I Feel Pathetic

[chrissy777]

I have been living alone as a widow for almost 8 months. You would think I would be getting stronger. I cant even dig my car out of snow. I cry when I cant figure out how to change a light bulb. I feel as though I am nothing without Jason. He was so smart and had so much to give the world. Today I am feeling like a pathetic loser. I guess it is one of those days. Somedays I dont know what I am good for anymore. I was doing ok and then bam I feel like I am taking 10 steps back instead of forward. I dont know if it has something to do with valentines day or what. I try to talk to people around me but as so many times before no one understands. I am the only person in my group of family and freinds who is alone let alone a widow. The lonliness seems like too much somedays and I guess this is one of those days. Thank you all for listening to me vent. I hope things get easier soon.

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

Even though you may feel like it you are not a pathic loser, if you get anything from this post let it be that. I think a lot of it has to do with Valentines day, I have been feeling down myself today. We arer still so new and remember there are still going to be days like what you are having, just remember that one, it won't last and two, the time inbetween the bad days will grow longer and longer. You are doing a great job raising your son, you are having to do that on your own and that makes you a strong person. My son is 7, so I cannot even begin to know what it is like rasing an infant by your self but I can guess that it is difficult. You will pull through this, just keep your eyes on God and he will help you through. I will be praying for you.

Love Always

Derek

[missingcharlie]

Chrissy - I think you're in that time period where things seem worse. I think they say somewhere between 6-9 months.... Basically I think it's because you are NOW in the reality of things; you know for sure that he isn't coming back. I'm on 2 years and I STILL hate that thought. Some things have become easier and other times I'm not so sure. Like....yesterday. I started my day off by reading a Valentine's card that my husband had given me some years ago. Fortunately, I have kept some of the cards....I have a Christmas one, a birthday one, an anniversary one and a Valentine one and when each one of those holidays comes around I get out my card and read it and CRY!!!!!!!!! I boo-hoo'd bigtime yesterday.

As far as fixing things - I remember getting frustrated and crying, at first, but now I'm just so dang proud of myself, when I do something on my own, and I know that Charlie is too. He always thought I was such a strong person and I'm trying to make him proud of me.

I KNOW Jason is proud of you!! After all, you are taking care of yourself and HIS son ALL BY YOURSELF!! That is HUGE, Chrissy! You need to give yourself more credit - chin up....you can do this! We are here for you, supporting you. You WILL get through this! Promise.

I am sending you the biggest hug I could muster up!

<<<<<HUG>>>>>>

You are doing great!! We're here for you.

Patti

[kayc]

Chrissy,

We all feel like that at times, but you are NOT a pathetic loser, you are a survivor! The list of things that are difficult for us without our husband (or husband without their wife)is so long...together we could do anything, alone...it's hard. Part of it is the natural law of synergy, it is MORE than twice as easy for two to do something together than for two alone. I can't chop wood and it hurts my carpal tunnel to stack it. I can't fix my patio steps or move the refrigerator to clean behind it. I don't know how to change the oil or work on the car. I can't carry heavy things. Yes, shoveling snow is hard. So many things are. But you're trying, the best you know how, and you have to hand yourself some credit for that. Think of all you have survived and gone through that you never would have thought possible, yet you've done it. Jason is proud of you Chrissy, and you should be too. And yes, like it was said before, part of it is the melancholy of surviving Valentine's Day alone, and part of it is the time frame of reality setting in. But make no mistake about it, you are a great person.

[lorikelly]

Chrissy

You are a strong women!!! You are not a loser, you are just having a hard time. that is normal and expected. You are important to alot of people and you have alot to accomplish here still. i will be praying for you. Lori

[LarrysGirl]

Chrissy, just the fact that you grieving and taking care of your child tells me you are strong!! There are days that we all go thru when we get frustrated, tired, lonely, and sad. Its going to be okay, just hang in there, not easy to do, but you are going to be okay. Deborah

[missing rick]

Dear Chrissy

I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling - mine will be 8 months on the 18 - I can't believe that 8 months has passed, sometimes it feels like time has stood still and I'm back in June, but sometimes it feels like it's been 18 years on my own. I have had to do a lot of new things also, things that Rick always did - I feel stupid to admit it but I had to call the furnace repair guy and it was just because I didn't know I had to clean the filter. He was really nice and explained how and when to do it and gave me an extra filter but I felt so dumb,,,,sometimes I think my kids don't give me enough credit for what I can do on my own. I feel they think they have to babysit me and I hate that. My case is different because my kids are grown and do not live with me, but this is the first time in my life I have had to live alone. I have a nice neighbour (78 yrs old), who shovels snow and likes to cut my grass. Marty also told me that this period of time is when it really begins to sink in that they are not coming back. Our brains knew that but not our hearts. When you feel dicouraged just look at all you have been able to do on your own. I believe that we are stronger in so many ways than we know. My mom always told me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle,and another thing she always said when I was having a bad time was"this too shall pass". I believe that as time passes and we realise just what we can accomplish on our own we will begin to know just how strong we really are. My love to you Jane

