People Told Me It Would Get Harder

[Billw]

Everyone says that the holidays are harder. Truth is, every day is hard when it comes to grief and experiencing the great loss in our lives. It was 7 months the 29th of November. I get the feeling sometimes that people around me think I should be moving on more than I am. That is only my take on it though. I have done a lot in the past months. Counseling, participating on this site, and trying to get out and socialize more. Truth is I have never been more lonely in my life. I can feel totally alone in a crowd, at a party, or at dinner with friends. I really want to think it will change some day and I do believe it will.

This time of year is definitely harder, the days are shorter and it's cold out so it seems to amplify the fact that I am alone. The holidays the past few years have been stressed to say the least. My wife was having her original surgery December 19th of 08, started her radiation the day before Thanksgiving of 09 after suffering through 8 months of chemo before that. My fond memories of the holidays are clouded by the past couple seasons so I really have to dig deep to try and find the spirit right now.

There was a time though that we did enjoy the holidays. I am a very fortunate man and remain grateful for all of the good years. Maybe I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself right now. I relate to pretty much everything on this forum and I know a lot of you feel the same right now. This is one place that I do not feel so alone. Thank you all for being here for me. Take care my friends....BW

[wmjsca]

I find that it seems to get more difficult for me, too, but it comes in waves. It has been one month, the second month will be December 22, 2010. He wasn't ill and was pretty much himself except for the last few months of his life. He was up and running and wrestling and racing with my son just a few months ago. We were walking together in the summer time; we took 30-minute walks each morning--I had no idea he was as ill as he was. His death was such a shock and it happened so rapidly, I really had no time to get prepared for life without him. I suppose that's why this is so difficult for me. My family is totally dysfunctional and not there for me and his family has distanced themselves, so not much support is available. The few friends I have call from time to time, but think that a 'couple months' is enough time to grieve and believe I should 'get on with it'. But none of them has lost a PARTNER. It's all well and good to tell me of people they've lost, but then they can return home with someone. I understand your feeling alone. I am alone, too. As much as I have my memories of what I once had, he's gone, and so is my companionship. I was just thinking today about how we used to laugh together, appeciating each other's humor and how we had jokes between us that no one else understood. Those were priceless, intimate things that are lost forever. I can't seem to even go to church anymore because his seat is empty. People keep telling me 'don't stop going to church!'...I haven't lost my faith, it's just that the building itself causes such emotion. I am so tired of crying, especially in public.

The holidays are another reminder of how lonely I am. We had each other and didn't do much else during the holidays except spend them together, just our little family. Now I don't even have that. I believe that maybe one day it will change, but it is such a relief knowing that you all understand how I feel and that it will take as long as it is meant for me. I miss him terribly and it isn't the type of crisis that has a time limit.

[Queeniemary]

I agree Bill, all days are hard. Loneliness is so hard, missing Michael is so hard, life is just hard. If I am with friends, I remember past times, when Michael was with us, and the memories are always there. It will soon be 11 months since he died, and then a year. It just does not seem possible. I too hope it gets better, and I think it will, just wish it would happen sooner rather than later. This place to come to has been a big help to me, as you said, people here understand. If I tell my friends how I am feeling, then they just feel sorry for me, and I don't want pity. On this site, you all understand that I am not looking for pity, just understanding from people who are on the same journey.

I have so much to be grateful for, but it is hard to feel grateful when I am just missing Michael so very much.

Thankful for all of you here who understand.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[melina]

Bill, Mary and wmjsca,

I can't tell if the holidays are harder or not. Every day is hard - but some more than others. Here in Norway it gets dark around four in the afternoon and we have a foot of snow. Life is certainly harder in a practical way right now - shoveling snow, trying to keep the house warm when outside we have subzero temperatures. I avoid the stores now because of all the Christmas decorations and yuletide songs. So I've done all my shopping online and let the postman do the trotting around.

Bill, I know what you're saying. Last Christmas my husband was unable to do a lot outside - things we normally did during the season. He was struggling with pleural effusion and had to keep getting his lungs drained. Then he started chemo. And looking back - at the Christmas before that - I remember him being a little more tired than usual, so probably the cancer had started by then. I wish I'd known, so he could have gotten treated sooner. have to reach back to earlier Christmases to remember the really good times. We always spent them alone - just our family - but there were six of us.

It's 4 months for me, and I keep having emotional setbacks. I never thought it would be possible to feel such desperate sorrow - and such a deep longing for one person. I miss my old life. I can only hope it will get better - and looking back I can see I'm more together now than I was to begin with. But the loneliness is still very much a part of this new life. Sometimes I'm so lonely I could scream. And I feel more lonely with other people - even friends and colleagues - than I do when I'm alone, oddly enough. It's that history with my husband - all those years of building a relationship - sometimes struggling, sometimes leaning back to enjoy it. Our sense of humor together - our memories of our kids when they were small. I can never get all that with another person.

I'm thankful to have my four sons, and this site where I can come and pour out my feelings and have them understood. I'm even thankful for my dog, who has been annoyingly clingy and overly affectionate ever since my husband died. It could be because she doesn't like it when I cry. But also she was very attached to him. Maybe even dogs can feel grief.

Guess we just have to hang in there. There's nothing else we can do but be here for one another.

Melina

[LostmyHoney]

I feel and understand you all so very well !

As for the understanding of friends and associates in our lives...

"Grieving people make other people uneasy," Kearl said. "We've become so narcissistic in our individualism that we've kind of lost sight of how thoroughly our identities are interwoven with others."

I found this quote to be quite profound, and felt it hit home for me. We who grieve have gained sight of just how interwoven our identities are with others. Im just so very sorry that we had to learn this by loss.

