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Lost Again


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It's been a long time since I've visited the boards. I lost my mother in January of this year and it's been really difficult. I feel so lost sometimes. I try to take it one day at a time, but there are moments where I can't stop crying. Sometimes I get this overwhelming notion that maybe I'm moving on without her, like she's no longer part of my life, and that hurts the most ! I miss her !

Last night I had a dream that both my parents were alive and we were chatting. I wasn't aware they were gone, so I started asking hypothetical questions. I began with, "What if you are no longer here, what do you want me to do with my life?" "What about your furniture, what should I do with that?" On and on I shot the questions at them, but all they did was smile and didn't say a word ! It was heart wretching and I woke up crying. My dad died 6 years ago, at 47 yrs, and ever since then I took care of my mom. She was my best-friend, she was my life. And now that she's gone, I'm lost. I'm 30, single, no kids and an orphan. I'm having a terrible day, and I can't stop crying ! I'm scared..... :( Where's my mom.....my dad?

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Hi Shubom; I am so very sorry to hear about your parents..your mom was very lucky to have you and you her...You ask where is your mom and dad? They are in your heart believe it or not; they are with you and part of you. I am pretty sure there are some things that you do that your mom would say, Your father did that same thing...and I'm sure there are things or facial expressions that you did that your dad said, Gee..your mom did those same things... and your memories are there for you to draw strength from. My mom passed away 3 years ago on Aug 23, quite suddenly. I got the call from the police...they found her in her apartment...The last 9 months of my mom's life were very hard for her...her husband of 3 years had a sudden heart attack on Thanksgiving, right after dinner and she blamed herself that she did not know CPR...I was there for her as much as I could be..I went shopping with her...went to the movies with her, lunch...helped her clean, move...generally tried to be there every spare moment because I did not want to feel guilty for not being there, and I wanted to get to know my mom and be friends with her...it seems by your posting that you were the rock your mom needed after your dad passed away and I am sure you helped your mom more than you could ever know. The fact that you made a difference in her life is the key to knowing that you did all you could and you should be proud of yourself. Not many people would stick by their widowed parent like you did...you're lucky you can cry...it took me about a year to cry and then it was nonstop for a few weeks...everytime I smelled a woman who was wearing the same perfume my mom did, I would burst out crying in the middle of the store or where ever I was...or if a song came on the radio that my mom liked, I would just cry...3 years later, I get sentimental....but somehow the pain is not so fresh, but still there...time does make its mark. I miss my mom like you miss your mom. Be sure to have a memorial of her whether it is a collage of photos or photo album..or just a bookshelf with stuff that she liked or was hers is helpful...at least to me as I have one. I have one of her stuff and of stuff that she gave me...My thoughts are with you. Take care. Hope this helps.. you are not alone here.

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Shubom,

I am so glad to see you back on the board! I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry you are still suffering so. I know how you feel. My mom is basically my whole life and I don't know what I'm going to do when I lose her someday. I worry about it constantly. It may seem like a long time for you, but nine months is not that long. I hate to say this, but it will take a lot longer to even begin to feel "better", but I only bring this up to give you hope that it will happen someday....and so you know you aren't going crazy! I'm so sorry you are so alone, but sometimes even when we have people around us, we still feel alone. Just continue to take it day by day and try to have faith that life will get better. Things have a way of happening to change our lives when we aren't looking for it. Good things will come your way.

A huge hug to you,

Shell

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Shubborn

I can relate to how you feel, i miss my mom so much. i was her caregiver for 158 mos while she was bedridden and i feel lost. not sure what to do with myself or who i am. i have a wonderful husband and children but the pain is unbearable. today we went to a baseball game and even watching the game thoughts of her getting coming into my mind, then the guilt i have starts to creep up. its a horrible feeling, my mom passed on 7/3/06 so i know it hasn't been long for me but somedays i think it will never end and that scares me. i always ask where my mom is, sometimes i scream for her that i need her. my therapist says that b/c i was her caregivere for so long that it is harder to get over. i try to tell myself something positive everyday when the negative/guilt thoughts come up. i can only try and that is all you can do. pls be patient with yourself. lori

