Lost My Whole Life

[closs86]

On Tuesday April 6, 2010, my life came to a crashing halt, my husband of 43 years died within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I am in total shock, and am very numb, It all started about 9 weeks ago, he was perfect, walking 3 miles a day, eating what we thought was a healthy diet, and not complaining about anything, then suddenly he started complaining about feeling bloated and indigestion, which got worse each day, we went to the family doctor, he treated him for h pylori, but in the next 2 days he looked worse and worse so we went to a gastroenterologist who did an endoscopy and found he had an ulcer, but decided to take a sonagram which turned out to show something going on in his liver, they scheduled a cat scan for the next day, we received a call from the doctor that afternoon telling us to pick up the tests and get to an emergency room in one of the big hospitals which we did, we went to Sloane Kettering in Manhattan, they admitted him and when they were done testing him, they diagnosed him with pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and body cavity, then the nightmare really began, the next day blood clots broke loose from his legs and went into his lungs, the blood clots were from the pancreatic cancer, the clots were to many to target with something called t p a which would of broken the clot up. So we just waited for his body along with medication to bring his blood pressure back up, but that never happened, his pressure was being kept up to not even a safe number artificially, He just got worse and worse every single day, until April 6th the worst dAY OF my entire life, he stopped breathing, I just can't believe it, I am sick to my stomach, I don't know how to live without him, he was me and I was him. I wish I would of gone with him. How could these things happen? My heart is broken and if you can die from a broken heart I know I will.

[Sharon3]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. We all gather here to share our loss and have our feelings validated. I know what a broken heart feels like and it feels like it will never mend. But I can say with time you do get to manage it better. There are many lessons learned through the toughest experience of our life. We may all deal with it a little differently but when you loose the love of your life, it feels like life is done for you too but it does get a bit better and you will eventually find things to be grateful for but probably always cry and feel saddness for the life you thought you would live. There is no magic cure or any easy way to get through it. I must say my Grief Counsellor helps me a lot, my son helps me more than I could ever have imagined and this site helps to let you know the craziness of your life in grief is in fact normal reactions. You do need to take care of yourself and try to live from moment to moment because living in the past and looking to the future in the early days is too painful. Take care....Sharon

[kayc]

Closs,

I am so sorry, I wish there were some words to relieve some of what you're going through, but unfortunately, we both know there isn't. Please know there are lots of people here that understand and care and in the days to come, you will come to thank God for this site if nothing else...it's been my lifeline the last few years.

You must feel in shock, that was a lot to happen in such a short time...not enough time to even process it. I can only imagine how it must feel to lose your husband of 43 years...me, I waited a lifetime to meet and marry my soul mate and we just got 3 years 8 months and poof, he was gone...heart attack, hadn't even known he had it until that weekend.

I am so sorry for what you are going through...please keep coming here and let it all out, that's what we're here for.

[alone27]

Closs, I really do feel your pain - and it can feel unbearable. My husband too died suddenly - had both heart surgery and bladder cancer in the same year = but came through both with flying colors - all reports were excellent - and then one day he died - just like that.

We were married for 44 years - high school sweethearts - so I know the terrible void you're feeling...... me too. My husband passed away in early March - and the loss feels staggering. People tell me 'one day at a time' but I think it's more like 1 hour at a time. The grief washes over me sometimes so violently it takes my breath away.

I'm hoping that I can get through this - sometimes I* truly doubt it. I will pray for the samething for you.

