Missing My Mom

[Kansas]

I lost my Mom on May 28, 2010. She was 91. Sometimes people think the right thing to say is that "you are lucky you had her for so long" as though my grief shouldn't be as deep because she was older. Even though she wasn't able to be the Mom that she was to me in her younger days anymore she was still my Mom and I miss her. Is nearly two months still pretty fresh in the grieving process?

One of my brothers got re-married just three weeks after Mom passed away and it

seems as though he is moving on rather easily. However, I am the one left to go through all of her things alone. He lives several states away. He had offered to arrange for the grave marker but he even bailed on that. And now he and his new wife are going on vacation.

Our dad passed away 45 years ago. My husband has been very supportive, as have my kids, for which I am very grateful. It's just so hard when a person feels like all of the responsibility falls on them.

Our other brother has totally distanced himself from us for the last 20 years and he chose not to participate in the funeral or provide support in any way. He also lives several states away. In fact, when I called him with the news of Mom's passing his reply was, "well, we knew it was going to happen sometime."

I had asked the rest home where she lived the past four years if they had any mail delivered for her there. They insisted they didn't then just this week someone called and said, oh by the way, we do have some mail here. There was a thick stack and that was just July. Who knows what happened to June's mail. So the other night, there I sat opening her mail and crying my eyes out. I didn't think earlier to have her mailing address changed to my address but I did that now.

All the little reminders are what get to me. Mom's birthday was on July 4th. That's a very hard day to commerate quietly. I did light a candle at Mass for Mom that weekend.

I've been told what I'm feeling is normal but I have made an appointment with a grief counselor for next week. I'm hoping that will help me work through some issues. My medical doctor prescribed a month's worth of Xanax and it does help calm me down and helps me sleep but I know I can't take it long-term.

I think I just need others to talk to who have been in similar situations. As the youngest in my family and with both of my parents gone the future frightens me just a little. I know that sounds silly; I have a husband, two children, two grand-children, and a good job. I'm an adult but my Mom was always there, no matter in what capacity. I've been trying hard to remember the good and happy things but some days I'm more successful at that than other days.

Then there are days when I feel guilty that I didn't do more for her. I constantly think, I should have done this for Mom or I should have taken Mom here. No matter how much I did I still think of what I didn't do. Does anyone else feel that way?

Sorry this so long. This my first post here. I was glad to have found this site.

[Kavish]

Hi Kansas,

You must love your mom so much. Your heart is big, then it must be big enough to handle the grief as well. I believe that our loved ones fill our hearts with love and also the strength to go on without them. But they are here with us , as I believe they live on, it is only that we can not see them. We will always love them no matter how long or short a time we had with them. They made a place in their heart for us and now they live in ours. I am glad you have a family who loves you.

Take care,

Kavish

[niamh]

hi Kansas,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and I'm sorry people minimise your grief like that. It's only since I lost my Dad suddenly that I realise how much it does not matter how old they are, how old we are, doesn't matter how much other family we have, this is our beloved parent and nothing at all makes it easier to lose someone.

2months is nothing at all, of course it's very very fresh, it took me 2.5 months before I could return to work. I have just hit the 7 month mark, the pain is still raw, it feels like weeks ago this happened altho it feels like a lifetime (it was another lifetime really) since I spoke with my Dad.

I don't think it's at all silly that you feel somewhat scared of the future. I still have my Mom (no siblings) and I am a grown adult but this shock makes me feel little a little child again, the fear, the longing, the aching for my Dad and his comfort. It is scary to lose a parent no matter where we are in life. Parents provide some level of security, even at the age of 91, there is something for just simply having your parents in this world with you.

I don't really have many regrets, not that I can think of except the main one being I wish I took him to a different hospital, it's the biggest what if and regret I will ever have. No amount of little ones will ever make up for this big one.

I hope you find some small comfort here knowing you are not alone with your feelings. I don't have any magic words but we are always here to listen and share as we've been forced into this awful club,

sending hugs and love your way

Niamh

[Jsph110]

I lost my Mom on May 28, 2010. She was 91. Sometimes people think the right thing to say is that "you are lucky you had her for so long" as though my grief shouldn't be as deep because she was older. Even though she wasn't able to be the Mom that she was to me in her younger days anymore she was still my Mom and I miss her.

