kimi Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Hi everyone its been 4 months now it feels like forever well yesterday I had to go to dr. appt. for xray oh my gosh Ifelt like I lost him all over again I didnt realize the place I had to go was right across the street where I took Dave for chemo,right before I got to that street I said to myself kim you can do it but as soon as I did oh my gosh I couldnt stop crying it felt like he died yesterday,well i put my sunglasses on for my appt and the lady says are you ok I said no but i had to keep apt,I wasnt about to come back again anyways came home and cried and slept for 4 hrs.I guess we never know when its gonna hit you but it hit real hard.Any one have any good names for books i can read I just read the shack it was a good book and I dont even like to read.Take care just needed to vent.Thank God I found this wonderful support group.God Bless you all-kimi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Kimi, dear, no, you never know when something will trigger a "STUG" (sudden temporary upsurge of grief), and when it hits, it does indeed feel as if you've lost your beloved all over again. You might appreciate this article about grief bursts, Grief Happens: Taking the Risk to Bloom After a Loss. (When you get to the page, scroll down a bit until you come to the article.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherry - Author/Speaker Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Kimi, I've not lost my spouse but I have lost other loved ones. The hardest one being one of my grandchildren. I remember one time finding a roll of film in my drawer a couple of months after he had died. I had no idea what was on it. When I went to pick the order up at our Hy-Vee grocery store I opened it up anxious to see what was on that film. It was pictures of him. I just started crying hysterically. I couldn't help myself. But I had been holding back too many tears trying to "be strong" for the family. But I found out that, that is not good for you either. Grief is grief and you need to let it out. And don't ever let anyone tell you that there is a time frame that you should be over it either. Yes, we all need to move on but we also need to have our time to grieve in our own way. I do believe the first year was the hardest for me because of all the "firsts" ie. first Christmas, first birthday, etc. So when your bursts of tears come, let them come. Believe me, others will understand and if they don't - oh, well they probably have never been in your spot. I had a boss at the time of my grandchld's death. He was in his late 40's and never experienced a family or friend death and it was real hard for him to understand what I was going thru. I am truly sorry for your loss. It must feel like a part of you is gone. That is what my mom says any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrspapajohn Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Kimi - - I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. I know exactly how you felt when you saw the healthcare facility that provided care for your husband. My husband was under the care of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale and about six months after he died, I had to go to the same clinic for care. When I pulled into the parking lot, I said to myself, "I can do this," but when I got to registration I just lost it. There seem to be reminders everywhere that bring back a lot of that initial raw pain. I can't even drive with the car radio on for fear that I'll hear a song that will remind me of Stephen. Not that I ever forget him; he is constantly with me, or on my mind, but some things just seem to ignite the pain and make it so very sharp. Please return here and let us know how you're doing. Kathy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurieb Posted September 30, 2009 Report Share Posted September 30, 2009 Hi Kimi Gosh I am so sorry, I could almost feel your pain in your post.. we all can. grief is love. and the more we loved, the more grief we are going through.. At six months I still have moments that I cry so hard that I can bearly breath... how can one spend 26 years loving someone and have 4 or 6 months alone and just be OK.. its just not possible and I'm over pretending.. I do the best I can but allow myself to have those moments... that is the biggest revelation for me. I didn't feel like I deserved it. the rest of the world.. my friends, co-workers and family thought I should be over it so I guess I should have... NO! He was and is the love of my life and the process is long and very very hard. I have not come out on the other side yet. Sunglasses are a blessing... I have several books on my nightstand and I journal regularly. Widow to widow has been a great book for me. and I attend a grief share support group at our church weekly.. www.griefshare.org to see if there is a group in your area. keep writing ... hugs laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredzgirl Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Oh, Kimi ... that's tough. It surprises me sometimes because I think that I've gotten over it, then it sneaks up on me. I drove past the hospital where Fred died a couple of weeks ago. I was going to a restaurant in an area I don't frequent. I was in the car with some of my family. I was talking with my daughter when I looked up and noticed where I was. I had to breathe deeply so I wouldn't sob but the tears still flowed. This is hard. I hope you will find moments of peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi Had a moment today as a matter of a fact. Was driving down the highway to go to my neighbor's dad's visitation and the song, I Love you more today than yesterday (not sure if that's really the title) came on and I lost it but screamed it out between the blubbering and the tears going down the road. I just knew I had to get myself composed before I went in the church and did. Sunglasses are wonderful but sometimes you have to take them off. Don't know if my eyes were still red but figured they'd just think I was upset for them. You are doing just fine. In my grief support they say it takes 3-5 years for most people. Some people do it in less time, some in more. We just have to walk in our own shoes and until someone has walked in them they shouldn't give you any flack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 I have been having a rough couple of days, too. Everything seems to remind me of Scott - I am just feeling so much sadness. In fact, my eyes were quite puffy when I woke up this morning. A book that I have found helpful is "Healing After Loss - Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman (she lost her daughter). Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 I'm trying to figure out what to do with all of my wife's stuff (clothes, jewelry,the way the house is detailed with her little touches. Everything in the house reminds me of her but I still can't bring myself to move anything out. Anyone have this issue? Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ted, dear ~ have you seen this post? My Mom's Passing See also I Think It's Time But Not Sure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ted You do it on YOUR time frame and yours only. Only you can decide when and if the time is right. You are still so new to this journey. All I can tell you is that I gave a couple of Tom's things away while I was still in the "fog" and now wish I had at least one of them back. I wanted to give it to my grandson and I know it would mean more to him than to whomever I gave it to. I don't know if you have children or not but you may want to let them pick or you pick something special for each of them and grandchildren (even if for later). It has been almost 2 years for me and I have given very little away. Most of it is exactly how he left it. It's not that I have it as a shrine but it's mainly clothes and they are in the closet and drawers. I know that I will have all the t-shirts for the Final Four and Illini made into a quilt and the same thing for the Cardinals but right now they still give me comfort and they will stay there as long as I need them. It would really upset me to go to an empty 1/2 of a closet and the things aren't bothering anybody so why upset me. On the other hand if they are upsetting you maybe you could get someone who is close to you help you go through them so at least you don't have to look at so much. I guess it depends on if it is comfort or torture. Enough of my rambling. Good luck in your decision Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanneC Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi: You never know when these bouts of grief are going to hit you. 1 year and 3 months for me. Boy, I notice that we all seem to know how long our loved ones are gone. My best friend from Florida who has lived in NY her whole life came for a visit to stay with me for a week. We had a wonderful time together and I kind of forgot about what has happened in the past few years. I don't think anybody really means to purposely upset us, but sometimes things are said that just trigger something. I am trying to get my house in order (rennovating) and it is coming along slowly. But with working and the cost of rennovating and also the grieving that I am still dealing with, these things take time. My friend would say, this needs to be done and that needs to be taken care of. Like I don't know this. She also complained constantly about the traffic and condition in NY. Also, people forget that everything you do now is done alone. Yes, you might have your children and parents, but basically you are alone and that is hard when you have been with someone for a number of years. Some on this site have been with their spouses half of their life. So, Kimi, grieving is a long process and it might never end. We just deal with it better as time goes on. Love and God Bless Jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi - I'm kind of like Kathy, in that I've tried to avoid places, situations, music that I KNOW will be a trigger. They come anyway, and sometimes from left field. I had a mini-meltdown this morning, at work (while I was still alone, thank G-d). I think I was remembering the dream I had last night - Joe was in it, and we were holding hands, something we always did. It brought up such a feeling of loss, such yearning. It's hard. I've read the book that Korina mentioned, and recommend it highly. In fact, I kept renewing it over and over again (from the library), and re-reading it. Ted, like Mary Linda, aside from certain items I gave away to Joe's kids, all of his clothes are in the closet. Only this past weekend did I go through his T-shirt drawer. And even that, and I'm at 15 months, made my heart heavy. I will deal with what I can when I can, and only then. Like you asked on another thread, there surely is no manual. Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurieb Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ted, please give yourself some time.. this is very difficult and the saying..." when you don't know what to do .. don't do anything".. or... "doing nothing sometimes is doing something".. sounds crazy but you will know and feel when it is time. there are so many things that you are dealing with and you need to be gentle with yourself. drink lots of water and take it slow and easy. just breathing can be a chore when you are in that pain. take it a minute at a time.. time is what we have.. unfortunately, but we do.... journal, getting massages, taking walks.. (sometimes through the mall) watching sitcoms on tv to change the mood or painful thoughts .. even if it is briefly.. sometimes we have to "move a muscle and change a thought" because, I like, Korina, have times when the walls are coming in on me and I miss Scott so very much. I just can't believe he isn't here.. God I love him. I don't feel well and this is the first time since he has been gone that i just realize that there really isn't anyone here to care that I don't feel well. it stinks!! I want him back so bad... take care laurie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Oh, Kimi ... that's tough. It surprises me sometimes because I think that I've gotten over it, then it sneaks up on me. I drove past the hospital where Fred died a couple of weeks ago. I was going to a restaurant in an area I don't frequent. I was in the car with some of my family. I was talking with my daughter when I looked up and noticed where I was. I had to breathe deeply so I wouldn't sob but the tears still flowed. This is hard. I hope you will find moments of peace. yes it really does sneak up on you huh,I just wanted to run and come home,it hurt so bad,Thank you for your support it really helps when everyone else understands what were going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeGee Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Oh, Kimi, So sorry you are going through this. And so sorry I am too. My husband was gone 4 weeks on Saturday. I seemed to be progressing, not crying as much and was actually sleeping a little better but the last two nights the sleep is all messed up again and I am once again crying pretty much on and off throughout the day. I realize I am new in this and I suppose I thought it would be a steady progression but now I can surely see that it is not. As for the disposal of John's things, I already regret that I allowed his son to take as many of his