Stuck

[agd1017]

My name is Amanda, and this will be my first post. My therapist recommended I reach out to other people dealing with grief, in hopes that it will help me too. He and I have been working on this off and on for 11 months, and I'm still stuck. I cannot seem to move on with my grief. The kicker is, my loss was almost 8 years ago. For the first 6 1/2 years, I buried it. I refused to talk about him at all, I didn't talk about him to new people I met. I was in a relationship for over 2 years, where my partner had never once heard me speak of this person. Even now, I rarely speak of him, simply because it hurts too much. I can't seem to accept that by working through the grief, I will one day feel better. All I can think is, by feeling less pain, I'm betraying the person I lost. My relationship with him was so intense and so deep, this intense pain is the only thing that feels natural to me. I'm afraid of losing memories. Now I'm just rambling.

I guess my point for being here is, I need other perspectives, I need to see how others go through grief. I'm not sure what else I should say at this point. I'm having a particularly hard time right now with all of this- sometimes I can bury it and go on with life. This is not one of those times. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to stay in bed and sleep all day. People irritate me. I can't seem to focus on anything. I'm about to fail my semester at college- the second semester I've attempted and failed. Working anything more than a day or two a week turns me into someone who most people cannot stand to be around. For the most part, I've stopped caring about my life, my future, and people around me.

In therapy, we are dealing with my depression. It's there, regardless of my loss and the grief I need to work on. But my life is going out of control, I can't go on feeling like this every day. But I don't know how to feel any other way.

**Amanda

[MartyT]

Amanda, dear, you've come to the right place, and we all welcome you here. Why not begin simply by telling us your story? Can you tell us what happened, and share with us the details of the loss you experienced almost eight years ago?

[agd1017]

I have rarely told my story. I could probably count on 1 1/2 hands the number of people who have heard me talk about Chad.

Chad and I met when we were 15. It was instant attachment. I couldn't tell you why, but literally the day we met, we were best friends. I remember after my friend I left that day, I said "He's so awesome, I can't wait to see him again," and my friend just laughed and thought I meant that I liked him in a boyfriend type of way. The next day I went over to his house, but his mom said he was a few houses down, at his brother's. So I walked over there, and knocked on the door. He opened it and I was just head over heels. Not in a romantic way, but I knew right then he was someone special. Within a few months, we were inseparable. His family became mine, and vise versa. It was hard to tell where he stopped and I started.

All of our friends kept asking us if we were dating; my dad was sure that I was in love with Chad. He didn't understand how a teenage girl could spend so much time with a teenage guy, how we could be so close, without dating. Things were different for us. We were madly in love, but in different ways. We often talked about dating each other, or having a more romantic relationship. But we always agreed that we didn't want to lose what we had. So many teenage couples fight and break up over silly little things- we didn't want that for us. We decided that we'd much rather just stay friends forever, rather than chance losing each other over a silly teenage fight.

We dated other people, but somehow nobody was ever as important as Chad was to me, and I was to him. We took each other to homecomings and proms, it worked well because we went to different schools. Twice the school dances for me. We vowed that no boyfriend/girlfriend would ever come in between us.

As we got a little older, we were closer than two friends usually would be. When we were 18, we decided that we were meant to be together forever, and we ended up having sex. We were each other's first. At the time, it was magical and I thought maybe we were mature enough and ready for a relationship. After all, we knew each other better than anybody else knew us.... fast forward about 5 or 6 weeks. I found out I was pregnant. This was a HUGE shock.... but after a few days of crying and talking, Chad and I decided that it would be ok. We loved each other, we were best friends, and we would be ok. Two weeks later, I miscarried. We had told noone about the pregnancy. However, his mom knew us well enough to realize something was going on. So we confided in her. She was amazingly supportive, very loving. She helped us get through that. Other than her, nobody knows that we had gotten pregnant together.

Over the next couple of years, we were as close as ever. We each dated other people, but always joked that if we were both single at 25, we would marry each other. Our parents actually hoped we were serious. There were times when we'd spend days together, just laughing and being with each other. We got each other better than anyone else... some people thought Chad was a little bit of a jerk, but I think they just didn't quite understand his sense of humor.

