Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[Pollara]

well Fred, I am actually kind of like you so that is why 7 months even to me strike really really heavily.

But since I am 7 months after you I can tell you that our case is similar. I was with my ex 2 months when this happened. And it was something that he was waiting because his mother had cancer for 15 years or so. In the first 3 weeks he was totally ok and then he started felling into depression. Although, he tried to fight and even came to visit me 2 months after the death. I was seeing the signs but as you do now I didn't wanted to believe. In any case, he broke it off with me 1.5 after he came to visit me. He told me that he needs to cure himself first and fix some other things in his life before starting going into relationship again and I told him that if he feels like he wants to be together again with me he can find me. At that time I really didn't think that he will cut off contact with me completely because he speaks with all of his exes except his previous one. Well I am 3.5 after the break up and we haven't speak. my last effort of seeing if he feels better was no answer at all.

It is the same for me cause everything were great between me and him and also he had come out 1 year before he meets me for a relationship that was full of fights and jealousy. he met me to all of his friends and even to his deceased mom. So I believe that in some way I must meant something to him. Three months after this hurts like hell. My previous ex, we are in friendly terms. we were almost 5.5-6 years together but it was totally different. This came out of the blue. I mean the one day to send you valentine's presents and the next week starts not talking to you.
I believe that this optimistic view made things that hard for me. that although I knew I chose not to believe that it was all over. Even after the break up he even tell to a common friend that we might be together. Yeah together with no contact at all. And also my ex was like that, care about other people's feelings. and his parents were divorced.

I really hope the best for you and your girlfriend but for me, whoever asks for space and stuff usually doesn't return. and also if someone fells into depression this might take a lot of time to heel. And my interpratation of the letter was breaking up. I don't know if it loses something in translation. And also yes it is different to let other friends come in than having a relationship to come in. My ex resume his contact with all his friends. And in the begining he was talking about these things only to me. now I am the only on he doesn't talk. As KayC had mentioned, Jim resumed contact with even a girlfriend that he was afraid of, but not with her.

Still it is too early for you. I hope that your girlfriend has a hard time and she might be better.

I don't know and without offence, I believe that you think that this might take something like 1 or 2 months and then she will be ok. But if someone chooses depression over grieving with other people (English are not my first language) then it usually takes longer.

As what to answer I still regret that I didn't tell what I have to tell. But back then I really believed that we are not going to cut contact at all and at some point we will be able to talk at least as friends and at some point I will tell you how I felt. At the point that he might have a clearer mind. Because when someone is in depression cannot think anything else but himself. Now I see that we probably won't speak ever again and this hurts me. That I didn't tell how I feel.

Well it is up to you to decide. Since you still have hopes, then just write something to her like: sorry I wasn't insane, it was just strange to me watching you become further and futher. you know how I feel about you and I still have the same feelings for you I understand that you need your time and whenever you feel ready you know that I will be waiting for you.

something among these lines.

In any case she won't read it that much because she only thinks about herself at this time. So if you write more yes she might find it suffocative.

oh and also I am like that when it comes to self perfection and I am pretty selfish. But this only when it comes to normal situations as it proved. ie, if someone didn't want to have contact with me I was always the type: ok if you dont want one I dont want 100 and always forget it. Actually I have a lot of old stories that still begging me because I was like that back then. One he still begs me after 13 years. But what the problem was in this situatuon that I couldn't act like that was that I knew there is a real problem, so I always have the hope, oh he is not yet fine. When he will become fine he will seek me.

And since you are impatient that is why I am giving you this piece of advice

[kayc]

It takes more patience than most of us humanly possess, it's not realistic to wait for them to heal and come to their senses. Some people act like it shouldn't be a big deal to wait for them, well they haven't been there and don't know how it feels. Pollara, you could still write him a letter and tell him how you feel if it would make you feel better. At this point I would say whatever is good for YOU, it's not likely to get back together after this long.

And just to clarify, Jim got in touch with a previous GF several months before he broke up with me, he said it was just to talk to her grandkids who were living with her, but he talked to her too, you don't do that if you're truly afraid of her. Anyway, we resumed contact after his mom died, but it was never the same, he was in a fog, and he had plenty of time to try to reunite with me and never tried. We still talk 2-3 times/week, he even stopped by my office yesterday, but it's nothing like it was when we were engaged. No resuming relationship. Perhaps he prefers to collect exes for casual friends, who knows. But I know not to trust him again.