[Aquarius7]

Hi Kansas,

Sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. HUGS((((((( ))))))) !!!!!!!

I lost my Mom on June 3. My life has been completely wrecked in so many ways. I simply can't handle it and find it almost impossible to function at times. No matter what age our parents are when they pass away, it is always awful.

I know that I can certainly relate to how you are feeling about wishing you had done this or that. I did a lot with my Mom, but wish we had done more. I too cry all the time. At least once a day. My Mom was the greatest in the world to me and life is not enjoyable or easy without her. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Looking back, all the years she was alive were very enjoyable and easy with her in my life, even though at the time they may not have seemed that way. This is no doubt the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I am a wreck and constantly depressed and sad. I have not taken medication, nor do I intend to. All that does in my opinion is hide the feeling and it is similar to being intoxicated and not facing the reality. I am really starting to think that this extreme grief and upheaval will shorten my life by many years. In fact, I would not be surprised at all if I die in the next few months from a broken heart. The grief is literally killing me. And nobody around me seems to see how serious this is and in how much pain and hurt I am really in.

You are doing great things for your Mom now as I am sure you did when she was still on this earth. She is alive alright, but just on another level in a better place.

[wisefoxuk]

Hello Kansas

Really sorry for your loss

I lost my mom just four weeks ago (July 3rd). It was very sudden, and I have never felt as much pain in my 48 years of living on this planet. I lost my father two years ago which was painful enough, but this time my heart is well and truly broken.. After his passing I spent a lot of time with mom. She lived just a mile from me, so I called in every day. We had always been very close, but in the two years between my father’s death and hers, we shared a really special bond. My mom was always there for me through good times and bad.

Five days after my mother passed I finally forced myself to visit the supermarket to stock up on supplies. I always used to do my mother’s food shopping for her, because of her arthritis. As I pushed my trolley down the aisles, I found myself stopping at the items that I used to pick up for my mother. It was so strange that I no longer needed to put these items in to my trolley. I continued my shop, and all of a sudden, felt a sharp pain in my eyes. It was as if a red hot poker had been poked in to them. My vision was blurred. For a second I didn’t know what was happening, then I realised that I had tears streaming down my face. Not normal tears, these were hot and burned. People were staring at me. A middle aged man crying like a baby. I had to leave all the shopping in the trolley and get out of the store, with people staring at me as if I was a complete weirdo. I had to sit in my car for half an hour before I could compose myself enough to drive home.

So now here I am. I feel as if nothing really matters anymore. I feel very alone, even though I have friends and other family members around. I live alone, and when I lie in bed at night, I think of the future without my mother’s love and guidance to support me, and realise life will be much harder now.

The thing that gives me, and I hope you strength, is in the knowledge that there are people out there who know exactly how you feel. It’s going to be tough, in particular the first few years, but we will make it. It’s what our parents would want us to do, and the least we can do to honour their memory. Yes there are things we should and shouldn’t have said and done. Told them how much we loved them more often. That chore that they asked us to do, but we never got around to doing. But we are only human, and far from perfect. Our parents loved us for who we are, warts and all. It didn’t take words or deeds for us to know that. As it didn’t for them to know how much we loved them.

[Senior]

Hi Kansas. I do not think this pain is ever going to go away. I lost my mom April 14. I can empathize with you about brothers. One of mine is right here in town and the other is on the west coast. We had a memorial service here but then, I had to take mom's ashes up in NY. Neither of them went. I did it on my own but, thankfully, we have close family members up there who were with me. I got brothers together a few days after the service here in Fl to go through mom's things. They did part of it and left. I'm left with the rest and so far, I just cannot do it.

I hope the grief counselor helps. Some of them are very good. Others aren't. The one I tried wasn't. My dr. put me on a lot of drugs this morning. I hope they help me sleep.

