Missing Him So Much

[Gail_R]

Hi everyone..wake-up this morning well very down. There is not one thing that I can put my finger on as to way I feel like this today. But th tears and the sad feeling are so unbelieve today. Was sitting in my livingroom looking at our wedding album and the tears just started to come...oh how I miss Bruce so much it hurt to breath. I keep asking myself why did this have to happen to us. I know that it has been a little over 13 months since his death but today it feels like it was yesterday why is this??? I feel so sad and lonely without him. There are day's that I'm not sure it is that I am to do this the rest of my life...if this is that my life will be like I'm not sure that I wann't to be here. I thought that I was doing well these last few months but then I have a day like today and I feel like I'm back at sqaure one...is this what it is going to be like...day's that you feel like you could just curl up and die because that is what it feel like today. Sorry for being such a downer today I guess that we all have day's like this. Thanks to everyone for your help and support this last year not sure where I would be without each and everyone of you..... Gail

[dpodesta]

Gail,

We are going to take steps backwards at times it is just part of the process. However I am sure if you look back the steps backwards are becoming less frequent. You asked if this is what life is going to be like from now on. All I can tell you is for me it has gotten a lot better even with the 2 year mark being 1 month 2 days away. All I can say is try not to focus on the future, there is just no way of knowing how things will go, just focus on today.

love always

Derek

[kayc]

Gail,

I wish I could just give you a big hug!!!

I saw a title to a book once (it was on child rearing) that was called three steps forward, two steps backward. That stuck with me because that's kind of how life is sometimes. But if you look at it another way, you're still one step forward! We all have setbacks, down times, but then there's other days where we're doing better, it's to be expected. I'm nearly three years out now and I hardly ever cry any more, but I still miss him and there's some things I can't bear to do, and one is look at pictures, read his notes to me, etc., it's still just too painful...I'm not sure I'll ever reach the point where I can look at them and be okay. For now I accept that and just concentrate on getting through the day and other things in my life. I try not to dwell too much on what I'm missing, what I lost, what I miss, if I did, it'd drown me. You'll feel better, as Derek said, one day at a time!

Love,

KayC

[mfarah]

Gail,

I know exactly what you mean I have those days too where I just want to curl up and die just to be close to my husband again. There is nothing in particular that can cause us to have an emotional break down for me somedays I just wake up in the morning and cry and cry then there are other days I just climb out of bed and think I am going to make it okay today. That is griefing though its a rollercoaster one minute you go up and feel somewhat okay then you fall back down sometimes you even go side to side not knowing where you are going next. Just know that you have made it 13 months and you will never go all the way down the rollercoaster again because you climbed that big bump and made it through the first year. I have only been on this rollercoaster for 3 months and as much as I would love to get off or even ride with my husband I know its not possible so I just have to accept this bumpy ride alone and believe somehow life will get easier. Gail, I commend you on getting through this as long as you have that should be your strength in knowing that life does continue I know that is my strength when I see others just like you I then know that I can do this just like they have. You still have alot of unfinished work left ahead of you in life continue to find strength in achieving all your dreams.

Love always,

Marlene

Edited March 4, 2008 by mfarah

[Gail_R]

Thanks for replying to my post. There are day's that it so hard to do this..but I know that if I just put one foot infront on the other I will make it. Derek you are right there are more good day's then bad day's I think at lest for me when I have a bad day it is BAD. But with the support that I get from this site I will make it. There have to be better day's ahead because day's like today are so very hard on a person. So thanks again for being here for me. Gail

[LarrysGirl]

Gail, I know that Bad days are rough. We just have to ride them out, shed the tears, share the feelings and hold on. Even at a little over two years, just the other day I could close my eyes and see Larry, his smile, and I'd give anything to touch his face. I cry and then sit with my memories. Your are coming thru this as much as you don't want to. Take care of yourself. Deborah

[Gail_R]

Deborah..last night I had the most real dream of Bruce...it was like was right here with me..I could feel him taste him smell him..that is the first time since he has passed away and it was so REAL I thought that for sure that when I woke-up this morning that he would be in bed with me and this whole 13 months since he has been gone that was all a BAD DREAM...but then I woke-up and he was not in bed with me and that same old helpless sad feeling was back. Not sure why it is that I'm feeling so down today. Maybe it's the weather would be nice if spring would come and the snow would leave and the warm weather was here. Winter has been long enough for me. Thanks for the words they help so much. Gail

[Scotty]

Hi Gail.