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Hi, shubom:

I have my days where the loneliness is excruciating (I'm 43, single, no kids, but would love to have a family someday) and I remember telling friends right after Dad died that I felt "like an orphan." I think sometimes being single is a lonely experience even in the best of times, let alone working through the loss of a loved one. I'm feeling scared about a future without my Dad. I still have my Mom, but I'm clinging to her for dear life and probably driving her crazy. From what I've been reading and learning from folks on this site, these feelings aren't uncommon. Please just know that you're not alone...I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Leann

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I just wanted to add something about being a caregiver. I think that adds another layer to grieving. I know the feeling of taking care of someone 24/7 and when they are gone, you feel lost and disoriented because your whole schedule changes. Just the faact that they left you is enough, but there is that added "what am I suppose to be doing, who am I now, what next?" feeling. Like you've been dropped off in the middle of a deserted island.

Hugs to all,

Shell

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I do not know the reasons that we have dreams like these but from my experience we all seem to have them at some point or another. I had one of my grandmother just 2 weeks ago (she passed March 25 th of this year) I want to believe it is their way of letting us know that they are ok and that they are still with us even if only in our dreams. I know that for me my grandma was my "rock" she was what I modeled myself to be when I grew older. She taught me all the important things in life including how to be a survivor. Cherish the dreams that you have and just know that we are all here for you when you need us.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had. I woke up with this eerie sensation that my parents were gone. I don't know if I dreamed about them or what, but when I woke up, I felt scared and cried for an hour. I'm not use to being without them. They've always been with me. I felt like a baby wanted to be held.....touched.....by my mommy and daddy.....and they were nowhere to be found ! The pain was excruiciating. No one was home who could comfort me, and I had no one to call. I felt so ALONE. It was 1 am and I felt like jumping in my car and driving far far away ! Today was a hard day at work, and I had a stress/grief headache that wouldn't go away. Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself sick ! But I don't know what to do. I miss them so much !

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Shubom,

I feel so for you. It is so hard to feel so scared and lonely. I feel that way a lot even though I still have my mom and brother. Don't know why, but sometimes I feel I am alone and no one cares. Just another byproduct of grief, I guess.

Maybe next time you could get up and watch tv or read or do something you enjoy doing. Don't know if this would help, but it might get your mind off the bad feelings. And also remember that there are people on this site that think about you and hope you are ok, so you're not as alone as you think.

A BIG hug to you,

Shell

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Shubom,

I can completely relate to your feelings of being alone as I'm sitting here feeling that way myself right now. I miss my Dad more than words can express and yet I'm supposed to carry on as though life is normal? My family (Mom, brother) are doing their own things and although I know that everyone copes differently I don't feel like I'm part of the family anymore since Dad and I had a bond that was unbreakable. I also want to jump in the car and just drive as far as I can because my friends aren't really there for me and when they call they call they want me to help them with their problems. They don't even consider that I'm grieving - they want advice and while I try to give it and it does help to feel like I'm helping them I wish they could help me. The fact that the rest of my family is moving on as though nothing happened tears me to pieces. My Dad was the love of my life (he was 68, I'm 36) yet no one gets how important he was to me. So while I have family and friends I still feel completely alone.

Rambling and sorry for that...just know that you are not the only one feeling this way!

Take care,

Kathy

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I understand completely how you must be feeling. I've had a similar day like that myself today (part of it may be because my aunt's funeral was yesterday). My family continues to grow smaller and smaller; that thought scares me through and through. Since I'm single and don't have a family, the world seems as though it's an even lonelier place. I miss my Dad so much at times I feel as though I can't breathe. When that feeling hits me, especially late at night, I log on to this discussion board. Sometimes I don't leave a post; I just read. It truly comforts me to know that there are others who are feeling similarly. This is a very caring place. Sometimes I journal...I write my Dad lots of letters to share with him what's going on with me. That's become much like our daily telephone conversations used to be for me. I now try to do it around 7 pm...that's when we would most often talk. It seems to help me enourmously. Sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes out to eat with friends.

