Just To Share Some Thoughts.

[Suzanne R.]

I just wanted to check in and I notice to those of you still here and that there are those who are new. I think that each of us has their own individual way of getting through these dark days and I have my own perspective that I have already mentioned in many discussions before, that I know in my heart my joy in this life is gone as my 'spirit' passed with my husband when he passed away 7 months ago on January 22, 2010. I am so sorry for all of your sadness and sorrow and I know it's just so unbearable to get through each day, and I also wanted to let you know about a few things going on with me. A huge issue with my family has been unblocked at least on the surface. What I'm talking about is that two days ago my brothers and sisters and most of our adult children and their kids actually got together for a family cookout that I attended in which all of those that I mentioned before in another post had major issues. My eldest brother who just turned 70 refused one of my sisters the knowledge of his upcoming fatal diagnosis that he only has 9 months to live due to liver cancer. A month or so ago after the most horrific tension, past fights, anger and stress from disagreements which caused him to deny our sister the right to be at his wake and funeral when he dies, but I noticed after we were all getting along in one of the pictures that were being taken on Saturday, my brother's arm was around her shoulder and it's such a momentous occasion I had to share it. I have nothing to do with the problem, but I think the help for our family being united came about from my husband (who passed as I said) together with one of my other sister's son who died last June of 09 and this is nothing short of a miraculous event. I prayed for their help (my husband and my nephew) in the afterlife after I received a message that they are helping our family unite. Never thinking this would ever happen this has changed my views about some things. But it any case I now truly believe that my husband is aware of what goes in in this life with me and all of us ( I didn't before because I felt disconnected from him as we were together for 39 years and then there was nothing,) I still find it hard to talk to him because of the fact I am still deeply depressed and I want him here and now.....I don't want him to be a memory. Well, the other thing I wanted to ask of anyone who wishes to comment that lately I've been getting a lot from different sources that we have a choice in how we feel. But I don't believe this, I think Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, "We are as happy as we make up our minds to be." (I don't think he was talking about widows) and I am adamant about how I feel that how can I choose to feel joy if my beloved husband is not here physically, how can I feel happy is beyond me. I know I will never feel happy again, but others, even widows from my grief meeting which really kind of annoys me (sorry to say) that they love life and they are living again and they believe I will too one day. This really gets to me because I know in my heart that my life in this world is over and I just wait for God to let me know His will (which I've said hundreds of times) and I just wait for God to call me home. Does anyone here have any thoughts that we can choose how we feel??? I just don't get it. But I will do my best to accept differing opinions. I just know how I feel and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Well, I pray you all have peace and (((hugs))) to everyone here.

God bless,

ReneeArose

[Maryo]

Hi Suzanne,

I didn't realize how important family was until my husband passed away. 2 Years have gone bye and I still miss him. He is the first thing I think about before I get out of bed and the last thing before I fall asleep.

The first year was the hardest. I have a daughter who has kept me going.Time has made the pain more bearable. It will never be the same but I do have things to look forward to.

I take one day at a time.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Ron B.]

Suzanne,

I am impressed by the story of your siblings, who had what you thought were irreconcilable differences. And then seeing them arm in arm? That is healing. How far that healing process goes, I don't know, but it's there. I have had a very similar conflict with my sister for a number of years. My mind is so fixated on past wrongs, that sometimes I think I never want to see my sister again. I acquire these convictions in reaction to emotional pain. And then I become self-righteous and hard-hearted. Sometimes I am so self-righteous, that I think I know how I am going to feel weeks, months, and years from now. But when I look back 5 or 10 years, I see that some of my convictions have eroded. Moreover, I see how I mishandled some family issues. I surrender to the realization that the conflict I have with my sister is self-destructive. I try to bury my anger and let some healing take place. So there I am, caught between living conflict and a quest for healing.

What have I learned? For starters, I distrust my own self-righteousness. For lack of better words, I trust 'God' or 'Time' or 'Nature' to aid the healing process. Healing takes place on its own terms. My own self-centered convictions based on emotional pain probably do more to hinder than aid any healing.

