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Grief Burst!


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I sold the truck Harry drove every day to work yesterday. I've been driving it since shortly after he died. I gave my old van to my son. So now I am driving the other truck. The one we used to pull our camper that we planned to "wear out" in our retirement as he kept saying for the months leading up to his retirment date of 1/01/08. Right up until the day I found him laying dead in the back yard on 12/22/07. What's fair about that? Absolutely nothing, yet I am supposed to feel blessed: #1 That he didn't suffer. #2 That he lived to raise his children. #3 That he was happy the day he died. #4 That he didn't have to know that he was going to die. #5 That he was a faithful and loving husband. I could go on and on. Guess what? Today at this very moment it DOESN'T HELP!!!! I miss him and I want him back.

I love God and I know that He is there but just for this moment, IT DOESN'T HELP!!!! There I said said it, maybe if I am lucky He will strike me dead.

Guess you've noticed. I think the anger stage hit me today. Sorry, I just needed to get it out of my system and this is the ONLY place I feel safe in doing that.

Sherry

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Thanks for posting exactly what I feel most of the time. I feel so guilty about being ungrateful and so nasty in my demeanor. Sometimes I just want to "slap" people who tell how blessed I am.....but then I also realize they are right.

I guess the anger and the guilt for feeling angry is all part of this. I also sometimes just think it would all be so much easier if everything would just STOP.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I hope when you read this you will be in a different frame of mind. That kind of pain is not bearable for long stretches!

Rosemary

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I agree with all of you. There is just one thing that keeps me going. It started with the death of my father. He was only 59. We imigrated from England when I was 12. It was a wonderful experience. In those days you had to have a job, someone to sponser you and you had to have a certain amount of money to come to this country. We couldn't believe how wonderful it was. That was back in 1960. The good old days. We were a middle class family but life was so much better than in England. Back then you weren't bombarded with what you had to put away for retirement. My mom and dad enjoyed camping so we belonged to a trailer group and went camping just about every weekend and had wonderful times. We also took the usual 2 week vacations every year. When my dad died at the age of 59 completely unexpectely my mom had so many happy memories of what they had done and where they had traveled (even though it was only in the U.S. as my dad didn't like to fly). So when my husband and I had our own business, plus I was working, in the 70's money was good. But I just couldn't think of saving for retirement because if my parents had done that my dad would never have retired and enjoyed it. Call me crazy I guess. But my husband and I did things. We went on those 2 week wonderful vacations with my daughter and his children, we went on cruises, I took him on a mystery weekend trip once a month, every month. Would never tell him where we were going just to be home at 5:00 on a Friday nite. He enjoyed every place that I surprised him with whether it be flying to Reno to watch his favorite country western singer, or to a remote bed and breakfast in a town that he had never heard of. I had many relatives that came over from England and he wanted to show them the best time ever. We did just that and they went back to England with such wonderful memories of America. We were able to do this for at least 15 years but then he was in a terrible truck accident. We just about lost everything and almost him. He was able to work after that but we lost our business and we never did climb out of the hole that it put us in but we managed. But he was always able to look back on those years and it kept us going through the hard times. Now those memories are keeping me going. I maybe struggling now financially, especially now with all that is going on in the world, but I feel that it would be much much worse for me if I didn't have those memories tucked away to bring out now and then to make me smile. Maybe I would be sitting with a nice size nest egg but no husband to enjoy it with and no great memories. Thank you for listening to a small part of my life and I hope some of you have some happy memories like I have that can make you smile on this terrible journey called grief. Jan

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Jan, you have something more precious than money, you have memories to carry you in your old age. Memories are what it's made of...I am so glad that George and I LIVED while the getting was good, little did we know how soon it'd be over. It sounds like you and your husband did too!

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Thank you Jan for sharing those wonderful memories. I needed that right now. My wife and I would have been celebrating our seventh anniversary next week. Since we were both in our forties (second marriage for both of us) we figured we probably wouldn´t have a fiftieth anniversary. To compensate we celebrated our wedding anniversary every saturday by going out to dinner or just doing something fun. We also marked the monthly anniversary every time the same date came around as well. Those are some great memories I needed right now. Thanks again. ((()))

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Dear Sherry,

Exactly one month after my husband died, my brother-in-law came and took Bob's truck (to repair and sell) and put my beautiful 15 year old husky to sleep. I knew both things had to be done and didn't think that after feeling the greatest pain possible, anything else would come close. Boy was I wrong! Every new step hurts a little deeper.

Be angry. It's okay. We understand.

Kath

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Hi everyone!

Sorry for the explosion last Thursday, although it did help to get it out and I'm trying not to feel guilty but I've been really good at that most of my life.

Instead of striking me dead, God provided a little message the next day. I rode to Bible study with a good friend from my local grief support. She pulled into the parking lot and almost parked a lane from where she eventually did. There was a car parked already on the passenger's side. I got out of the car and when I went to open the back door to retrieve my Bible, I looked down and there was a name tag lying on the ground right next to the rear wheel of the car next to us. The name on the tag was upside down but I immediately recognized the name as the same of the man I had been married to for 42 years and 7 months, "Harry." My heart jumped and I told my friend to come look at what was on the ground. Of course I was very moved. She put her arm around me and said "See Sherry, he is trying to tell you that he's still here with you."

Thank you Harry for love that goes beyond this life and thank you Heavenly Father for never giving up on me.

Thank you to all everyone who read my post and sent me words of support.

Thank you Marty for providing this forum.

Sherry

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