Not Doing Very Well......

[WendyJ]

Hello my friends, I am so sorry I have not posted in awhile but alot has been going on lately. My Mom had to stop her daily radiation as it was causing not only fluid around her heart but now heart palpatations. Tomorrow her heart and her Lupus doctor come back from vacation so hopefully they will meet with her oncologist to see what if anything else can be done. Without the radiation the cancer is sure to spread. On top of all this my daughter has told me she is moving out and I will be left here all alone to take care of everything. I have tried to convince her to stay, she will not. She wants to be out on her own and get an apartment with her boyfriend. I honestly feel I have not had time to even grieve completely from losing my dear Steve and everytime I turn around my life is falling apart even more. I am now deeply depressed and feel my world is just crumbling down all around me. I have COPD as most of you know so to be left with all the duties of a house makes things impossible for me, especially the yard work, shoveling snow etc. The way the market is these days I could not sell the house even if I could get it cleaned out for putting up for sale, besides I have 7 little dogs, where would I go ? Thank you for letting me vent, sometimes it just helps knowing you can come here to get it all out and people can understand your pain.

Love,

Wendy

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

I wish there was some way that I could help you out with the house stuff but I can't. I can however say that you will be in my prayers and as always will be here to listen when you need to vent.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Wendy - I am so sorry things are really piling up for you...you don't need it. Put your brain to work - isn't there anyone that can help you out with the "house stuff?" What about from work? Don't you work with a bunch of guys? Some things really need a "guy touch." There must be a way and if you can get out of the doldrums, maybe you can find the answer. It just seem impossible right now, I know. I was in that situation myself and I did get out of it...took a while, but I did.

I'm so sorry your mom isn't doing very well....and your daughter wanting to move out. It just seems like push comes to shove when so much happens. I don't know what COPD is, but it sounds limiting. There must be somebody that you can go to there for help, talking, whatever. I wish I could help...we all do. Please let us know how you might handle these things....someone here may have gone through your particular situation and be of help - we'll all be here for support. Please take care of yourself.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Wendy, I'm so sorry that your mother is not doing well. Also, I have two sons and one moved several states away in February of this year. Its been a hard adjustment. It felt like another loss. I know you feel overwhelmed with having to take care of everything. I'm in a similar situation and its not easy. I've learned I have to let some things slide for awhile because I just can't physically do it all. I hate it because I want my home, garden, dogs, finances to be just as they were when Larry was alive. I miss him so and I know you miss Steve. Take it one step at a time, you can do it. We are pulling for you. Deborah

[Scotty]

Wendy, so sorry to hear about your mother. Timing for daughters' departure must be tough. You've been a rock around here, know we're all pulling for you. Please keep us informed on how your making out.

Take care

....Scotty

[leeann]

(((((Wendy)))))

I'm so sorry things with Mom aren't going too well right now. I'm hoping the respite from the radiation will ease her discomfort some and help her feel a bit better. And let's see what the Doc's can come up with to help her out.

You sound overwhelmed... and I would be feeling that too.

When I have found myself overwhelmed.. I like to write lists. Lottsa lists.

And they generally look something like this:

What do I need to do?

What will I need help with?

How can I get that help?

And I just tackle one thing at a time. If I get stuck on a question... I call someone who I might think may have knowledge of what I need help with. And.. I ask.

And I have found.. over and over again.. people are so willing to help.. all I had to do was understand that it was OK that I didn't have to do everything by myself. There are people who can help me.

But lists help me organize my thoughts, needs and plans. And when I am able to cross some things off of a list.. I always feel better.

So your daughter wants to move out... now. Well, yeah the timing isn't ideal for you, to say the least. But she may see it as an ideal time for her. And I guess that is understandable.

However, do you think there is any chance at all you could ask her and her boyfriend to help you out some with the maintenance of the yard & lawn for a bit, at least til this mowing season is done or until you can find someone else who can help you with it?

