How Does 1/2 Become Whole

[ARiddle729]

Never has it been more clear to me what everyone says about how with marriage "2 become 1." My husband and I were together since the age of 17. We never knew who we were without each other. We just evolved into the single entity that was US. We were together constantly and never grew tired of each other (not trying to claim everything was "perfect" but we were very happy). Rarely, were we apart for even hours and I can't even remember the last time we were apart over night - had to have been 15 years ago or more. Since we also ran a business together, we were not even apart for work. We were literally ONE. So, when I lost Dan 5 1/2 weeks ago, every single aspect of my life suffered a huge loss. Since we were one, I am now only 1/2.

It has been tough filling Dan's roles at home and especially at work. His illness kept us away from our business as we traveled over the past year and 1/2 for treatments. The added payroll expense, the crumbling economy, and the change in the market of our business has left it struggling to even break even, much less provide me a paycheck. Most weeks, I am left scrambling to cover the business expenses and with nothing to cover my personal bills. Dan received a disability check the past 2 years and that at least paid most of our personal bills. Without that, there is no money for personal bills. Now, I not only have this financial crisis, but I am all alone making the decisions and doing all the work to keep the business going. With our absence, many aspects of the business have been neglected. So, there is a stock pile of maintenance, storage inventory, and other items that need my attention. The same is true at my home. Things have been neglected, junk has continued to accumulate, many changes took place as we had to adapt to Dan's changing needs, such as the wheel chair, hospital bed and other equipment he required as his disease progressed. Sometimes, it is all too overwhelming.

Since I am only 1/2 of a whole now, I do not understand how I am ever going to assume the roles of 2 individuals. I am at the point now where I have to discover who I am or at least who I am going to become. I don't ever want a me without him. However, I am reconciled to the fact that Dan is gone and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that. Therefore, I have to accept it. Just as the Serenity Prayer says I am also praying for the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and cannot change. Dan told me that the only thing he wanted was for me to be happy, go on living, be there for my kids and grand kids, and to enjoy every moment until we meet again. I am trying to fulfill his wish, but he never told me it would be this hard.

[loulou]

I have not lost my husband.I lost my dad recently.I have to say I reached a place where I am thinking outside my own pain.I have been crying about my dad's wife and her loss lately.I cant imagine how hard it would be to lose your partner and soul mate.Im so very sorry.I have no answers for you.I keep thinking of a song I know that brings me to tears when I hear it,and for some reason You are making me think of it.Its James Blunt-goodbye lover.Be prepared to cry your eyes out,but its beautiful.It show cases a super close love and connection that was lost.I will be thinking of you.good luck honey.

[kayc]

I am so sorry...there are no words adequate to convey what you are going through. I can imagine you might feel overwhelmed right now. As to how one person suddenly can fill two people's roles, they can't. Since my husband died, many things have been left neglected. I have tried to step up to the plate in the ways that I can, but as many here can attest, many roles are just left vacant. For now, you may want to focus on your most immediate needs, that is, getting some personal income for yourself. If you think it's possible to bring the business to a point where it can provide you an income, then you may want to consider a business plan to help bring you to that objective. I don't know about your area, but here there is a non-profit organization called SCORE that provides direction to businesses, it is run by volunteers, mostly retired businessmen who have been there. They set up an appt. to consult with you and they give very sound professional advice. Please look into whether there is such an organization there or one similar that could lend you some help. Are there any family members or anyone who could step up to the plate to assist you? You mention having hired others to help fill the shoes...but can you afford to pay others while going without yourself? Are you a corporation? If so, it's possible to lay yourself off and collect unemployment for a time...you are allowed to work a certain number of hours per week and still collect without any money being deducted, I believe it is about nine hours per week. My boss has had to do that because he couldn't afford to pay others and himself. A corporation is a separate entity, so is treated as such, so even if you are the principal owner, you'd qualify. Other options might be getting a loan or selling the company...I know, not coveted answers, but please let someone assess your business and make recommendations accordingly. With your background you could undoubtedly land a position with another company that would pay you. Could you cut salaries or other expenses to help you squeak by? I know noone wants to do that and in some cases can't, but it has to be considered. I'm sure you've wracked your brains already but sometimes a fresh perspective can see things differently, that's why they have consultants. Are there any possessions you could sell, a vehicle perhaps, that could help bide you the time to get on more even footing? Yes, your husband would want you to be happy, but sometimes it takes time and effort to get to that point, right now you have a lot on your plate. I feel for you. Please keep us posted as to your situation.

