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What Is Wrong With Me?


Guest moparlicious

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Guest moparlicious

It has been almost 8 months for me in this incredibly difficult journey, I feel so sad all the time and my chest heavy. I think of my Dan and see his pictures, but can't cry. I want to cry and try, but I just can't.Are all my tears dried up? What is wrong with me? I feel like a horrible person, for tears will not come out. Dan was and is my only soulmate. I know he is watching over me and our children, but the heartache I feel is so unreal. I look at the front door and hope for him to walk through it,why? I don't know? Our 24 years together were the best times of our life, If I would have know I was going to be a widow at 40 years old, I don't think I would have changed anything, but I just feel like I could have done more and forced him to go to the dr. many more times for those physicals and check ups he never went to, he felt fine. I miss you Dan and think of you everyday. Why am I not normal? Love, Kim -_-

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Hi Moparlicious,

I have lost both my parent in such a short time and even after three years I still have my bad days... When eight months went by for me I was ever so lost and numb still... Everyone is different and some people hurt more than others it really depends on the relationship you had with your loved one.... Take care Shelley

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Oh Kim, You ARE perfectly "normal"...tears are no indication of the level of grief we feel or how hard it has hit us. Many people are unable to cry for varying reasons. Tears are the RELEASE of the inner pain you already experience. I think you WILL be able to cry with time...have you talked with a counselor? It may be your body is keeping it in check because you're afraid if you start you'll never stop. And please let go of any guilt you are carrying around, we all did our best and couldn't have known the outcome and may not have been able to change anything if we'd known. It's NOT OUR FAULT! What is, is. You loved your husband more than life itself and can be glad that he knew it and had you for the time that he did.

Wishing you a better day today...

Love,

KayC

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Guest moparlicious

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I am trying to hang in there and try to take one day at a time,but I'm so sad.I love all of you and I am thankful for you all. Thank you for being in my life. God bless. Kim

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I am at the eighth month mark, as well, and having such a difficult time. Why is the eighth month different from other times?

I've stopped talking about it with my few friends. There are tired of my tears and constant stories about my husband. Now I really feel alone and depressed. So just know that you aren't the only one. We will just have to endure the best we can.

Sorry for your pain. I really, really am!

Pat

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Pat,

You can tell us stories about your husband. We like to hear about them, it keeps them alive and real...there's nothing worse than feeling like the world has moved on and forgotten your husband. And I'm not sure there's any magic number about 8 months, for some it's 5, some 6, but it's somewhere around the time when reality has kicked in and shock has worn off, everyone's gone home and expects you to move on, friends have disappeared and any help you might have had is gone...it's this new "normal" you're expected to adjust to and not ready for...it's that period that is really hard, but it does get better eventually...never the same as "before" but better than the first year or so.

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Thank you Kay.

I appreciate your help. This is so much harder than I could have ever imaged. I have lost family members before, but losing my husband has really crushed me. Each day, each hour, each minute is a struggle, as I am sure it is for the rest of you.

Your support means so much...thanks again.