Now, if the kids can't help, yes you do probably work with some people who may know someone who can do your lawn and plowing in the winter fairly reasonably. Ask them. I'll bet more than one person has told you "If you need anything, just call." So.. maybe now is the time to call or talk to them. And if none of them have any ideas.. I have to admit...the old yellow pages have served me well on more than one occasion. And anyone listed there that says "free estimates" in their ad usually gets put on top of one of my beloved lists.

Wendy.. it is a tough time. Take small bites. Maybe whatever is bothering you the most could be the first thing on the first list. And then...I think it might be time to call in the reinforcements.....

I would venture a guess that you have helped people in need more than once.. so why not ask for some help too.

I will keeping you extra close in prayer & thought.

Keep us posted and vent away...

leeann

[DoubleJo]

Wendy: I would be surprised if you weren't depressed. All these things shoot out after that big event happens. My late husbands' daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend while her mom was dying in the hospital. She took advantage of the situation to do it.

Try not to think of all the things you may need to do. Leeann has some good advice. There is nothing that important about the house that would cause the world to collapse this week. Don't overwhelm yourself any more than you already are. Take care of today . It will become yesterday. Tomorrow will become today. What you can't do today you will be able to on another.

Try to look at this as not crumbling around you but changing. I had all things thrown at me too a few years ago. It's crushing. If you try to see the changes of your daughter and mom as not really unexpected nor unrealistic in their lives, perhaps it will seem less uncontrollable to you. All this will eventually smooth out into their proper places. For instance the yard- maybe changing it to a graveled patio without grass, etc will remove the maintenance for you.

Today will take care of today. You will know better how to handle things later on as one by one they are confronted and tackled. Things often have a way of working themselves out in their proper time.

Hang in there- DoubleJo

[MartyT]

Wendy, dear ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you at this difficult time in your life. I hope it brings you comfort to know that you are being held in gentle thought and prayer by so many warm and caring hearts.

[jackietnd1]

Hi Wendy,

My prayers are with you, I so understand how you feel. My daughter moved out and my mother is home now and dealing with cancer daily. You will do just find, you just have to go through. I pray I am not bringing you down however reality is reality. And yes as someone said call on those folks who said "is there anything I can do to help". I know well what COPD is and know you must take care of yourself through this all. The list sounds great also. My friend please please KEEP THE FAITH and you will be ok...

Love you All

Jackie

[WendyJ]

Thanks so much to all my friends here for responding, what would I do without you all? I couldn't go to work yesterday, it has all been too much. Deb you hit the nail on the head and I didn't realize it. This pain that I am feeling in my stomach and all the crying and the feeling of abandonement does make me feel like I am suffering another loss ! She is moving out and leaving me to fend for myself, just feels like all the loved ones in my life are abandoning me. I am having a hard time concentrating at work, making alot of mistakes. I can't stop all the racing thoughts in my head, the how will I.... and what ifs.... just won't stop. I just don't know how to pull myself up out of this, I am just so lost.

Love,

Wendy

[kimb]

wendy

im sorry that you are going through this hard time with your daughter moving out, and with your mom so sick. Although try and stay strong, knowing that when you take care of a loved one is very rewarding. My late husband and i took care of his dad and mother before they died. we wouldnt have had it any other way. although it is very stressful and unsettling, when looking back it was very precious to be with a loved one when they needed someone most.

Im praying for you

blessings

kimb

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

The "what if's" get you everytime. When you start getting into the what ifs just stop for a second, get yourself back into today and clear your mind of those. THey will drive you nuts. I know that sometimes this is easir said than done but you need to do it for your own health and peace of mind. You can do it, I know you can.

Love always

Derek

[leeann]

Ya know, I'm glad you took the day off Wendy. You needed one, at least.

And yes of course your daughter moving out is another loss of sorts. It is another change and that requires more adjustment for you.

Life seems to be changing all the time, doesn't it?

However, for you?? now??...some big changes kind of piled up, one on top of the other. And I think we can all say we have all had some times like this in our lives. It is tough.. no question. But definitely doable... with some help, healing and time.