I know what you mean about how the grief suddenly sneaks up you. I didnt realize it did that it still happens a year later. Not much to look forward to. I see the weather forcast has your area being hit hard again. I cant wait til Spring. Although there are about a dozen perennial gardens that are going to need tending to and I know little about them. Another learning curve I'm ot looking forward to.

Take care

.....Scotty

[C-C]

Hi Gail,

I see what you are going through and I feel for you!!! I don't know if I am making it worse for myself because I sleep with a large picture of Cal on his pillow and I kiss him goodnight and good morning every day. Yes it makes me cry each time but at the same time I feel closer to him.

I sure hope you are having a better day today. There is not much eles that I can say to you yet as I am sooo new to this. I am just reading what everyone is saying and I can see that I am not the only one out there that is hurting like I never would have believed I could and this does help somewhat. Sometimes you just feel like you are all alone and no one seems to care. That is why I keep coming back here because there is such good support. I hope that one day I can help someone out there.

Today we are supposed to be getting more snow so there is no way that we can even go out for a walk or even go for a drive to take our minds off things. I don't know about you BUT we are socked in here. Sometimes I wish I had gone down to Florida like my daughters wanted me to. Oh well hang in there ... spring will be here soon.

Carolyn

[Gail_R]

Thanks Scott and Carolyn...things look better today.Guess I will still a few days like yesterday now and then. Scott the day's are not all bad but when one comes along for me at lest it is a bad one...and as for snow I wish it would just away for this year I've had enough...my boy's on the other hand want the snow as they all snowmoblie. Caorlyn when you said that you sleep with your husband picture and kiss him at night before you go to sleep and in the morning when you wake-up..that is what I also do but now I have put his picture on the nightstand but like you I kiss him each night and every morning. Like you it makes me feel closer to him and I also talk to him about everything that is going on in my life. So guy's thanks for being here for me and you may not think that you are helping but just posting back helps thanks again. Gail

[Rosemary T]

Hi Gail,

I read your post and it hit home for me because today was a bad day for me too. Today is day 37 and I had gone a day or two without breaking down but for some odd reason today on the ride home I just started thinking about how Lou and I would always talk on the phone the whole way home. Now the phone is silent. I miss my Lou so much. Gail, if you get a chance can you tell what you do concentrate on during the good days? I can't find anything except work to focus on and I have to tell you it is a very poor substitute! I keep thinking "what am I here for?".

Thanks for sharing your feelings so candidly; believe it or not it helps me to know I am not alone. Morbid to be glad to hear of someone else's pain. Sorry! I guess I am just too new at this. Sometimes I wonder if I should even reply to others; I don't want to bring folks down even more!

Rosemary

[WendyJ]

Gail I hope you are feeling better today, I have been having the same feelings as I approach the one year mark on Friday. It has gone by so so quickly yet it seems like it could have been yesterday yet I feel like I haven't seen my Steve in years. Weird huh? Sometimes I feel like I have made progress and other times I feel like I am back at about 6 months. We will get through this, I just wish I wasn't so darned scared taking this journey alone instead of with Steve. I never worried too much about the future as I knew Steve and I would handle everything together, that is no longer the case and it is me...all alone. We will get through this though with eachothers help.

