Hello Fellow Travelers On This Very Hard Journey

[Caroline]

My husband Ed died on February 23rd. That is all I know for sure. I am 69 years old and feel I should be capable of taking this in stride after all the years of living with the belief that if we are lucky enough to live this long that we will experience loss. I wish I could say being older makes it easier but it doesn't. Love has always been the greatest gift that gives all of life meaning. Sorry, I'm not making any sense but I just wanted to reach out and let each and every one of you know that I understand and care. I have no answers and not even any questions. I'm scared, feel very vunerable, unstable and not up to any challenges. I am lonely but prefer to be alone. I did receive one card with a verse I would like to share with you.

Why?

That's what we ask.

The truth is,

we may never

be able to know

for sure why.

But we do know

that there is no single

"should have done"

or "could have done"

or "did" or "didn't do"

that would have

changed that why.

All that love could do was done.

[JoeA]

Caroline –

Thank you for sharing. You may feel invisible, but you are not invisible to us. And as for making sense, what you say makes perfect sense. Love is the gift which gives life meaning. What a lovely poem. “All that love could do was done.” Hold on to that. Our lovers are no longer with us physically, but the love in our hearts is as real as it ever was.

- Joe

[karenb]

Dear Caroline,

I am your age...I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago. No one takes this in stride no matter how old we are. We have loved that person for so many years it's just a part of us. You have wonderful words for all of us. I thank you for being here with us, and I so truly feel sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, you sound like a very lovely person.

Karen

[Caroline]

Dear Karen,

Thank you so much for your reply. I had composed a more comprehensible post but couldn't figure out how to send it last week. I need to explain the "invisible" part. What I really mean is that as an older woman - I think it actually starts at around age 55 - I am used to being invisible when out and about doing errands etc. But as long as I had Ed, it didn't bother me. I still felt validated as a woman and person. Now, I seem to just not have any identity. Just another lost, lonely soul that no one quite knows what to do with. Now - that sounds whiny, but I don't mean it that way. There really isn't anything anyone can do. I notice seveal people have mentioned that family isn't much help but seems the people who are lucky enough to have grandchildren seen to be able to handle things better. I don't have any and never will. My two daughters never wanted children. Well- again, thanks for your kind words. I can tell you are a beautiful person inside and out.

Caroline

[jackietnd1]

Hi Caroline,

I lost my husband March 21,2008 I am 46 I know that seems young, however I am having the same feelings you are expressing the feeling of being invisable. The thoughs of being too young the sadness I will never see Lawrence again.

The crying spells all the greif I must go through. You said being 69 that you should be able to handle this. I am not sure that we are ever able to handle our other half leaving us. Not sure if having grandchildren helps or not I do have one granddaughter not sure if that will help me or not, I know today it doesn't help I am going through as you are.

I thank you for the poem as I got joy from it. Please stay encouraged you are a beautiful woman.

Jackie

[kayc]

Caroline,

We do lose our identity when our partner dies...it takes time to reinvent a new one. As for invisible...you are only invisible to those who don't matter, to the rest of us, you matter, and in my opinion, older is better in that it carries with it a full life and broader perspective, wisdom, grace, the things it takes a younger person a lifetime to learn and develop. You are in good company on this site, please post any time you want, we are here and listening.

[STARKISS]

Hi Caroline,

I have never lost a husband, but I lost both parents close together and when that happened I felt like no one understood me or care what happened to me... I also think that I felt like I turned invisible because of that reason... I hope this helps and I will say a prayer for you... Take care Shelley

[Lily]

