Heart Aches

[Gail_R]

Well it's another day. This morning I took Bruce's car in for an oil change and the day has gone down hill ever since. I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. Yes I say gone as it is easlier to say then that he is dead. I word dead means that he will never be comeing back and yes I know that in my heart will will never be coming back but sometimes I just wish that I would wake=up and the long 6 1/2 almost 7 months have all been a bad dream and he will be there with his arms around me giving he a big kiss. I ask myself every day what the hell did we do that so wrong that god would take this man away form me. I miss him so much my heart fills like it is breaking sometimes is hurt to breath. I try so hard to be strong for our kids because they have lost their dad too. Kids well I guess that they are not kids but adults our oldest son is 29 youngest son 27 and our daughter is 24. Bruce and I farmed with our 2 boys . With him gone it is me and boys and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm not things right. I'm scared all the time. Why god why. Sometimes I wish that I could just die too. I don't think that I can do this anymore. We had so many plans and now i'm not sure what I am suppose to do. Is this how I am suppose to feel.I'n sad all the time and all I do is cry.

Gail

[karenb]

I know it's just plain tough to go on but you know you have to. I'm sure you know that it's not been a very long time and all these feelings are something just to get through a little at a time. It is wonderful you have a family to help you through and I'm sure you help them as well. It really is scary to be without your husband, I feel that way, too. If something needs fixing I'm the only one around to do it and maybe I do it right and maybe I do it wrong. This new "normal" is just trial and error. My husband has been gone for two years now and I still go through feelings and I think I always will. When you love someone so much it just doesn't end when they pass on. If you feel uncomfortable with the sadness and crying, maybe a visit to your doctor might help. It's different for everyone and you just have to feel your way around. Venting your feelings with people here does help. We're all going through what you are and really do understand. You take care and visit here to let us know how you are. I know you're a good person and good things will happen for you, maybe now but I know down the road. Hang in there, Gail. You'll be fine.

Karen

[Gail_R]

Thank You Karen, It does help to have people that understand what I'm going through. I guess one has to have been throught to understand has family and friend try but if they are not us they just know. I thank you again for being there for me.

Gail

[LarrysGirl]

Gail, I know you are hurting and sad. It doesn't seem possible, I know. I asked God "why" over and over again. Larry was waiting for a transplant to save his life and he held on way longer than he should have had to. But he died never receiving one. I don't think I will ever come to terms with what has happened. I haven't wanted to live and still question why am I here. I do understand. It is hard and I can't tell you when it will get easier, because for me its still devastating. But you can find hope in posts other have written and have found their way and have been able to survive. Deborah

[Gail_R]

Deborah thank you for answering my post. I know that I am not doing this by myself but it is still very hard. This hurt is still new and there are day's that is does not seem real. I do find comfort in coming here and posting.So thank you again.

Gail

[dpodesta]

Gail,

There is nothing that you or Bruce did wrong to cause this. You have probably read or heard this before, but God knows when each of us will die. I firmly believe that it is already written down in the books and there is nothing good or bad that we can do to stop it. Now what the reason is for it, we may never know. I know it is difficult, you are coming out of the shock phase of things right now and it does make you wonder how you can go on. We all go on, one day at a time. Everyone of us here on this site is a strong person, it doesn't matter if they have been here for years or for one day. The fat of the matter is that we have come here and shared our thoughts and feelings which mean we have the strength to want to get better. If we didn't want to get better we wouldn't have taken the time to come to this site. You will get throught this, just remember that you didn't cause this and that God is carrying you through this.

Love always

Derek

[rosanne]

Gail,

Oh, how I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

My mom (my best friend in the world) passed away June 10th of this year.

I feel like I am in a black hole most of the time.

