Still Feel So Empty

[chrissy777]

Well I was waiting so long for the baby and am thrilled that he is here. I thought that I wouldnt feel this emptiness and lonliness once he came, but the last few days I have been longing for Jason so badly. I started sleeping in our bed again and it is so cold. I picture him there with me and it hurts so bad that I cant have him here. The baby brings me so much joy and I am so happy to have a piece of him here with me but He cant fill the void that was made when Jason died. I dont know I have been longing to just be held or kissed and I know I want that from Jason but I know eventually I will want that from someone again. I dont want to feel like I am settling for something less though. Jason said to me before he went for the transplant that he didnt want me lonely for long if he died he also said I dont want you to settle for someone because you deserve someone wonderful. I dont know if I can ever have what I had with Jason with someone else again. I know it is only 3 months but I feel like It has been an eternity. Well thanks for letting me vent. Take care

[spunkye]

Oh, Chrissy,

It's so painful what you've gone through and what you're going through now. All I can say is I'm so sorry for you experiencing so much pain and loneliness and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better - but I can't. Having a new baby, of course, is bringing you joy - but you still want Jason there to share with. I can't imagine what that must be like.

My husband, Dick, was 78 years old and had been married for something like 38-40 years to his first wife who died of a brain tumor 12-13 years ago. He had five kids with her. When he and I got together, my daughter was grown and all his kids were grown - so we only had eachother, and that was just fine. I just turned 66, and sometimes (I hate to admit it) I feel like my life is over - or will be soon....negativity is something I've always had to fight against, and lately it's been hitting me full force!

Even though he was older, he was still my sweetheart and I feel like he always will be - whether another man comes into my life or not...he was also my friend and the one I could go to if I was hurt - physically or emotionally. It's so strange, when I'm going through the worst time of my life, I can't go to him! Living through his illness and his death is the hardest, most painful experience of my life - and I still wish it weren't happening.

I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry we have to go through this.

Love, Benita

[LarrysGirl]

Chrissy, I know this must be hard. Having your new precious son is so wonderful but it does not take away from missing your husband so much. Having to experience one of the most joyous times in your life without him has to feel impossible. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to make this better, but please take care of yourself and give yourself enough time to get thru this. Deborah

[JennO]

Chrissy,

I understand your feelings a little too well. Rory just turned one and he was three weeks old when Jeff died. Every day is a tug and pull...loving Rory so much and so elated that he is with me, then so desperately sad that Jeff is not and will never be here to share the love, excitement, and joy that only parents experience. I won't say I feel it gets easier, but I do think you will begin to manage better. We talk about Jeff a lot and Rory says Dada and kisses his pictures or points to his urn in our china cabinet (he is behind glass which Jeff would have hated to not be front and center rather than behind glass...) I am figuring out my new normal and take it day by day. Funny thing..every time I get sad, Rory gets really quiet and just hugs me or looks at me very intently. They get it Chrissy and he loves you...unconditionally.

Wishing you some sleep...

Jenn

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

I to wish there was a magic word that I could say or that I could be there for you to have a shoulder to cry on, unfortunately I can't. I can't even imange what it is like to take care of a baby without his father. I still find it hard to believe that I am taking care of a 7 year old without his mother. It was overwhelming enough even when both of us were together so I am sure I could double or even triple the feeling and I might be close. I know how you feel with the emptiness, I still feel it every day. When I come home at night there is just the regular smell of the house instead of the smell of dinner on the stove. No more holding hands while watching a movie, No goodbye kiss in the morning, and so on. I am sure the emptiness will lessen with time, but I think it is something that we can never fully fill up. I think of it as this way, when we got married, we became one so when she died, a part of my heart died with her. That part of my heart can never be healed or filled with anything else. The only thing I can do is to look to God and ask him to fill my emptiness, only he can make me whole again.

Hang in there, I will be praying for you and that God will give you some peace, just turn it over to him and let him do the work.