Caroline, my husband died in October. We were married for 45 years and I

remember when I was younger thinking that it was only "really" old people

who celebrated their 50th anniversay....yet until my husband died, I never

felt "really" old or even just plain old "old"...I think it was trying to

sneak up on me when I realized the "invisible" that you've mentioned - but

see then I had Rich and I felt young - always felt as though I was still in

my 30's....now though, I feel old and invisible...and, like you, I'm lonely,

but prefer to be alone....I think that's because even when I'm with others,

or talk on the phone with others, I'm stll alone...and sometime, if it's

even possible, when I'm with others or talking with them, I feel the pain

of my loss even more and feel even more alone...it's a love that I received

from him that fulfilled me I guess...but sharing these thoughts with someone

else who is hurting makes the loneliness go away for a while. Lily

[Caroline]

Hello Lilly,

It has been quite some time since I posted and you answered. For whatever reason, I am thinking of you with prayers that you are doing better and have found some solutions to the loneliness. I haven't. It will be two years in February and I still feel the same. I pray and pray some more but I just cant' seen any answers at this age. Loneliness is so hard to accept. Again, just thinking of you and your thoughtful response.

Sincerely,

Caroline

[kath]

Dear Caroline,

My favorite aunt lost her husband just a year before I lost mine. She would have been in her late 60's. Her advice to me was to go out whenever someone asked. I think of that everytime I get an invitation, yet, the "invisible" me knows it won't be as fun as I hope it will be. Yet, there are many times I push myself just because I keep on hoping for better days. My aunt died last month. Her last weekend was spent visiting my dad in the states at the casino for the weekend. She then returned home, played cards with her girlfriends until midnight (when they made her go home) and she had a heart attack that same night. She had so many friends at her funeral, I swore the whole town knew her. As I spent some time getting to know some of them, I found out she was the president of the red hat club, and volunteered many hours at the hospital, church, school, library, history club and wherever someone invited her. I also learned that she hated coming home to an empty house. I understood this most of all and felt this was probably why she stayed so active. I heard again and again how lonely she was without my uncle. And I heard her advice ring loud and clear. She really showed me the value of living life to the fullest. It for sure isn't the road we had hoped to travel, but there are many people that will still enjoy our company.

I hope you will find the courage to get out there. I've decided that is exactly what I need to do. (It isn't so easy at 50 either.) Are there any clubs near you that you could join. I can see that the circle of friends my aunt had made for herself, certainly cured many hours of her loneliness. Some days, that seems like the best answer of all.

Take good care,

Kath

[derby]

Caroline,

Welcome to this "family". I hope and pray you find comfort and peace as the folks here have been so supportive for me. My husband died Oct. 10th of this year and I at 52, feel like others look at me "differently". I agree that getting out helps, although its not always easy. For me, aside from this forumn, going to grief support groups has helped a great deal. It gives us a chance to meet others on the same journey as we, even though our losses are personal and we each have our own stories, it as so far proved to be healing and informative for me. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful poem with us. Blessings, Debbie

[Kat2005]

Caroline

Thanks so much for sharing that lovely poem. I lost my husband on June 23rd and it definitely hits home. I still wonder if I did everything that I could have.

Thanks again and take care,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

Hi Caroline,

I love the beautiful poem that you posted and it really put a lot of my guilt into perspective. I lost my fiance, Brian on 09/23/2009 -- he was 53. I've asked all of the whys and went through all of the should haves and would haves but the reality remains the same -- Brian's physical presence is still gone. But now I can say that I love him with all of my heart and soul and I did the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time. Hindsight information wasn't available. Thank you for helping me to realize that everything I did was out of love.

When I first returned to work and to school after Brian died, I wanted to be invisible because I thought everyone could see my pain and that they would treat me differently. Fortunately I have been surrounded by family, friends, and my faith community, but there are times I feel so alone even in their midst. It's a difficult path we walk. Many people do not understand the depth of our pain and the anguish we live with day after day. Finding this forum was a true blessing because we understand and we can try to find a new way to live together.