Rachel

[LarrysGirl]

Last night we had snow falling, we haven't had it this time of year in a long time. I turned the lights out and sat and watched it come down, and longed for the time when Larry and I would have bundled up hats and gloves and took the dogs for a walk in the snow. It is so beautiful to watch, yet I just missed my life with him. Deborah

[susavi]

I work full time as a department store manager and I have been listening to Christmas music it seems like months now and the people doing their Christmas shopping and it just make my greiving even harder to bear. It has been 4 months and I stand there and I listen to the laughter and the deciding and the bickering and I only wish. I can't even get my thoughts together enough to buy gifts for my grandchildren so I guess it will be gift cards this year. I am not going to put up a tree or send cards just not in me to do it. Right now I am glad to be working but I wish it was in another profession.

[west]

what hit home for me was the comment that you feel more alone when you are with friends and/or others. I too realize that losing a spouse is so much more than anyone can imagine. people do not understand they think you should move on...to what is my question???

I pray we all make it through this season. I was hoping the Grinch would come to my town.

[nats]

My Friends In Grief,

First I do not want to offend anyone or seem cold so bear with me.... but part of the reason we feel like we do is we let ourselves feel this way....I also had the same feelings as all of you until it dawned on me that we/I was feeling the intense grief out of my own selfishness and sadness, yes our wives/husbands are not here this Christmas but Christ still is and our loved ones are having there first Christmas in heaven and for some this is another, we should rejoice and be happy for them as they are in a place that gives them the comfort and peace they deserve, for the sick and dying such as my Ruth and Bill W's wife they are now cured of the Cancer they once had, for the ones who left without warning God needed them now for only God knows the reason and you will find the answer when the time is right....we all can learn to live and love again but we must be open in our hearts, minds, and souls to have the courage to move on and accept the new us....I'm going to decorate tomorrow and I'm sure I'll have many tears as I sort thru the totes of items but I will remember and cherish every second remembering the blessing God gave me by being able to love and experiance such a bond only few ever know with a wonderful woman who is now my Angel, and she will be with me dropping sutle little hints as to what to put out , and she will offer me hints as to how I should proceed this being my first Christmas without her and my first Christmas with the new person God has placed in my life who has also lost her spouse 18 months ago....we all will never get over our loved ones being gone but we can focus on all the positive aspects of our lives with them and this will help us heal, we must also get to know the new us as one again but remember we are never alone if we seek Christ or our higher power when we are at our lowest and feeling alone....and we have our Angels we must just open our hearts and minds....

God Bless All

NATS

[sunstreet]

Dear Bill,

I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing with us thay you have never felt more lonely in your life. I am sorry Bill. I understand your lonliness very well. Of course you have to dig deep to feel the spirit of the season Bill. Your loss was just over seven months ago. It is OK Bill, I understand. I hope as time passes that you will not have to dig deep to feel the spirit of this season again. It has happened that way for me Bill. Bill you have helped me to feel less alone with my lonliness.

It is OK to feel sorry for yourself Bill. You have been through a lot. I am glad you feel less alone coming here. It is the same for me as well. You know Bill quite honestly, at night as I try to sleep sometimes, the only way I can get to sleep is to have an image of God, in mind, and know that my Melissa is at total peace now, and I imagine myself right there, then sleep always comes.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Bill,

Well it's been 5 1/2 years for me and I have to say I've never shaken that feeling of lonliness no matter what. I even remarried and even though it didn't work out and he never actually lived with me, even that did not alter my feelings. I guess there's just this George-shaped hole in my heart that nothing is going to fill and it's up to me to live with it. There's no one like him, there's nothing that helps cushion the blow, therre's nothing that fills the gap. But I don't mean to sound doom and gloom about it, because I've adjusted for the most part, I've accepted that he is gone, even though I'd never choose it and don't like it. I just miss him.

[Billw]

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Can't quite get on board with you tonight NATS, nothing personal my friend. I'm happy that you have found someone to share companionship and comfort and also someone who understands the power of grief.

Some of us are still quite alone and do not share the same religious beliefs you do. I have a loving higher power in my life and I believe as you do that my wife is standing with this force as we speak. I don't think it is as selfish as it is realistic in our world to wish they were back here with us. I have no doubt in my mind that my wife's spirit lives on in my heart and all around me in a positive energy. It will surely take time to get used to her physical presence no longer being here though. I remain grateful for every second that I spent with this woman and I know we will meet again.

Once again thank you all for your friendship and caring....BW

[wmjsca]

NATS,

I suppose having found someone would put you in a different category, or at least at a much different place than many of us who are now alone. But you said yourself that you once felt this way, too. We are going to find our way at whatever point is meant for us individually. It is quite normal for us to feel the way we do right now. I hope to move forward in my journey, to a place where I'm at peace enough with this to welcome another, or at least to consider opening my heart again. Now it's all I can do to keep reminding myself that the love I once had is gone forever. I'm still trying to realize life without him.

I am happy my love is with the Lord and his suffering here on earth is over, and I have a strong faith in the Lord's ability to walk me through this. My time for healing just has not arrived yet.

[mlg]

Nats - My love in God has never wavered, but I still don't understand why this happened to me. It is just short of 3 years for me and I become more and more lonely. I have several friends including my new friends who are walking this same path, but I can be surrounded by 30 people and still feel like I am all alone. Tom and I just shared so much and spent so much time as just the 2 of us. Granted I don't cry all day every day any more and have been able to do the physical things of work and home but I still feel empty. No matter what I do whether sitting with a grieving friend, being with family or just sitting at home I miss him like crazy and there isn't a day that goes by that my eyes don't fill with tears at one point or another. I have been going to a counselor and he feels I have complicated grief and asked me to try a small dose of medication which I told him I would. I still can't imagine the loneliness leaving but I will try.