[chrissy777]

Thank you all for your kindness

I always know I can come on here and hear just what I need to hear. When I wrote I was hitting the bottom on this rollercoaster ride again. I cant wait until the day comes where I can get off of it. I realize Jason had wonderful qualities and I do too. Thank you all for helping me realize that.

Love Chrissy

[LoriS.]

Chrissy, I'm glad you are feeling better. I guess this is a rollercoaster ride that we are just destined to take! Hopefully the ups will soon outweigh the downs!

Take care...Lori

[gabrielle_land]

Hello Chrissy

Im very glad you are feeling better, you are a great woman, and a strong one, today I was having dinner as I heard a lady that said "Difficult tests in life just happen to strong people" I think she was right in some way, and I remember that just now that I read your post. You are strong Chrissy and a huge example. I agree in that Jason would be so proud of you, and he could have never chosen a best mom for his son than he did. Take care sweetie, Have a nice weekend.

Gaby

[Brooke]

Chrissy you are NOT pathetic!!!!! YOu are amazing just as so many people on this site are. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and I know all to well the challenges and the strength required to grieve and raise an infant or child of any age alone. I know what you mean about the shoveling thing, the other day I couldn't get the hood of my truck open so I could add washer fluid, I called a couple people to ask for help or advice and they laughed it off, needless to say I had a good cry and kicked the tires a few times, my roomate said he would do it, but he never did, but I went back at it this morning and low and behold it opened!!! It's crazy how little things like that now seem like such an accomplishment just because I did it by myself. (I could do it before in my car, but since I don't have it anymore I am driving Trevor truck, and have never done it before) WEll if I can say one thing that I have learned it's find strength in the little things and happiness in your little boys smiles. Take care.

Brooke

[ellejaye]

Chrissy, I hope you are doing better today. I know I am new here, but your post really hit home with me. I live near Pittsburgh, and we were hammered with about a foot of snow for Valentine's Day in that bad storm that passed through PA. I went out to find that not only had the township maintenance guys plowed all of the snow into my front yard and over my sidewalk, they blocked in my vehicle and mailbox as well with about 3 feet of snow. I was so mad and sad and frustrated about it that I just sat in a big pile of the snow along the road and cried. I was upset that I would be shoveling INSTEAD of getting a Valentine this year, I was mad that I had to do it by myself, and I was upset that Jan would have totally come up with a better, easier, funny way to get all of that dumb snow out of there -- he would have jumped right in to help and NEVER would have left me to do it alone. He was so corny, just like McGyver and would have come up with some loony way of helping and made it FUN. When I thought of that it made me sad, because I just wanted to know how HE would have handled it. I felt really weak and pathetic too, because I was really mad at myself for the fact that I just sat right out on the street and bawled for all of my neighbors to see. UGH. I hate times like that. I think that it didn't really help that I saw the florist making 2 flower deliveries on my street, and neither one was for me. I am sorry you had a yucky day. I just hope you are doing better now and have found a little cheer. HUGS!!!

[chrissy777]

Thank you all again for thinking of me,

ellejaye I was out there crying too. It helps me sooo much to know others can relate to me. I feel bad for all of us that have to go through this horrible thing. I thought I was getting stronger and today I feel like I am but that day I felt "pathetic". I guess we have to cry and figure things out for ourselves before we can truely grow into who we will be. Take care everyone hugs and love to all.

[Hanan]

Hi Chrissy777

I might be late in replying, but this is my first day as a member. Oh how I feel with you. I lost my husband Bill almost two years ago and I felt ecactly like you so many times. I found that my best therapy is to get myself out of the hole. I found getting busy was the best therapy. After he left me I was busy renovating our home which he asked me to do in order to sell it and move to an apartment - he did not want me to do all the tough work in a house. After that I enrolled in a school and was busy taking a "spa management" course. I was the eldest student in the school but I did not feel it, and now I am looking for a job. This will keep me going I think. I try to meditate sometimes which helps. also praying is so soothing to the soul. BUT, the feeling of loss will never go away I think. I hope you feel better now. God bless you.