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Good morning everyone,

I need some help/advice and can't ask anyone else but you all as you have been there and can share your experience strength and perhaps hope with me. I have just packed up all my summer clothes to make room for fall. The holidays are soon going to be upon us and this is my first without my best friend - . Our family was very close and Thanksgiving and Christmas we always such a happy time full of many traditions. We shopped at 4 in the morning the day after thanksgiving, purchased our tree that day, decorated every room in our house.. almost and loved entertaining, cooking and being with our kids.

So, now what? I cant stop from crying every time I think about it like a deadline that is coming my way and I cant escape it. I can't imagine taking down one single decoration, cooking one thing or shopping or wrapping. He's not here and that just stinks! I want to do the right thing for my boys but I don't know what that is. I want to go somewhere else but that will make me feel miserable too.

Can you share what you did the first major holiday without your loves? Do I make thinks like they were last year with the tree and all the trimmings? fake it..for the boys? run?

thanks for your help, I am feeling a lot of stress about this.

laurie

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Oh Laurieb,

I don't have any words of wisdom, I am in the same place with you. This will be the first without my love. For the past 31 years, we did exactly what you did, same time line. And I like you am so scared of facing them. We have a 28 year old so, that part is different. But I have no idea what to do. Plan 1 is to get out of dodge somewhere different, but I can't seem to make a decision as to where. Plan 2 is to hide away the whole time. My thoughts and hopes are with you. I'm not sure of anything anymore, but I do know no matter where we are we will miss them and we will get through it.

Hugs

Phyllis

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Laurie, I too am facing my first Christmas and New Year without Cliff, so am unsure what to say ... I am hoping to go to a muslim country actually so that I can escape the whole thing, but need to think about this some more, as it may not be the answer for me, and I have had a couple of invitations, here and abroad but don't know how I feel about that because I don't want to ruin their days. To be honest, the thought terrifies me. It overwhelms me. But I need to think about it ... please let us know if you make a decision as I'd be interested to know ...

Hopefully some of the oldies may have some ideas, or can share what did or did not work for them?

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Laurie- and Boo - the first Thanksgiving I got a lot of invitations from friends to share in their meal. I just couldn't do it. I was only 4 months out, and 15 minutes of talking with people was all I could manage. I ended up cooking my ass off, going for a walk on the beach, and just getting through the day. This is only me. I'm in NC, and my family is in upstate NY, NJ, and California, so there was no going there. All I know is everything Joe and I ever did went out the window. But then again I'm the type of person who, when wounded, retreats into her cave - so again, this is very personal to each of us. Boy, didn't this sound optimistic! For the boys, Laurie, do what you can do, but try not to re-create - perhaps starting a different tradition, with just you and your boys, just downsized a bit. hugs, marsha

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Laurie,

This has been stressing me out too. My husband loved Halloween. That is also around the time his cancer was diagnosed. He had 5 children from a prior marriage. We always had the youngest. It was always a hastle to try to figure out when the kids would be where. Our house was always the central location for all the extended family, maybe because we tried to pull it together for everyone. Well now that he is gone, I don't know if I will even see any of his kids. I haven't been able to even see the one that I raised for the last 5 years. To all of a sudden not have either my husband or little boy around during this time just seems unbearable. I too thought of running away, but where can you run from this emptyness. Being around other familys seems like it would be torture. I want to decorate out of respect and in memory of him, we loved it so much. He had such an unhappy marriage before, and I had been single for so long. We both just loved doing the traditional family stuff that we had both missed out on. Because we had both missed out on "typical family" stuff, we appreciated it and never took a single thing for granted. No one in the family knows what to do with him gone. His leaving changed the dinamics of the entire extended family. I don't have a clue what to do. All that I know is that I am scared to death!!

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Hi Laurie.

I know what you mean. Our heart during the holidays is very much wrapped around our spouses and the times we spent with them. So much that, it doesn't make sense to even attempt a poke at happiness for us or anyone. Well, with kids, I wasn't able to curl into a ball or retreat to a cabin alone somewhere like I felt I should. I can say that things were toned down a lot. I made a small turkey dinner for the three of us (using a can opener for most of it) and turned down other invitations so I wouldn't drag anyone down with me. I set Bob's plate with a candle and said a prayer for him with the kids. It kept him present during the "festivities" and had us share our favorite memory about their dad. I've been told if you do go someplace, to have a plan A, B, C and D (all of which include a get-away vehicle.)

Christmas came much too quick and I didn't think I could muster anything. I managed to set up the tree and dragged up the decorations. The rest was done by the kids. I didn't even care if everything ended up on one branch at waist height. I didn't think I would be able to even look at the ornaments as we had bought a special ornament for each year we were together. While I looked on, and told the story of our life with my two, I realized again, that those memories will go on forever.