Alone 27

[Daughter2010]

Closs,

Let me first say I am very sorry for your loss. The death of your husband is an event that feels like a part of you has gone with him, especially in such a short time. I wish there were happier words i could provide to you, but what I can say is that you are not alone in your pain. It is a long journey the one you have begun, and I just want you to know we are here for you, to listen to you, to support you whenever you feel is too difficult of a day or you have a burden to heavy to bear alone. This is a group none of us chose to join...but it has helped us to understand our grief and pain a little better, as kayc mentioned it, this place has been a lifeline for me too. I am not married yet but my father passed away from stomach cancer almost 6 months ago, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Those first weeks were terrible, I went from feeling numb to a flood of tears for my father. I am definitely not the same person as before, and well I think I will always miss my father. Please know that you can come here whenever you want to vent, cry, or just to read other people's posts....all of that helps a lot in our grief. There is no such a thing a being misunderstood here because we all have felt the pain of the loss. It is true that our grief is very personal, but i believe sharing our experiences, emotions, and feelings, help us make this journey a bit easier.

A big, big, big hug for you,

-L

[Frank G]

So sorry Closs.Life can turn upside-down so quickly.

Our horrific journey was just 13 weeks.In August my June was working with me (we were carpenters)doing an extension.We put the roof timbers on (26 foot long trusses) and the next day she thought she had pulled a chest muscle.Sept.1st she was in hospital with suspected Gall Stones which after key-hole surgery turned out to be Colan cancer with secondries on the liver.Surgery to remove the Colan tumor,3 failed rounds of chemo and all over on Dec. 3rd.It's a roller coaster ride as all on this forum will tell you but you must take care of your own health and I'm sure things will improve.You may not think that at the minute but after a period of 2 steps forward and 1 step back you'll get there.

Frank G...

[Susie Q]

Dear Closs

There's nothing to say except I am so very sorry this has happened to you. My husband died after a cerebral haemmorhage last August - no warning and no medical problems previously. I have lost my whole life too but I'm still trying every day to make him proud of me. It's all I have to cling to and all that keeps me going. Sometimes I can see the possibility of better times ahead and I guess that is slow healing at work, but I know I won't ever feel the same joy and happiness we had of simple pleasures and big decisions shared.

You will go through much extreme heartache in the next few months and it will hurt more than words can describe - no point saying it won't. I believe that's the cost of having loved someone so dearly and of having been loved that way in return.

But the people here can really help, especially in the very early days when you feel like you are the only person on the planet who really knows what it's like. Come back often....Susie Q

[nats]

Closs,

I am feeling your pain also my wife passed on 2/14/10 your statement "My heart is broken and if you can die from a broken heart I know I will". is how I feel as well many days, and after yesterday and the Life insurance company telling me the claim is denied I'm really in a tailspin, people tell us to go on and we do, they tell us it gets's easier but I only feel that part of the time, I know it's early for both of us to believe what people tell us because we are in such pain and shock, but I have faith that many of the people here know what's going to happen as they have been down this rocky road before us, so I offer you my prayers and I pray for all the greiving individuals daily during my evening prayers.

I do know comming here helps and hope you continue, I myself am also attending local support groups and these help as well, but each day I give thanks for the time I had with Ruth and ask for some of her strength to somehow give me the strength to continue on because at times I just don't think I can...

Praying for everyone here...

NATS

[Dale&Sue]

Dear Closs86: I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think that you will find lots of support and care here. Come back often. I don't post very much, because I often have no words to describe the pain. But I come here every day and I read all the posts and I try to give some comfort to others, if I can. Everyone here will do that for you, ok.

I know what you mean when you say you are numb. Dale, my partner of 20 years, died 500 miles away from me on a job site. He had a massive heart attack and we didn't know he had heart problems. He'd had a physical for work not long before. Although the first months hurt so much I could hardly breathe, at the same time, I did feel numb and it was surreal. I told my counselor that my soul died with Dale and all that is left is an empty shell. So, I hear you and so does everyone on this site. I extend to you my heartfelt sympathy in your sorrow. I think someone here said...it's not even one day at a time, some times it's one hour at a time. For me, it truly is one hour at a time. My heart goes out to you. Susan

[TerryY]

Closs, I am so sorry for your loss. I loss my husband 2 months ago today, and it still hurts so bad I think I'm going to burst. We had been married 35 years. Unlike your husband we had fought off many illnesses before, but the BIG C has got to be the worse. So many times your dead before you know your sick, it happens so fast. I too, thought I had insurance until two weeks ago, now I'm getting bills from the funeral home. My income was cut 75%, I only have 75 dollars to live on for the month. That is suppose to cover food, doctors, and prescriptions (I have nine). I work everyday. I too am waiting for the pain to get better. I told someone I know single people, married people, and divorced people, but no one that has had their heart split open.