So can we 'choose' how we feel? Probably not so much in the given moment. I can not pretend at all that I am feeling happy when I am sad, or have interest when sickened at heart, or have social inclination when I want to be left alone. On that point I agree with you; we have genuine feelings that have a persistence and strength that we have to recognize. No amount of pretending or masking over is going to make our feelings of grief turn to joy.

It is in the broader time perspective that I disagree with you. We have to reconcile ourselves with the passing of spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. Our emotions of grief are not permanently fixed in place; we evolve over time and somehow survive the loss. I believe we have the choice of how we cope. If we find a positive legacy in the life that's lost, it can be a beacon to light our way forward, if we so choose. We can also get completely stuck in our loss and live with persistent sadness and despair, if we so choose. In this long term context, I do believe we choose our own feelings. What I find incomprehensible is when people say how they are going to be feeling years down the line. I think, how do they know? Or how do I know how I am going to be feeling in 5 or 10 years time? Honestly I don't know. I only trust I will grow, and somehow learn from loss.

For me the beauty of nature and human kindness generate enough positive emotion within me to get me through each day. I still care about a lot of things, and there is so much I want to do before I am gone. I just do not understand when people say that they have given up on life and are waiting for God to take them. I keep thinking that there have got to be things worth living for that will sustain a person even through the worst of grief.

Ron B.

[MartyT]

I really like what you said here, Ron ~ I'd only like to add the following. We may have little or no control over our thoughts and feelings, but we have lots of control over what we DO with them, and this is where choice comes in, it seems to me. This (I think) is what Lincoln meant in that famous statement. We cannot choose our thoughts and feelings, but we can choose what we decide to do with them. We can decide to be happy (or forgiving or focused or brave or whatever it may be) and then set about doing whatever we can to maximize our chances of succeeding in that effort. Sometimes we may miss the mark, but we can choose to keep on keeping on until we make it. This is what "grief work" is all about. We do it anyway, even though much of the time we're not sure it's helping and we may not feel like doing it. We simply choose to believe (based on what we read and experience and learn from others) that this is what will get us through.

[nats]

"For me the beauty of nature and human kindness generate enough positive emotion within me to get me through each day. I still care about a lot of things, and there is so much I want to do before I am gone. I just do not understand when people say that they have given up on life and are waiting for God to take them. I keep thinking that there have got to be things worth living for that will sustain a person even through the worst of grief".

This is so true Ron, I still feel the intense grief (I'm at 6 months) but have many things in life I want to do and see and I am positive Ruth would not be happy if I was just sitting around feeling sorry for myself and wasting my life, I am an example of the fact things do and can be/get better if we open our mind's, body's and soul's to our Lord and let our faith carry us daily, with that I find comfort and I am in close "contact" with Ruth, I feel her influence me and feel her presence in many of my daily tasks, I also have been blindsided by a relationship that God told me would happen a year ago but I just brushed aside as crazy thoughts....and my life has taken yet another direction since finding out the nodule in my lung is a common occurance in people living in the Ohio valley many years ago...I was so afraid of the big C word and dying, yet a 4 months ago I would have been OK with it, but now I have found life still does have meaning, my Love for God, my 2 wonderful sons, the beauty of the world, the ability each day to walk, talk, and breath, the new found Love I thought was not possible....and I could continue on and on but I'm sure my message is clear....I am keeping/making a bucket list of the items I want to do before God's done with me here and I'm doing the first one in 2 weeks, so YES we can go forward and continue we only must have the will, fight, desire and put our trust in the Lord and we will survive.....and I also have learned this by you.....

"What have I learned? For starters, I distrust my own self-righteousness. For lack of better words, I trust 'God' or 'Time' or 'Nature' to aid the healing process. Healing takes place on its own terms. My own self-centered convictions based on emotional pain probably do more to hinder than aid any healing".

May God Be With You....

NATS

[MartyT]

More on how our thoughts and feelings can influence our behavior:

In one of those amazing coincidences, one of Diane Rehm's NPR-radio programs this morning happened to be a fascinating discussion with Dr. Herbert Benson on his study of the mind's influence over the body. (Dr. Benson coined the term "relaxation response." He is director emeritus of the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital, and associate professor of medicine, Harvard Medical School. His latest book is Relaxation Revolution: Enhancing Your Personal Health Through the Science and Genetics of Mind Body Healing .)