Anyway... it's getting hard for me to talk about this anymore. So I will fast forward to the end. Chad died in July of 2001, in a small town rodeo. He was thrown off a bull, into a fence. He had major head trauma, and he hit at a weird time when his heart was between beats. He died immediately. I was in Ohio visiting a friend when it happened. My brother called out there, had me fly back early. All he would tell me was that it was a family emergency.

I did not go to the funeral. In fact, I didn't get out of bed for a week. My dad tried to help me, he drug me out to a therapist, but I wouldn't talk. I didn't say anything more than absolutely necessary for several months. Literally...... my dad was at his wits end. I refused to accept that it had happened. I even started lying to people, telling them that he was just out of town. When this got back to my dad, he tried talking to me about it, and I completely shut down. I buried it, and didn't talk about it to anyone.

Almost a year ago, I was two months into therapy for a different set of issues. I took a leap of faith, and confided in my therapist about Chad. He keeps mentioning that I need to deal with the grief, to work through it. He says all kinds of things about it, and I know he is a smart, competent person. But I can't seem to move forward. I refuse to give up this intense sadness, because it's all I have left of Chad. When the intense sorrow fades, I'm afraid the memories and the love with fade as well. I'm not sure if that makes sense.. I'm sure it probably sounds stupid, but I am afraid of NOT feeling this way. Without this, what do I have left of Chad? What if the memories fade?

Ok I need to stop rambling.

[leeann]

Amanda (((Hugs)))

It's ok... and I'm so glad you found us. And what you say makes absolute sense. Sure.. you are used to this sadness... the sadness has become what you have held onto of Chad.

We all do that. I did it too. But then I realized.... there's LOADS more of warm memories that I would prefer to hold on to as well. And I began to see that I felt better when I focused on other memories. And... I wanted to feel better. It took time to "want" that though. And.. really you have just began your grief journey so... be patient with yourself. You too will indeed want to feel better. You too will see & begin to focus onthe other wonderful blessings Chad was to you in your life. And... in my belief... I don't think he is gone. Your love for one another was very special and that didn't die. That still lives. Only Chad's body isn't here anymore.... but the rest of him resides within you as it always did.

I don't know.. but maybe since you kept much of this to yourself for so long.... it feels a bit scary to get it out in the open. I would think that's kinda normal. But now you are dong all the right things for yourself... You are sharing this loss with us. And also sharing truly a beautiful relationship that you experienced. Thanks for that... because I know for me... I always love to hear about these special connections human beings are capable of. ANd you and Chad were certainly what I would call special.

He was a blessing in your life while he was here in body. But his spirit, in my opinion, is still with you. And perhaps if you asked him to help you ... I'll bet he would... He was such a good friend. I'm sure he can help you walk this grief journey. Why not ask him?

In the meantime... please know that you will proceed on this at your own pace and grieve in your own way & time. We're here to help you in any way we can. So keep us posted.

And you will... someday... move forward ... exactly when you are ready.

leeann

[mlg]

Amanda

I'm glad you found this group finally. I'm just sorry you've had this bottled up in you for so long without a release valve.

If you could go back to some of the other posts, mine not too long ago you will find you are not alone in wanting to hold on to your grief. About a month ago I asked if anyone else felt that we held on to our grief because we were afraid if we let go that we would lose our loved one again. It is so hard to accept the fact that we will never see them again on this earth. It doesn't make any difference if you are married, significant other, parent, sibling, whatever, you have lost that person forever.

I don't know if it will help you but this group has helped me immensely because you can say ANYTHING here. I think besides Chad that you possibly never grieved the baby the two of you lost so you have double the amount of grief.

Did something recently upset you to send you in to such a strong depression. You mentioned a 2 year relationship, did it just recently end too?

You will find we tell people to just take baby steps and hopefully in time the steps will get bigger. It may just be getting out of bed and getting dressed at first. I have a feeling that you feel you should be beyond this but if you can't walk before you crawl and if you didn't do this before, you have to start somewhere. You have taken a good step by coming here. I hope you continue to come back.