I just googled it, yes SCORE exists in OK, I tried to paste the link but it won't work that way...google SCORE Counseling and from there go to your state.

[valley]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband Dan.

As Kay said, you cannot fill the role of two people, no matter how hard you go at it. This death is all so new for you, so raw, so overwhelming, that of course you feel adrift and "less than whole". Focus on taking care of yourself and rebuilding the business you and your husband shared...if that is possible and something you want to do. I can imagine right now that each task seems monumental, impossible, huge. Take care of you. And you have the wise words of Dan, telling you that and wanting you to be able to find happiness in your life again.

My husband, also my best friend and long time life partner of 40 years, died 19 months ago in a few days. I have good days and "lost" days, and often am overwhelmed by the work of managing our big place. Some days I do nothing. Some days I do one thing. Some days I have lots of energy and feel accomplishment at the end. But like this morning, when I was looking around (spring time) at all that has to be done this spring and summer, (rebuild the front porch, fix the lawn mower, turn over the garden, pull the weeds, fix the kitchen counter and on and on and on ) I tell myself..........just think of one thing at a time....chip away.....that will be good enough. Don't get caught up in thinking you have to do it all at one time.

My heart goes out to you. I still feel much like you do, 1/2 of a whole and I still yearn and long for that best friend of mine, my funny, strong, wonderful husband. Please take care of yourself. The pain does become more manageable, or at least it has for me. And I am forever thankful for my two wonderful adult children.

Bless you,

Valley

[TerryY]

I'm a six week member of 2 becomes 1. I don't like this club that chose us to be members. Many people don't understand, you don't only lose the one you love, you lose most of your income. My income dropped 75%. I, also have his wheelchairs, he had three. I have not moved his tray, he had by the tv in the bedroom. His ketch up and magnifing glass are still sitting where he left it. I even had a friend told me, she knew how I felt because she has been divorced.

You will find kindness in unexpected places. A friend took me out to lunch yesterday, I had my shirt which says "My husband was so brave, God made him a Angel". At first the server could only read My husband, she ask can I read your shirt? When I stood so she could read the rest of the shirt. She reached over and gave me a hug. Then she took something out of her pocket and put it in my hand. She said she received this after her mother died, and she wanted me to have it. I looked in my hand it was a coin in a plastic case. The coin had a carving of Jesus on one side, and the other side it had a picture engraved of the last supper. As we were leaving I stopped and gave her a big hug. This was from a stranger, so you can get comfort in many ways. I believe God and his angels works in mysterious ways, in order to comfort us. I try to stay busy, but it is hard.

How is your memory? I can't remember words, names of people, and even things I said. God will comfort us all. They say it's normal to have these feelings, at least I remember everything that happened to my husband. (I think anyway)

[nats]

Well I also am a member of this 6 week club and wish I could cancel the membership...

I find feeling much of the same as the posts above, I also look at our unity candle as it sits on a

shelf in the dinning room and wonder how will I ever feel whole again...from my perspective the only

way to even attempt to do this is only day by day for me, I can not plan any further ahead than that

and when I have things that do require advanced planning I panic...I'm somehow finding some extra strength

from my wife's memories and her intense fight and drive as an individual when she was present on earth...I pray

for this continued feeling...I pray for all of us here and ask God to help us all deal with our greif and make each day

easier somehow as we remold ourselves into a "whole" person again...

NATS

------------------------

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

[ARiddle729]

Thank you for all your words of comfort. It really helps to just write about some of these issues. I know everyone here understands and I mean really and truly understands. Many people out in the world tell me they understand, but the ones who really do are few and far between.

TerryY, you are not the first who I have heard say that someone compared this loss to divorce. I can't believe someone could even think the two situations were the same. But I guess that just goes to show how people think they understand but they really don't. I love your story about the waitress in the restaurant. And yes my memory totally stinks. I remember my kids names (may not always use the right one on the right kid) but don't ask me to remember much beyond that. I can't concentrate either.

I do know one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt - God is in control. It is easy to forget that in times like these, but when I stop to reflect on this, I do see His hand all over my life. He guides my steps and lights my path and He gives me the strength to bear this burden.

[kayc]

ARiddle729...people compare death to divorce because they are both loss...one is a loss of a dream, one is a loss of a relationship. With one your self-esteem is shattered, with the other, the memories sustain you. With one you have a broken heart of someone else's making, with the other you have a broken heart and don't know where to pin it on. In a divorce you can let anger and injustice be the impetus for fueling your recovery and you can recover in due time...but with death, it's not so much that you recover as you adjust and it takes much longer...if ever. Both are just bitches to go through, ask me, been there, done that. While part of it is similar, part of it is opposite. But with divorce people look at you as if you have a stigma, and with death, people will feel sorry for you, might even come to your aid. Neither is pleasant but in some respects death is harder and in other respects divorce is harder. Unless you have been through both, you can't be expected to know that.