You can listen to the program here: Dr. Herbert Benson: Relaxation Revolution

See also: Another Reason Why Thoughts Are Not Facts

[Deb625]

Hi Suzanne, This new life we are in isn't a choice, there isn't right or wrong. This is how you feel today, it may not be how you feel tomorrow. I know today I'm sad, yesterday I was sad, however, I like to think that tomorrow is a new day and that I have to give it, it's own chance to see where it goes. I don't know who said it but the quote "The only contant in this world is change" had it right... If today is a day you make it through one breath at a time then that is okay, tomorrow it may be a minute, the next an hour and the next one step after the other. Be gentle with yourself - you are grieving and like most of us here you are just plain mad and sad that your loving spouse is not here with you while you go through this pain. I believe we don't get over it, we get through and as I said somedays it is one second at a time - and that's okay. We are all here with a common-bond, but we all heal and grieve to the beat of our own drum. I know in my heart I would cope so much better with all of this if I just got a good nights sleep - at some point this will happen for me I'm sure, just not today. Take care of yourself, try to eat and sleep. Sincerely, Deb

[Cheryl]

Trying to find happiness is a lot more hard work than sitting in sorrow. Don't give up on yourself. Give yourself time and patience.Stop and allow yourself to enjoy something small. I started with sitting in the sunshine and listening to a bird sing. Very small joys will lead to something more. Remember patience with yourself.

[kayc]

I believe our focus is one of the most important elements to survival. We choose our course, but our feelings are here to contend with. However, our feelings often follow suit with our choices. It does, however, take time. Sometimes we just have to run the gamut of feelings, but our choices can affect them ultimately. For instance, if a person chooses to stay in their house with their shades pulled and the lights dimmed and pours over pictures and memories, they are going to actively stay miserable. If they make the effort to get out and be around others, and focus outward rather than inward, it is going to help them broaden their perspective, and if they take good care of themselves and try to live in the present, it will also help their outlook. But there is no way to circumvent grief and it does flat out hurt, no way to avoid the pain, nor would you want to because then you wouldn't have done the necessary work for survival. Grief does take an immense amount of energy and work! Sometimes just trying to do one thing that you haven't done before that maybe your loved one did, helps your sense of self and helps your acceptance of who you are in the now.

[Marion Claire]

The past 3 months without my husband I have not done much laughing or smiling. Today I was watching my 8 month old great-grandson scooting around on my deck and I smiled till my face hurt from watching him. As lost as I am a little child can work wonders for me....

[FaithFull]

Dear NATS I have been watching to see if you would post your results of the nodule in your lung. I prayed for you when I read it, and I pray for you now. I believe this is a good sign that God wants you to go forward with your life and new found Love. I too, found new love after I lost my husband of 40 years. My new found love was a widower, and we were both caught off-guard when we realized we had feelings for each other. My minister (who was also a widower and had re-married) told us that in his experience he found that people who had had happy marriages were more likely to be open to a new relationship. We became engaged Christmas Eve 2008. He died of complications from Melanoma on Dec. 10, 2009. The pain of having lost both these wonderful men is indescribable. So, I prefer to concentrate on the gifts I was given by God that these men became part of my life. They did not look alike physically (with the exception of both having beautiful blue eyes), but they were both men who believed as I do that to love someone is to put that person's needs above one's own. Time with a loved one is precious and never enough; but I wouldn't have missed a second of either relationship.

I wish you Peace...

FaithFull

[Korina]

I know I will always grieve for Scott - he is my soulmate. What I found most daunting was the thought of going on for another 40 years without him....

But every single day, our daughter brings joy to my heart, though often coupled by feelings of intense sadness in that I cannot actively share these moments with Scott. There are many things I want to accomplish in life before we are reunited, the most important being growing into my motherhood role. I truly feel Scott is helping me out, bit by bit. I think, besides being responsible for Kailyn and all that goes with it, I have been spurred on to not give up on this life by the understanding of how difficult it would be for those left behind if I died.