[Pollara]

Well yes I have thought of the letter as well and I might do it at some point. Maybe I will try to ask him personally out when I will return to my country and if he refuses then I will do that. Just to say that I said everything I wanted to say.

I also don't believe that there is a posibility of us being together, especially after not answering to my texts which where one per 1.5 month. Actually it is not the time that makes it strange to reconcille. After all it is 3.5 months after the break up. I know couples who reconcilled even after years. And as I already mentioned I have stories that wants us to be together after years. But my biggest surprise though is that he cut contact totally. This was unexpected. And with this in mind, even if he comes back after years how can I accept him although I want him? OK I understand that someone doesn't want a relationship at the time, I totally get it. I understand that he wants his space etc. But to someone that you had even the slightest feelings not to answer at all? and it is not like I kept on calling every day after the break up or something. One per 1.5-2 months is very discreet I think and my opinion is that you can answer to the other in order not to worry and make it clear even in an indirect way that you don't want anything more than friendship. He knows me. He knows that I am not the type of woman who press on things and situations. He knows that I will never ask him to be together again or something, so really what is he makes him worrying to talk to me.

Anyway, I am saying all this because as Fred is impatient as he mentions, the grieving process is different for everyone, but still I don't believe it takes less than 2 months. especially if you get into depression. But any situation is different.

By the way KayC, sorry, I didn't understood that he had came in contact with his ex before. But, I have read a lot of cases when the griever resume contact with people that he had spoken for ages and with exes that they weren't on good terms but not with the person they were on relationship at that time.

Even my ex, he is almost every day with some persons that he was telling me that he doesn't recognise them as good friends (no he didn't hate them, but he considered them as unreliable). So to think that he prefers them than me... So the fact that someone will let people back to his life doesn't necessarily means that he will ressurect his relationship in a romantic way.

[kayc]

Well he did have contact with his ex-wife (they were married 30 years) but he's always had contact with her; she was allowed to come over to his mom's and help out but I wasn't. His mom refused to meet me and he wouldn't buck her on it, I don't agreed with how he handled things concerning me, but you can't change someone else or their responses, it just tells me he is not the one for me. George was and I seriously doubt there'll ever be another. But I'm okay with that.

[Pollara]

well KayC that is the thing. I can totally understand why you feel and felt like that. But people in internet like hiding behind anonymity and speak ill about others. I am not like that and if I sometime make someone feel uncomfortable I will only do that because it is my opinion and not of an ill will. And what is my friends appreciate because they know that I don't tell them the things that they just want to hear in order to reassure them. In any case, yes a lot of people are like: yes of course he would have preffered his mom. You never asked him to leave his mom or to choose between you too. To ask him to back you up for me it is totally understandable and he should have done it. I have done it with one of my exes that my father disapproved when I was younger because otherwise it is like I don't support my decision. Of course it might be even more difficult for Jim that he has Asperger.

And the second thing that everyone says: you pressured on things, you should have done this and that and the other. Easier said than done. I really believe that in this case I was as selfless as someone could have been. I cannot even hear for some of my acquaintants lines like: come on, he has it hard. Of course he does.

I never doubted about it, but I also have it hard and noone cares.

[kayc]

Jim's Aspergers has a HUGE affect on everything. I thought I could handle it, I thought learning about it was the key, understanding his limitations and his different ways of responding. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I have needs he can't meet. Communication is so important to a relationship. And while someone is grieving, it may be important to be very sensitive to them and perhaps even tiptoe around them, but that should NOT be the normal way of things and one can only do that for a limited time. It's essential we be able to communicate how we really feel to each other, otherwise, what do we have? I'm not going to change myself to suit someone else nor do I expect that from them, but we do compromise in relationships...compromise things like how we're spending the weekend, or where we live, but NOT who we are or our values.

You're right, I never would have asked Jim to choose between me and his mom, I also understood she had him over a barrell financially (it's a long story) and I encouraged him to look out for HIS future because I cared ultimately about what was good for him. I also knew he tended to be a pushover. I've been really proud of him these last few years as I've seen him begin to take a stand for himself, something I always encouraged him to do. So I think our friendship is good...he gets good advice and acceptance from me, and I enjoy his terrific sense of humor and mellow ways. But as for a relationship, it seems to be lacking some key things...I don't see him expend the necessary effort towards me, commitment, loyalty, etc. The things he showed for his family I, in the end, did not see displayed for me. So in getting to know him, I see the potential existed, but he never let himself fully love me, it's like he didn't let go or something. Something held him back. "The proof is in the pudding."

