Being Alone Sucks

[Boho-Soul]

I miss having conversations with someone about daily life. I’m sick of eating alone with no one to talk to. Still bummed that my friends ghost me when I text and friendships have faded. It’s stupid. I had and made solid friendships more when I left my abusive marriage and was going through a divorce than a death. Maybe because I was so young and had a child. Ugh!

I usually don’t like to complain but I’m just so lonely and finding new friendships is hard. Being alone sucks.

[nashreed]

I'm so sorry, Boho. I know so well what you mean. 

It's weird how I never ever felt alone, like really alone with Annette- no matter if we were apart, if she was sleeping, at her worst- when she was in the hospital, when she was on a ventilator, when she was hallucinating. We were always a team. 

I live with my mom and brother- but it's not who I want to be with. I love them because of who they are, but they can't be everything or anything that Annette was. More often than not, my Mom is nodded off watching TV with her at night. It's good that I'm here to look out for her, but it can be lonely. They just don't understand me. They tolerate me. We all three of us wanted things to turn out differently. The three of us are miserable in our own ways- but we never talk about it. It's just all superficial and avoiding feelings. It's not who I was with Annette. That person died. 

It's cruel that people ghost you. I've had it happen to me too. It happened with a widow recently because I got too dark with her. It's hard to be someone who's brutally honest, with no filter. I used to hurt Annette's feelings and I never ever meant to. I used to blurt things out, not thinking sometimes- but we were so comfortable with each other that it was ok. She understood.  Now I just clam up. I've gotten good at it again. Back to like when I was a teenager. Back when I used to have to talk to the school counselor because I had no other outlet. I didn't graduate high school because I missed so much credits and classes because I got called into his office all the time. Not that I was ever diagnosed with anything- that wasn't a thing in the 80's, I was just a weird basket case. 

I would never ghost you, Boho. Take care. 

James

[V. R.]

Boho, you tugged at my heartstrings when I read your post. I know exactly what you mean. I now understand when people say that when you go through a grief experience, friendships either become closer or end. I think the second option is more common. I've never really had many friends, but even our mutual friends that knew my husband so well, or his personal friends that he'd known for years, have also suddenly become estranged beings. At first they called, promises to visit but never did, some never even called, who knows if they even know what happened to him! I received a call (after two years!!) from the president of a medical association that my husband was a member of (before selling his business) saying that he had only just been informed! I managed to stay calm when he explained that he was so distraught, had so much admiration for my husband and intended to fund a scholarship in his name. To top it all, at the time when I lost my husband (Nov 2020)everyone had the excuse that we were in "Covid" shutdown  with very rigid restrictions, no visits allowed, only close family for funerals, no leaving the house unless it was an emergency, and so on. What about after that? When restrictions were lifted? All forgotten. I think people who haven't lost a soulmate just cannot empathize with us, they feel embarrassed, so instead of saying the wrong things which could hurt us, they prefer just to avoid us. 

 

[V. R.]

Hi James, we've just posted about  the same time. It's a relief to have this site where we can share our feelings, it really does seem that in our 'real world' we just don't get any empathy and feel like we are surrounded by 'unreal' beings,who haven't got a clue what we're going through. I feel guilty being a burden for my kids when they always see me grumpy and snapping at them, I'm not  the same person I was, absolutely not. The fact is that I'm their mother because my husband was their father and now that he's gone, I only feel 'half' a mother, sounds silly I know, but that's how it feels,and at the same time they are suffering so much too, for their dad.  So I understand what you mean about feeling that your mum and brother are tolerating you, and that you feel alone even if you are living with them. I'm sure they are glad to have you with them though, instead of thinking of you living alone in a different home far away. Like you say, we never felt lonely with our soulmates even if we were apart for a few hours, we knew they were always there. It's so tough not having that shoulder to lean on, any longer. They are still here though, they are part of us, guiding us along in everything we do. From what we have learned from them, we will make it and continue living "for" them, and  in this way, they continue living through us. I keep repeating to myself and have promised my husband that I will not go into regression, the 'better person' he made me will not disappear. I hope to keep this promise. 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, V. R. said:

When restrictions were lifted? All forgotten. I think people who haven't lost a soulmate just cannot empathize with us, they feel embarrassed, so instead of saying the wrong things which could hurt us, they prefer just to avoid us. 

