Almost Made It Through The Weekend

[singledad2]

My daughter's boyfriend graduated from high school today. I was confident that I would be okay attending the graduation party. The first 15 minutes went okay, then I looked around and saw all of our friends and thought 'where is Julie(my wife)?' That was all it took. My eyes began to well up and I had to tell my daughters that I would see them at home. I drove around for about an hour and my shirt is just soaked with tears. I was at a place with many friends today, but felt as if I had walked into a building filled with strangers in a far away land. It was like someone was saying 'what are you doing here?' It's beyond that point where everyone tells you how sorry they are and offers their help for anything. Now I seem to be at that awkward stage where people look and smile, but almost seem to avoid me for fear of not knowing what to say. My two sons are home with me right now, but they know that now is not a good time for me, and they are just giving me my space. I'm sitting here just sobbing, not knowing what is next for me. I'm just sitting here wishing that...I don't know what I'm wishing for. I just know that I don't like much of anything right now, and I need to find something that I can grab ahold of for strength. Today I feel like I'm being washed downstream in a torrent of water and I already know my wife has been taken. My four children are all on shore and see me in the water, but don't know that I'm unable to get back to them. I'm still fighting, but I'm losing my strength very quickly today.

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry today has been so hard. As you may have read to, I already posted earlier and was not coping well, so you are not alone. You are early in your grief and sadly this is how it goes sometimes. People are so strange in their reactions to us. They just don't know what to say, yet saying nothing puts us in such a bad place. I know you feel alone. I wanted you to know that this is such a great support and we all care and understand. Deborah

[Lily]

Dear SingleDad - weekends seem to be the hardest to get through. I think

it's because that's when the people have days off from work and we see

them out on weekend activities whether its shopping or picnics or

family functions or graduations. I can understand why you had to leave

the ceremony; I think you showed courage to even try it. I can't

even bring myself to visit some friends who recently came back from

their Florida home because I picture how my husband and I always went

together to their home and I can't see myself going to the door alone.

I ride around a lot - just aimlessly - just to get out of the house -

sometimes that helps - but crying in the car alone is pretty horrible too...except who else is there to cry with. I know the feeling of

being out of control - when you talked about being washed away in the

torrent - I could understand that...with me its more like being in a

maze of blackness and I feel like i'm running and running only to smack

into a wall - as though there's no way out no light to guide me and

it all seems so hopeless....well, see, this is me on a weekend...except

to get my mind on something I mowed the grass - sounds ok except it was

raining - not hard but enough \I know Rich must be wondering if I

ever listened when he tried to tell me why not to mow in rain or wet grass.

I hope your day brings you at least a little relief. Lily

[fred]

SingleDad2 I read your first post minutes after you made it. I read it and could not respond. I walked in your shoes as a single dad when my first wife abandon my children and I, now I walk in your shoes since losing the greatest woman I ever met. Even though it has been sixteen months, I miss her every day. I know now that survival is possible, not good, but necessary. There are no words that are going to make any real difference, we are no longer part of that world we once belonged in; but here, on this site, there is a world of people just like us. Someday we will patch together what is left of our shredded hearts and gradually crawl back into the outside world again, but not now. Not yet. Now we HAVE to do only those things necessary to keep going. Today will happen over and over again, it will get easier because you will get stronger, that´s all. I hope you have someone close enough to listen and provide a hug when nothing else helps. We will do all we can to help you through. On sleepless nights, check in and just read for a while. Keep posting, we are all on the same journey, perhaps at different places on the river. Some have hauled themselves on shore to rest for a bit, some are foolishly trying to swim upstream (bad idea, I tried it), I don´t know where it ends or how long it takes to get there, but the river is the only way out. Your children are also here or in a parallel tributary since their loss is different than yours. Support each other and ASK for support if you need it. This won´t be easy, but you know that. You need to know that it is possible.