BTW, my mom was 92. If one more person tells me what a wonderful and long life she had, I will scream or throw up.

hugs ....

[Kansas]

Wisefoxuk,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. Your loss is still so fresh; don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you for your words about unconditional love from our parents. That helped me let go of a few twinges of guilt about small things.

Remember that anyone who has not been through the loss of a parent, and I'm finding especially the loss of the last parent, can really understand how you feel. Hugs.

[Kansas]

First of all Senior, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope the coming days and months will bring you some rest and some peace.

Secondly, I just have to say "Wow" our experiences were very similar. What gets me through is knowing that I have a clear conscience that I did everything I could for Mom and was there for her when she needed me. Whatever my brothers have to live with on their minds is for them to deal with.

My doctor prescribed Xanax temporarily to help me sleep and it did work. Sleeping was the biggest problem for me. The first few days I would have nightmares when I did sleep. Most nights I couldn't get to sleep or stay asleep. That has improved.

The first visit I had with the grief counselor was basically a get-to-know-my-background visit. I go back on August 13th. I liked her but I was disappointed that we only scratched the surface of why I was there. However, I did leave knowing that what I was feeling and how I was reacting were normal feelings, especially for someone who was involved in the caregiving of the loved one they lost.

There is no hurry in going through your Mom's things. I tried to do everything right away as well and it just doesn't work. Your emotions need time to heal. So I've put that task on hold for awhile too.

Be easy on yourself. Take it a day at a time and cry when you need to. Anyone who doesn't understand that you need time isn't worth worrying about. I'm willing to listen if you need to talk. Hugs.

[loulou]

I have started to think that maybe the longer we had our parents the harder it is.My dad just died at 49.I'm the oldest.I have a 26 year old brother,a 8 year old sister,and a 2 year old brother.I'm no doubt taking it the hardest.I think its because I had him the longest.So people shouldnt say what a long great life they had to make us feel better.They should think of what a huge whole it left in our life,after having them for so long.

[misswavy]

I lost my mom June 6 and I feel SO LOST and EMPTY! She was my best friend, my mentor and my inspiration. She was 87 yrs old and had been on dialysis for 1 1/2 years and never complained about it. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer right after Christmas last year, so by the middle of May it was getting pretty bad and she made the decision to go off dialysis. I took care of her the last 3 weeks of her life and that was some comfort. Everyone told me how strong I was, but when it was all said and done I feel apart about 3 weeks after her death! I can't eat or sleep. My stomach is always in knots and no one seems to really care. I get the same thing, well she lived a long life! That's what makes it even harder is because I had her for so long and now she's just gone and I really could use her advice and wisdom right now with other things going on in my family! I cry at least 1-4 times a day at any little thing and my emotions are just totally out of control. I'm so glad to have found this site

[Aquarius7]

Hi Misswavy,

First, welcome! Second, here is a hug! ((((((( )))))))

I can't tell you how much I can relate to how you are feeling, as I am sure others here do. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.

I lost my Mom, who was and always will be my BEST FRIEND OF MY ENTIRE LIFE, who was only 83 (yes, she lived a great life but should have and could have lived so many more!). I am sorry, I just lost it as I write this! CRYING MY EYES OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just came back from the other room. Sorry, I went and cried for about 10 minutes and had a real, real bad moment. My heart constantly aches and I really can barely function. I cry at least 5 times a day. It doesn't matter when. Anytime I feel it, it happens. Recently it has been happening more and more in front of other people and I have to turn away from them and go somewhere else before I lose it. There is this constant missing of her, constant fear of the future being without her and constant regret for not preparing myself for when she would no longer be here. I certainly had no idea it would be this sudden and soon. I am feeling desperate and more and more lonely as each day goes by. I take our dog out (she was hers too) and feel so sad because she loved our dog so much. I know our dog is sad and misses my Mom too. We are here in the house all alone where we lived. Lots of times I just cry my eyes out while hugging our dog. She always licks me when this happens as if to show me she loves me, which she does. Black Labradors are the greatest! Anyway, you can read my other posts to understand more what I have been going through and are going through. Thanks for reading! We are all here for each other!

