I Miss My Mommy :(

[lindsey1984]

I miss my mom! I wish I could pick up the phone and call her just to hear her voice. It's sad I've even tried it, thinking maybe she'll answer but instead all I hear is I am sorry the # u have reached is no longer in service

I hate all of this so bad! I just want to wake up from this dream that she had cancer and died. but it's a nightmare and I cant wake up. I am so mad why did my mom have to get CANCER????????? why did it have to be the worst cancer? it's not fair I need my mom!

She wasn't a bad person. Her whole life she raised me and my 2 sister's. She worked so hard and did everthing to make us happy. It bothers me because when she was 1st diagnosed she didn't tell us how bad it was. ( she was in one of the bad stages) we sold our old house and she bought a brand new townhome and bought everything new, she was so excited and got us everything we wanted (She would say only the best for my girls) but the point is she knew she wasn't going to live long and she did all of this for us!

In the end my grandfather told me that they gave her 2-3 mths to live when they 1st found out. But she did all the chemo and radiation. and was a trooper she fought so hard. The Doctors told us that she was the only patient to live 15mths with that type of cancer. It makes me so proud of her through all this she never quit. She told me we can't choose the hand we are dealt we just have to deal with it.

So I guess I am trying to deal with the hand I was dealt. Everyday I miss her more. I miss watching her put on her make-up or seeing her smile, hearing her voice. it's just all the little things. I remember she told me when I was a baby and she would put me to sleep she would constanly check on me cause it looked like I wasn't breathing and til the age of 22 (now) she would still come in my room with a flash light to see if I was ok, I would normally jump out of my skin cause she scared me ( I was sleeping) lol but I miss it and know I'll never see or hear her again

Thanks for listening to me it means alot to know someone knows how I feel or what I am going through xoxoxoxo

[Janine]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister 3 months ago and it has been tough, I can't even imagine loosing my mom. You have come to the perfect place to have someone listen to you and be with you Through your pain and sadness and even the good times that will return. Take care of yourself, come back often and know that my prayers are for you tonight.

Janine

[LoriS.]

Lindsey...One day at a time. Everyone is here for you.

Hugs to you...Lori

[lorikelly]

Lindsey

I understand i miss my mom also and it will be 8mos. your mom sounds like a wonderful women who loved both of you so much. Remenber that always. she is always with you. take one moment at a time. God Bless Lori

[jc1030]

Lindsey,

I understand missing a loved one. It's been over three months since my father died, and I realize now how much I miss him. Even with all of his shortcomings and problems he had in his later years, I wish he was still around. I wish I could just go home to visit my mom, and he would be there sitting in his study room; but then reality sets in and I have to realize again that he's gone. I sometimes ask why did life do this to me now, it's not fair. We all have learned the hard way that life isn't fair.

All I can say is I hope you will find the inner strength within you to get through this. I can't even imagine actually losing a parent at 22. It's good that you come here to write out your thoughts. As I mentioned in your other posts, find time to take care of yourself, and take things day-to-day, hour-to-hour, even minute-to minute. The grieving process is very exhausting, so do it at your own pace. Do not let anyone tell you to get over this according to anyone else's timetable.

Hang in there.

Jeff

Edited March 8, 2007 by jc1030

[Laurensftb]

I know exactly what you mean, my dad was killed when i was younger and i still feel like im going to wake up and hes going to call saying hes coming to pick my up...its soo hard i cant even say it gets better cause for me it hasnt and doesnt feel like it will...if you ever want to talk i'd love to

[BeeMay]

Hi,Lindsey,

I am so sorry for your loss and sad for you.I too did the phone thing.It's gut wrenching, but it makes it real.

It's 14 months for me and I'm exactly twice your age! I can't imagine losing mum at 22,I'm thinking of the things I was doing back then......

My daughter got her licence yesterday and she was sad not to be able to ring nan and tell her,so she rang my sister instead. I think that is part of how I coped...my sisters and my children and husband.

I still think of her everday but it's easier to think about her now. I miss her like crazy but I don't feel sick to my stomach anymore. It's a bit like breaking a bone I think..............

good luck to you,you mum sounds like a lovely lady.