Edited May 19, 2008 by fred

[dpodesta]

Singledad,

Right now you are facing the toughest part of this journey, trying to fit in in a life as a single person and being used to being a married couple. I don't want to sound doom and gloom but it is a process that will take some time. You will have some good sized ups and downs for the next few months as the shock of losing your wife starts to wear off. You are doing fine and I applaud you that you are able to express so freely how you are feeling here. There are not very many of us men around that can do that. We will be here for you and we will try to give you as much strength as we can over the internet. Just hang in there, it will get better you will be in my prayers as I know how difficult of a time you have in front of you.

Love always

Derek

[SusanK]

SingleDad, so sorry for your loss. I don't know if it would help you but I just gave into the pain and stopped resisting. Sometimes I am able to string 2 or 3 decent days together. Other times it does not go that well.

I hope that your grief gives you a little respite. take care

s.

[singledad2]

It really does help to get things out in the open on this forum. Man, what a rough afternoon. I just got back from a 5 mile walk with my two labs and I talked quite a bit with my wife during that time. We used to have a daily routine of taking the dogs on a long route around the east side of our town. She was the driving force behind that routine--even talked me into walking with thunderstorms threatening one evening last fall. When we were about a 1/2 mile from home, a bolt of lightening struck a tree a few hundred yards in front of us. I about jumped out of my shoes! It was one of those moments for her when she couldn't stop laughing. She knew I didn't want to go that night, and the only reason I went was because I didn't want her to go alone. I was so mad, but I couldn't stay mad when I turned and saw her ear-to-ear smile. I can hear her laughing now!

I am learning to release things more and more. I tried to be strong for my family and still try to keep a stiff upper lip when they are all around, but I also know that I've got to get the pain out before I can start any hope of recovering from this tragedy. I try to shut the door to our bedroom at night and let out whatever I'm feeling. Sometimes I know it's going to get rough, so I make sure the kids are asleep and just bury my head in my pillow and cut loose. I thought it was working for the most part, but Thursday and today have been two of my worst in a while.

I really appreciate the support from all of you. Perhaps later I'll add a few caveats to my story that make this even more stressful. I'm holding off on those for now, as the 'full picture' would almost seem too overwhelming to comprehend.

Take care friends.

[jackietnd1]

Hi Singledad2,

I am so sorry for your lost, I have a child however she is 27 and out on her own. Its been 2 months and I really feel your pain, I cry daily now to me it seems with time there are more tears, however I beleive they are healing tears, my husband meant the world to me as I know your wife does to you.

I love the way you share and I am encouraged by you, having so much to deal with at one time. I really liked Marty's reply, to take care of yourself in order that you will be there for your children and you seem to be doing just that, please keep Posting.

Love You All

Jackie

[kayc]

Singledad2,

What you are experiencing are the fresh realizations that she is gone, and it serves as a painful reminder that your loved one is gone each and every time you are caught off guard with the familiar memories and for just one moment in time "forget" they aren't there anymore. Anything can trigger that...seeing someone that walks like they do, hearing a voice that reminds you of theirs, a scent or familiar place/event. With time, these come less and less and we gradually realize they are gone and no longer expect to hear their voice on the phone or see their car in the driveway.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is, and I promise you, it will get better. Someone on an earlier post expressed they weren't sure they could do it and someone else replied, "You already are". We'll all get through this together.

Edited May 19, 2008 by kayc

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Dear Singledad2, We all know the journey you are taking, and unfortunately it's a long and painful one, but one that will make you a better person. This is one of "life's lessons." I have found myself to be more understanding and caring toward people, especially those that are having a hard time with illness and death of a loved one. I am the only survivor in my immediate family as I have lost my parents and siblings, but losing my husband has really changed me. I no longer worry about the small things or care about what people are saying. I care about only my children and me, and only the present state and not what tomorrow will bring. It's important to those who love you that you take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to get through today. Sometimes having a chat with Julie and God will help to understand and see things more clearly. You will find, in time, what works best for you, and when you do just go with it, no matter what anyone thinks. Remember, right now it's all about you and your children and doing what's best to make it through this.