Yes.  And it doesn't end..  My life was never the same again, not after George died, not after Covid (not that it's gone).  No easy answers.  

I take Kodie for a playdate every day.  I never know what it'll be like, yesterday we went down there, usual time, and they were gone, took Jazzy with them, door locked so I knew they weren't in Oakridge, which meant an all day trip to the valley for medical or something, groceries on the way home.  I called them at 4:30, they'd been home 1/2 hour, so we went back down there, I sat outside in the cold watching the dogs play while Iris was sleeping and Mike met with a workman and then put groceries away.  Normally when I go down there Iris is busy or sleeping and Mike might come out on the deck for a cigar and chit chat.  That makes it pass faster.  But you never know.  Once in a blue moon Iris invites me inside to wait, but not often.  Once in a while a cup of hot tea while outside.  It's hard when it's 30 degrees and you're sitting out there waiting.  The dogs are not bothered by the cold and they're occupied.  But it's the highlight of Kodie's day, and Jazzy, she waited by the gate for him to come 1/2 hour because no one thought to call.  This is my life.

[Boho-Soul]

9 hours ago, nashreed said:

It's cruel that people ghost you. I've had it happen to me too.

I would never ghost you, Boho. Take care. 

Ya, it's really confusing why my friendships faded. It just created more loss which lead to further loneliness. It's sad it happened to you too, and to so many others.

I joined a widows group last year with the hope to make friends, but they're all retired and older so I couldn't relate to them. They talk about the retirement facilities they live in, and discuss with others who are thinking of selling their homes which one to move into because they offer activities such as bingo. Playing bridge, bingo or cribbage is so not me, even down the road when I am retired this will not be me. Then there are others that talk about all their travels as they have the finacial means to do so. Again that's not me. They are all lovely woman, but either way I can't relate to any of them.

Thx James, I believe that you wouldn't ghost me. btw, you're still in my prayers.

[Boho-Soul]

9 hours ago, V. R. said:

Boho, you tugged at my heartstrings when I read your post. I know exactly what you mean. I now understand when people say that when you go through a grief experience, friendships either become closer or end. I think the second option is more common.

To top it all, at the time when I lost my husband (Nov 2020) everyone had the excuse that we were in "Covid" shutdown  with very rigid restrictions, no visits allowed, only close family for funerals, no leaving the house unless it was an emergency, and so on. What about after that? When restrictions were lifted? All forgotten.

It's such a strange phenomenon that friendships end after a death. At first friends are there, like the day of, and they say they'll call weekly to make sure I'm ok. They do, then life goes on and the calls stop and the loneliness sets in. As we noted before, out losses are close (my husband died Dec 2020) so it was the peak of the pandemic, everyone was told to stay within their own covid bubbles which limited connects. People became so self-protecting that when restrictions lifted they maintained their tight bubbles.

I've tried to reconnect with a select few friends hoping for reconnection, but as I mentioned I get ghosted, or they tell me how busy they are with their lives, so I listened between their words and realize that I don't fit into their life any more. 

[Boho-Soul]

9 hours ago, V. R. said:

I keep repeating to myself and have promised my husband that I will not go into regression, the 'better person' he made me will not disappear. I hope to keep this promise.

I like this promise or focus you have. Do you find it hard to do? I feel I'm a different person since Michael's death, and I can't fully connect to who I was before. That's a strange feeling. I still feel like I'm living in a fog, it's not as thick as the first year or so, but it's still hazy. It makes it hard to feel connected to myself, or maybe I've change in such a profound way that I don't know how to connect to person I am now. Maybe I'm resisting to adjust to the person I am now because I've changed so much and I don't like it. Or maybe it's the loneliness that's changed me. 

[nashreed]

47 minutes ago, Boho-Soul said:

Ya, it's really confusing why my friendships faded. It just created more loss which lead to further loneliness. It's sad it happened to you too, and to so many others.

I joined a widows group last year with the hope to make friends, but they're all retired and older so I couldn't relate to them. They talk about the retirement facilities they live in, and discuss with others who are thinking of selling their homes which one to move into because they offer activities such as bingo. Playing bridge, bingo or cribbage is so not me, even down the road when I am retired this will not be me. Then there are others that talk about all their travels as they have the finacial means to do so. Again that's not me. They are all lovely woman, but either way I can't relate to any of them.