I miss my mom! I wish I could pick up the phone and call her just to hear her voice. It's sad I've even tried it, thinking maybe she'll answer but instead all I hear is I am sorry the # u have reached is no longer in service

[STARKISS]

Hi Lindsey1984,

I just wanted to tell you that I am truly sorry for your loss, and I wish I could grant you a special wish to help you through this awful time... I lost my mom in April of 2005 and miss her ever so much... Just not being able to see her kills me.... I will pray for you and ask God to help you get through this grief journey you are on.... God Bless you and Take care Shelley

[linzardgirl]

Lindsey,

When I read your post, it was eerie how similar you and I are. I lost my mom in January 2007, after a short and very difficult 15 month battle with lung cancer. As I was reading, I just kept thinking how much I can relate to you. Its just coming up on 7 months in August, and this week has been a total down on the roller coaster that is grieving. I was cruising along fine, and then whamo, I get trouble concentrating, lack of motivation in my job, moodiness, irritability, and all that other fun stuff. Its worse than PMSing. I just keep missing my mom, every. single. day. It does get betterm, I know that a year from now, I can miss her but look back on good memories and happiness. I just have to get there. Thank goodness I have my sister, as I hope you may be finding out with your siblings. We can relate to each other, and also realize that we are grieving in our own ways.

Hope it goes well, keep on keepin' on.

All the best,

Lindsey

[clrw]

Hi Lindsay -

My heart absolutely aches for you... everything you have said you are feeling - is pretty much how I feel on a day to day basis! My daddy passed away in January - unlike with your mom, it was sudden... very sudden! He had been to the doctor not 10 days before (for his yearly physical) and was deemed healthy as a horse!!

I wish I had some wise words to share, and some ideas on how to heal... but I'm pretty much feeling my way through it too! I do recommend that you listen to "I want you to live" by George Canyon, it breaks my heart, and brings me to tears everytime I hear it... but somehow, I feel better. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I feel as if my dad is talking to me through the song!

I got some pretty good advice from my pastor - keep a journal... that way when I'm feeling particularly down (and I seem to be in a down period right now) I can look back and see that my down days/times are farther & fewer than before. It does help... it's nice to see progress of some sort, but I'll admit somedays I like feeling bad. Because it's as if feeling good means I don't miss dad. And I do! I still expect him to be sitting in his spot at the kitchen table drinking a coffee, or coming in the back door - when I go to visit mom... This spring was *so* hard on us all (my family farms)seeing my brothers & uncles in the field, and knowing that dad wasn't with them... it just felt so wrong & so unfair!

As you can see - I'm not very good at the whole advice thing... taking, or giving it! I do wish you all the best, and please know that there will be times that you just feel like you can't move, your heart is breaking so much, but.... it will pass. It will! And that's okay, not hurting doesn't mean you don't love your mom. In fact, I think our parent's (my dad, your mom) want nothing more than for us to go on and live a full life...

I hope I was of some help... take care!

[rosanne]

I lost my mom June 10th of PC. We fought for 8 months.... She was my life, my mom, my sister, my very best friend.... Every day is a struggle.. I have so many feelings, sometimes I feel like I could loose my mind. I am now taking care of my 74 yr. old father who is in very bad health and can hardly walk.

I stay with him at night, check on him at lunch and go straight to his house after work........... He has always been sick. Mother was never sick a day in her life other than little aches and pains.

I just don't understand..........

I need some friends.

Rosanne

re7543@yahoo.com

[AnnieO]

Rosanne,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec.06. One week after my mom died my dad went into the hospital and hasn't been home since. He is in a nursing home and very ill. I admire your strength in taking care of your dad. Make sure you take care of yourself too.I am glad you found this site, there are wonderful,caring people here, who are always willing to listen and help.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[LoriS.]

Hi Rosanne, I am very sorry about your mom. My mom passed away in October 06' and my dad passed away September 03'. It's sad.

Someone is always here to answer and read. This is a wonderful place to vent anything you are feeling.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

Rosanne,

We consider ourselves a family on this site, so you now have friends, just by posting here! I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Keep posting and vent all you want.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Rosanne,

We consider ourselves a family on this site, so you now have friends, just by posting here! I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Keep posting and vent all you want.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Thanks to all of you.

I don't know how to take care of myself anymore! I go from doing one thing to another... I am trying to take care of my dad, when I am not with him I cry-

that is like the only real time I can cry. I am trying to work and get up about 5:30 every morning and hit the floor and I run until I go to bed.

I just don't understand WHY this had to happen.

My mom was my life, the rock of our family..... the love of my life, not only a mother, a best friend, a sister I never had. We did everything together, even worked together, and it kills me to even come to work because I see her everywhere.... We could finish each others sentences! I want to have a break down..... but, I can't I want to sleep but, I can't I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can't......................

My dad can barely walk, and I have had to start doing everything for him. I love him to death, but we do not have the close relationship that my mom and I had..... Mom died June 10th- I went through everything with her from the first dr. visit to the last chemo. she died of PC.... the worst cancer anyone can ever have- never smoked- never drank took good care of herself... never really sick until a year ago- she had been through two major surgeries 24 chemos and 36 radiation treatments.... I had to plan her funeral everything!