[niamh]

hi misswavy, I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. I can relate to your stomach being in knots, problems eating and sleeping.....I still have each of them but not as often as maybe 8 months ago when it all happened. It just ripples through every aspect of your physical and emotional being.

Like I always say to anyone here, all we can do is relate to the feelings, the reactions and let you know that there is someone else out there feeling similar....I will never say the same because that is unique to you.

This site has been a lifeline for me and continues to be, just to be able to be completely honest, knowing people won't start dishing out "do this, do that, try this, try that etc".

It's a lonely road without our loved one, so much missing, so much needed and something we cannot ever control.

I hope you keep sharing with us, when and if you feel like it, we are always here.

much hugs and love to you

Niamh

[jg2010]

Hi Kansas,

I'm so sorry for your loss. You asked if anyone else feels guilty for not doing more. I have felt that way a lot since I lost my mother. I wonder why I wasn't more patient in listening to her long-winded stories, I feel terrible that I was so concerned with spending time with my 97-year old grandfather (my mother's father) when it was my mother's life that ended so soon, I hate myself for not telling her I loved her the last time I saw her. She gave me so much and I feel like I didn't give her enough in return. She was such a fantastic mother, and much of who I am today is because of that. I just have to believe that she knew how much she meant to me through all of the little things we did. If she were here, I'm sure that's what she would tell me, and I'm sure it's what your mother would tell you.

Take care,

Janet

[pattysmooth]

I lost my Mom on May 28, 2010. She was 91. Sometimes people think the right thing to say is that "you are lucky you had her for so long" as though my grief shouldn't be as deep because she was older. Even though she wasn't able to be the Mom that she was to me in her younger days anymore she was still my Mom and I miss her. Is nearly two months still pretty fresh in the grieving process?

One of my brothers got re-married just three weeks after Mom passed away and it

seems as though he is moving on rather easily. However, I am the one left to go through all of her things alone. He lives several states away. He had offered to arrange for the grave marker but he even bailed on that. And now he and his new wife are going on vacation.

Our dad passed away 45 years ago. My husband has been very supportive, as have my kids, for which I am very grateful. It's just so hard when a person feels like all of the responsibility falls on them.

Our other brother has totally distanced himself from us for the last 20 years and he chose not to participate in the funeral or provide support in any way. He also lives several states away. In fact, when I called him with the news of Mom's passing his reply was, "well, we knew it was going to happen sometime."

I had asked the rest home where she lived the past four years if they had any mail delivered for her there. They insisted they didn't then just this week someone called and said, oh by the way, we do have some mail here. There was a thick stack and that was just July. Who knows what happened to June's mail. So the other night, there I sat opening her mail and crying my eyes out. I didn't think earlier to have her mailing address changed to my address but I did that now.

All the little reminders are what get to me. Mom's birthday was on July 4th. That's a very hard day to commerate quietly. I did light a candle at Mass for Mom that weekend.

I've been told what I'm feeling is normal but I have made an appointment with a grief counselor for next week. I'm hoping that will help me work through some issues. My medical doctor prescribed a month's worth of Xanax and it does help calm me down and helps me sleep but I know I can't take it long-term.

I think I just need others to talk to who have been in similar situations. As the youngest in my family and with both of my parents gone the future frightens me just a little. I know that sounds silly; I have a husband, two children, two grand-children, and a good job. I'm an adult but my Mom was always there, no matter in what capacity. I've been trying hard to remember the good and happy things but some days I'm more successful at that than other days.

Then there are days when I feel guilty that I didn't do more for her. I constantly think, I should have done this for Mom or I should have taken Mom here. No matter how much I did I still think of what I didn't do. Does anyone else feel that way?

Sorry this so long. This my first post here. I was glad to have found this site.

