I Hate This Life

[suzanne]

Just needed to vent a little. I hate this life. It's just pure agony in its rawest form. I miss my husband, my life, my partner, my best friend, my everthing. Just one of those bad nights. This is just not living. I am taking a lot of steps backwards right now. I know that is normal but it hurts like a living hell. My little ray of hope has dimmed to hopelessness. Just a kind word I guess is what I need. I know each of you has has had these same moments. Surely my heart should have broken enough by now to get me back to Will. Why I am stll breathing? Maybe tomorrow will be better, but not tonight.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanna....I pray when I answer posts that they would be the right words. I don't know how long Will has been gone but it'll probably be a long time before you start emerging as the person you used to know. It's so hard to love someone so much and...boom...they're gone. I do know, for my life, that the thought really came to me when I felt so badly, that I'm here just because I wasn't ready to go and he was...and that God has some future plans for me....and he's continually showing me ways to get there. This has only come recently and it's such a "real" feeling to me. I just thank Him every morning for the wonderful things that are going to be coming my way. I know things will level off for you, given the time it takes for you (different for everyone) but I feel we still will have the "melt downs" whenever they're triggered. Hang in there, my friend, you will be fine.

Your friend...Karen

[WendyJ]

Suzanne,

I know exactly how you feel, this sucks ! Almost every night still when I drive home from work reality kicks in and I realize I am again going home to an empty house. Notice I said house because it no longer feels like a home to me. A home only exists when there is family and love to fill it. Since I was 15 my Steve was my world, my other half my reason for living and now he is gone. Gosh Suzanne I wish we lived near eachother as I would love to sit together and talk over a cup of coffee and a piece of pie and tell eachother about our husbands and have a good cry together. I feel so sad and lonely tonight. I think being with my mother in the hospital and all the running around was a deversion for me and now reality has set in again. I feel so sad !

Love,

Wendy

[suzanne]

Thank you Karen

It was seven months last Tuesday. I know several of us have had seven months recently. I know God has a plan but it just doesn't make it hurt any less at the moment. Maybe God wants me to hurt. I am trying to make some sense of it. Sometimes the person I see now I don't even like.

Suzanne

Wendy

You hit it on the mark. It's not a home anymore. I don't know if I will ever feel like there is a home again. It's a house with walls. All of the love was sucked out of it the night the ambulance carried Will out of here.

Suzanne

[karenb]

Suzanne....I really believe that everything that has happened hasn't be done to make you hurt...I honestly believe that. And as far as making sense of it.....I don't know if we're capable of doing that, either. It's just what it is! These pains and awful feelings come and go and, I'm sure, will for some time to come. I just pray that your burden lessens....you sound like just a sweet person. So, hang in there, my friend.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

I whole heartedly agree, the morning they took Steve away in the ambulance is when my home became a house also. I keep trying to decorate the way I always had with new country decorations and moving things around and there is nobody to appreciate any of it or say " Oh that looks nice". I believe that love makes a house a home, and my love is gone.

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Suzzane,

You are at that point where you go backwards for a bit and it hurts like Hell. It is one of those times where it seems like you are at the begining. I promise you it will get better.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Suzanne,

What you said, "Surely my heart should have broken enough by now to get me back to Will" hit me...it's as if you're saying, "Okay, I've hurt enough now, you can give me Will back any time now"...but that doesn't happen. I know that we've all been there at some point, and it is part of the process of realizing that this isn't temporary and a point along the way of adjusting to this new life that we're left to create. Right now it doesn't feel like a home, but eventually it may...my home seems very much a home to me, and yet I went through all of the same emotions you did and felt the same way. It IS hard, and it DOES take time. When someone is everything in the world to us, it is very hard to adjust to "life without". I am sorry you are going through this, I wish I could take it away from you and circumvent this whole grief passage, but all I can do is helplessly stand by and say, I'm sorry.