If it wasn't for my children, I think I would end it now, but they've already lost one parent, it would be selfish of me if they had to go through it again.

Terry

[niamh]

closs86,

I am so so sorry for your awful loss and pain. I lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas (stupid cardiac arrest, no warning not that the hospital were monitoring....) anyways I am an only child and so thankful that I do still live at home.My Mom is all I have now. My heart breaks more (if possible) every single day for her. Their 40th anniversary was Easter Sunday. They were tied at the hip, did absolutely everything together. I know her pain and my pain are 2 so very different things. I would give anything to be able to take it away from her, along with dealing with my own loss I have such an ache for my Mom's smashed heart now.

I know there are no words of comfort but you will find some special people here trying and trying to hard to just live now and there's the tiniest tiniest comfort from knowing someone else in the world has lost their whole life like you have.

Again I am so sorry for you

Be kind to yourself now, it's all about YOU...

hugs

[closs86]

thank you all for leaving me such heartfelt messages, I look at his pictures and I get an overwhelming feeling like I can't breathe, I know it is an anxiety attack, As soon as I get home I am going to go for some counseling, I hope it can help me. I will go home on Tuesday, I have to see all his things, and smell him, and he is going to be home with me, he was creamated, and at least he will be home again. My heart hurts, I loved him so much it hurts, I hope I find the strength to keep going for my kids and grandchildrens sake. The counselor recommended a book called How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A Rando, what I have read so far almost describes some of the things that I am feeling. I am happy that I found someplace to go when I am scared, and need people who understand what I am feeling. All of these responses are one sadder than the other, My heart and prayers goes out to all of you,

thanks for your support, I really appreciate it and need it.

Edited April 18, 2010 by MartyT
Link inserted.

[Vickie O]

Dear Closs,

My heart goes out to you! It is normal to have anxiety attacks, & feel your heart racing, & panic.I won't share our sad story with you...just a few thoughts.., I know Pat, my husband, loved me, & Vs VS. I will never forget him & his goodness & our compatibility, no one will ever replace him. No one will ever replace my Dad, either. Love is Love...it never ends. Closs, I still wear my Dad's jacket's & an undershirt I've kept for 13 years.

I still have pain in my heart over the unecessary deaths of my 2 Men that I loved best! I often feel unprotected, they were my shields. I have not died from this pain in my heart, & perhaps it has made me stronger. 2 1/2 years since my husband died.

I went through stages, shock, roboticness, anger, & I included God in that matter of anger, & finally got to the point of some kind of acceptance.

I made it Closs, & you will, too!

Love from Phoenix

[nats]

Closs,

I can say from my situation Ruth was also creamated and I have her home with me also and find great comfort in that,

I have a small shrine on her favorite table set with pictures flowers and some angels, I talk to her and touch the urn while praying

and sometimes I take the urn for walks or drives....am I crazy no, I just find comfort in this as these are her remains and if I can find comfort doing that what the heck I've nothing to lose, and anything that eases the pain and loss I'm all for it...I'm actully going to purchase a small charm to have a portion of her remains in so I can carry her with me...I also loved my Ruth so much only God knows how much, one thing I find strength in that Ruth would/did not want to see me sad and hurt by her loss and wanted me to be strong so I focus on that as I move from day to day with caution and easiness, I would venture to say by the love you two had and you describe your husband to would want you to be strong...I pray we all find our own peace and comfort and I pray you find some comfort when you get home...may God Bless You..

NATS

[ipswitch]

I am sorry for your loss.