We will always be here for you...Lin

[fred]

Brother, If you are worried about us handling the ¨caveats¨ you are withholding, can you imagine what they are doing to you. If you are not ready or do not wish to share this pain or are afraid to open the doors to it, we understand. Just do not be foolish and try to keep too much bottled up inside, do not force yourself to maintain control at all times. Your children are grieving also, they already know of the love you shared with your wife, their is no need to spare them of this phase of love and marriage. I wish someone had told me about this part of life long ago.

[singledad2]

You all are amazing. Today was a better day for me. I am so thankful to be able to come here and share my thoughts with folks who know exactly what I'm going through. I was physically exhausted when I woke up this morning. My eyes were still puffy as I headed off to work. Recalling the supportive posts, as well as re-reading them a couple of times when I had a few minutes at my desk, helped give me strength.

Fred, you are right. I have no need to hold anything back from people who are being so kind and supportive. Here goes. My daughters are actually my stepdaughters. I married their mother in January of 2001. Their father has abandoned both of them, although he is a successful doctor who lives a few miles from our home. He cut off all contact with them several years ago. I promised my wife if anything ever happened to her, I would take care of the girls as if they were my own biological daughters. I fully plan to do so, as both will be going through college (along with my 16 year-old son) over the next 7 years. Two days after Julie's death, 'superdad' contacted his attorney, and filed a motion intent on gaining full residential custody of our 17 year-old! He is trying to get the court to force her into counseling with him! The loser hasn't spoken to her or even sent a birthday or Christmas card in years. He is however, required to pay child support for the next 13 months. Avoiding this responsibility is apparently more important to him than her emotional well-being. She is terrified that somehow, some way, the courts would rule in his favor. In our state, actually trying to get legal custody over a biological parent would be going against established statutes. Nevermind that he abandoned her and that she has referred to me as her 'dad' for the past 7+ years! Her 19 year-old sister is staying with me, so her fear is that if he is successful, not only will she have to live with a man who abandoned her, and whom she despises, but that she will be separated from the only family she has known for years. So yes, in addition to dealing with the grief of losing my wife at 44, and trying to raise 4 children alone, I find myself embroiled in a custody battle for the girl I've called my daughter for the past 7+ years. Can you imagine the affect this is having on her grieving process?? She loses her mother, and then two days later...this!

I believe the totality of my situation is what causes the lows for me to go so low. I have SO much going on that I don't normally have much time to think about the hand I've been dealt. However, when times do slow up a bit, and I get a chance to catch my breath, I realize the enormity of the task at hand and know that I MUST succeed, for I am the only one that these 4 children can count on. At work, I have hundreds of families counting on me daily, and I turn them off when my family time turns back on. I swear, the last month and a half almost seem like a couple of weeks. I know that Christmas will be here before I know it. We will be taking a family trip to the Rocky Mountains to scatter Julie's ashes in late July. I just hope I'm ready for it at that time. With your help and the help of my friends and colleagues, I pray that my family will remain intact and evolve into a much stronger, passionate, loving unit that will get us beyond this terrible tragedy. Thanks for letting me share this with you. Very few of my friends know the entire story.

Singledad2

[leeann]

SingleD2 ((((hugs)))) for you. I must say.. with ALL of that going on... you ARE doing so well. I know you don't feel that way.. but from where I sit.. you are managing it real well despite the awful pain. And are one awesome Dad.

I'll be keeping you and the kids in my thoughts.

leeann

[dpodesta]

SingleDad

I understand the bit about so much going on. Lucky for me I didn't have the step children issue but I did have to deal with bankrupacy with all the calls from creditors and taking care of paperwork for the lawer and such. It was a big drain but also a distraction for me. It provided an escape until everything was finalized and then I hit the wall.

Your daughter being 17 and all for most states they will allow her to decide where to live as she is close to being an adult. I don't know the rules in your state but I really believe that she should be allowed to stay with you. Start searching out some lawers and interview several don't stop with just the first one. Especially if they say that it can't be done. Granted bankrupacy is a lot different than a custody issue, but the first several lawers told me that I would not be successful in filing chapter 7 so soon after my wife's death because the courts would count her earnings as well and that would be more than the limit that the courts allow. After several lawers I found one that said that he couldn't guarentee that the Chapter 7 would go through but he reaally couldn't see a reason for it not to considering the circumstances. It did all work out. Take your time look at several and above all else turn to God, ask him to show you the one and it will work out.