[suzanne]

KayC

You are so right. In my mind this was temporary I guess. Reality has set in so hard these last days. I have not been able to post much because I am so much a downer. I am so numb I can't even cry any more. I have prayed, maybe God wants me to learn something from this hell on earth. Yet, I am so thankful for the love Will and I shared for each other for so many years. But the agony is almost too difficult. Thanks for each of you who has been there for me as well as all of this family. God bless and I pray for each of us on this long, black, journey.

Suzanne

[DesertBob]

Suzanne,

My Linda, who was well acquainted with suffering, used to bristle at people who would suggest that suffering is ennobling and sent for your own good. It implies it's all your fault somehow. It's an easy and often cruel rationalization by people whose life happens to be going well at the moment.

If God wanted you to learn something, there are lots of ways to do it besides this. Especially since it's his ball game, with him holding the cards. So I wouldn't look at this as God's Little Wake-up Call . I'm sure you aren't in the habit of maiming your children to teach them lessons so I feel confident that God into that isn't either.

That said, given that you *are* in a dark night of the soul, you can make the best of the process, and *can* gain a lot of strength and personal growth from it. There is no sense in making a bad situation worse by denying whatever gifts it might have to bestow on you.

I read someplace today that one crucial step in your healing is that you have to decide to live. That's where I'm at right now ... deciding to go forward in a hopeful way, even though I never feel like it and often feel very much unlike it. And going through those motions does make it easier in some bizarre fashion. They say that feelings follow actions. I hope it works for this too, slow going as it may be.

Hang in there Suzanne!

--Bob

KayC

I have prayed, maybe God wants me to learn something from this hell on earth. Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Suzanne,

I too think that maybe as much as I try not to think about it, I have myself convinced that this is temporary also. I wonder if keeping all his clothes and tools and hobbies etc. exactly the way they were left is the reason. It is almost like I am leaving everything that way for when he returns home again. I have contacted someone with the help of Marty's links who is going to make 3 bears for me and a quilt out of his clothing and as anxious as I am to send her the clothing I know she will cut them up to make eveything and when I recieve these beautiful remembrances it will make everything more final. I want to give each of my daughters a bear for Christmas so I need to do this soon and wonder if in the long run it will help to show me this is final and he is not coming back. I can't explain it it is like I know he can't come back yet I have myself fooled by leaving his things to seem like he is coming back. Does this sound familiar to anyone or am I just crazy here?

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy I too feel the same Bruce is gone 9 months today. And I have yet to get reed of his clothes. I take them out of the dresser and but them on the bed and try as I may I cann't seem to let go of them so I put them back in the dresser and have a big cry. I have done this about 4 times now. I like you I think when will this get easier. life as we know it is know longer the same and will never be. Gail

[lyn]

"..one crucial step in your healing is that you have to decide to live. That's where I'm at right now ... deciding to go forward in a hopeful way, even though I never feel like it and often feel very much unlike it."

How do u decide to live, when all the reasons for living were taken away from u? I feel we dont have a choice but to get on with each day. I wake up each morning with a very heavy heart, always wondering, why am i still breathing, why am i still alive? it takes all my willpower to encourage myself to face the day, and most of the time, all i can pray is "God pls help me get through this day..". I have to repeat to myself over and over again that i have survived yesterday, i know i can do it again today.

I hope i will have the energy to live life again. all i feel right now is deep sadness..i dread the coming of this weekend..all the memories keep coming back, all im praying is for me to be numb again..to feel numbness just for this weekend. this is really terrible...

thanks for listening, i hope this will pass too..

[WendyJ]

Gail,

I think maybe it would help if you do what I am going to do which is to have someone make a small quilt out of some shirts and jeans and tee shirts etc. This way you know you will get his special clothes back but in a memorable form and the things that don't mean as much maybe you could give to good will and it won't bother you as much. I am not saying this from experience though, I have to do this yet myself and soon so I will let you know how it goes and how hard it is. I just pray that nothing happens to the box after I ship it and it arrives to the woman safely, could you imagine, I would just die !