We care about you...you'll get lots of "cyber hugs" and prayers here whenever you need 'em.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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KathyD,

Funny you should bring up how your friends want you to help them. I had a friend (thought she was one of my best friends) I've known since high school. She lives in California now (I live in Alabama, where she is originally from)and after I called her to tell her my dad died, I haven't heard from her since! A year and a half ago! She sends me forwards, but nothing personal. Hasn't called even ONCE to ask "How ya doing?" Yesterday I got a "personal" email from her, to tell me her husband had some surgery, but that he's going to be ok. I guess she expects me to call and ask her all about it (something I would normally have done immediately!). This may sound cruel or uncaring, but I deleted her email and don't plan to call. I haven't thought of her as a friend anymore since telling her about my dad. It is so amazing how selfish people are and wrapped up in their lives only. I feel like the people on this board are more my friends than most of my "real" friends, of which I have only a very few left! I truly do think of all of you almost every day and wonder how you're doing, or how something worked out, or hoping you're feeling better, so you are not as alone as you think you are.

Hang in there everyone,

Hugs,

Shell

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i agree about friends. i think people are so wrapped up in them they don't care about others. i don't believe that they don't know what to say. just asking how you are helps and then really listen. someone asked me how i was yesterday and before i could finish answering she started telling me something about her dog. i just listened and then said i had to go. the only thing i can say is death happens to everyone so one day they will all feel it. lori

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I can tell you all that Shell is a great friend I have never met her and we have talked and she has listened so much to me and gave me the truth on advice and all, but to my point I was having a major I mean major bad day on Saturday and I needed to talk to somebody and guess who was there for me yes SHELL and just let me go on and on and on and even checked on me later on to see if I was ok. THANKS SHELL you are a true person and friend THANKS!!!!!

I also feel we all are there for each other that was just an example of how we as a family are here for each other no matter what is going on in our lives we all MAKE the time to talk and care and listen THANKS to ALL I really appricate you all really I truely do. this site has helpped me out so much.

Thanks

Haley

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I agree about friends. My husband and I had these friends in college. We introduced them, going on a double date with them as a blind date for them. They ended up getting married and we were in their wedding. They have been married for 30 years. For years we have only exchanged Christmas cards, since they live back East.

I called them when he died, and they were sympathetic. That was over two years ago. This summer they came out to the West coast to see their son, who lives a couple of hours from me, so I drove down to see them. We spent the whole weekend together, and they NEVER said Don's name to me once. I brought him up, not in a morbid way, but funny things he would say and memories of the four of us in college. They would turn away and change the subject. I realize it was probably because they didn't know how to handle their grief, but I find it so hard to believe they don't know how much this hurts me? I was so looking forward to sharing memories with them! You know how it eases the pain to hear others speak of the one who died, telling you their memories of him/her -- I was so hurt to be denied this comfort that I don't even want to ever see them again! It makes me wonder why they even bothered to tell me they were in the area so we could see each other -- what did they expect, that I would completely ignore his life, pretend he never existed?

I think people believe if they talk about the deceased person, they prolong grief. Only when you actually go through this do you know that isn't true -- you're going to grieve regardless for a long time, and talking and sharing memories helps. But a lot of people believe it's best to "avoid unpleasant subjects" as my mother says.

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Haley,

Thank you so much for the kind things you said about me! I do think of us as "family" and wish we all lived in the same town! That would be something. You, too, have listened to my problems and helped me so much with them, and I THANK you so much for that.

AnnC,

I know the feeling too well about wanting to talk about a person who's gone and having no one who wants to talk about them. I have been going through something similar lately that relates to my true love, who has been gone over twenty years, but has been on my mind so much lately. I found his brother awhile ago and called him. Turns out he didn't want to talk about him and now won't talk to me at all!? I know his death was really rough on him, but I feel like he just wants to forget about him. It angers me. I only have one person I can discuss this person with who knew him, and he is an ex-boyfriend who is now married, so obviously we don't talk very often. It's really hard to not have anyone to share memories of that person with. I don't blame you for never wanting to talk to your "friends" again! There are some hurts you just can't forgive.

Hugs to all,

Shell

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