Thx James, I believe that you wouldn't ghost me. btw, you're still in my prayers.

You're kind, Boho. I just know what it's like to be lonely at night and to make a call out into the wilderness (aka this forum), wanting/needing to be heard. 

I am very lucky, and I should count my blessings that I have two family members here that distract me from thinking of what I've lost. I can get caught up in their problems (making mountains out of molehills, when they don't know what I've gone through, real pain and struggle and heartbreak). I'm also very, very aware that my mom is not going to be around forever, and I have major anxiety and PTSD about it. Every cough and ache she feels (which she blows off and always says is nothing) is a source of anxiety. I don't want to be hyper aware of her ailments- I don't want to be a caregiver anymore (I can't do it), but I can't help but be worried. 

[Gwenivere]

We become very empathetic to others from what happened to us.  It’s like instinctual now.  We know that deep pain and drawn to it.  Hoping we can help because we get it.  I only meet others in grief here.  It’s not something people talk about outside plus I can’t go out.  I do come in contact with it as my roommate has lost 2 people.  I’m so exhausted by grief.  It takes so much out of you.  Hate getting up.  But I know if I don’t it will be worse.  I know your house situation is not warm and close, but they are your family.  I feel bad that it. doesn’t help you more.  

[kayc]

@Boho-Soul I too had people ghost me, every friend I ever had disappeared, my two BFFs before the funeral even!  Our couple friends disappeared immediately.  It's bad enough you've been through the shock of your life and lost your husband and your whole life changed, but I never would have expected getting abandoned by friends.  I made a new friend, we were very close, did everything together for 10 years, then she moved to TX and remarried, 7 1/2 years ago, haven't seen her since.  I built a life I could live again, activities/friends, then Covid hit and that was that.  Now I'm more introverted, alone.  You are right, grief changes us, we aren't as we once were.  I'm thankful for my dog.  I pray you'll find your way...are there any other support groups nearby you could try?

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't want to be a caregiver anymore

When it presents, you just do it.  I did it for my sister Peggy 1 1/2 years even with my pain and 10% strength in my hands.  The hardest part was lifting her big heavy walker in/out of the car so many times.  I finally had to get someone else to drive her, it injured my right hand.  But thankfully I made it through and I miss her every day.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

they are your family

Yes.

[V. R.]

I'm sad to read about all this 'ghosting' going on, but I'm relieved because I realize that I'm not alone in this, as I was beginning to think there's something wrong with me . The exact same thing has happened to me.

I understand also about the caregiving. Just three months after I lost my husband, me and my daughter (my son had his own problems to attend to) suddenly found ourselves alone caring for my MIL living  20km away from us (divorced from FIL way back in 80s, never remarried but he did), )suffering from dementia, then falling, breaking her thigh bone, surgery, followed by one month at her house bedridden (severe obesity, we couldnt even turn her), needing 24 hour care, me and my daughter traveling backwards and forwards every day during covid restrictions, luckily we found a night carer, so we could return home. In the end, we had to find her a place in a rehabilitation centre/nursing home  where at least they got her to walk again. She had made no progress at home with the physiotherapist. 45She was there seven months before she passed away (11 months after her son, my husband). She also had severe diabetes but in the end I feel and I am sure she died from a broken heart, after having lost both her sons. I could read it in her eyes when we visited her that she was just letting herself go and had no wish to live anymore. I also worrry about my parents who live in town, but for now they're still independent(more or less!), my dad doesn't drive any longer, he turns 89 next week, so when I do my weekly shopping, I pick up my mum so she can do hers and other errands. Obviously I often have to drive them to medical visits. I'm not complaining though, one thing I've learned about life is that if you complain or nag about something/someone, there's that little 'gremlin' hiding behind you on your shoulder, watching your moves, adding more problems if you dare say a word. Just grin and bear it, there's always worse. Perhaps this saying could give us strength and positivity to face our battles which seem endless sometimes. 

 

[V. R.]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We become very empathetic to others from what happened to us.  It’s like instinctual now.  We know that deep pain and drawn to it.  Hoping we can help because we get it.