[pattysmooth]

I lost my mother six months ago and she was 91. I was her caretaker the last 4 years of her life. I have stayed in the family home my whole life. I wrote a post here the other week but I hadn't figured out the site yet. So some replies went to my e-mail,but I wasn't able to reply. Someone fixing my computer erased them all before I could read them. I want you to know that they were much appreciated. I really miss my mother and I have periods where I get feeliing very depressed because we were together for such a long time in the same house that I am in now. My therapist is telling me to go out and meet people but I just don't feel like and really don't how to. Because my mom was my best friend I really didn't feel the need to. I'm lucky to figure out this website. Writing how I feel to strangers is all I can handle right now. Does any of this sound like you. Maybe it was a year ago for you so how did you go on?

[Kansas]

I am so sorry for your loss Patty. As to how I'm getting through my Mom's passing, I don't have a good answer. It's different for everyone but one thing I do know is that you must go through the grieving process instead of blocking it out. Otherwise, that grief will come back to visit sometime down the road when you least expect it.

For me it helps to talk. I've seen a grief counselor twice now and have a third appointment next week but I'm not sure I will continue after that. It hasn't been that helpful to me; she has recommended books and websites but I could research that on my own. Talking to someone who has been through the loss of a parent is what works for me and I'm fortunate that I have a co-worker who has been through the process with parents and a son. We talk a lot. Some family members are helpful, others are not. My husband has been there for me every step of the way. My daughter listens more than my son but my son will always call me back if he misses one of my calls.

I'm finding that men and women grieve differently. My brother doesn't want to talk much about Mom and he certainly doesn't want emotions to get involved. He lives in another state and lately we haven't even talked on the phone much. He appears to have moved on much more quickly and easier than me. However, I was the one nearest Mom and the one who was involved with her

care taking and finances and also funeral arrangements and now the dispersing of her meager belongings.

It is the hardest thing I have been through in my life so far. I was not prepared for how much I would miss my Mom or how much I wish I had done some things differently for her. I am Christian and she was also; she had a very strong faith. That helps me get through the darker times.

Find just one person whom you trust and talk to them. Remember the positive things. Reframe negative feelings into positive thoughts. Honor your mother by donating some of her things to good causes. Help others when they are in need and think of your mother when you do.

I am just barely three months out after Mom's death and it is getting better slowly. Sometimes I am still blindsided by the small things though. So I give in to that and then try to move forward. Grieving is hard work but I believe that it is necessary.

Hugs.

[MartyT]

Kansas, dear ~ I love your response to Patty, but please don't be too quick to conclude that your brother has "moved on much more quickly and easier" than you have. See, for example, Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family ♥

[Kansas]

Thanks Marty. And yes, I do understand people grieve differently. That is why I wrote it "appears" my brother is moving on more quickly and easily. I don't know exactly how he feels because he doesn't talk about it. But I am trying to give him the benefit of a doubt.

[Imissyoumommajo]

I think that it doesn't matter how young or old your parent is. They are the one constant in your life from the very beginning. They love you regardless. They are always in your corner. They know you better than anyone else. Losing my mother has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I still pretty young and I am sure I much more in life to endure. My mom had just turned 56 on Feb 3rd and passed away on Feb 13, 2010. At times I feel the pain is bearable then it hits me like a brick. Lately I have been hit the worst it seems. I keep having flash backs of the day she called to tell me that she has cancer. The day I found out it was stage 4 spread throughout her body and then watching her take her last breath not even 4 months later. To add to all of it...I had just given birth to my first child 6 days before I found out mom had cancer. She was supposed to be here for him. She was supposed to live forever. So one the of happiest times in my life will forever be clouded with the loss of my mother. My son is getting so big now and that is what kills me the most. Mom is not here to love on him like she was able to with all of my sister's children. He will never know the love of my mother. I know that I can tell him about her and he can grow up longing to meet her like I did with my mom's dad. I feel for all of you who have lost your mother. All I can do now is pray that my son doesn't have to experience any of this for a very very long time.

[Kansas]

I'm sorry for your loss Imissyoumamajo. My mother passed away six weeks aftr my second grandson was born. She never got to meet him but she did see pictures. It was ironic that I helped my daughter with the baby and her older son and just six weeks later she and her family were helping me with the loss of my mother. Never was the cycle of life brought to light more clearly for me.

