Sadness

[dpodesta]

Well it has finally hit me tonight. A very deep sadness. It started by watching Star Wars III of all movies. This sadness is deeper than any that I have felt before. I miss Karen so much I can't stand it. Oh what I would give to have her sleeping next to me at night, to hear her voice and see that smile that lit up her whole face. To feel her arms around me just one more time. Why is it that God takes the good ones so early in life. What job did she finish for God that she was no longer needed on this Earth? I will never know until the day I get to see her again in Heaven. Carson is so strong, but he needs the touch that only a mother can give, I can't do that for him. It just saddens me so much that he is without his mother at so young an age. I put Carson to bed at night and lay with him for a few minutes and then when I get up the house just seems so quite an empty. I don't since the happiness that there once was. I just wish I could go back in time to live the last 12 years just once more, to change a few things that would have made our lives easier and not have to worry about debt. I just need someone to talk things over with at night, help with the decisions that need to be made when it comes with Carson. Why did I have to be left by myself to make these descisions? Am I making the right descisions, Am I doing the right things? I don't know anymore, I feel lost and empty. I love to eat but there are so many days that I can't, food just doesn't appeal to me anymore. There are so many things that she used to cook that I will no longer be able to have. THere is just so much missing in my life and I don't know how to deal with it. Some days I just don't care about anything, and that is not like me. I used to be a very caring and giving person, I would give you the shirt off of my back if you needed it. I just feel so drained of all emotion, and I am always just so tired, I take naps in my office during lunch rather than eat because I can't keep my eyes open. I don't know where to go from here.

Thanks for letting me dump what has been on my mind, thanks to everyone here that have stood beside me and help guide me with your experiences. I know that I am not alone anymore, and I am proud to call you my family.

[Penny1]

Oh Derek,

I wish so badly that I could take your pain away...

Please don't doubt yourself when it comes to Carson... you are a wonderful father and you should never feel as if you are not making the right decisions...

I know how lonely you must be...the nights must be so very difficult for you and I wish I could be closer to help you through your sadness...

Marty pointed out a very interesting thing in another post... she asked one poster to go back and look at his posts.... maybe you can gather some strength in the advice you have given to others....

You have the strength within you to make it through.. I know you do.. yet you are falling right now and that is to be expected..its ok.... dont beat yourself up about it... you will fall and even though times like today seem so bleak and despairing it will pass... have faith Derek and God will help you through....

I have missed talking to you on msn and if you ever need a friend, I am there for you...

Take care, I will pray for you...

Hugs

[STARKISS]

Hi Derek,

I am so very sorry that you are in so much pain, I only can pray that your pain goes away very soon.. I know how you feel about lonely nights as I have too spend most nights like that... I wish so very hard that it was just a dream and my parents would come back but it is not and I must face life as it is now... Take care and again I am sorry you are in so much pain Shelley

[spunkye]

Dear Derek,

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time!! You are so dear and have so many wonderful things to post - and you're so honest and caring...I appreciate you very much.

I relate to not particularly wanting to 'give' anymore. I feel like I could care less, right now, about anybody else - just me and you guys. I'm usually so willing to b e a good listener, empathizer and "helper' with my friends - there's one friend in particular that's having a tough time and calls periodically - and I don't even want to talk with her! Grief takes many shapes and sizes, doesn't it?

As far as parenting goes, we do the best we can - and it's hard to imagine you could be anything but a good father to Carson. This is a particularly hard time - but your love will see him through, I'm sure.

My prayers are with you and I send my love,

Love, Benita

[KarenH]

Sorry Dereck,

I never know if my responding to you is hurtful since my name is also Karen, but I can certainly relate to your emptiness. Paul and I were together for 25 years, have a teenage son and I am always second guessing my decisions and wondering if he would approve. But we have to make them for our kid's sake. And I'm sure you are making the right ones. The quiet house is definately the pits. Last night we had a horrific storm that lasted from 9pm till 2am. No power, 4 inches of rain, hail, lightning and thunder all around and all I could do was lay in bed and watch the lightning flash over an empty spot where he used to be. It was awful not feeling the protection I once felt in times like that. Needless to say I felt like napping at work today also. I hope it helps to know you are not alone, even though it doesn't take the feeling away. I hope tomorrow is better for you and I'm sure Carson loves you very much.

God Bless,

Karen H

[chrissy777]

Derek,

I am so sorry you are feeling this extreme sadness. I agree that you are doing a wonderful job as a father and although your child doesnt have his mother he is lucky to have you. I get upset alot thinking of how my son will not have his dad and never met him to know how wonderful he truely was. We have so many memories to share with them though. We have been dealt an awful blow and it isnt fair. I dont think Karens job was done on earth alot of people say that but how could that be? To me a job being done would be a long life with your family and not being taken away with a wife and son or husband and son left behind. I dont know what to think sometimes. People also say " It was his time" I dont understand that either. I think of a verse from the bible I cant quite remember where I read it but it goes something like trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. That has kinda helped me not to dwell on why it happened but that it did and I just have to have faith. Well I dont know if that helps at all but I will pray that things get easier for you. Take care of yourself.

[kayc]

Derek,

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad...I wish I could cheer you up but I'm afraid there is only one that could do that and she can't reach you right now. Of course you still need Karen and it's crummy that you're having to do life without her. I will pray for God to somehow cheer you up or comfort you.

[lorikelly]

Derek

I am sorry that the pain is so bad right now for you. i wish i could say something to take it away . i can only tell you that i will pray for you that God will give you the strength. i have never meet you but i can tell from your posts that you are a very caring and giving person. that is why karen loved you so much. you are a wonderful father to Carson and i know that you are making all the right decisions. i am happy to hear that you lay with him at night he probably really needs that and its good for you. you both need each other right now and i know that God will help you get through it. i wish i was right there with you so my family could help yours. pls know that i am always here to listen. God Bless and keep you safe. lori

[TerryB]

Derek,

I am very sorry you are having such a bad time. It has to be so hard for you but I can tell you are a good father and I think you will make the right decisions for Carson.I hope and pray tomorrow is a better day for you.

You always respond to people's postings with such words of encourgement. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Maybe just knowing there are a lot of people here that care helps a little.

TerryB

[STOO]

Derek,

I'm so sorry that you are having so many doubts and such a terrible day. I have read many of your posts, and it is very apparent that you are a caring, loving, sharing person and a wonderful Dad. YOU have helped and consoled many people here in this forum - I can only hope that we can return some comfort to you. I'm sorry that Carson will not have Karen as he grows up - you are right that its not at all fair. You will have to share with him all of your loving memories of her, and of your lives together. But Carson *is* lucky in that he will have you raising him, teaching him how to be as caring and loving as you are. YOu are a wonderful example for him to emulate. May God take you inhis arms and comfort you at this time. I will keep you in my prayers. ~Stoo~

[dpodesta]

Thank you all of you for your uplifting replies. It is just another example of why we are here.

KarenH, Don't ever worry about replying to any of my posts. I don't ever want to stop hearing or reading the name Karen, if anything just seeing her name and yours when you post is a reminder of the good times we has the past 12 years. I look forward to hearing from you in the future.