True, so true Gwen. Those are sacred words you've written. I didn't have a clue until it happened to me. 

[V. R.]

22 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

Do you find it hard to do? I feel

Yes, Boho, I find it very hard to do and I feel I'm letting him down and not trying hard enough at times,but this is a goal I've set myself as part of my 'mental therapy', determined to achieve it, giving myself a reason to go on, and not break down completely. 

 

[Boho-Soul]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I pray you'll find your way...are there any other support groups nearby you could try?

I trialed other grief support groups, I find they weren't helpful, more of a reminder of loss. I know I'm part of the 'widow club', but I don't like to be reminded of it, just seems counterintuitive as I'm doing what I can to move forward. I'm now searching to find some common interest groups. I may join a dance class and I'm planning to join a strength training group at a small local gym to regain some of my strength and muscle tone I've lost due to inactivity the last 2 yrs.

3 hours ago, V. R. said:

Yes, Boho, I find it very hard to do and I feel I'm letting him down and not trying hard enough at times,but this is a goal I've set myself as part of my 'mental therapy', determined to achieve it, giving myself a reason to go on, and not break down completely. 

I like your positivity to work on your mental health, it's so important to have a healthy goals to work towards as we move forward with life. I've had enough ups and downs that I now realize the downs are temporary and there will be another up, even if I have to create one by focusing on what I'm grateful for. Gratitude always helps me get out of the dips that happen. I found this great graphic that explains grief in a realistic way, and shows how one's life grows around grief. I'm definately gonna work on that.

[V. R.]

Yes, this graphic describes very well how we should be processing our grief. I will definitely try and print these words in my mind, so each  time I get one of my 'grief attacks' I'll refer to them, to calm myself down. 

[Margm]

Billy was sort of controlling when we first married.  He was jealous of my friends and sometimes even my family.  I had been raised "close to the house" and had friends, but mostly I had a big family of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.  My classmates in later years, we would go places together, but my dad was deacon at a small Baptist Church, and I was watched pretty close.  So, being under Billy's thumb was not much a change to me and his friends became my friends. When I moved back to our home state where all our marriage had been alive, the friends that were his and mine sort of disappeared.  My old friends and the relatives that are still living are close to me.  If you ever watched donkey and Shrek, you will remember a scene in it where donkey says "I'm all alone" and twice since my granddaughter moved out, Donkey woke me up saying "I'm all alone."  It was too funny to make me sad.  I want her to have a life though, and honestly, I was more her keeper than she was mine.  I do not need one yet, and I have felt some freedom that I have never felt before.  It won't be for long, I know.  I have to be here for my sister who is 10 years younger than I am, but fate has put us in this position.  She pushes people away.  Even her niece and nephew, unless she needs something I'm not strong enough to do.  

I guess with a lot of family, you do not need as much interaction with friends.  We all still talk on FB and messenger, my two closest ones I lost within a couple of months of each other.  When you get 80, it happens that way.  I read a lot, probably more than most people, and perhaps that was the best gift my mom gave me.  She was always quoting poems and stories to me, long before homes had televisions to take away the gift she gave me.  I do not watch that much TV, I read.  My  mom's gift to me was imagination.  It still keeps me company.  I can't leave out my dad either though.  He could naturally play any musical instrument and he played me songs sung by many old country singers,  and hymns and soul songs he had learned in his childhood.  He would play his guitar to sing me to sleep, and I'd go  to sleep worrying about that poor man "waiting for a train" that had no money or home.  My dad was a RR man and my early life grew up around the  RR.  

Don't think bad of Billy for being controlling.  I was used to it and when he lifted his thumb off me it was "Katy bar the door."  We were able to work that strife out though and he apologized for being so controlling, and he knew he was being that way.  He was a wonderful father, and when we worked the kinks out, we had many  years of him being my best friend.  What he said was true "I am you and you are me."  I miss us both.   

[scba]

I have the theory that in spite of abundance of good hearts, the ultimate truth lying inside for most people is that they don't want to hear about death loss and grief. If they could be vocal all times they would say it plain and simple. 

This is the only explanation I have to the fact that widowed people stop talking, start lying and start hiding. I know I have done this in order to be "back to the world". In being back I lost my soul. My mind and my body are back but my soul is gone. 