Suzanne, I am so happy you have received help afar, and I truly hope you find a purpose in life, perhaps something you know would make your husband proud, and that you can talk about when that time comes. I am reminded of a line from Gladiator after Russell Crowe's character dies, which made me cry the other night (and I have seen this movie many times): "I will see you again, my friend. But not yet." (this may be paraphrased somewhat ).

Take care,

Korina

[Suzanne R.]

Mary Lou,

I also take one day at a time. I believe that God, through help of others, is the only One who gets me through each day. When I go to bed alone and I wake up alone and when I am alone during the day, He is with me, although sometimes I have to remind myself of His Presence, as I am only human, a human who is in mourning like everyone here. In some ways I am getting worse as time goes on. My heart that was in a million pieces (metaphorically speaking) would have to turn to stone for me to have happiness again which I do not forsee happening, however, there are temporary distractions like seeing loved ones, talking, holding my (our) granddaughter, laughing, but then I remember that my husband is no longer here with me so whenever I think of him, I grieve and I forsee that I always will. Thank you for your reply.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Ron,

I just wanted to clarify some things that I have said this many times that not only do I wait for God to call me Home and I also always say it may take 1, 5, 10, 20 or more years before He calls me Home but I also wait for God to let His will be known to me. I have also said that I believe there is a purpose for me, so I haven't given up on life, and I apologize if I forgot to mention that in my last post. I also want to make note of the fact that I believe it is God (and I speak only for myself) that is carrying me through each day. I have temporary disctractions when I visit family, or hold my (our) granddaughter in my arms or talk and laugh periodically with my family who I love each one very dearly but the bottom line is I go to bed alone and I wake up in the morning alone. One more thing if I may mention that when I say I don't think I feel, or think I believe, or it is my opinion but I know it to be a fact that because my husband is no longer here with me it is a known fact only to me that I know I will never have joy or happiness (just the same as it would be to say that my eyes that are blue now, have always been blue, and will always be blue in 1, 5, 10, or for the next 20 years and I will still be Caucasion and I will still be of Irish descent the same way I know that I will always have no joy or happiness in my heart for as long as I live (My eyes being blue, being Caucasion and having Irish descent are not choices) My husband is gone and because he is gone my heart is in a million pieces (metaphorically speaking) and cannot be put back together. My heart would have to turn to stone if I were to recover from the grief I feel. Every single one of us millions and millions of humans on this Earth is a unique individual and each and every one of us must ultimately work through our own grief, in our own way to make our own peace with the most horrific traumatic experience (in my opinion) that we have ever encountered. I just wanted to answer your reply to my post in order for me to not live with thoughts unspoken because in addition to grieving we all would find it extremely difficult to live with stress. I hope I answered your questions or have not caused misrepresentation.

Take care and God bless,

Suzanne

Suzanne,

I am impressed by the story of your siblings, who had what you thought were irreconcilable differences. And then seeing them arm in arm? That is healing. How far that healing process goes, I don't know, but it's there. I have had a very similar conflict with my sister for a number of years. My mind is so fixated on past wrongs, that sometimes I think I never want to see my sister again. I acquire these convictions in reaction to emotional pain. And then I become self-righteous and hard-hearted. Sometimes I am so self-righteous, that I think I know how I am going to feel weeks, months, and years from now. But when I look back 5 or 10 years, I see that some of my convictions have eroded. Moreover, I see how I mishandled some family issues. I surrender to the realization that the conflict I have with my sister is self-destructive. I try to bury my anger and let some healing take place. So there I am, caught between living conflict and a quest for healing.

What have I learned? For starters, I distrust my own self-righteousness. For lack of better words, I trust 'God' or 'Time' or 'Nature' to aid the healing process. Healing takes place on its own terms. My own self-centered convictions based on emotional pain probably do more to hinder than aid any healing.

