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Hello

I have been reading your messages and words of support and feel that this may be the only place where people understand how I feel. I lost my husband four weeks ago to a brain haemorrhage - four days from it striking to his death. It was sudden, devastating and unexpected. He was 67 and fit and strong.

Ours was a long and loving marriage (32 years) and we cherished every day together. Our life was full with family and friends and each other and although they everyone has wonderful to me, now none of my former life has any meaning.

I thought I was strong and independent (he made me that way) but he wouldn't believe how I am feeling now. I can't think straight and returning to work is out of the question - yet people keep telling me it would be a good thing. and not really 'coping'.

I can't see my way through this. I go out when asked because I want to try and come to terms with this huge loss but I wonder if I'll ever feel good again.

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Hi Susie,

I am pretty new to this site, but I wanted to say hello after reading your posting. I am sorry about the loss of your husband. There are many nice people on this site who are very understanding. Their words are a great comfort to me

when I am having a bad day. Some days will be better than others with alot of crying which is very normal.

I lost my husband a year ago last july.

No one can tell you when to return to work it is your decision because everyone grieves differently.

You will feel better one day but it does take time.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Hi Susie,

I want to offer you my deepest condolences on your sudden loss. That's a tough, toough thing to go through. Such a shock.

My husband died three weeks ago yesterday after a 14 month battle with kidney cancer. And somehow when you know it is coming you fool yourself into thinking that in some way you are prepared for it. But you're not. At least it turns out I wasn't.

I had started a thread asking for responses from members about returning to work. I read all the input, which I really appreciated, and then sat and talked with my family. I am about to turn 64, and was working part time 4 days a week.

Like you, I just absolutely could not fathom going back to work in this condition. And I would have had to return in another week. I made the decision and called my employer just this past Thursday and told them I am going to retire at this time.

I don't know how old you are, but I'd say factor age, along with your financial situation into the equation. I've decided I want to spend more time with my grandchildren, go visit and stay with my only sister who lives on the West coast, and just relax and read some books.

Of course, the past 14 months were very, very draining on me and right now I feel kind of like I've run a very long marathon. So I think I need to just recover in addition to making my way through this initial grief.

My thoughts are that if and when I get bored I will do volunteer work, take a class or visit friends and family. I have worked all my life, since the day my youngest entered first grade. I'm ready for a rest!

My prayers are with you,

DeeGee

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Susie, firstly let me say how sorry I am that you have lost your husband only four weeks ago. You have indeed come to the right place. It is a safe place where you can say what you feel, with the knowledge that others here know what you fear and feel.

One of the first things I learned (my husband died suddenly from a stroke nine months ago) was not to listen to other's well-intentioned advice, unless they had already walked in my shoes. The next thing I learned was to be patient with myself. You will know when you are ready to tackle different things, whether it's returning to work, going grocery shopping, paying a bill, getting dressed or household chores. Only you can know this, so it makes what they say moot really. I don't mean to be nasty to them, it's just a fact. The third thing I learned was to stop fighting the emotions, which is hard to do because it is an instinct almost to fight the pain ... but with this, it's different. When you stop fighting the pain and let it engulf you sometimes, it's "easier work", not easier per se... you simply end up expending less energy and time fighting something you cannot fight.

It's such early days for you ... you are in shock really. It feels surreal, like a nightmare. I questioned my sanity on many occasions.

All you should focus on is eating a little each day, sleep when you can sleep (even if it's in the morning!), breath, cry whenever you want, go silent if you wish, talk about it, talk lots and talk on here - this helped me and so many others more than I can explain to be honest. Do what you need to do to get through this time.

We are here for you and we will listen. We will reassure you that what you are doing or thinking is normal, not crazy.

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Susie - - I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your husband. My husband, Stephen, died the same day that Boo lost her husband. I can only agree with everything she has said - - especially to do want you want and only what you feel you are able to do. The only thing thing that is a must, is to do your best to take care of yourself through this awful time.

Kathy

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Dear Susie,

I, too, am very sorry for your loss. As others have said, this is very exhausting and it is so important that you take good care of yourself right now. It is always so hard to see a new person join this site, because it brings back those initial feelings of twisted heartache and gut wrenching despair. What helps is talking about your spouse. All those that have advice may have good intentions and want to help, but unless they have traveled this road, it is difficult to fully understand. Please talk here when you are ready. Until then, know that we send you very heartfelt hugs.