[Boho-Soul]

On 1/19/2023 at 4:46 PM, Margm said:

I guess with a lot of family, you do not need as much interaction with friends.

I suppose that's true, although it depends on family dynamics. My exhusbands family was somewhat dysfunctional, so friendships were valued during that time. My late husbands family is all over, one brother in Budapest, another on Vancouver Island, his mom and another brother in the GTA, so no cotact with them really as they don't live close to me. My family is super small, my dad, one sister who is close but we're so different we don't do things together. My daughter and I are very close, but she's busy with her career and caring for a toddler. My mom died when I was 4yrs so I don't know anyone on her side of the family, rather sad really, but that's life with all it's twists.

[Boho-Soul]

10 minutes ago, scba said:

I have the theory that in spite of abundance of good hearts, the ultimate truth lying inside for most people is that they don't want to hear about death loss and grief. If they could be vocal all times they would say it plain and simple. 

This is the only explanation I have to the fact that widowed people stop talking, start lying and start hiding. I know I have done this in order to be "back to the world". In being back I lost my soul. My mind and my body stayed but my soul is gone. 

I think your theory is right, most people are not comfortable taking about death and loss, it's like a taboo topic to discuss because it can bring up a lot of difficult feelings like anxiety, fear, sadness or feelings of awkwardness. As a culture we tend to pretend like it's not going to happen and avoid it.

For me I won't stop talking, I won't lie and I won't hide. I've already lost so much that I won't lose myself. I'm changed and I carry a soul wound, but I won't lose my core self.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

I suppose that's true, although it depends on family dynamics. My exhusbands family was somewhat dysfunctional,

I have always felt both sides of our families were dysfunctional.  Billy's mom "cursed like a sailor" and I grew to love that ole gal.  I know my family fusses from time to time and I just allay it to being dysfunctional.  In fact, I cannot remember a family I knew of that did not have some dysfunction.  Then I think of the "first family," perhaps, and Cain killed Abel.  We learned from the best.  I sure can't remember my mom running around the house with every hair in place, a pretty dress covered by a beautiful apron and high heel shoes like the mom did on the TV show "Leave it to Beaver.".  But we did eat three meals a day sitting at the table.  We (after marriage) had a dining table too, but by the time my kids came around they had invented TV tables.  I still think I have five of those.  We always said the blessing before each meal at my mom and dad's home.  Like I have said, my little sister was almost 10 years younger than me, and I can remember her getting hungry between lunch/dinner and supper.  She would drag her wooden high chair to the table saying her version of the grace, "Lordy, Lordy, Lordy."  She was ready to eat.  

[kayc]

Marg, your last sentence reminds me that even with grief there is still humor in the world, it kind of grounds us in this.  

Boho, I wish you were here, we'd have a grief support group that wouldn't just be old people and you'd feel comfortable.  But I like your focus, you're determined to care for yourself and that is so important.  V.R. no you're not alone in this.

[Roxi]

8 hours ago, scba said:

the ultimate truth lying inside for most people is that they don't want to hear about death loss and grief.

Yes...i don't talk anymore about him with friends! On my own initiative...i don't want brings my sadness in our moments together!

But sometimes i laugh about some funny moments with him...and friends laugh with me!

There may be very different emotions in me at the same time...

 

[Margm]

Roxi, seven years later, I still cannot go some places or repeat things we did together.  A funny picture of him is okay, but a serious one will still tear me up.  He worked so hard on April 14th to make our taxes less and he'd stay up all night.  I have years of tax papers that are legal to throw away, and I bought a paper shredder to do that.  Still can't do it.  Laughter is good.  For some reason, tonight is a very "low" night.  It happens sometimes.  TV does not help, but reading turns my head another way.  I will go read.  We do what we can, when we can.  

[kayc]

On 1/20/2023 at 3:36 AM, Roxi said:

But sometimes i laugh about some funny moments with him...and friends laugh with me!

There may be very different emotions in me at the same time...

Me too, hardly anyone left that remembers him.  It means so much when a voice from the past does and mentions his name.  I realize how much it meant to my mom when I'd talk about daddy to her.  She lived 32 years as his widow.  Ugh.  I'm a little over halfway there only I fear in my case it'll be 40, I was 52 when he died.  We live into our 90s in my family if we take care of ourselves.