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Rosemary...you are not bring others down..you feel what you need to feel. You will see someday's you will feel not to bad and other our just BAD but that OK don't so hard on yourself you are very new to this journey of grief ...for me at has been a little over 13 months and like I said someday's it feels just like yesterday that Bruce died. The good day's are day's that I don't break down and cry all day...I think about how much I have to be thankful for the 30 years that I had with Bruce the three wonderful kids that we raised and I am looking forward with happyness and some saddness to the two beautiful grandchildren that are coming one in May and the other in September...with all my heart I wish that Bruce could be here to see them but I guess it will be my job for spoil and love them for both of us. Rosemary just know that what ever you say will be all right with everyone here..we have all been where you are right now and some of us have been on this journey a little longer then you. But please come and post it does help...you have to get those feelings out or they will just eat you up...cry scream and POST. Gail

Wendy..I know that Friday will be Steve one year anniversary jsut know that I will be thinking about you. The one year was one of the hardest day's I have had since Bruce died but with the help of everyone on this site I made it. I feel the same way as you sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like years. I' m sure why we have these bad day's but we do...it is so nice to come here and just type out our feeling and not have to worry about hurting someones feeling...I don't like to cry around the kids they have had a hard enough time tryong to deal with their dads death that I don't won't them to worry about me so I cry when I'm all alone. Wendy you take care of yourself and come on Friday and we will cry with you. Gail

[teny]

HI GAIL IM verry sorry to tell you that if you change the names in your post it gould be mine.I do feel the same and some very down days I try to find a reason to keep going .I do miss him soo much miss the way I use to be us instead of just me.Today I went alone for blood tests the doctor who is the same that gave yiany his test told me that its unbeleavable the way he died so quikly.I started crying and did not want to face reality Thank you for being here .hope you feel better and when you do please let us know. TENY

[Gail_R]

Teny thank you so much for your post.This is a very hard thing that we have to do..I never thought that in my wildest dream I would be widowed so young. Bruce and I started see each when we where 17 and 22 and married with in 10 months of our first date...we had just a little over 30 years together but it was not long enough.There is not a day that goes by that I wish that this could have been different...if only we had known that there was something wrong with him..but we did not he was one that never complained about anything I was the I would see that he was not feeling well and make him go to the doctors. Well Teny I hope that all went well with you blood test. Take care of yourself dream friend. Gail

[kayc]

You know, I don't think any of us thought we'd be widowed so young. I still have a hard time with focus/concentration even after this long so don't know what to answer except now I make my cards in my spare time, go for walks, or watch a video. In the beginning I couldn't even do that.

Last night I had a makeover done, when she was through, I couldn't believe it was me...if I dropped 30 pounds I'd be a knockout! I was so surprised! But it was kind of sad to go home and not have anyone to show it to. (When I have to do my hair myself I know it won't look like when she did it). I went home and Miss Mocha and Lucky didn't look impressed, they just said, "feed me!" But I am learning to do things for ME, not for someone else, and that is new to me.

[MartyT]

Oh Kay, I wish you could've taken a picture of yourself to post here for all of us to see, so you could've received some recognition for your efforts. But even without your "makeover," we still think you're a knockout! And hooray for you for your willingness to be putting yourself first for a change ~ that is very healthy behavior for one as selfless and as giving as you are.

[dpodesta]

Kayc

Thanks for writing that you still have problems looking at his pictures. At just about 2 years I am the same way. I can glance at them every now and then but really just can't bear to really look at them. It is nice to know that I am not the only one.

Love always

Derek

[KathyG]

Thanks, everybody, for contributing to this thread. I thought I was doing so well, but all this week I've been on a continuous crying jag, missing Bill more than ever. The pain feels very fresh again. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one struggling like this, and to read your encouraging words.

I'm a cause and effect kind of person, so it's hard for me to understand why these spells of deep grief so often come without any warnings or apparent triggers. I'm trying to accept that these spells are unpredictable and come when they will, and that I just need to roll with them when they happen.

I wonder, though, if I'm dwelling too much on the pain caused by losing Bill and not focusing enough on the love and joy we shared during the years we had together. I do have many happy memories, and I believe that Bill is still with me, though on the other side of the veil between the worlds. But it hurts so much not to be able to hear his voice or put my arms around him. And I feel so alone.

[kayc]

Kathy,

I think it is a process...in the beginning you do focus on the loss more because it is so hard-hitting and affects you in so many ways, but eventually you adjust enough to begin to think about the good that you shared and with enough time, eventually doing so will bring a smile, a comfort inside, something you can draw upon. Every now and then we regress back and miss them so much and cry, but little by little, it becomes better to deal with.

KayC