My husband died suddenly, I guess not unexpectedly, from lung cancer. He smoked two packs a day for 38 years, so the diagnosis was not a surprise. The fact that he died 38 days after his diagnosis didn't give us much time to adjust.

The day after Jeff's funeral was the worst. I saw things around the house that he had always taken care of and felt overwhelmed - the latch on the screen door was not latching, what if the cats got out? (One did, he came back a few minutes later) Looking at it more closely, it was a matter of tightening a screw.

How do we get things fixed? The man who my husband hired to finish his work on the house when he realized how sick he was has offered to do a lot of the work for the cost of materials only.

How in the world do things get maintained? Well, Jeff was clever, but he didn't do everything - there were and are still times when it's necessary to call in a pro.

While it took a pro to fix the furnace, I realized today that the thermostat was kaput, too. And that the repairman had left a wire connected that he shouldn't have. Two trips to the hardware store, throwing myself on the mercy of the staff there, as well as a knowledgeable customer, and five hours later, I myself had installed a new thermostat and programmed it. I am not unusually smart or resourceful, just tenacious.

I miss Jeff every day. But the more I speak with others about lung cancer, the more I come to understand or feel that passing quickly was a mixed blessing. I didn't have the time to prepare, Jeff didn't have the time to do the things he might have, the "journey" as so many refer to the cancer treatment, was for us a short one. But so many others who have experienced it said the quality of life was not very good when that life was extended by treatment.

I have found many people compassionate and willing to help, if only I ask. I hope you do, too. And I can only imagine the loss, as Jeff and I were together only 25 years, not the lifetime you experienced. But your life has continued.

Jeff was going to fight to live. One of the other posters on this board noted that her son would have fought to live, too. She considers her forging ahead a tribute to her son. I have come to consider my continuing on the same way.

I pray for you and wish you peace and blessings.

[closs86]

I just don't know what else to say tonight, I am just anticipating going home on Tuesday, and seeing his remains, I want to be near him, I am scared, I was very dependant on him, I don't really drive and he just took care of everything, I hope I can go on without him by my side.

[Korina]

Closs:

I am so so sorry you had to find us, but glad your are with us. I remember those first few weeks as being completely surreal (still is, sometimes), surviving partially because my mind was numbed to the reality, partially with the support of friends and family, and through the necessity of caring for our infant daughter (his legacy, my saviour). Your heart feels like it has been ripped open, or has a gaping hole - I always thought that was just a description for effect, but now know that it is the truth.

It is going to be very tough, but we are here for you. I am glad to hear you are seeking out a counsellor - that too, helped me, if only to just start talking and let it all come out. You will survive and learn to live in your new reality, and eventually to smile again, and to remember and smile.

Lots of hugs,

Korina

[closs86]

Korina,

THis is how I feel numb and surreal, my brain just can't accept what has happened, I don't know how you did it and had to take care of an infant, how could these terrible things happen, I don't understand

[closs86]

Sharon,

thank you for your advice, I am happy that i found this place, I am sad that so many people are suffering, you never think about this until it happens to you, I hope I can be strong, I loved him so much

[closs86]

kayc,

Thank ypu for being supportive, I am glad that I stumbled onto this site, sorry so many people are suffering, you don't realize it until you are part of it, hope I can survive, I loved him so much

[closs86]

Alone 27,

I know that you understand being childhood sweethearts, we were the same, I depended on him for everything, he was always there and always protecting and there for me. I am going to miss him so much, I love him so much

[closs86]

L,

thank you for being here for me, so sorry for your loss, I just don't know what to do I feel lost

[closs86]

Susie Q,

You said it I feel like I am the only person on the planet that is going through this, I know I am not reading everyones heartbreak, you never think of all this heartache until it happens to you, I loved him so much, I hope I can do it

[closs86]

Susan,

that is how i feel like an empty shell, missing my heart, it went with him, I am still in shock, I am afraid what is going to happen when that shock wears off

[closs86]

Terry,

my heart and prayers go out to you