[Sharon3]

I don't get this whole comparison thing and why people even want to make a comparison. I have lost my spouse, the one I loved all my life. I have also lost a parent and a friend whom I loved. Nothing compares and yet people want to say I know what you are going through even though they have experienced the loss of a loved one but never lost their spouse. NOT THE SAME..all deaths are a loss but they are all different and even the death experience is different..

Yes a divorce to some may be the loss of a dream but why do we need to compare it...can't we just have empathy for the pain people feel.

When there is a divorce there is pain for yourself. While I feel sorry for myself and my loss I feel pain for the life my husband never got to live. It is true that I don't get to finish the path I thought was made for me but I can still make a path...my husband doesn't get to see his grandchildren grow up, he doesn't get to enjoy his family and friends and everything he was grateful for...this is what causes me pain and that can never be compared to a divorce.

[kayc]

A good point Sharon. I don't think anyone means it to belittle the pain one goes through in losing their spouse to death, rather they are trying to relate. We need to accept others efforts in light of how they're intended. And you are so right, losing one's spouse does not equate with losing a parent, etc. Some people are very attached to their parents, children, friend, sister, etc., and the loss is of huge magnitude, but it is not the same as losing a spouse...the person who is your other half, the person who listens to you at the end of the day, the person you sleep with every night, the one who does half the chores and pays half the bills, the one you shared all your hopes and dreams with. They are different losses. And you are so right that while we feel we have our gut ripped out of us...it is them that didn't get to live or finish their life. But still, as said earlier, we are left with the hard part...the living on without them.

[kath]

I think Marty has reminded us a couple times that the worst loss is when it happens to you. When my sister was going through a divorce shortly after my husband's death, I really didn't think I wanted to spend time with her. But I kept those feelings to myself and listened while whe described her horror (after 17 years of marriage.) Our situations were entirely different and I longed to have Bob here to be angry with or even "run into" on occassion, yet her heartache was very much like mine. Loss is pain and agony and adjustment. That we had in common.

I am deeply sorry for all of us that have lost our loved ones. It takes strength and courage to move through the trials after tragedy. Just the fact that you are here tells me you are not ready to give up. I found myself being angry at well-intended comments and hyper-analyzing them, my thoughts, my mistakes, my days, my tears and everything in between. I didn't think of it until a dear widowed friend reacted in the same way to something I had said. It's true that unless this happens to you, you can't possibly understand. Well, I wish none of you did understand just for that reason. And I certainly wouldn't wish this devastation on any of my friends.

Take care, all of you, and keep posting. It seems like an impossible task lies ahead, but I know we do get through it, some good days, some bad and some worse than ever. I was thinking yesterday that I should write a book titled "Losing identity, intimacy, and income...the death of a spouse." The challenges are huge, my friends, I'm glad you are here to help.

Kath

[Babs11]

Sharon3,

I so much agree with you..and everything you feel..No one understands the loss of a spouse..it is so different from a divorce..because we also grieve for the one who lost their own life on this earth...with their family...It is not about us..all the time..it is about a Life Cut Short..it is about a person who deserved to be here.. I would take a divorce over Death of a Spouse any day..this has been the total worst year of my 43 yrs..and I don't wish this for anyone..and especially my Best Friend..who deserves to enjoy this Earth..because he was too young to go to the

next "Plane"..

Love and Peace, Babs.

[valley]

Like others, what causes me the most pain......it is that Tom did not get to live out his own full life. He was a man who totally loved life and expressed that to everyone. He was happy. He wanted to be around his kids and to imagine their futures.

It is this part of grief that stuns me. It is not so much for me (though I miss him every day), it is that he did not get to live out what should have been many more years. As I write this I weep. It is not for me so much, but for him. And somehow I get stuck in this place and do not know how to move past it. I weep for him. I can see his face and hear his words, "I am gonna get past this and live'. He wanted to live.

In that way, it is unlike divorce. Two people part ways, but they are still alive.

I don't know. I agree, comparing situations is wrong and doesn't really help. I only know death....that is enough for me.