Love,

Wendy

Lyn,

I totally agree with you, how do you go on living when the most important person in your life was ripped away from you ? I know I almost lost my mother also just a few weeks ago and some people in this group have lost more than one person in a short amount of time. I have heard some people say God doesn't give you more than you can handle...bull crap. Who can not be shot down any lower than losong 2 people in a short amount of time, no loving God in my eyes would do that to someone and decide if they could handle it or not. I think it is that maybe God has no say in what happens to us but tries to help us through it as much as he can. All I know is just getting through one day at a time and I no longer worry so much about my future as there are no guarantees that anything will go as planned as we have all painfully found out. I understand about what you said about waking up with a heavy heart, I myself am usually running around like a chicken without a head ( gruesome thought...chicken without a head...ewwww) to get ready for work so for me it is worse on coming home again at night and when I go to bed as by then things have calmed down and I have more time to think. I hope this will all pass for all of us too, is there anything sadder in life than what we are all going through, I don't think so.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

I want to state that while we learn and grow through all of our experiences, even when they are bad and unwanted, it is in no way our fault that these things happen to us. Some people go through the "Dark Night of the Soul" and others seem not to...we might rail at God and demand why that is, yet the truth is, He is there with us even when He seems to have absented Himself from us. It is through those times that my faith has grown, and I cannot explain why that is except that I am no longer going by what I can see and understand, but by faith. This dark black journey is one of the hardest things we have to go through, yet we can emerge with some degree of happiness and purpose, all in due time. Look at Karen if you doubt this! She seems to me to be a positive, wise, uplifting person, full of spirit and life! Yet she too has gone through this as we all have. Yes, choosing to live is a turning point, an immeasurable step towards our healing, yet we must also remember that it is three steps forward, two steps backward in which we progress through this journey and not be surprised unduly at those down times that assail us. We are still progressing, even when it doesn't seem like it.

[AnnC]

My mom was telling me a month or so ago that she started packing up my dad's clothes, but could only get through part of them, and had to rest all afternoon. But you know, it had been only 9 months since my dad passed away! Nine months is not really very long, especially since they were married for 56 years!

People need to be gentle with themselves when going through all this pain and loss. Don't beat yourself up because you think you "should" be packing clothes away after a few months or you "shouldn't" be feeling so bad. I was told by my grief counselor to do nothing major for at least a year. After 3 1/2 years, I have let go of some things, but I still keep others. Some things I will always keep as mementos. And I still cry and feel miserable -- but not as often as in the first two years.

About packing things away, I'll say what I say to my mother: Take it easy. You'll know when you are ready. And it doesn't matter how long it takes. There are no Grief Police to see if you are measuring up! (though some friends and family can SEEM like the Grief Police! )

I don't believe we are "sent" these difficult experiences as some kind of test or lesson. Grief and loss are part of the human condition. I think we do learn compassion for others when we feel all this pain.

Ann

[kayc]

I have to add a hearty amen to everything Ann said! I remember cleaning out George's trailer a month or so after he died and it like to have killed me! It was way too soon, I should have just let it sit there. And I did it alone, I should have waited until my daughter or someone could have been there to help me.

[lyn]

I do believe that God is with us through all our sufferings. Whether we get angry with him, or we blame him, He is always there, He listens to us and carries us through our sufferings. Death and pain are part of life, as well as birth and joy.

Today, i affirm to myself that i will never allow sufferings defeat me. I will grow from it..i will learn from it..I will allow myself to see the beauty of life again. I know it will be very hard, but i will try my best to start living my life..to live it well in honor of the man i love so much.

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

That is the attitude to take to get you out of the problem and into the solution that will get you to living again. It will be tough, but in the end it is worth it.

Love always

Derek

[Stallyn]

Suzanne,

You posted something I was feeling exactly to the "T" man it does suck 24/7 and 24/7 it is with the memories and nothing more, too many bumps in the road and can't feel the jolts anymore, rings a bell? Always a endless pursuit of the lost happiness that seems to run far from us, I finding out the 7 month mark is just as painful in some aspects to 3 months. I been slowly ridding of more remnants of my life with Myrna and man, does it ever run out of things to get rid of?

[kayc]

Lyn,

Good for you! You might want to print that out and post it somewhere visible to affirm to yourself every day. Some days it will be tough but just seeing that affirmation as a reminder of your determination will help you to focus and maintain a positive attitude!