All I can tell you- is life goes on... I did not think it would but the sun comes up and goes down and the birds sing and the wind blows. The only thing I can tell you is you like me have a different life, now- not normal but different- and the only way I can do this is one step at a time. I cry if I want.... Some days are worse than others. Another thing that I hold on to- my mom took on the weight of our whole family, tried to fix everybody's problems and worried a lot- everytime there is a problem, or an issue I say to myself Mom, thank God you do not have to go through this ----! You are at peace and if anyone deserved it, my precious angel did! Death is part of life, we just do not think about it! We go through life and then BAMB! it hits... There is nothing you can do about it- You can not go over it- You can not go under it- You have to go through it! One day we will all meet again, I do know this in my heart, but sometimes that does not give much comfort when you are hurting so much. I know you probably also get tired of trying to be strong, I know I do!! You have precious children, do you have grandchildren? Throw yourself into them as much as you can- and try to help someone else- you will not know how much that will in turn help you.

God Bless You!

[missingcharlie]

Yes, Gail, I would say that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" -whatever that means when you are grieving... There are stages that you go through in grieving and it sounds like you're in the "angry" stage - wondering why God could have taken this precious man away from you and what the two of you did to deserve this. You have to remember that you didn't do anything. It's not a vindictive thing - God just needed him back with him for a special reason. None of us will ever know what that reason is. I definately recall those feelings and sometimes I still have them - it will be 3 years in November. Being by myself has become the "norm" - I don't like it, but I've gotten used to it. I'm trying to make my own life at this point and you WILL get to that point, but it's going to be a long journey. Cling to your children! They need you as much as you need them - they too are suffering the loss.

Please continue to come here and post anything you want. We are ALL here to listen. Are you getting any professional help? Any support groups? Do some reading of the books that Dusky (one of the people that posts here) has suggested. Look back in some of the newer topics, within the last couple of weeks, and you will find a list of books he has read and suggests. They just might help.

My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you hugs!!

Patti

[MartyT]

Gail, see also John's Book List . . .

[kayc]

Gail,

The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust...that tells me stuff just happens, it's not our fault that it does. Yes you should feel like this, it is normal for this length of time, and even way down the road you will occasionally feel like this, we all do. As Karen said, sometimes we do things right and sometimes we don't, but we're trying and that's what counts. When, at times, you do something right that you hadn't tried before or didn't know you could do, it feels really good and you know your spouse would be proud of you. It IS scary, we all feel like that. I have been told that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the facing our fears head on, in the midst of them. That is so true. All of us here are survivors, whether we wanted to be or not and we all share the commonality of bravery. You keep on posting your feelings and we'll keep on listening. You will make it, you'll see.

[jess22]

HI Gail

I do understand the pain you are going through and like other members have already mentioned it is normal to feel that way. Dont be hard on yourself, allow yorself to cry, I find that crying helps to release the emotional pain I am experiencing.I also do still cry myself to sleep everyday and feel like ending it all but I know how painful loosing a loved one is and would not like my family and friends to go through this awful experince.I lost my partner March 07, he was my rock and everyday is a battle to carry on, but you have to try put one foot in front of the other in your own pace. Some days I feel like curling up in bed and not go out to work and I just do that.Grieving is a process and just take every day as it comes and at times every hour at a time.

I find counselling and keeping a diary does help and visiting this forum is fantastic for support.

Everyone here understands your pain and willing to offer support anytime.

Best wishes, and hang in there.

Jessica

[walter/Erica]

Gail

Your circumsatnces and feelings are very similar to mine. I am also in my 7th month since I lost Walter, my darling husband. ( married x 25yrs) I have two children a son and daughter ages 25 and 19. I too feel that this is a bd dream and I will wake up soon, Miss him like crazy and am so scared of a future without him. We dreamt about retirement and graduation( one to go) and grandkids and weddings.... Now I have to do this all alone. I also have often felt that I would join him in heaven if I could. I really am just clinging to my God to literally pull me through this traumatic experience.

[Stallyn]

Gail,

I understand also, I felt guilty, shame, anger often regularly, I still ask God why. I was married 8 wonderful years, and thought of growing old together was my deepest desire, well its been almost 6 months in 1.5 weeks and reeling from the shock still, I have found many encouraging posts from some of you here and God sure does not give us more than we can endure.

Blessings,

William