So can we 'choose' how we feel? Probably not so much in the given moment. I can not pretend at all that I am feeling happy when I am sad, or have interest when sickened at heart, or have social inclination when I want to be left alone. On that point I agree with you; we have genuine feelings that have a persistence and strength that we have to recognize. No amount of pretending or masking over is going to make our feelings of grief turn to joy.

It is in the broader time perspective that I disagree with you. We have to reconcile ourselves with the passing of spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. Our emotions of grief are not permanently fixed in place; we evolve over time and somehow survive the loss. I believe we have the choice of how we cope. If we find a positive legacy in the life that's lost, it can be a beacon to light our way forward, if we so choose. We can also get completely stuck in our loss and live with persistent sadness and despair, if we so choose. In this long term context, I do believe we choose our own feelings. What I find incomprehensible is when people say how they are going to be feeling years down the line. I think, how do they know? Or how do I know how I am going to be feeling in 5 or 10 years time? Honestly I don't know. I only trust I will grow, and somehow learn from loss.

For me the beauty of nature and human kindness generate enough positive emotion within me to get me through each day. I still care about a lot of things, and there is so much I want to do before I am gone. I just do not understand when people say that they have given up on life and are waiting for God to take them. I keep thinking that there have got to be things worth living for that will sustain a person even through the worst of grief.

Ron B.

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Marty,

Someone said it best to me when they said,"Be all who you want to be and let no one tell you how to work through this, only we by ourselves can ultimately work through this and in our own ways come to make some kind of peace with this terrible loss of someone that is and was so loved by us." When this person said this to me I felt a sense of peace with how I deal with the greatest traumatic loss I have ever experienced. After this shock all that I think and feel has given me peace to think the way I do, that I wait for God to let His will be known to me, I wait for the day He calls me always knowing it could be 40 years from now, and that every time I see my husband's picture or hear any song whatever it is that we heard together brings me to such a low place that I know in my heart I have to keep these thoughts which is all that keeps me going from one day to the next. The joy that I felt when my husband was alive is gone (because he is gone) and because I think the way I do, I am at peace. What works for most people (even in grief) will not necessarily work for everyone. Every single individual on the face of this Earth is ultimately the only one who knows what's best for our own self and I truly believe God is working in my life. If I were to have happy thoughts when I remember my husband as a memory it would be because my heart has turned to stone. I am only speaking for myself. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

I really like what you said here, Ron ~ I'd only like to add the following. We may have little or no control over our thoughts and feelings, but we have lots of control over what we DO with them, and this is where choice comes in, it seems to me. This (I think) is what Lincoln meant in that famous statement. We cannot choose our thoughts and feelings, but we can choose what we decide to do with them. We can decide to be happy (or forgiving or focused or brave or whatever it may be) and then set about doing whatever we can to maximize our chances of succeeding in that effort. Sometimes we may miss the mark, but we can choose to keep on keeping on until we make it. This is what "grief work" is all about. We do it anyway, even though much of the time we're not sure it's helping and we may not feel like doing it. We simply choose to believe (based on what we read and experience and learn from others) that this is what will get us through.

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Nats,

I just wanted to say that I hope I didn't misrepresent myself when I said that 'I wait for God to call me Home, I wait to let His will be known to me' but I don't think I ever said that I have given up on life and if I did I apologize for that. Like I have said in other replies in case you missed my point I know in my heart I will forever have no joy knowing that my husband is no longer here with me the same way I will forever have blue eyes, I will forever be caucasian and I will forever be of Irish descent. I also have said my thoughts are not of my own choosing as I can't help the way I feel, how can I go against the way I feel and think happy thoughts for when I do this it would be a lie because I am not happy because he has passed and with him so did my spirit. I have temporary distractions like the bittersweet moments of being with, talking to, and visiting family but I go home and go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I am at peace with how I am doing the best I can with this traumatic experience of the loss of my husband. I also know that my thoughts are not anyone else's thoughts so I hope you understand that it is not my intention to be disrespectful of how you think or anyone else. I am honestly glad if others in grief can live and think on a different plane. I am unable to change for anyone but I am living peacably with myself for how I am dealing with what has happened in my life and what happened to my husband as well. His life was very sad, but he told me once that I was everything to him. Take care and God bless.

