Sorting Through Papers - Grieving Deeply For Four Months

[STOO]

It was four months ago this morning that my beloved passed. It still seems like a terrible, awful dream... I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I can't feel any lessening of my grief and sorrow. To make things even worse for me today, I have spent the morning going through papers that he had saved. He was a leader in a local civic group, and the new leader has just been named, and is in need of the paperwork, and I have put off going through the documents and discarding the ones that are no longer needed. I just don't want to remove anything with his name on it. Seeing his handwriting is so painful - touching things he touched, reading things he worked so lovingly to prepare. Also mixed in with the papers are some personal things - letters of thanks, awards, things like that. I have had to stop for a while - I can't see through the tears or concentrate through all the pain. I know much of what I was sorting is either duplicated or outdated, still it is so very difficult to throw away anything with any connection to him. How have others of you dealt with things like this.

[lorikelly]

I think you should keep them all for now. just put them some where and when you are ready to throw them out you will know. i have kept stuff from my mom b/c it has her writing on it. maybe i will never get rid of them and thats ok to. do what is best for you, keep what you need and give yourself time. 4 mos is nothing that is how long my mom is gone so i know the pain is bad. my thougths are with you. lori

[MartyT]

Dear Stoo,

So many of our members have struggled with this very same challenge of going through our loved one's possessions. You may find this thread helpful:

Christmas

And if you use our site's search feature, you can type in the word "sorting" to see what other posts come up for you. This will reassure you that you are not alone in this struggle.

Lori is right: There is no time limit for accomplishing this task of sorting, and always, if in doubt, keep and store those items about which you're not yet certain, and save the task for another day and time. You may not be in the best frame of mind to make such difficult choices right now, and that is normal and to be expected.

[dpodesta]

Stoo,

I have dealt with it much the same way you have, it has been almost 7 months now and her purse still hangs on the bedroom door where she would put it. There are bucoos of stuff of hers that I still haven't gone through. I am in desparate need of closet and drawer space, but I haven't been able to bring myself to cleaning those out to make the room. Eventually I know I will be ready and I will know it when I am, take your time and deal with only what you can deal with at the moment. There is no time frame to go by, just or own and each person is different.

Derek

[missingcharlie]

Well, I will add to this. It will be 2 years in about 2 weeks, for me, and my husband's clothes still hang in the closet and are still in his dresser. This has been the hardest part of letting go, for me. I feel if I "get rid" of these things it's going to seem like I don't care anymore (or something) and that is absolutely not the case.

Actually, lately, I have been making a plan to get this done by the end of the year. It's not like I NEED the space, but I am starting to think that it's time. Over the last 2 years I have gotten rid of some things, like his jeans, some dress shirts he hardly ever wore and some work shirts (he was in construction)I've turned into dust rags (cause they were to that point....). He was a HUGE "T-shirt guy", so pretty much his closet consists of T-shirts and I won't be getting rid of any of those, I'm just going to pack them away.

I'm going to get some plastic containers and TRY to get through packing his stuff away. It's going to be very difficult for me! I just hate the thought of feeling like I just threw him out the door....I know you all understand what I mean!!

HUGS to everyone!!

Patti

[Laurie]

I know exactly what you mean Patti. There are quite a few special things I'll never get rid of either. Like you, I'll be keeping sean's favorite T-shirts. He had this one, light blue and it has a few holes in it. But he wore it all the time, it's really worn in and soft. I always said, throw that thing out, it's a rag! And he always said, NEVER! he even named it "Baby Blue." Every time I washed it, I thought about throwing it out, now I'm so glad I didn't. Laurie

[MartyT]

Did you know that there are sites online that offer to turn those T-shirts and other treasured articles of clothing into quilts or Teddy bears? This is not for everyone, but I just want to be sure you know it's an option. See, for example,

Memorial Quilts

Conforta Quilts

Campus Quilt Company

Treasured Teddy Bears: Made from A Loved One's Old Furs or Sentimental Clothing

Carrie Bears: Made from a Loved One's Clothing

[Dusky]

In the corner of my bedroom there are two pillows – two quilts – a headrest and a pair of footies. Jack died on these items and they have remained in my bedroom since they came off the bed July 31st 2005. I took them off the bed and placed them in that corner the evening that Jack died. I dust the area – I keep it clean – but they remain part of the surroundings of this room. It is the last material to touch him when he was alive - and these are the items he rested on immediately after he died.

For the time being I cannot bear to do anything else but keep these fragments that represent the moment of his death - just the way they were. They were the last pieces of this earth to touch his body and I plan on keeping these here until it feels right to move them. Eventually I will probably have them put in a plastic bag and have all the air sucked out so that they can be compressed – but I will never dispose of these items.

Perhaps some day – if I have advanced notice of my own death – I will surround myself with the same pillows and blankets where Jack rested before he vanished from my sight. I could not think of a better way to leave this earth than resting my head on the same pillows that comforted Jack. But until that day comes - these items provide me with an emotional comfort – lying in the corner of my bedroom – that is just as warming as the blanket that covered Jack in July 2005.

Set your own pace - do your own thing - and follow your own heart - and remember you can't "un-throw" something - once it’s gone - it’s gone. Keep whatever it is that’s dear to you until you really don't want it.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[kayc]

If your husband held a position that has need of some papers in his position and there are personal articles mixed in with them that necessitate going through and sorting them out and you are not ready or able to do that, do you have a close friend, a sister, someone from church, SOMEONE else you could trust to do that for you? I have my daughter but she left way too soon before I was ready and I remember having a similar situation that was one of the hardest I had to deal with...if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have done it like I did.

A guy at work had asked if he could help me in any way and since he used to sell cars and was totally suited for that in personality, plus he lived in the city and I don't so he'd have more exposure to potential buyers, I asked him if he could sell George's car for me. He was so terrific, he cleaned/detailed it, took it to town, advertised, took potential buyers for a spin in it, sold it, handled all of the paperwork, and even got a good price, only $500.00 less than what we'd paid for it...and that in spite of the fact that the air conditioning had gone out in it, the tires were now needing replaced, and it had many more miles on it. I wanted to do something special for him in return and he had a family, so I gave him George's trailer that he stayed in during the week (he worked a long ways away). George passed away in June, so in wanting my friend to be able to enjoy the trailer with his family during the summer, not wanting him to have to wait a year, I felt compelled to get the trailer cleaned out and ready for him to pick up. BIG MISTAKE! It was SO PAINFUL! I cried and cried the whole time, my daughter wasn't there to help me and I really needed that, and you could hear my anguished cries clear down the street, it was gut wrenching! If I had it to do over again, I would chuck my efficiency mode and give myself way more time, it was insane to try and do it that soon. I'd say, have someone else do it or let it wait. If they really need their papers that bad, they can come go through them and pull them out.

[spunkye]

Hi everyone,

Sorting through stuff - yikes - I've started it a couple of times and I can't get very far. There are boxes and boxes of Dick's stuff in the garage that eventually I'll have to go through - butnot now. We had just moved when he got really sick, so most of our stuff was packed. The few boxes in the house that I started to go through, my daughter had to finish for me - I couldn't do it.

I did, however, end up with a pair of his shoes - his dress shoes, in my closet and an old ratty cardigan that he loved - won't part with those!.

It will just take time and I'm sure there are things that will never leave the house.

I've had a couple of really bad weeks - so I haven't been posting much at all. I've missed everyone and I hope everyone is doing ok. Has anyone heard from Jamie?

Love, Benita