I'm sending prayers and hugs from Pa. And, please know that your words make perfect sense to me. Age doesn't matter when you lose the person you expected to share the rest of your life with. I understand.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Rochel]

My husband Ed died on February 23rd. That is all I know for sure. I am 69 years old and feel I should be capable of taking this in stride after all the years of living with the belief that if we are lucky enough to live this long that we will experience loss. I wish I could say being older makes it easier but it doesn't. Love has always been the greatest gift that gives all of life meaning. Sorry, I'm not making any sense but I just wanted to reach out and let each and every one of you know that I understand and care. I have no answers and not even any questions. I'm scared, feel very vunerable, unstable and not up to any challenges. I am lonely but prefer to be alone. I did receive one card with a verse I would like to share with you.

Why?

That's what we ask.

The truth is,

we may never

be able to know

for sure why.

But we do know

that there is no single

"should have done"

or "could have done"

or "did" or "didn't do"

that would have

changed that why.

All that love could do was done.

Dear Caroline,

Those are beautiful words in that card...that is for all those that feel a measure of guilt that creeps upon us....The grief is bad enough without the guilt coming upon us....Yes, I'm lonely, but prefer to be alone...until the time is right....and even then, I have to pick and choose who I really want to be with...Now that I'm in Cali, it is me and mom....and she is elderly so I will probably do a little of caregiving here too...Welcome to this family Caroline....Rochel

[Rochel]

Hi Caroline,

I lost my husband March 21,2008 I am 46 I know that seems young, however I am having the same feelings you are expressing the feeling of being invisable. The thoughs of being too young the sadness I will never see Lawrence again.

The crying spells all the greif I must go through. You said being 69 that you should be able to handle this. I am not sure that we are ever able to handle our other half leaving us. Not sure if having grandchildren helps or not I do have one granddaughter not sure if that will help me or not, I know today it doesn't help I am going through as you are.

I thank you for the poem as I got joy from it. Please stay encouraged you are a beautiful woman.

Jackie

Hi Jackie,

Since you are young, I recommend this book to you...It is very good and you can get it on Amazon (used) for about $6.00...It is entitled I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can...How Young widows and widowers can cope and heal...It has helped me get thru lots of questions...even when I didn't ask them...I'm sorry for your loss...Bless you woman of God....Rochel

[Kat2005]

Jackie

I have also read "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can". Like Rochel said, it answers alot of questions that you wouldn't think of. It has helped me. I am open to anything that will ease the pain of this journey that we are on. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Take care,

Kat

[Boo Mayhew]

Caroline, we are never ready to lose someone we love so much.

A friend at work just lost her grandma and people keep saying to her, "ah well, she lived a long time" and I told her they should stop saying that because it doesn't matter how long someone lives, or how long you get with that person ... it doesn't make it any less painful!

We will always want longer.

Please don't feel that you are not doing this as well as you should. You are doing as well as you should. This is your journey, your loss, your pain ... and you are therefore in exactly the right place for you.

I am so sorry that you have lost your husband, but I am glad you found this Forum. I look on it as a godsend.

[Maryo]

Hi Caroline,

I am sorry about the loss of your husband Ed. My husband died 16 months ago and I still have lonely days. This site

helps me daily. It's like I have many friends from far away. Even though I can't see them I know they will be there for me.Take one day at a time. Looking to far ahead can be to much to handle right now.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi Caroline,

You words are beautiful. I feel all of us on here are connected but I feel a special connection to you. I lost my husband on 2.23.09 I am 49 but can totally relate to feeling invisible. I was with my husband from the time I was 17 years old. I have no clue who I am or how I should be.

The site has been a God sent, I don't think I would have made it this far without our family.

Hugs

Phyllis

[Korina]

Caroline:

I cannot imagine losing your soulmate being any easier at 69 than it is at 41 (my age). The truth of the matter is that we have lost our other half, and age has nothing to do with it. Thank you very much for the poem - it truly spoke to me. I sure have all those woulda should couldas, and will ALWAYS have the why in my heart, even though I don't expect to ever (in this life) get an answer. I guess I will have to wait till I am together with him, again.

Take care,

Korina