things as I did on the afternoon of his funeral. I should have taken some time on that, I can see that now. But what's done is done. I am not planning on disposing of anything else for a good long time. But I suppose there are some who may feel differently about this. Kimi, hang in there. I know what you mean about missing him so much! It is like I am in this phase of being constantly on alert, waiting to hear his car pull into the driveway, waiting to her the front door open. And it is not happening. But I am still listening, listening for it. DeeGee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Laurie, Thank you and yes your right noone has the right to tell us when to stop gieving,He was my soul mate for 20 years and to watch this terrible disease take him from me is so painful,We will survive in time,thank you and take care of yourself-always kimi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ted, I am having Cliff's clothes made into a quilt. Please see the blogs that relate to this: www.renaissanceartist.blogspot.com www.myspace.com/recycled jeans in case you are interested. I just could not face throwing them away or giving them away, so for me this works. I wish you luck in your decision, because it is a difficult one, I know. I'm trying to figure out what to do with all of my wife's stuff (clothes, jewelry,the way the house is detailed with her little touches. Everything in the house reminds me of her but I still can't bring myself to move anything out. Anyone have this issue? Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Mayhew Posted October 1, 2009 Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi, I'm sorry for the shock of finding yourself in the area that brought back such vivid memories for you. I too had an experience of this and started shaking so much that a nurse in the hospital came over to check that I was ok. It's hard to describe ... but yes, it brought it all back so vividly it was so hard, and affected me badly for a while after. Please rest and do what you can to bring yourself back to where you left off. You will. You have made some progress even if it doesn't feel like it. You have. You will get back there I promise you. Please come back and tell us how you are doing. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi, dear, no, you never know when something will trigger a "STUG" (sudden temporary upsurge of grief), and when it hits, it does indeed feel as if you've lost your beloved all over again. You might appreciate this article about grief bursts, Grief Happens: Taking the Risk to Bloom After a Loss. (When you get to the page, scroll down a bit until you come to the article.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Thank you Marty I will go look at it God Bless you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi, I've not lost my spouse but I have lost other loved ones. The hardest one being one of my grandchildren. I remember one time finding a roll of film in my drawer a couple of months after he had died. I had no idea what was on it. When I went to pick the order up at our Hy-Vee grocery store I opened it up anxious to see what was on that film. It was pictures of him. I just started crying hysterically. I couldn't help myself. But I had been holding back too many tears trying to "be strong" for the family. But I found out that, that is not good for you either. Grief is grief and you need to let it out. And don't ever let anyone tell you that there is a time frame that you should be over it either. Yes, we all need to move on but we also need to have our time to grieve in our own way. I do believe the first year was the hardest for me because of all the "firsts" ie. first Christmas, first birthday, etc. So when your bursts of tears come, let them come. Believe me, others will understand and if they don't - oh, well they probably have never been in your spot. I had a boss at the time of my grandchld's death. He was in his late 40's and never experienced a family or friend death and it was real hard for him to understand what I was going thru. I am truly sorry for your loss. It must feel like a part of you is gone. That is what my mom says any way. Thank you sherry and I am so sorry about your losses to, my heart goes out to you and everyone else going through this, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimi Posted October 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 1, 2009 Kimi - - I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. I know exactly how you felt when you saw the healthcare facility that provided care for your husband. My husband was under the care of the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale and about six months after he died, I had to go to the same clinic for care. When I pulled into the parking lot, I said to myself, "I can do this," but when I got to registration I just lost it. There seem to be reminders everywhere that bring back a lot of that initial raw pain. I can't even drive with the car radio on for fear that I'll hear a song that will remind me of Stephen. Not that I ever forget him; he is constantly with me, or on my mind, but some things just seem to ignite the pain and make it so very sharp. Please return here and let us know how you're doing. Kathy Thank you Kathy yes like you I havent been able to listen to the radio either or watch our sports,We went to mayo clinic to for short time,our insurance didnt cover but anyways we had dr.castle.Take care and let me know how you are too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 In regards to Scott's clothes, etc, I have no idea when/what I am going to do with them. However, I do know that there are certain items I will definitely be keeping. My first instinct after his death was that I would be clearing things out. Thank goodness all I did was remove his toiletries from the bathroom (I couldn't stand to see them there, like he was coming back). I would have regretted any decision to give away his clothes so quickly. I do have plans for certain items that will go to our daughter. And eventually, I would like to pass along some items to close friends and family. I will trust that I will know when the time is right. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 Ted, I am having Cliff's clothes made into a quilt. Please see the blogs that relate to this: www.renaissanceartist.blogspot.com www.myspace.com/recycled jeans in case you are interested. I just could not face throwing them away or giving them away, so for me this works. I wish you luck in your decision, because it is a difficult one, I know. Thanks Boo. Wow, what a blog you have!! Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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