Life is just not fair, and I do not understand..... I feel like my head is in a cloud- I can not think straight, and I don't want to do what I have to do.

I have two brothers and we all live in the same town, including my dad- they help as much as they can- but they don't do what I do- and they work 2nd shift, so it is left up to me to stay with him from the time I get off from work until he goes to bed. I will not put him in a nursing home, I have promised him that- mom died at home- he is 74 years old that would kill him.

Just pray for me ------

[shell]

Rosanne,

I feel so sorry for what you are going through and what you have been through. I took care of my dad when he got sick and then my mom. My mom died on the 7th of June (my dad in '05 and my mom was never the same, so my care for her started right after my dad died) and I feel like you do...life is just not fair. My mom and I were so close too, she was also my rock. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to care for someone you love, especially on top of grieving for your mom. I was in the same position as you are and it took a lot out of me (not that I wouldn't do it again, you know what I mean). Is there any way for you to have someone come in and help? Ask your dads doctor or your own about some kind of home care service. Hopefully his insurance should cover it. Try to sleep as much as possible (practically impossible, I know) and find some way to get a break once in awhile, at least. I truly understand the continous treadmill you're on. At this time you have to think of yourself and get all the help you can. It's been said a million times, but if you don't take care of yourself and get sick, you won't be able to help your dad. That was the thing I kept reminding myself of and finally tried to fit in a little rest for myself. I still felt guilty, but I would remind myself of that. Please try to get some help...I know how incredibly tired, sad, frustrated, etc....you are. You'll be in my thoughts.

A big hug,

Shell

[rosanne]

Thank you- Shell.. Well, you know exactly how I feel. You don't until you have been there!

Dad is in the hospital right now- bless his heart he has so much wrong with him, heart conditon- can't walk- lungs are bad, he is on oxygen almost 100%-

I will go and see him every day- this is the 2nd hospital stay he has had since mom died! Under the circumstances, I think he has done well.

Your mom passed away June of this year, if so they died just days apart?

I always thought my dad would go first- he has been sick for 20 years. Mom never sick..... I just don't understand it!

Do you have family?

I stay with my dad 6 days out of the week, and try to keep all of the balls in the air, without one falling is hard to do- I do live right across town from him, but keeping two households going, getting medicine, bills paid, cleaning... and trying to work is ALOT! My daughter (24) does help me with household chores.. she loves my dad so much, and my mom and her were like two peas in a pod! Mom's name was Rose (she was from Germany) and my name is Rosanne, and my daughter's middle name is Rose and we always called each other the 3 Roses!!! Now, there is only 2!!! Shell, I just don't know how to cope!!! Some days I think I am better, and then the tears pour and they don't stop. I feel I don't cry around dad, but when I leave him or go into another room I start. Have you even tried to do anything with your mom's personal things? I can't even go there now- everything is still the way she left it.

Thank you, so much for your letter- God Bless You!

[dvas]

Rosanne,

I'm new to this board. I was looking for a forum to help me with the grief I feel over my mother's passing, which was just 3 months ago. She had only just turned 60, was just about to retire and enjoy some traveling and spending time with her three grandchildren (my children, ages 12, 8 and 6). She had endometrial cancer diagnosed about a year ago, went through chemo and radiation and was told that she would do fine. It turns out the treatment didn't help, the cancer spread, and she had no idea until she went into the hospital, gravely ill with an infection. It was a shock to all of us.

The first message I saw on the board was "I miss my mommy!", then more recently your post in the thread. Oh, do I undertand that feeling. My heart aches for you, too. I can relate to so many of your feelings, even though I don't have a surviving parent that needs my care. That must make things incredibly difficult for you. I have a stepfather remaining and he is moving very quickly to "get over it" and date and so forth. It's very hard for me to deal with.

My mom and I, like you and yours, it sounds, were very close. I saw her or talked to her on the phone nearly every day. It's so hard going through these terrible feelings without her, because she was one person I would go to first when I was troubled with something.

I just had to write and let you know you are in my thoughts. Please take good care. You have friends and people going through similar losses.

[shell]

Rosanne,

Yes, our moms died just days apart. I have straightened up her room and organized her closet and drawers, but can't throw anything out. It's like I'm keeping her room all neat and tidy, just the way she would want it. I go in there a lot and watch tv or iron...just like I did when she was here. Since I lived with my parents and the house is now mine, it's strange. My brother lives in the house with me and it is nice to have someone around. We get along ok and have become a little closer since all this started. I think we've both grown up a lot, even though we're both in our fifties!