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Deb,

I agree with just about everything you said, life isn't a choice, there is no right or wrong, this is how we felt or feel now, the only constant in the world is change, we make it through at our own pace with small steps, we also go through an emotional roller coaster as each day may be different, we must be gentle and 'kind' to ourselves, we don't get over grief, we get through it and we all heal and grieve to the beat of our own drum. My thoughts are how I deal and how I cope and I would only hope and pray for you that you get a good night's rest every night for the rest of your life and that your coping methods work wonders in your life and that you have peace and 'see the light at the end of the tunnel' as no one deserves to have this emotional pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, if it doesn't offend you, of course. I know this isn't a religious site and many may be sensitive to others beliefs but that's just being me. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Cheryl,

I know you are doing your best to be supportive and understanding but I am not sitting in sorrow, I have surrendered to having no more joy and for me to live with myself and the way I think gives me peace. Not everyone has the same feelings and thoughts and I know that. Please don't take this the wrong way, because it is not my intention to be hurtful but I can't let this go by without explaining that by 'sitting in the sunshine' would not help me but it would be harmful to me because my husband is no longer with me, going out and sitting by myself would only bring back the memory of he and I sitting together and this would kill me emotionally because it would add stress the same as listening to birds sing would make me feel the same way if not worse. My husband and I used to listen to the birds together. Maybe I shouldn't have said this, I hope I didn't say the wrong thing to upset you because I know this may help some people and you are only trying to help. But I will absolutely, definitely, with 100% certainty be patient with myself. I do go to grief meetings, and counseling and a Widow's group and I also made a decision early after a few months after my husband passed that whenever family invites me to get-togethers I always go. Some people I know don't even do that. I always go to my follow-up with doctor's appointments and go to get my own groceries, and do my errands. So I do have to go for walks but I am not so inclined to just take a walk for exercise or for the pleasure of it because I find no comfort in taking walks, I am indifferent to sunshine and birds well... I won't get into that, I wouldn't want to depress you. I do hope that you are taking care to be kind to yourself and I am so sorry for your loss also. I will keep you in my prayers, if you would like as some may have different views about religion but I remember many people in my daily prayers, because that's just me. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Suzanne R.]

Dear KayC,

I would like to comment on your reply be reiterating what someone said to me once, "Be all who you want to be and let no one tell you how to work through this, only we by ourselves can ultimately work through this and in our own ways come to make some kind of peace with this terrible loss of someone that is and was so loved by us." I would also like to say that for me personally, I do what I need to do to take care of myself even in the sorrow and lonliness and sadness that I feel with my husband no longer with me. I go out when I need to and when I am invited, and I believe that we each have our own way of dealing with our grief, all the millions and millions of us and I am at peace with my thoughts that I feel are not a choice and I know I will have no joy in my life without my husband with me the same way I will always have blue eyes. I do thank you so much for your understanding and support and I pray you have peace and my prayers are with you. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

I believe our focus is one of the most important elements to survival. We choose our course, but our feelings are here to contend with. However, our feelings often follow suit with our choices. It does, however, take time. Sometimes we just have to run the gamut of feelings, but our choices can affect them ultimately. For instance, if a person chooses to stay in their house with their shades pulled and the lights dimmed and pours over pictures and memories, they are going to actively stay miserable. If they make the effort to get out and be around others, and focus outward rather than inward, it is going to help them broaden their perspective, and if they take good care of themselves and try to live in the present, it will also help their outlook. But there is no way to circumvent grief and it does flat out hurt, no way to avoid the pain, nor would you want to because then you wouldn't have done the necessary work for survival. Grief does take an immense amount of energy and work! Sometimes just trying to do one thing that you haven't done before that maybe your loved one did, helps your sense of self and helps your acceptance of who you are in the now.

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Marion,

Yes, I feel joy too at times when I hold 'our granddaughter' and talk and laugh with family which make these 'temporary distractions' to me seem a little better for the rest of the time when I am at home and I am reminded that I am alone. My prayers are with you in your loss also. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

The past 3 months without my husband I have not done much laughing or smiling. Today I was watching my 8 month old great-grandson scooting around on my deck and I smiled till my face hurt from watching him. As lost as I am a little child can work wonders for me....