I'm not sure what you're referring to or have in mind in your comment "But people in internet like hiding behind anonymity and speak ill about others."

I am the same way as you, I do not tell people things they want to hear, I speak the truth, I feel a good friend will tell you the truth. But I also think timing is key...if a person is not receptive at the moment, sometimes truth can put up walls, so why not have your say when it will be better received so it can have a better outcome. There are times when we're sick or tired, or overloaded and it's not a good time for discussion...and grief can be one of those times as well. But it's not easy to pinpoint when it's a good time in grieving because it goes on and on, and someplace in there, there should be a time to insert something they need to hear, but there isn't this "good time" that's blanket for all, for everyone is so individual...but I think a good friend who is sensitive should be able to pick up on when that good time is.

[SadMellyDelly]

.

[Fred79]

Hi,

I think Pollara means people can be so disappointed in their own outcome of a relation break-up that they feel to convince others with a similar relation-crisis this will be the case for them too. Like "don't do any efforts, it will end in a break-up anyway, so protect yourself from getting hurt even more"

So thanks Pollara for being not like this but be honest.

Nevertheless, you being honest or others talking 'ill' as you call it, it has the same ending....unfortunately.

Well, I can say, you might be right.

I haven't heard since I wrote my mail on Saturday morning.

Nothing.

No mail, no message, no just 'thank you for opening your heart and understanding'

I'm a wreck at this moment.

I've been crying at work...I haven't cried in 10 years I think but now I can't stop.

I don't even know which phase I'm in?? Accepting, hoping, angry, sad,... My thoughts change every 5 minutes.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so disrespected for not even let me know she saw my mail...or thanking me for being the opposite of what I am. Being patient and leaving her alone is absolutely not what I want and I am good in. So it costs me lots of energy.

Last week although I wasn't getting what she wanted to tell me (leave me alone for a while) she still found the energy to write me some messages per day.

Now I wrote her litteraly that I got it and will leave her alone (but also that the worst part for me was having no news at all, being ignored is sooooo hard) and I hope so hard to see appear a message from her on my phone.

But ever since nothing....how can she just ignore me completely. Is 1 message a day so much to ask? Do I mean nothing to her? Hasn't she thought for only 1 second of me in the past 3 days? Not once? She knows I'm heartbroken. How can you be so cruel if you know someone who's caring for you so much is in pain but still no word of comfort, understanding, hope to me????

Whyyyyyyyy?

I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe indeed she's getting up and thinking about her father, going to sleep and thinking about her father,.... And I try to be understanding. But is there absolutely no spare second in which you think about someone who loves you so much?

I showed her mail to some close friends to me. Some say there's a message of hope in it. A message of all will be OK, just give me time and wait for me. Some say it's clear, this is a break-up mail, she just doesn't have the guts to tell you. If the last part is true I think I would burst out in total vengeance mode. If 2 people of who she knows care for me a lot tell her face to face that she can't play games with me and be fair to me if she can't see a future with me, that she has to realize that all the world turns around her currently and with reason but that this doesn't mean other people have feelings too. And still she would have the guts to tell me and leave me in agony by incertainty....that would really make me mad.

And maybe Pollara you can say 'I understood the mail as a break-up, so she did tell you', if some say yes and some say no it isn't clear, isn't it?? And anyhow, by the mail I've replied it has to be clear to her that I still have lots of hope.

What hopes do I still have? I don't know? It seems like there's only 1 scenario with a positive outcome and all the others are negative for me. Or I can't wait any longer as it is destroying me. She will say or 'he finally gets it' or 'why, I saw a future for us, just not now yet. He's not understanding what I need, hence not the right guy for me' On top in this scenario all of the family can think wat a selfish unpatient bastard I am.

Second scenario: I wait and wait and wait and wait and get further and further destroyed from the inside. Untill eventually she breaks up with me anyway as she doesn't have place for me.

Last scenario: I wait and wait and wait untill she gets back to me and appreciates that I was so patient and understanding as she knows how hard this was for me. This gives her the proof I'm the one for her.

The odds aren't so good...but still I hope she will realize how I was and am there for her.

My brother in law asked her last week, while they met, if she would be happy with a surprise visit of me. NO. Well, that's clear. So, she needs time and doesn't want to see me at all.

Today is exactly one month ago that we celebrated my birthday. This morning I noticed her gift still in my bathroom. A gift box with a self-made coupon for a weekend together away mid-October. To you from your love....