Valley

[Queeniemary]

I don't like this club either, and never thought I would be a member. I was 2 years older than Michael, and always thought I would be the one to go first. He loved to work in the yard, and I went outside to our big fenced back yard yesterday, walking around looking at his dogwood trees he planted a couple of years ago and his maiden grasses and zebra grasses, and thought that I just cannot do this. How can I keep this looking the way he did. I did inside, he did outside. He had the green thumb, mine is brown! My daughter and her husband are mowing for me, thank goodness, as with this new knee it would be pretty hard. I have one of those difficult yards, that is mostly uphill or downhill, depending on which way you look at it. When I first bought this house, years before I met Michael, the whole back section was a jungle....but after we met and married, he turned it into a lovely oasis of trees and grasses. We fenced it for our dogs to have a place to run, and it is my favorite place.

[nats]

Wow, you have such valid points that I had never even thought about...Ruth also enjoyed life so much and was so

full of life, she did not deserve this "Cancer" that took her life, Im so hurt she will not see her grandchildren born,

we will not grow old together, she'll never get to go Bass fishing again, and no more driving vacations something we both

enjoyed so much, I could go on and on but I think it better for all of us to remember the "Happy Times" yes they

are just as painful but somehow we have to find some positive thoughts, Ruth begged me not to be sad because that

would make her sad and hurt her, she told me all the time...

"we've had many happy times and God saved her best love for her last me, so carry those thoughts with you each day and know

I'm happier now than ever in my life knowing God gave me the extra months he did to love you" so as hard as that hurts remembering those words

I try and do just that, it doesn't always work but it helps....

Praying for all our greiving souls....

NATS

[Korina]

Can I please cancel my membership, too? We were a team, and now I don't have backup. I grieve for everything he is missing as our daughter grows a bit more each day, and I grieve that she won't get to know her Daddy first hand. This is the crappiest contract I have ever been involved with, and I don't even remember signing the darn thing!!!

Korina

[kayc]

Babs...be careful what you wish for...I went through the death of my beloved spouse and then later found myself experiencing divorce...believe me, that was no picnic. Every divorce is different, some people find they come as a relief to a bad marriage, some seem indifferent, but mine was extremely painful...mine dumped me for another woman without having the decency to let me know...and took me for all he could in the process. To diminish the pain and adjustments I went through during that time and since would be a huge error. I STILL hurt, after all this time, and am still grappling to understand "why" and not coming up with any answers...the grief I went through in my divorce was not all that different than the grief I went through in death with two major differences: In the divorce it hit my self-esteem and I was plagued with "what is wrong with me that my own husband can't love me", plus the stigma of divorce (some men won't even date someone with as bad a luck as me!). The other major difference is when I lost my George to death, I continue to miss him and can't reach him...unlike my divorce from John...while on occasion I have missed John, it is the John I thought I knew, not the one he turned out to be...the person he is is not a person I would ever want involved with again. While we go through heartrending pain at losing our spouse to death, we need to be so very careful not to invalidate others' pain who go through divorce or other kinds of loss. As Kath put it, "Loss is pain and agony and adjustment."

[kath]

Korina,

Having children gives us something to live for, but it sure isn't easy. I go into the pits with each of my children's accomplishments. I'm so proud and happy for them, yet I am equally sad for them that their dad can't be here to cheer for them, and that I don't have him here to share it with. Everything is bittersweet. Mine are so used to seeing me cry all the time, they hardly notice.

At the last Boy Scout meeting, one of the leaders came up and said, "I was told your husband wants to be leader of ..." I was brought instantly to tears. (His wife just happened to be the charge nurse where he was last hospitalized and she has never said a word to me, though we visit at meetings.) All I could say was, "I'm sure he would have like to if he were here, but..."

I'm curious how you do it? Decisions, managing, enjoying your time with her. Each step reminds me of what I lost.

Kath

[Korina]

I love being a Mom, and except for the moments when I really could use a second pair of hands, managing and decisions are not that difficult, though the financial reality of being a single mom is starting to sink in. However, there are continual moments when I wish so dearly that Scott was here to share those beautiful moments - first steps, chatting, the giggles, the excitement when she sees me (it should have been excitement when she sees him), pushing her on the swing....the list is endless. Sometimes it feels like a hollow crater in my heart, other times an overwhelming swollen heart of sadness. It continues to break my heart that he doesn't get to enjoy her, that I don't get to share all the parenthood moments with him, but even more that she will only get to know what a special person he was through pictures and stories, instead of in person. But life isn't fair.

At the end of the day, though, I don't know how I would have managed without her. Especially through those numbing early days, and the times I felt like dying, I had this little life that depended on me to focus on. She is our greatest achievement (no pressure, little girl!), and his most precious gift to me.

Thanks for the invitation to talk about her and us.

Korina