For the "How will I's".. the answer for me... now?? usually is "with help". lol I mean life can throw only so much at one before asking for help becomes second nature.

We all need help on our journeys. That's reality. Me trying to do everything myself and solve everything on my own.. is unrealistic.

So I'm either finally learning... or hopeless... you pick. lol

You might want to perhaps give your Doc a call about how you are feeling. Just to make sure things are ok with you and to see if he has any ideas on how to help you feel a bit better and get those thoughts to slow down some.

That fleeting thoughts and lack of concentration is probably due to some anxiety & stress. Both are treatable... thank goodness. And both are understandable for what is happening for you right now.

Like Derek said.. it is hard.. but I would try like the dickens to get out of "What if" land. I have never found what if'ing to be productive or to make me feel any better. In fact, always makes me feel worse.

I like to turn what if.. "something bad happens" into:

"What if I do fine?" And/or "What if it all works out?"

And ya know?? I always come up with the same answer.. "Well then I'm worrying for nothing!" That usually stops me because then I just feel silly.

You canpull yourself out of this.. but.. it is another loss of sorts to have your daughter flying from the nest. This is huge adjustment for ANY Mom let alone one who has lost her husband.

So.. you know the drill... it is going to take some... time.

Your Mom being so sick right now and the thought that she may be entering her sunset days... is daunting & very stressful.

Wendy.. your plate is full. I think everything you are describing is perfectly normal for an over-flowing plate.

But keep in mind, like DoubleJo mentioned here, there isn't a thing that has to be solved right this second about the house.. so.. take your time.

Just tackle one thing at a time.

I know right now it doesn't feel like it will all work out. But I truly think it will ... in time. Have some faith... and have some in yourself too. Look what you have already done! You can do this.

BUT you don't have to do it ALL today.

We're here for you too.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[teny]

WENDY IM so sorry for your so many problems IM thinking of you and I know we are almost at the same time of this terrible loss.Your friend from far away TENY

[kayc]

Wendy,

I am sorry I didn't make it on line earlier to see this post. My heart is with you and I understand how you are feeling. COPD is a hard thing to deal with in itself, let alone throwing in the equasion you have of having a mother with so many medical problems, and a daughter wanting to leave the nest. My daughter left about 2 1/2 weeks after George died and I was totally not ready for that. She came back now and then, but nothing I could count on. Have you considered getting a roommate? Maybe what seems impossible for one would be more cope-able with two. How old is your daughter? I am kind of going through that myself...my son came back home a couple of months ago but has been gone lately and will soon be leaving to go on a five month out-of-state job, leaving me to care for his dog. Right now I could really use his presence...I have tried to shield him from what is going on in my life because I do NOT want to hold him back from his and I do not want him to worry about me...he is 24, he needs to be trying his wings, not babysitting his mother the rest of his life. I need to forge new relationships in my life that are both nurturing and help me to survive. You are more independent and accomplished than I am, in so many ways...right now I have a weedwhacker I can't even figure out how to refill...stupid little things like this hang me up. And I need to get a new battery for my riding lawnmower, and am afraid "what if I can't install it?" I feel helpless sometimes. We all have our strength and weaknesses, I guess it's important to incorporate people into our lives that we can rely upon...and who can rely upon us.

For your mom's situation, I know it is hard...the cancer alone is enough to deal with, but they have to address the most immediate problem of her heart and then do what they can with the cancer. My mom doesn't have such serious physical issues, but we are going through it with her because she is aging so fast all of a sudden and declining mentally. We are trying to take care of her and it is overwhelming.

Sometimes I ask myself why life has to be so hard? I am 55, you'd think by this age it'd be nice...I'm not old enough to have serious physical problems, I should have my house paid off instead of owing a huge mortgage against it. I should be happily married and enjoying the privacy of kids having left the home. I should be financially set. I should... But you see, our expectations are so far off from life's reality. We see others and think they have it made and we should too...but it doesn't work like that. Life is unfair, and we don't all get dealt the same hand. I look at the people on this site and so many of us have been dealt a hard lot in life...yet we are the most compassionate, understanding, caring people there are...could it be that there are tradeoffs in life? Maybe we aren't vacationing in the Bahamas, maybe we have struggles and problems and heartache, but we are superb people that have a capacity to love beyond most...and isn't that worth something?