Kath

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I'm sorry for your loss, it is undoubtedly the hardest thing you'll ever experience. You have found a good place to come to, there are many caring people here, you're not alone. Please keep posting, it's good to get it out and express what you're feeling and going through.

I wish you the best,

Kay

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Susie

I too join in sharing my condolences to you. This is such a difficult time as you are in such shock. It sounded like you had a wonderful life together full of fond memories. I lost my husband in a shocking way too and it does take some time to get through. There wasn't any goodbye's and although I wouldn't trade it for those who have had to watch the love of their lives suffer in pain... it is just too hard and unfair all around. I hope you can take all the time you need and that you reach out to others like all of us on this forum to be there for you and keep writing. It was, and is, a great source of comfort to me. I would journal every night to Scott and I received some peace from that.

Sending hugs and prayers to you

Laurie

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Hi Susie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. The loss being sudden must be so much more difficult although the end result is the same. We are all grieving. We are all here for the same reason; we have lost someone that we hold dear to out hearts. I thought I would be ready for the loss of my fiance Tom as he battled esophogheal cancer for a year. I thought I would be ready when one doctor told him less than 3 months. I wasn't. I was a "train wreck" when Tom passed 3 months ago and some days I still am. I and our friends are spreading his ashes on October 3rd. For some reason I have always had it my mind that this action will be a bridge for me in order to begin to heal although I know I have some "bandaides" already. Some days they "stick", some days they don't. I think we all do it in our own way, in our own time, there is no right way and there is no wrong way and no one is judging you. You do what you feel is right for you. That may be for the day, that may be for the hour, that may for the next 10 minutes. Whatever works and keep writing, it will help as it has helped me a great deal. Paula

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Paula,

I'm very sorry to hear of your lost. It has been only six months since I lost my domestic partner of 25 years. Deb died also with esophogheal cancer. I live here in Phoenix also. I was like you in a way, I didn't handled it very well. She fought the disease for 10 long months. Even tho I thought I was preared for her Death, I was only kidding myself. I don't think you really can be preapred for death.

I was her total caregiver and in Feb I had a stroke and was hospitalize for 15 days. It was almost 30 days after the stroke I lost her. It seems at times it is get harder but other times I feel than I'm handling things, and then there are times I really don't know what I feel, or what I'm doing. So please keep posting, because other will help you through the journary.

I'll say some prays for you. Take care of your self.

Deborah (deborahogren@Q.com)

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Thank you all for your wonderful words. They make me cry and feel stronger at the same time. I am sorry that you too have experienced this pain and despair but your insight is a great help to me.

I'm struggling through each day and mostly can keep the worst times for when I am alone - a little progress perhaps.

I know what he would be telling me now: he'd be gently telling me to stay positive,rejoin the world and accept help when needed but without him I can't seem to find meaning in any of the things that filled our lives. I feel like I had the best of lives and now I have no life. I haven't said that to anyone because it would devalue them, but it is how I am feeling. So good to be able to share it.

He was 10 yrs older than me but so fit and strong - such a shock for everyone. And like everyone on this site has said - I too just can't believe he's gone.

His memorial service was a wonderful tribute that reflected a life filled with love, both given and reveived, and the dignity he afforded everyone. He was an organ donor as per his lifetime request and that has added another dimension that will be of comfort later, I'm sure.

Thank you again. It's been helpful to have found you...Susie Q

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Susie:

I can only echo the words of others who have replied to your post. It sounds as though you had a wonderful life together with your husband. I lost my husband just over 3 months ago, and though he wasn't well previously, this was so unexpected, and I still feel as though I have been hit by a train. I find comfort occasionally in the words of a friend, basically saying that we had a love affair that not everyone can claim. Also, I imagine him watching over myself and our 7 1/2 month old daughter (our guardian angel). As someone else has already mentioned, writing can be theraputic. I write letters to Scott very often.

Take care of yourself and keep coming back to this forum. Grief is exhausting, and the people here really understand.

Korina

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I just joined this forum yesterday and already I feel a need to communicate. Your loss is even newer than mine. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost Duke 7/8/09. We were on our motorcycle and a car hit us. Duke had a severe leg injury but made it through the operation but a day later a blood clot lodged in his heart. I have been trying to heal both my heart and my body I had a broken tibia, fractures of my spine T8, T9, subarachnoid hemorrage, and numerous bruising and road rash. I hope you remain to be strong and we will both move forward with the help on this group.

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