Derek

[STOO]

Chrissy,

We all, here, understand the emptiness you feel. Every day is different - some better, some worse, but all lived with a void in our souls. Life does go on - even though most of us, at some point, have wished that it didn't have to. One of the only things that helps me is this site - I come here when I need to know that I am not alone, that there are others who understand my feelings of loss and grief, others who mourn also. Come here as often as yoiu need to, tell us whatever you wish to share. We will be here. ~Stoo

[kayc]

Dear Chrissy,

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely...I too have a hard time sleeping in our bed, even after 15 1/2 months. It feels too empty.

Of course the baby doesn't replace Jason...no one will. Eventually you may find someone to share your life with, but you won't ever have the saqme thing you had with Jason...but you will have something different, something special in its own way. Try to give it time and be patient, right now you are adjusting to so much. I wish I could make it all better for you!

[chrissy777]

Thank you all for your replys. I was flying high on the excitment of having the baby and I love him so much. The past few days have been very hard for me though. Oh God I have never wanted something so badly in my life and I cant have it. I dont want to dwell to much on my feelings and lose such wonderful precious moments with the baby. This is suppose to be such a happy time. I keep busy with the baby but I cant stop feeling the emptiness that I feel. For some reason it seems a little worse now. I thank you all again for your replys take care.

[STARKISS]

Hi Chrissy777,

I think that it might seem a little worst because You want your husband to enjoy your little one just like you are doing at this very moment No one can blame you for that... I hope all is getting a little better and that Your son is doing well Take care and God Bless You Shelley

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

I think Shelly hit the nail on the head, you are missing him more because he isn't there physically to share in the joy of a baby boy, however he is there in spirit, he see's how you look at him, he knows what is in your heart. It may help to talk to him, I know when I am very down I will sometimes talk to Karen and it does help some. You are countinuosly in my prayers.

Derek

[Brooke]

HI Chrissy,

It's odd how similar mine, your and Jenn O's situations are. I agree with her that I can't say it gets any easier, you just adjust to the new "normal" that is now your life. What we have been through gives a new definition to single mother/father. People say my older sister is a single mother, and she says no I am not,we just don't live together, she still has that help whether it be physically, finacially or emotionally, we on the other hand do not. Some days are more challenging then others, especially when it is one of those days when you would rather just stay in bed, but of course you can't. I am lucky in the fact that I have a couple good friends that have turned out to be an extended family to myself and Tanner, they have two children and realize how hard some days are with both parents there, let alone only one. They try and help me whenever I call out to them, and I hope you all have the same that are facing this situation as well, I am thankful everyday that I have Tanner in my life, I would be a lot worse off if he wasn't, and one day he will understand just how much he pulled me through this horrible tragidy. Yes everyday is a challenge, and everyday I grow stronger for it, I keep telling myself, if I can get through this I can get through anything!!

Take care Chrissy,

Hugs and strength

Brooke

[Jamie]

Hi Chrissy,

My heart aches for you and for your little Jason. How I wish I had the words to comfort you but I know what you need the most is your husband Jason there with you and his little boy.

I cannot say that I know how you feel, well actually the empty, lonlyness and longing for our loved ones....that feeling I know. I wish that I could come and be with you and help you and hold you close and just let you cry and talk and yell and do whatever else you want to do. But I also know that in no way could I ever replace the one you need, your hubby, Jason.

For me right now the pain is so great and so bittersweet regarding my grandaughter that Herman will never be able to hold.....the little grandaughter he always wanted so in that way I do understand the longing.

My Herman will be in Heaven for 11 long and lonly months on October 13th, for me I continue to struggle and I think at first our minds protect us but after awhile when the shock and numbness is gone, the real grief begings.

Chrissy, you and your son are in my prayers and if you ever need to talk, please feel free to email or PM me.

Much love,

Lori aka Jamie

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I have to concur here with the other replies...I think it's just that you have something so wonderful you want to be sharing and can't...it is natural that you should feel this way. You are doing right by trying to focus on just enjoying your baby. It'll take time to adjust to being without your husband. I am glad you have the baby though. I wish I had that...but at 54 I guess that would be pretty silly!