When my dad died, my mom seemed to get Alzheimers overnight! So I had to take care of everything from that point on. In the last three months of her life she was in the hospital three times (all fairly lengthy stays) and the running back and forth to the hospital is so rough. When my brother got off work, he would come straight to the hospital, so I finally made myself leave a half an hour or so after he got there. I knew I had to give myself that break or I was going to be in there with her! You just have to grab any little bit of time for yourself (even to just sit and stare at the wall and try to relax!) that you can. And crying is tiring but it helps...let it out, don't hold it in. I still cry every day too.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping the best for you! On the days when you feel like you can't cope, just try to float along and do the best you can. I finally had to realize that I couldn't be perfect all the time...something hard for me to admit! haha. But, seriously, it feels like it's all up to you, doesn't it? Like you have to handle everything and you're afraid you'll make the wrong decision or forget something, etc... Just try to remember that sometimes life goes the way it going to go no matter what we do. So go easy on yourself, because you are obviously doing EVERYTHING possible for your dad. Hang in there.

A big hug,

Shell

Edited August 3, 2007 by shell

[rosanne]

Thank you, for your sweet e-mails. Somehow it helps to know that you are not alone in this crazy thing called grief!@ I have never lost anyone other than my grandmother and when they are in there 90's- even though you still hurt...you feel like they lived their life, does that make sense? When you see someone younger, you don't understand.... I guess, we are really not owed an explanation! It is part of life that is the worst!! I am so sorry about you all's lose.... I don't want to just focus on me, if I can help someone else, I want to- that sounds kinda' crazy can't help yourself but, want to help someone else......

More Later,

Mom's birthday will be August 11th- how will I get through that day, just thinking of it makes me sick to my stomach- our birthdays were always special, she just made you feel special. I will I have my 50th this year- and I can't think about that, either.....When you lose your mother and you were close... YOU HAVE LOST YOUR BEST FRIEND the only one that loved you UNCONDIONALY, no matter what. She cheered me on no matter what, when I would talk to her even though nothing would be solved after we talked I felt like a load was lifted off of me!

[AnnieO]

Rosanne,

Forgive me if I am repeating myself(my memory is not the best right now)

I too lost my mom,my best friend. We did everything together and even worked together years ago. We had so much fun together and took on projects we had no idea how to do, but always got it done with lots of laughter! My mom died Dec.7 2006. Dec. 13th, my dad went into the hospital and has never been home. He is now in a nursing home. We sold their home yesterday. My brother lives out of state, so for over 2 1/2 years all of this has been my responsibility.When I read your posts I feel like I understand your sadness and exhaustion at taking care of your dad and everything else. Someone said, you have to take care of yourself or you will get sick and then won't be able to help your dad. They are right. You cannot do it all.You are doing so much, you need help. I remember someone telling me it was okay to give myself permission not to be at the nursing/hospital with my mom , every minute. It was so hard, but my own health was suffering. Please know you are in my thoughts. Ask for help and take care of yourself.

[lorikelly]

Rosann

We are all here for you. i lost my mine in july of 06. it was horrible and somedays it is still horrible. other days i do ok, i miss her but am functioning much better then i was. the days that are real bad , i just tell myself its ok to feel that way and let the emotions come. some days i still bargan with God, i still beg for her to come back. then i cry and i let it out. for me crying is a release. take one day at a time. we are listening. lori

[shell]

Rosanne,

I feel like we have so much in common. My birthday is coming up and my moms would have been next month. We always made them really special days too. I have to say that my brother has been really supportive and asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday and that he wanted to take me to dinner. At first I said I just wanted to ignore it, but he said no, it would be the first one without mom and that he was going to take the day off and we were going to do something special. He works for an Air Force newspaper and knows the canine unit (both the trainers and the dogs!) really well, so I said I wanted to go meet the dogs. So he set it up and I'm really excited about it. If it weren't for him doing this, I would probably just curl up for the day and cry. As far as my moms birthday, I will probably let a balloon loose like so many of the others on this site have done. I've done it before and it does make you feel like you are connecting with them somehow. I hope your birthday turns into a good day for you. And maybe you can do the balloon thing for your mom. Holidays or special days are just hard! I guess we just have to try to make them as good as we can.

A big hug,

Shell

[DawnG]

Hello, I miss my mommy too. She died on June 18th and I know exactly how you feel, today is not a good day for me.

I was going to post something similar to this post but when I read yours I felt the same way. It's a pain that is so deep and so lonely and it's really hard get rid of it.

Go ahead and post all you want, this forum has helped me so much and I've only belonged for two days.

Take care of yourself

Dawn