Pat

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Pat,

I have heard it said that the worst pain in the world is that of losing a child, you just don't expect them to precede you in death, and while that may be, there are some things about losing a spouse that are unique to only that grief. When you lose someone other than your spouse, you still have your spouse to go through it with you and share in the loss and burden of that loss. When you lose your spouse, you lose that support, you lose your identity, your sense of purpose, your marital status, your friends, often his family, 1/2 your income, the other person that shares in the chores, the person you share holidays and vacations with, as well as the other side of your bed. You lose your sounding board, the person who relates to you sexually, the person that notices things about you and compliments you. You lose the person you sit down and play a game with or snuggle up to a video with. You lose the person who always notices and appreciates what you cook or the good job you do around the house. There is no longer someone to turn on the garage light for you when you come home, or even anyone to notice if you make it home okay or care. The loss is felt in a million different ways, on every facet of life. You are affected in ways you never could have comprehended. You not only lost your spouse, but you lost your best friend, greatest fan and admirer. How do you reconcile a loss of that magnitude in your life? Believe me, it takes time. You have to grieve each and every loss, acknowledge each and every one, and somehow learn to go on with that gaping hole in your heart and in your life. You have to re-create a life for yourself, reinvent your identity, get to know yourself in a way you never have before, complete with acceptance and nurturing. This grief is the biggest task you will ever be called upon to do. It is harder than any job, any relationship, anything you will have ever taken on. It is exhaustive on every level and you do it without sleep, without caring if you eat or not or what you eat. You do it when your brain is in a fog and you cannot think clearly. You do it when you are assaulted with a million decisions all commanding your attention now...decisions about what to do with the body, what kind of a service to have and when, what to do with his belongings, whether to stay in your home, how to pay the bills, file taxes as a "single" even though you still feel married and every ounce of your being cries out against this single status thrust upon you! You are told by the social security department that your marriage ended in death...this all when you never asked for an end of any kind. When his smell fades from his clothes and your sheets, you cry. When his voice disappears from his cell phone or answering machine, you cry. When you have to sell his car, you cry. When his pet dies, you cry. Each and every thing feels as if it is taking you further and further from him, just as you want to hold on as tightly as you can. Little by little, it sinks in, this new life, these decisions that were made without your input...little by little you do adjust, but never, never do you stop loving or missing him.

You see, there is nothing wrong with you or with any of us going through this grief journey, the truth of the matter is, it doesn't seem natural to lose your spouse no matter how common it may be...for those of us going through it, is is the hardest thing in the world.

You are not alone, we are with you.

KayC

Edited by kayc
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Kay,

You said it very well. You are a special person and you have continually inspired us here for your strength of character and for the good advices u have shared.

I know it is a long, long road ahead 'til we meet our loved ones again but to know that someone here understands makes this journey a little bit bearable.

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KayC,

Your narrative on how difficult a road we travel when losing a mate is right on target. Well stated my dear friend - and accurate in each and every word.

Your friend,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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WOW, KayC! What you said really hit home. As the others have said, that just about sums up our loss. I hadn't cried in a while....THAT made me cry. Especially remembering how I felt when I got that unfeeling letter from the Social Security that proceeded to tell me that my marriage to Charlie had ended (in death, at that!). What a slap in the face!! I can remember being absolutely hysterical after reading that - just for the very reason you said....I didn't WANT to not be married to him.

After almost 3 1/2 years, I am managing. I WILL survive this, but I still miss him so much. As you said, Charlie was MY best friend!

Thanks for putting a spouse's relationship into prospective.

Hugs to you and everyone here!

Patti

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Guest moparlicious

Thank you all for helping me through. I love you all and I am so grateful you are all in my life.

KAYC, you blew me away with your inspiration and outstanding way you have with words!!! The tears are definitly flowing, in a good way. You are a true friend to us all. God Bless You.

Today is the 8th month without my one and only soulmate(Dan) had a rough day,but it is almost over, but my memory and heart is not. Love, Kim

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Kay,

Since I have been a member of this wonderful group I have never had a post touch me and make me cry as hard as yours. You really summed everything up in a nut shell and made me feel like you got every word from looking into my broken heart. Wow !!! I can't even explain how I feel right now after reading your post...I am crying very hard yet your feelings are so identical to exactly what I have been feeling that I feel comforted by someone who really knows my pain. Thanks so much Kay !

Love You,

Wendy

Quote from Pattyann: "I've stopped talking about it with my few friends. There are tired of my tears and constant stories about my husband. Now I really feel alone and depressed."

Pat,

If what you said is true and your new friends are tired of your tears and constant stories about your husband then you need new friends ! You come here as much as you like and talk about your husband and we will gladly listen , consider us your new friends !!!

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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Kayc,

I think I read your post about 10 times already today and cried more and more each time. You have summed up everything we all lost the day we lost our loved one and to see how you are overcoming your journey through grief each day as a stronger person it really inspires me and I am sure everyone else here that one day we all will be able to build a new and different identity for ourselves we just need courage to fight our battlefield alone and eventually we all will be as strong as you have become. Thank you for your lovely words. :)

Love,

Marlene

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