[chrissy777]

You are all right. I wish Jason was here to see the baby, give his input, and take turns with me in those late night feedings. When Jason died I think I kind of developed a little of what I call obsessive compulsiveness. I couldnt get the house clean enough and it took its toll on me. When the baby came I tried to keep up with my obsessed cleaning but now have come to a realization that even if my house was a disaster there will always be time to clean it and the baby will only be this little for a little while and I need to enjoy my time with him. I did clean today but it was just picking up it wasnt the obsessive cleaning I was doing. In my mind I wanted everything "perfect" I have to realize that there is no perfect and if Jasons death didnt teach me that I dont know what will. I have to tell myself just to enjoy life and cherish everything I have. Thank you all for listening and your kindness. It really means so much to me to come on here and have such wonderful people to talk to. Take care

[MartyT]

Chrissy, dear ~

You said, “I thought that I wouldn’t feel this emptiness and loneliness once [the baby] came, but the last few days I have been longing for Jason so badly . . . The baby brings me so much joy and I am so happy to have a piece of him here with me but He can’t fill the void that was made when Jason died.”

When Jason died, you still had ahead of you the enormous and frightening task of delivering your baby without Jason by your side, as well as the overwhelming responsibility of bringing home and caring for a brand new infant all by yourself. You had to muster all the strength and courage you had within you to accomplish these enormous tasks, which I suspect left very little room for you to ponder and experience the full force of your grief. As horrible as you must have felt right after Jason died, you also may have deluded yourself into thinking that you’d feel better once the baby was born, when you’d have baby Jason upon whom to focus your attention. Now that the baby is here and you’re home all alone with him, you’re gradually discovering the enormous responsibilities of being a single mom, the reality of which can be overwhelming. At the same time that you’re adjusting to being a brand new mother, in addition to your housework, there is grief work waiting to be done. The enormous reality of your loss, the reality of Jason’s physical absence in your life, your aloneness in parenting this child, is now only just beginning to push itself into your conscious awareness.

The first task in grief work it to acknowledge the reality of your loss, and that is what you’re doing now, whenever you have those moments when you’re acutely aware of Jason’s absence and you find yourself longing for him. It’s at those times that you need to acknowledge your feelings, give in to them, and find some way to express them – whether that’s by coming here to vent, or by crying your eyes out in the shower, or by raging at the heavens. Do whatever works for you.

Nevertheless, because you’re all alone adjusting to your role as a brand new mom, I know there is precious little energy left over for you to do your grief work, and that’s okay. This is Mother Nature’s way of cushioning you against the full force of your loss, and I want to encourage you to give yourself permission to take your grief in smaller doses, letting it in just a little bit at a time, as you have time enough and energy enough to give it the attention it demands. This is a normal and healthy thing to do, Chrissy, and in your particular circumstances, I think it is a matter of survival for both you and your baby.

[dpodesta]

Chrissy

After Karen died, I didn't keep up with the inside house work. Once I got into the WARM Place one of the topics we were talking about is time. Most all of them said, don't worry about how clean the house is. Take the time to enjoy your child they are only young once. The housework will always be there. One thing that I did was hire a lady to come in and clean once every other week, all I have to do is pick up and let me tell you that has been a very big help. Our children grow up so fast is seems these days you miss it before you know it. One thing I used to do in the past is say, I can't wait until he is out of diapers, ...eating regular food, ...can help take care of himself.ETC...Now this year I am realizing that I can wait until he grows up, I don't want him to grow up. It wouldn't bother me one bit if he never turned 8, he could stay this age forever. Take your time, spend as much time as you can and let the other things come when you have time, never let "I will play with Jason later when I get this done" become a reality, I have done that several times and now wish I hadn't. God bless you and baby Jason and may he hold you and grant you peace.

Derek