What I did that I was most pleased with was a special memory wreath. I bought the biggest wreath I could find and put it in our tiny living room. Then we brainstormed together and went on a hunt all over the house to find things that reminded us of their dad's favorte things. We had matchbox Wheaties cars, small pictures of him with each of us, crystal pendants, a wolf magnet, a small toy sleeping bag, etc. We hung his stocking and used it as his "mail bag." Whenever we missed him or needed to talk, we would write a note or draw a picture and put it in the stocking. On Christmas day we had a big bonfire in his honor and if we wanted, burned our letters so the smoke would carry our words to heaven. (My daughter put hers in her box of memories.) Bob had always joked about Christmas tacos, and I thought, "Why not?" They're easy, the kids love them and they have red and green vegies so they fit the season! The wreath stayed up until May when it was nothing but wire. Then my son very carefully boxed up those "ornaments" and stored them away for the next year. It turned out that keeping some of the old memories and creating new ones worked the best for us.

I guess, we just have to expect that there will be tears. But the beauty of children is that they see things differently than us. By watching and listening, I think we can learn a lot. It is also incredibly hard not to laugh with them.

I also found it best not to look too far into the future. It gets really overwhelming really quickly. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And please know, there will always be someone here to listen if you need it.

Love,

Kath

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Hi, I'm probably not the one to answer this because I still struggle with the holiday season.

September is my birthday, Oct. Halloween where we decorated, dressed in costumes and Larry loved it. November is his birthday and he died the day before his birthday, Nov. is Thanksgiving which I have not cooked for since his death. And then of course Christmas, I've not put up a tree, we always went and purchased a real tree, hundreds of lights and lots of family to see. I still cannot bear to look at the decorations and during the holidays I pretty much feel sick to my stomach. It will never be the same, ever. His parents have gone on a cruise every anniversary of his death, they can't bear to be here. Once again I will go to the cemetary alone and remember him.

This time of year is nothing but pain for me, so I hope someone else posts with some better advice on coping. Deborah

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The first year without my wife at Thanksgiving and Christmas was a major pain. My son however was 7 at the time and I knew I had to do right by him so I put the tree up. I didn't do as much decorating as Karen did but at least I did some and I know he was glad I did. For Thanksgiving, Karen always did the stuffing and it was her mother's receipe. I was the only one left that knew how to make it since her mother has passed on 8 years before. So I also had to make the dressing. Since then I have involved my son in the making of it and the decorating of the tree. I have been through 3 holiday seasons now and I will tell you they will get better.

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I think you just have to do what you are comfortable with. I just couldn't put up a tree last year even though Tom hated Christmas decorations and it would have been my chance to do what I wanted. Our ornaments kind of told the story of our life and the things we had done together and I just couldn't bear it.

Don't put added stress on yourself. If you start doing it and it doesn't feel right then stop and wait for next year.

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God Bless all of you...

why cant we all have a plan and one that will work for all of us? I loved some of the ideas that Kath had. How special and wonderful. I can share that the love and dedication that I have for my (our) boys will force me and help to get out of myself and strive to do what ever I can for them to help them. My heart is still just so raw and broken that nothing in the world can help me look forward to this Holiday. NOTHING! my best friend in the entire world is not here to share the happiest and most spiritual time of the year so I will fake it like I do everything else in life these days. there is no joy..none.

I will probably still shop the day after thanksgiving, I will not accept any invitations as I am no company for anyone, I will bake for my boys because they love it but I won't cook dinner and other than a tree, I will not decorate festively because we are all grieving and there is no place for festivities at this time. I wish I could get to the point of finding some laughter ... I look forward to that someday. Today is six months without him and perhaps that is why i am feeling so sad.. I really just want this all to be a bad dream! why can't it? we had everything and now nothing..

thanks

laurie

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Oh Laurie, how well I remember that dilemma...I lost my husband on Father's Day, and wasn't up to the 4th of July, tried to ignore Labor Day (which was always a big thing in my family), no one remembered my birthday, somehow I got through our anniversary, I managed for Thanksgiving and Christmas, made it through New Year's and Valentine's Day (don't ask me how)...somehow when I got to Easter I major rebelled! I did NOT feel like putting on a front for yet another holiday and just felt I could NOT take it any more! My son said "Don't do Easter, then, do Christmas if you want or ignore it altogether, whatever you want, we'll be behind you!" So I ignored it. I didn't go to church (which I always attended), I didn't have family over or fix a big dinner, I just totally ignored it. The next weekend I had my kids up for a big dinner (NON-Easter) and no mention was made of Easter.

I say, do whatever you want, however you can get through it, do that. Give yourself permission to and be kind to yourself...this is hard.

My prayers are going to be with everyone on this site over the holidays, each and every one.

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Dear Laurie,

I know there is no happiness or feeling of anything festive during this time. What I did with my kids wasn't easy and it wasn't shared with anyone but us. I went to Bob's brother's house on Christmas day and it was horrible. There was no mention of his name at all, by his own family. When I said something about him, there was no response. That to me, was worse than anything. How could they not acknowledge him? I know they were grieving and just trying to get through, but making that effort in our home to keep him close in thought and action, truly helped all of us. My kids were only 9 and 10 at the time. I couldn't go into a store without getting ill. We didn't have many gifts, but we had each other and that is just something I refuse to let go of.