[lyn]

Thanks Kayc, it is really hard, but i am trying. Our mind is very powerful, i think if we think positively, we will also attract positive forces. yes, easier said than done..but we should at least try. There is no one who can help us but ourselves. I woke up one morning and realized that i can choose whether i should continue wallowing in self pity and be consumed by my grief or i can choose to learn from this pain, to grow from it, to see it as a nourishment for my soul, to show compassion to others, and to inspire them. I chose the latter.

I tell myself that right now, i am in the lowest moment of my life so there's no way for me to go but up. i believe that life and the universe itself has its way of maintaning homeostasis. we can never stay down forever.

It is a real hard journey, i may stumble but with God's help, i will be able to lift myself up again.

Have a blessed day to all.

[karenb]

Lyn,

It's wonderful to find these things within ourselves. Living with what's been given to us is so difficult but much easier when we realize what we have inside us to help us out. I pray that you'll continue that upward climb. Good for youi!

Your friend, Karen

[DesertBob]

Lyn,

I agree with most of what you say but am moved to remark on the current extreme version of what you are saying, as exemplified by "The Secret" and other films / books connected with the so-called Law of Attraction (LOA).

I see way too many instances in my life, my late wife's life, and the lives of others, where hideous things happen that aren't expected -- not even in the negative sense of being feared or actively unwanted. Most of what my wife went through was beyond belief and would never have entered our minds before it was thrust upon us.

In addition, a number of very good things have happened to me that I either did not expect, or was actively pessimistic about the odds of it coming to pass.

If LOA were true, no one would ever be surprised by either good or evil and we'd all be wallowing in prosperity of every kind because, let's face it, that's what any sane person wants.

The fundamental problem with LOA and its variants is that it allows people whose life happens to be going okay at the moment to rationalize the suffering of others on the basis that it's their own darned fault. It removes compassion and empathy and humility from the world and attempts to turn the universe into a candy machine where if you will just operate the correct levers, things will go your way.

It also can tempt good hearted people going through bad times, to blame themselves (far beyond what might, perhaps, happen to be appropriate). It's just another variation on religion telling you you don't have enough faith, or clean enough thoughts, or good enough motives. It robs you of the right to simply be human without shame.

This is not to deny that our minds / attitudes have a huge influence over our life by opening or closing us to the possibilities of life. The mind can create opportunities, in that sense. I just don't believe it creates or destroys reality in the sense that the LOA folks mean it.

I know not everyone will agree with me on this, and that's okay -- different strokes for different folks. For my part, like Lyn,I'm choosing a positive life contrary to my feelings about it. My purpose is not to change reality, but my perception of it. This may seem like splitting hairs but I think it's an important distinction. We are not tin-pot gods building a "me-centered" universe around us. We are simply adapting (effectively or not) to the universe that we find ourselves in.

Some LOA people would say this is an evasion of personal responsibility. But in my experience, only sociopaths feel no responsibility; most everyone else seems to be suffering with guilt and trying hard to "get it right". I am not interested in taking responsibility for how my world works or doesn't work ... only for my response to that world.

--Bob

Thanks Kayc, it is really hard, but i am trying. Our mind is very powerful, i think if we think positively, we will also attract positive forces. yes, easier said than done..but we should at least try. There is no one who can help us but ourselves. I woke up one morning and realized that i can choose whether i should continue wallowing in self pity and be consumed by my grief or i can choose to learn from this pain, to grow from it, to see it as a nourishment for my soul, to show compassion to others, and to inspire them. I chose the latter.

I tell myself that right now, i am in the lowest moment of my life so there's no way for me to go but up. i believe that life and the universe itself has its way of maintaning homeostasis. we can never stay down forever.

It is a real hard journey, i may stumble but with God's help, i will be able to lift myself up again.

Have a blessed day to all.

[MartyT]

Bob, I so appreciate your careful, reasoned approach to matters discussed here, as well as your ability to express yourself so clearly. Your post brings to mind an earlier thread dealing with this topic:

The Secret