Don't be afraid to look under some of the other topics for help. Sometimes you'll find help in the strangest places. You may find help in the loss of spouse threads and some people have comforting things in the poetry part and you might put music in the search engine if you like music to see some of the songs that have helped others.

Good luck to you on this journey.

[agd1017]

Did something recently upset you to send you in to such a strong depression. You mentioned a 2 year relationship, did it just recently end too?

My most recent relationship ended in December, but it was slowly falling apart for about 9 months before that. I think in times like these, when I'm lonely and sad and confused, I automatically go to thinking about Chad and how much I loved having him around. I know that during something like this, he would have made me feel better.

However, it's not just hard times that make me miss him. I always miss him. When the sun is shining and I'm enjoying a day at the lake, I think about Chad and miss him terribly, knowing how much fun he'd have there. When my nose is buried in a textbook and I'm studying for a final, I miss Chad and wish he were still here, because he would give me a fun distraction, by playing a game of one-on-one basketball for a little bit. When I'm curled up on the couch watching a scary movie, I always wish he were there for me to cuddle with, to hide my face into his arm.

I miss him every minute of every day, even over 7 years after he passed. I can't seem to let go of the pain, because it's yet another loss, and the first one nearly killed me. Is it possible that some people just don't recover from grief? Could I be one of those people who cannot deal with it? I just don't see how it's going to work.

[MartyT]

Amanda, dear, I want to point you to a lengthy and informed discussion that took place here a while ago that I hope you'll find helpful. Please take the time to read through all the posts in this thread: Complicated Grief Disorder

[WendyJ]

Amanda I am so sorry for your loss of Chad, your relationship with him reminds me so much of how mine was with my husband, then boyfriend Steve. We met when I was 15yrs old, he was 18. It was love at first site and I knew from the first minute I saw him that he was the one I would marry. We did the whole Prom thing and the dating scene and we also were never apart. When I was 21 we married and through the years we had 2 beautiful daughters and bought a home and had many hopes and dreams for the future. Sadly on March 7th of 2007 he was taken very suddenly from me from a blood clot that traveled to his heart, he was 51 at the time. Sadly also this coming tuesday would have been our 30th wedding anniversary and I will be spending it alone. So you see I do understand what you are going through even though mine was a much longer period of time because I remember all too well how strong our relationship was from the very beginning and would have been devastating even back then, like you and Chad we were soulmates. Let me tell you, you do have to go through the grieving process and as much as it hurts you have to let him go and rest. This by no means says that you will forget him or lose your memories, how could that be? Do you think I could forget all the memories I had with my husband after a total of over 30 years from the time we met ? Hell no !!! It has been 2 years now since he has been gone and I still have a hard time, how could I not and the closest people to me here know I have been through other personal hells since then and right now I am going through another but you have to somehow continue on and live, that is all they would want for us and we need to do that for them. If this were reversed and it were you that passed would you still want him going through what you are or would you want him to accept your death and go on with his life and be happy again and keep you alive in his heart with all the happy memories you two shared? If anything ask yourself that question okay? Please keep coming back to this group, without my family here I truly believe I would not have made it and we all will be here for you too.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Rachael_NI]

Hi Amanda

I have just read this post today. I am going through a similar complicated grief process from my mother's death which was 10 years ago. I have been depressed mostly this past 10 years and could never understand 'why' - I finally started going to counselling about 8 months ago, but it took me 5 months there before I realised that I had done no grieving at all for my loss.

Right now, I actually can't imagine that I will ever get over this either - I mean, really - 10 years have past and I am still sad most of the time - but I just have to have faith now that I am actualy dealing with the root cause of my sadness and that I WILL be happy again someday and be able to let go and move on. I think because I have spent the last 10 years being sad that I have just forgotten how to be any other way.