I wish I could give you a hug right now. Six months is a horrible time. Please be gentle with yourself as you try to get through each day. The holidays come and go and most get washed up in the struggle to survive the aloneness. I remember it feeling so cruel that holidays and music and all the rest could continue in a world without Bob. It was so wrong. Do only what you need to do, Hon.

Kath

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I do remember that first Christmas (which hit at my six months mark) not feeling up to decorating, buying presents, etc. I didn't send out cards, I didn't make fudge or cookies, I bought my adult kids each one present, and my son went out and got a tree so he put it up and I helped my daughter decorate it. They understood I wasn't up to stuff and didn't expect much...I think they were hoping to cheer me up but really, it wasn't happening. Basically I let them do what they felt like and I was just there.

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Hi Laurie,

I'm sorry for your loss. I remember all to well how hard all the 'firsts' without my husband were. I've been on this grief path for 8 yrs now.

When my husband died (Jan 21, 2002) I was 38 and had 3 children aged 10, 8 and 6 yrs old. All 3 very much into Santa and all that went with it.

I can honestly tell you that I had no desire what so ever to celebrate anything. I am whammied beginning Oct. Each year with all the birthdays and holidays that he played such a huge part in. Halloween.. trick or treating with the kids as a family, both our birthdays in Nov and Thanksgiving, Christmas, new years and then his anniversary.

That first christmas I kept it rather low key. Yes, we put up a tree but instead of ornaments (my husband collected antique ornaments and I didn't have the stamina to put them out) we decorated the tree with photos of the kids, family etc.. the kids made paper chains and popcorn balls and we hung those as well. Santa did come... it was a night with a bottle of wine and the wrapping paper and a box of kleenex while I put the presents out.... The kids were up early and happy with their gifts... but then my daughter asked why Santa forgot to bring me a gift and why was my stocking empty. That was one lesson I learned...buy myself a gift for under the tree and fill my stocking..not fun and merry but necessary. Now my kids each buy me a gift!

We spent the morning with the inlaws and then went to my sister's for dinner and the day.

I can tell you though that the days preceeding any holidays are always harder than the actual day. We spend time anticipating the sadness of it and when it arrives, we've spent the sad energies already. Yes, there are some tears and sadness but for me they were not overwhelming.

In later years, I started our own new traditions. We now have a glass pickle that the kids seek hidden in the tree and that person gets to hand out gifts. We also choose 3 families and leave a holiday basket on their steps... usually its someone in town we know who needs a little help or cheer during the season. We give back as much as we can to so many who held our hands during our grief.

I found a small ceremony that we perform now at the table called the Candle Wreath ceremony. I'll post it another time for anyone interested. Its a way to bring your loved one into the celebration of the day in a very meaningful way.

I send my heartfelt hugs to you as you find your way along this path of grief.

Lisa

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Lisa

Your post was truly touching and helped me very much. Thank you. :) I think your right. the anticipatory thoughts are so horrible right now. The boys and I are going to sit and talk to see where we are all at and what will suite us. We don't have any family around us at all. I didn't realize until your post that it is probably the series of dates that start with November that are all hitting me. November is our sons 18th birthday, then thanksgiving, then christmas, new years, his birthday, our anniversary....yuck! where is the hole that I can hid my head in?

thank you

Laurie

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Halloween and Christmas are coming up, both occasions that Scott loved. And they should have been our first together as a new family with our daughter. So I know some things that I will do, to honour both his memory and our daughter, and to keep me sane. But I will let other things happen, or not, as it seems fit. For Halloween, I will have a jack-o-lantern (Scott loved them), and will dress up our daughter in the cutest Halloween sleeper and cap that our aunt bought her. Beyond that, I don't know.

For Christmas, for my sanity, I need to be both with his family and with mine. In fact, Scott's mom is planning to have Christmas dinner at her place for the first time in 18 years since her husband died. And I know it is because her new granddaughter will be there. We talk about Scott all the time, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. And I want my daughter to be with her 2 cousins (Scott's sister's kids), as I feel it is very important for her (and them) to spend time together. So we will go to Scott's mom's place for Christmas. And then sometime after that, I will go to be with my family (this is another cross Canada undertaking - hope Kailyn is still a good traveller!). I just need to be with them. As for our apartment, I don't know about decorations - I will deal with that when the time comes. But the hardest part will undoubtedly be Christmas Eve and morning. We loved buying each other presents and filling the socks. I will miss that till the day I am reuinited with my love. He always tried to get me to open one present on Christmas Eve, though I would always want to save them all till the morning. Ouch, my heart is aching just thinking about it...

So far, I have found that the time leading up to these significant dates have been heartwrenching. And then the day itself has been okay to bearable to almost enjoyable at times. I believe he is giving me strength at these times.

Korina

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