[Sharon3]

I agree with many things you bring up Suzanne. It has been 18 months since my husband passed away. I think of him every day, every night. I give myself A for effort in trying to keep busy and making friends so that I am not sitting alone every night in my home. I have a wonderful son. I have a granddaughter, who I adore and they bring me both happiness and saddness because my husband should be here to share in their lives. My son and his wife are expecting another baby and I am so sad that this baby will never know it's Grandfather. We are finishing a cottage that my husband started and it brings me such saddness that he is not here to see his project to completion and such emotion when I am picking out carpet etc...wondering if he would like it. I find my life in conflict..such happy moments/days and such sad moments/days. My sister just told me that many people ask her if I am seeing anyone. I started to cry because I still feel married and could never open my heart to anyone else. I don't think that is a choice..it is how I feel. I am learning to accept my life as it is but am not happy with it. I have not heard from my husband's family since Xmas when they were in my home, drinking, eating and leaving with gifts. All contact had been with me and I finally just left it in their court and I now know their choice. We had close friends who were actually travelling with us when my husband died suddenly and I haven't heard from them since May...........so things like that just add to my saddness even though in my heart I feel I have done everything to maintain relationships. So our grief is compounded by the way some relationships go afterwards. In general it is a road I did not see coming and I feel my life is wasting because I am not living to my potential without my husband.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I read an article this morning that you may find of interest, entitled Create Space in Your Life to Find Hope , in which the author writes about being in that time and space between what once was and what will be:

I think an essential part of the grieving process is what I've heard called"liminal space," or a time between things.

If you've had significant loss in your life, you know that there is a time period when you are beyond the intense period of crying, but the missing still aches inside you. It's as if your head says to your body,"Okay, this person is gone. He/she is not coming back. You have honored them, grieved for them, allowed them the freedom to 'go,'...now it's time for you to move on."

So, your head and logic know that it is time to figure out what is next and how to take that next step, and yet part of you doesn't want to. You are in a state of liminal space. I can tell you right now, I think it is absolutely okay thing to be in that place. Read on . . .

[Cheryl]

Dear Suzanne,

After I read my post I realized that it didn't sound the way I meant it and I wondered how it would be precieved by you and others. I poorly worded my point on sorrow and what we choose to do with it. There are days when I can do nothing because the pain is so intense. This is when grieving is at it's peak and when patience is all I can have. I'm so sorry that my words sounded so thoughtless and cavalier. We all have to find the things in life that bring us relief, mine was only meant to be an example of how the things we once took for granted can now help so much. For me it is often just sitting in the sunshine and I hope we all can find that one thing that brings us some relief.

Thankyou for saying a prayer for me and all of us who are believers in Christ. In church on Sunday the guest Pastor talked about encouragement. The one thing everyone needs is encouragement. I thought of all the family and friends who have encouraged me to get up and keep trying everyday. Without the encouragement of others I think I would be stuck. Thank you for your encouragement and I'm so glad you spoke up about my post and how it sounded. Please know in my heart I had the right intentions. Love Cheryl

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Cheryl,

My reply to you was not meant to seem uncaring. Maybe I am the one who is being too sensitive. I realize your helpfulness and encouragement was a very Christian way to be to me and others. I just feel like I need to explain every iota of ideas that don't appeal to me. You are being you and I wouldn't like to think my words were in any way rude, for you seem like such a good person, and to comment the way you did I can tell you have humility (and most likely other Gifts) as well. In my opinion grief can change a person as it seems to have brought out changes in me at times but it seems you have always been a person of character. I am so sorry if I came down a little hard. I hope this doesn't sound like an excuse but I have had my share of this emotional roller coaster and truthfully speaking even though I have always considered myself a Christian I have my anger issues with God. It comes out apparently onto others, so I am so glad it doesn't seem that I offended you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your support.

Take care and God bless,

Suzanne

[Cheryl]

Thanks Suzanne