Time doesn't actually mean anything where feelings are concerned, they say time heals, but it doesn't really, not if you don't allow yourself to experience your emotions and just bury them somewhere.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what about your mother? I noticed you did not mention her in your posts? Was there any other loss of a loved one in your life before Chad? What I have realised is that each loss just opens up the old original wound, as well as adding the pain of the new loss to it, and we may not even notice that. eg the break up of a current relationship [even if it was not a significant one] often brings up a sense of loss that may seem way over-the-top in relation to what the loss actually is. This is quite funny actually - I was just out on my lunch break there and I went to a shop to buy a nice summer dress that I had seen last week - but it was gone - not even one size left, no trace of it, and the girls in the shop were unsure what I was talking about and they probably weren't getting anymore of that stock in. Well, I almost broke down over it! I felt the emotions welling up and the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes... what an overreaction to a silly piece of clothing, but of course it wasn't about that, it was reminding me of the loss I had before, when someone disappeared from my life with no warning and no chance to say good-bye, and when I was looking forward to having them so much in my future.

The giref is very raw for me now this past two months, and perhaps more so this past week as it was my mother's anniversary. I marked the day well, and I can't believe I have never even acknowledged that day before. Even the date of her funeral, I went back to the church, spent a while there outside recalling it all, and then drove the procession route to the graveyeard and stood there recalling it all too - and I cried so hard, it is actually amazing how raw it all is. In some respects it really feels like it only happened last week.

Yes its true, the grief really does just sit there waiting until we are ready to deal with it. It is scary, and it takes courage, but we all have an untold strength inside of us, and there is a deep sort of release that comes with letting yourself finally experience the pain, you will just know from deep inside you that this is where your heartache really lies. I can tell now when I am just crying 'tears', and when I am really crying the deep tears of grief.

I feel just from reading your posts that you are some how dimishing the very important relationship that you had with Chad - just because the relationship was never 100% 'official' or you didn't actually get married, doesn't mean that it was any less signifcant than two people who did marry. Maybe it is time to acknowledge what a major loss this actually was for you? Not only did you lose Chad, but you both lost a baby together, and you lost all the hope of a future with him - that is a lot of loss to deal with.

Please keep coming and posting here and sharing your journey with us, it really does help the more people you tell - as they all have their own little gems of wisdom to share, helping you move along in your grief process. When you said you have only told several people in your life about Chad, that is another sign that it is buried grief - we do not talk about the person that we lost, we just block it out and dont think of them or have any reminders around of them, and we try to tell ourselves that it was not that significant a loss really and perhaps we are just making a bigger deal out of it than it was... but we cannot cheat our feelings...

Sending you warm blessings

Rachael.

[valley]

Amanda,

Thank you for sharing your story, your love story. You and Chad shared so much, did so much, knew how to enjoy each other. As I read your story I was smiling at the joyful description of your meeting, at the love you shared. It is beautiful.

I loved like that too. My husband and I got to be together for 39 years and raise two children and his death 9 months ago is still unreal in so many ways. I understand your fear of losing Chad, his memory. I have felt that too, but have handled it not by not talking about my partner, but rather by talking about him. I want people around me to talk about Tom. I need that. I keep him alive in my life by seeing his things around me and talking to him and talking about him. Each time someone brings up his name in a conversation it thrills me. They miss him too. They loved him too.

Like you, I view so much of the world through my partners eyes...or our shared vision. It can be the smallest things. One of our plants come into bloom, and he is not here to marvel at it, to smell the fragrance. Grief is not easy and what I have learned from people on this site, it can be a long, long process, an up and down process. But sharing your feelings does help. Knowing that what you feel has been experienced in a similar way by other people, who then can encourage you to keep walking the path.

The way you speak of Chad tells me that he is very much with you. Like my Tom is with me. Take care and be gentle with yourself. I will be thinking of you.

Valley

[shyman]

This is my first time on this sight and I just want to say that being stuck for 8yrs is ok i have been stuck on & off for 31yrs I wish you all the best & really hope that you & your counsellor get on top of it. Please dont be put off by the fact that its been 31yrs for me.I witnessed my brother being run over by the school bus when i was 5yrs old, my brother was 7yrs old. I was not allowed to attend his funeral & was bullied about it for years afterwards. So please take care sorry for your loss, Shyman.

[Boo Mayhew]

Shyman

I am sorry that you have been suffering for so long. People can be so cruel sometimes.