Love always

Derek

[singledad2]

I have retained an excellent attorney. At this point, we are simply trying to delay things through continuances and 'unforeseen occurrances' until she turns 18. At that point, the court cannot order her to even acknowledge her biological father, much less live with him. In our state of residence, they follow what is known as the 'parental preference doctrine.' Basically, it says in a challenge, a biological parent who is 'able to' care for their child and has not been deemed 'unfit' to do so, has the right to obtain full custody over the objections of other relatives and non-relatives unless that decision would clearly put the child in danger (I'm paraphrasing, as I'm not an attorney). The issue is more of attempted fear and intimidation at this point, as well as avoiding his monthly child support obligation. He has stopped paying his child support as well, so my attorney's fees are all coming out of the general fund that is used to pay monthly bills. His 'non-existance' was a bit of a blessing for Julie, in that she never had to talk with him or worry about even hearing any of his babble. Unfortunately for our youngest daughter now, he has decided that he wants to make noise. At $400/hour, my 'noise cancellation device' gets a little expensive if you know what I mean. Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into a custody post, but thought I'd just clarify the situation. Thanks again for your input.

[kayc]

Singledad...your plate certainly is full, we wish the best outcome for you in your efforts to maintain custody. I can't imagine them forcing a 17 year old to be with someone she doesn't even know any more when she already has an established supportive family.

[dpodesta]

Some courts are so stupid! If a child has lived with someone for how ever long it has been for you then they should be able to stay with you especially if the biological father hasn't had any contact.

Now let me step off of my soap box. LOL, Hopefully they will be able to delay it long enough that she will not have to stay with him. Question what about the case some years back when a teenager sued for divorce from her parents? Could that be a possibility? Just a thought. I will be praying for your situation.

Love always

Derek

[singledad2]

The emancipation issue is an option, but my daughter is so angry with him, she told me 'dad, I do not want you to let him off the hook on his child support. You're already the one paying for our college. Don't let him benefit just because mom died.' She may be scared, but she is pretty strong willed. As they say he!! hath no fury like...well, you get the picture!

[dpodesta]

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person. I will keep you all in my prayers, keep us posted on how things go.

Derek

[singledad2]

If you think the 17 year-old is tough, you might be frightened by the 19 year-old. Though they have the sibling rivalry, she has said she would welcome the opportunity to confront bio-dad in a public place--perhaps in his office in front of waiting patients!! Oh, that would do my heart good!!!!

[dpodesta]

I would like to be a fly on the wall with that one. Are you selling tickets?

Derek

[singledad2]

I might be tempted to buy them all myself, just to avoid the risk of missing a microsecond of that fun! Listen to me...I'm starting to sound like a crazed individual. They only thing I ever did that could be termed 'crazy' was to propose to Julie two weeks after our first date! What can I say--I consider myself a really good judge of character! In this case, I swung at the first pitch and hit it out of the park!! I was 'crazy' alright. Crazy in love with her!!!

[fred]

I think Leeann is right! All those in favor of changing singledad2 to AwesomeDad, say aye! You have my vote!

Received your message, looks like everything is in order, best of luck!

If big sister can temper her anger, she may be of help in court. She is the 17 year olds closest adult relative!

[singledad2]

She has a tough outer shell, but a heart of gold. Immediately after the filing, she told us both that if her sister was forced to go to counseling with biodad, she wanted to be there to protect her. That showed me very quickly that sibling rivaries may appear to run deep, but this family will stick together and circle the wagons to protect each other. Each day that passes is a day closer to her 18th birthday. I'm guessing that will be a day of celebration for all of us...just for different reasons than those of a typical 18 year-old.

[dpodesta]

When will her 18th birthday be so we can celebrate with you all. My sister and I even though we have had our differences over the years have a tight bond as well and will come out fighting if either of us is in trouble.

Derek