Try to look at the timing of your son's birth as a blessing. And know that your mother is watching over all of you. That is what helps me get through some days.

[Patrick W]

Thank you so much to those who have posted, it's nice to not be alone in this. My story is similar in many respects. I lost my Mom on August 12th. She was 79. She overcame other major health issues in the past victoriously, such as open-heart surgery and early detection and removal of other types of cancer. This was not the case this time around. The symptoms didn't start until late May, and after a month of worsening symptoms such as back and leg pain, an MRI found lung and spinal tumors. After an operation was performed to shrink the tumor, stage 4 small-cell lung cancer was diagnosed. When offered chemo by the oncologist, my Mom turned it down, citing her age, stage of cancer, and the fact that she was a nurse for 50 years and saw what it did to patients. My family and I got her admitted to hospice care soon after, and then hospice-supervised care at a skilled nursing facility. On August 10th, the hospice told me the cancer had metastasized to her brain, and that she would live maybe 2 or 3 more weeks. So much for that; it was two days later she passed away. About a year ago, she arranged to have her body donated to medical research. This is happening right now, and will be until October, when cremation will occur.

Unfortunately, my Mom smoked for many years, which is almost certainly the culprit in her developing lung cancer. She told me that she quit eight years ago, but I caught her smoking since then, as did her neighbors. She frankly discussed this during her last month of life. I wish I would have done more to convince her to really quit for good. But enough with the "if only's."

My Mom was loved so much by so many people. For her last 20 years, she dedicated much of her nursing and life work to helping people recover from drug and alcohol addictions. She was very active and loved life, so it was really hard to see her in a hospital bed motionless, in pain (though greatly reduced in hospice care), and unable to take care of herself. My Mom's death has been hard for everyone who knew and loved her, but I was perhaps hit the hardest, considering that: (1) I was the youngest of four, (2) I'm the only relative who living in the area (20 minutes away), (3) I already lost my Dad 22 years ago, and (4) I was very close to her, partially because of (3). In other words, I'm at "grief ground zero." Through this, I've received good assistance and support from family, friends (both mine and my Mom's), and co-workers, and have stayed busy with work. I also attended anticipatory and bereavement grief counseling for a total of five sessions so far.

Despite these steps forward, there will still be more steps back, and it has still been very difficult to take care of business on behalf of my Mom, both before and after her death. Because of this, when she was alive, it was the constant reminder that she was seriously ill, and since she passed, the constant reminder that she is no longer with us. I decided, with my family's input, to celebrate her life in a memorial service on November 17th, the day she would have reached her 80th birthday. The service could have been sooner, but because of her anatomical donation, and her birthday, it seemed like a good idea.

I know my Mom is watching over all of us. She would be saying to us now, as she did when she was alive, that she wouldn't want us to dwell too much in her passing and to just remember the good times with her. My heart goes out to all of you. Peace.

[pattysmooth]

Ilost my mother this year and I was her caretaker. We were very close and I am 54. I lived with her all of my life. I am trying to deal with the grief and sadness but it is so hard. I would like to talk to anyone who is going through the same thing. I live alone now and its hard not having someone to talk to about it. I miss her so much.

[pattysmooth]

Kansas thanks for your advice on what to do when you lose your Mother. I miss my mom so much and people say well be glad you had her for so long and she lived a long life but they don't understand that it still hurts just as much. I talked to my Mom all the time and shared things with her and now I am alone. I miss having her to talk to and that's the hardest part of it. I think it takes a long time to get through losing your mom she is your best friend and buddy and you can't replace that. I hope that I can find some things to do that will ease the pain I feel. Please keep in touch with me. This is a new site I am trying to connect with others who know how it feels.

[misswavy]

Patty, i know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom in June and yes she was 87 and had been in poor health for a while, but it still hurts just as bad. You being her main caregiver is hard since you were with her everyday! They keep telling me it will get better after we've gone through all the seasons, so basically a year. I think we learn to adjust but the pain and emptiness will always be with us. My mom was my best friend also and I miss her so much. I use to call her everyday and go visit her since we were in the same town.