Perhaps you'd like to start a new topic yourself, so that you get the replies and support that you need?

Boo

This is my first time on this sight and I just want to say that being stuck for 8yrs is ok i have been stuck on & off for 31yrs I wish you all the best & really hope that you & your counsellor get on top of it. Please dont be put off by the fact that its been 31yrs for me.I witnessed my brother being run over by the school bus when i was 5yrs old, my brother was 7yrs old. I was not allowed to attend his funeral & was bullied about it for years afterwards. So please take care sorry for your loss, Shyman.

[deborah ogren]

Amanda,

I just read our post and I would like to express my smpathy for Chad. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to greive for him. I lost my father when I was 17, and it took me almost 9 years berfore I finally knew I had to deal with issue. It wasn't easy because I had alot of guilt and regret and unslove issue realting to his death. On the 9 year I finally found myself going out to where the accident happened. I cried alot, let my mind go in a tail spin during that time.

I finally went to a theapist , and they put things in perspect for me, so I could finally move on with my life. I didn't realize that if I didn't let go of these thoughts, it would effect me all my life. I can now talk about him and the pain is gone. Sure I still miss him, he never got to see my son which is now grown or the three beatiful grandsons that I have.

I don't know if you believe in God, or in heaven. But I know when my time is over I be able to see my dad once again. I want to believe that if he is in heaven, he smiling looking down on me and see my life as it is. I believe also that Chad is looking down on you also, and I don't believe he would want you to be sad and hurt, he would want you to have a good life and be happy. I know that is easier said than done. I'm almost in my 6th month of greiving since losing my domestic partner for 25 years. The pain I feel is real, and brings back the feelings for my father.

I have managed to discard the bad meories, of him and only remember the good ones, this is how I keep him dear to my heart. There isn't a time frame on greving, you greive for as long as you must. I know you wont forget Chad, bescause he is and was a big part in your life. You just reach deep down in your heart and mind and you will know that he is still with you, not physcialy but his spirit is still there. I promise that things will be better for you if you concerate on the things that you and Chad had in common, the laughter you shared, the secerts, the joy, and every presious moment that was special, focus on these, because then you will always have him, you wont lose his meories if you keep him alive in your heart.

I hope I was able to shed some light for you. I will say a pray for you and ask God to help you come to terms with your loss. Keep posting , venting, because we are here for you. Hope to hear from you soon. Take care of yourself and remember God doesn't put anything that you can't handle. I believe this with all my heart.

Deborah

[Guest Whatnow?]

Amanda,

I know what you are feeling like, my loss was not nearly as great as yours because it was just of a boy friend who I had only been with for around two months, but I was very depressed at the time, and the pain felt too hard to deal with so I didn't. The problem was, by not dealing with it I made myself more and more depressed to the point that I was cutting nightly and thought about killing myself on many occasions. Dealing with loss is important, so trust your therapist and you will get through it!

best of luck

Sara

[kath]

However, it's not just hard times that make me miss him. I always miss him. When the sun is shining and I'm enjoying a day at the lake, I think about Chad and miss him terribly, knowing how much fun he'd have there. When my nose is buried in a textbook and I'm studying for a final, I miss Chad and wish he were still here, because he would give me a fun distraction, by playing a game of one-on-one basketball for a little bit. When I'm curled up on the couch watching a scary movie, I always wish he were there for me to cuddle with, to hide my face into his arm.

I miss him every minute of every day, even over 7 years after he passed. I can't seem to let go of the pain, because it's yet another loss, and the first one nearly killed me. Is it possible that some people just don't recover from grief? Could I be one of those people who cannot deal with it? I just don't see how it's going to work.

Dear Amanda,

I think your are one of those people that lost the love of their life and is finally allowing yourself to deal with your broken heart. I am so sorry for you. What you said about missing him even after 7 years is so familiar to me. Please read my poem titled "Why I Think of You" in the poetry section of this forum. I don't believe you will not recover from your grief. You will be forever changed because of it, but it is normal. You are normal. I'm glad you are able to finally talk about it and I am really glad you found us here.

Kath