I love you, Wendy, and will continue to pray for you, and for your mom.

KayC

Wendy - I am so sorry things are really piling up for you...you don't need it. Put your brain to work - isn't there anyone that can help you out with the "house stuff?" What about from work? Don't you work with a bunch of guys? Some things really need a "guy touch." There must be a way and if you can get out of the doldrums, maybe you can find the answer. It just seem impossible right now, I know. I was in that situation myself and I did get out of it...took a while, but I did.

I'm so sorry your mom isn't doing very well....and your daughter wanting to move out. It just seems like push comes to shove when so much happens. I don't know what COPD is, but it sounds limiting. There must be somebody that you can go to there for help, talking, whatever. I wish I could help...we all do. Please let us know how you might handle these things....someone here may have gone through your particular situation and be of help - we'll all be here for support. Please take care of yourself.

Your friend, Karen

COPD: Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease

[MartyT]

Kay, my dear, you said, I look at the people on this site and so many of us have been dealt a hard lot in life...yet we are the most compassionate, understanding, caring people there are...could it be that there are tradeoffs in life? Maybe we aren't vacationing in the Bahamas, maybe we have struggles and problems and heartache, but we are superb people that have a capacity to love beyond most...and isn't that worth something?

I couldn't agree with you more, as I believe this is one of the most valuable consequences of significant loss: to make us more compassionate people. Your observation reminds me of these beautiful statements I've collected over the years:

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri J. M. Nouwen

Only he who suffers can be the guide and healer of the suffering. ~ Thomas Mann

You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~ Dr. Karl Menninger

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. ~ Alphonse de Lamartine

While the experience of grief work is difficult and slow and wearing, it also is enriching and fulfilling. The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. ~ Roy and Jane Nichols

[MariahC]

Wendy, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time of it right now. I'm praying for you and your mother.

It sounds like you are thinking about everything that needs to be done as though it needs to be done all at once. What I find helps is to write down a small list of tasks to be done each day/week. As I do them I check them off the list and it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Breaking down tasks into a list of urgent and not so urgent helps too.

Your daughter moving out must be hard, especially as you are grieving your husband and your mother is ill. You may not think so now, but you will be ok. You are stronger than you think. You are dealing with so much at the moment, can any of your friends help with some of the tasks? I wonder if your daughter and her boyfriend could help out with some of the tasks, like mowing the lawn etc? Do let us know how you get on.

Please do take care of yourself.

M.

[WendyJ]

How can I thank you all my friends for all your kind and compassionate words, you truly helped me to get over another hurdle in my life. We had a good day with my Mom yesterday taking her wig shopping, kinda felt like old times when my sister, my Mom and I would go shopping together. Last night though she started with the heart palpatations again from the radiation making her Lupus act up. The doctor said she is a very rare case as usually the radiation and chemo helps calm down the Lupus, with her it is doing just the opposite. My daughter and I have not discussed the moving out this past week as we get upset with eachother so I should be okay until she starts showing signs of the discussions becoming a reality again in the next month or so. Thank you all so much again, I am so blessed to have you all as part of my family.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

Thinking of you...glad you are having some good mom/daughter times with your mother.

Have you told you daughter why you are feeling like you are? Maybe you could reach a compromise...she moves out but maybe her and her BF could come over at a set time each week, maybe help with yard work and have dinner with you, something for you to look forward to, at least for a while.

Love you!

KayC

[WendyJ]

Kay,

Funny you mentioned that because when the subject comes up again that is exactly what I want to talk over with her. Honestly I don't know how she is going to afford to move out but we shall see and I don't think I should be so quick to redecorate her room. I don't think she has thought this all the way through yet. Thanks of thinking of me, I am always thinking of you too.

Love You,

Wendy