spirituality that worked for me.  As they say, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Mine did in the form of several people. None of them agreed about the "truth".  They appeared at different times as I needed them.  I gleaned from each one.  Some of what they believed overlapped.  The seeing of those who no longer have a physical body was one of those overlaps, although each teacher had a unique take on it.

My husband and I found each other at the river.  He was on vacation and fly fishing. I had just quit my job because my boss kept coming on to me.  Otherwise, I would not have been there staring at the water healing myself of my latest loss.  We were instantly comfortable with each other.  We were in our early 40s. (We had both been divorced twice.) There was an inner realization for both of us that we had always known each other.  From that day forward we were together, and our love grew.  We were both writers.  We married, combined our resources and moved to the boonies to follow our bliss.   He wrote a couple of novels and then began a journal about wild turkeys.  I wrote a number of books.  By the time I completed my last one I had lost so many people I began looking into quantum entanglement, as it might possibly relate to the afterlife and other dimensions. I wrote a novel about how the love of two of my characters was quantumly entangled, permanently.  It is said, we are all one.

By the time my husband passed away, thirty-one years after we met, the intertwining of who we were had greatly deepened.

The laws of physics say that nothing is ever lost, it only changes form and substance. My husband had a spiritual essence but he was big into science.  I learned a lot from him and the documentaries we watched.  Right before he passed away he said he would wait for me outside of the doors of heaven.

Once he passed, nothing meant anything to me.  All my motivation to write my books, all my motivation to paint my paintings, everything was gone.  I was destroyed.  I began writing a journal of my thoughts and feelings.  Some of those thoughts were mine. Some of them were his, coming to me as thoughts.  It took some time to figure out what was what, but several of the teachers I mentioned above told me this was possible.  I'm a big skeptic, so it took a while for me to accept it.  Some of the words that come to me are from my dad.  Some are from other deceased loved ones, but mostly they are from my husband, dear soul that he is.  It turns out that in some ways my last work of fiction was to help both him and me understand what was to come.  Our souls are quantumly entangled.

One of the things I did to help myself feel closer to him is to enlarge photos of him, ones where I can see into his soul, the love, the beauty that he is, and place them around the house.  It helps.  It helps with the connection and helps me feel less desperate.  I also get feelings of his presence being with me.  I get brief sensations of his hands being on my shoulders.  I get mental images of him being with me.  This is not dwelling in the past.  This is using our connection to learn and grow into the next level of awareness.  He has become one of my guides, a guardian angel of sorts.

The day before he died these words came to me, "Follow him through the opening door."  This I will do when it comes my time.

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

@ChocolateI am sorry for your loss...I realize it's been 8 1/2 months, but still it's hard, as your post bore out. I'm glad you and your husband were so close!  Carrying the memories of his love inside my heart will sustain me the rest of my life...I know I was loved and no one can take that away.

I have kids, my son lives 3 hours away, I have the long trip to make to see him and He doesn't have time to sit down with me when I'm there.  My daughter I rarely hear from..  Both my kids very busy, always working.  I figure I'll outlive my puppy, at least that's my goal, I don't want him re-homed or going through trauma.

I'm glad you found this place and hope you continue to come here to read and post, it helps.
 

 

 

Thank you, kayc, for your caring response.  The article you wrote is most insightful.  I attended a grief support group that the hospice place provides, but it was 80 miles round trip once a week and at the time I attended it was emotionally draining rather than helpful.  Once upon a time I trained to be a counselor.  So I know the stages of grief and how it all works.  The hospice social worker came out to see me for a while.  She was a sweet gal.  It helped.  Unfortunately they eliminated that part of her position.  I love where I live.  It's in the mountains.  The wild animals are comforting.  The trees and vegetation are soothing, although the fire danger is high and there's always the chance I may have to bug out.  The social groups I could join are 40 - 60 miles away, one way.  Right now I'm working on how best to proceed.

Yes, adult children get caught up in the own lives.  I remember how it was for me when my dad died.  I know I wasn't there enough for my mom, but I tried to be there all that I could.  Now, I know what she was feeling.  She and Dad had been married 46 years when he died.

Thanks for caring.  My love to you.

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Wow, Chocolate, that's quite a journey you've been on, spiritually and emotionally. 

I wish I could find more peace, to connect better with nature and the spiritual world- but I can't turn my mind off. Material concerns and anxiety have me feeling like a ghost- a spirit in the material world. 

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