This is killing me....

F

[kayc]

I know that the hardest gift you've had to give her is that of space. And now you're feeling unappreciated because she doesn't even acknowledge it. She isn't likely to give you what you want, at least not for a while, so my best advice is TRY to focus on yourself, your friends, your activities. I KNOW how hard it is, I've been there. I've been through the sleepless nights, the crying, the confusion, the hurt, the pain. Given time, it will wane, but the unanswered questions and confusion will likely remain. If they want us to drop dead, why can't they just be honest and say so?! That I have never understood. It would be kinder than...this.

[Pollara]

Well I will explain in other message what I meant but currently, I can tell that I haven't seen the actuall email but a translation. It might loses something, but the way I understand it is that she wants to break up. At least for the time being. And it is clear. I don't know if the people that tell you it doesn't mean that just don't want to dissapoint you or they can actually see the message in your language but she says: I cannot put any effort, I want to do whatever I want without giving any account for this and "After some time I probably will be able to let you in again but currently that's not what I need." She even says that she will probably which means --->probaly means that there is a high possibility or probability but it is not certain. Like how we say: I will probably see you tomorrow but this is not certain.

I don't think that she hasn't got the guts or something. She says it clearly. At the time being I cannot devote myself to anyone by myself. So for the time being she is asking you to break up. She might come, she might not.

Also, when it comes to depression as it is mentioned in other threads, even an answer is too much for them. I know very well how you feel, but in my opinion your girlfriend told you to break up. She doesn't feel the need to answer you anything else since she took the time to make things clear for you. Then you have 2 options: forget her and move on or wait until you can. But if you decide to wait you know that you leave yourself to hopes and posibilities.

My ex also told me that he needs to fix all the other things that he has in his life and then he will be ready to see our relationship again. My friends interpreted this as a temporary break up. But not, it was a permanent break up.

She also might thinking that at the moment she doesn't want to be with you but when time passes she might want. Well if the times that will pass it will be so long, you won't be there anyway. Or she might not have the courage to fly back to you or she might just give up and find someone else.

As I mentioned, this is my interpretation of the translation and I might be wrong.

Also I totally understand you, my ex filled me with so many gifts, surprises, messages of how much he love me and what I meant for him, how much I helped him when his mother was sick and he was down and of course he even came to visit me. But depression won. All I got now is the presents and the lies and promises. I am also the oppossite from you, a total patient person. He even thanked me for my behavior towards him. So, that is why I believe that the problem doesn't lie on the fact that you weren't understanding but that she just doesn't want a relationship. My ex told me: thank you for caring about me but I have my friends. So they prefer their friends over us. But this is not our problem. Even if you were as patient as me, the outcome would have been the same. So don't take into account the scenario that you are not someone with understanding. I doubt at that point she is thinking about your relationship. I believe that she feels relieved that she broke up with you for the time being and made things clear and now she is only thinking about herself. As mentioned again, grieving is a selfish process. Oh and by the way, almost everything is a burden for them and everything irritates them. I know that you cannot understand it and I cannot understand it either very well but they ar at a state that they don't know and don't care about anything. My ex explained to me that he has an apathy towards everything and he doesn't want to do anything. Also in the begining it was like your girlfriend. He was saying that he cannot be like that forever. At some point he will be fine. Until July (5 months after the death) he was worse than ever. Also they are unsure about anything. 3 days after the break up or so I asked him if the reason was only this or if there were other reasons as well and he told me that he doesn't know. Then I asked him, is there any possibility of us being together again at some point in the future?and then he again answered that he doesn't know anything, he cannot think clearly and how awful he feels and that he thinks of taking antidepressants and stuff. I asked him: do you think that me be patient and not talk to you and giving you space was the problem? And he told me he didn't know. And so I told him: OK I will explain you for once and for ever why I choose not to bother you all this time and think it when you are in a clear state of mind. (What I told him that I had left him alone and not contacting him in order to give him space and not add pressure to his problems but puting aside what I felt and that my feelings for him hadn't change). He thanked me, he told me that he will think of them when he is in a better state and sorry for being selfish. I only heard from him only once again and again with my initiation. So it seems either you choose to be patient or unpatient the outcome is the same. And you know he seems pretty fine to me at facebook and all friends say he is doing fine. And even if he just pretends to be fine, at least he is better than before, he has a clearer mind, but not only didn't he think about me, he even stop answering to my one in 2 months texts. And I made the patience noone would do. So even your scenario of waiting and undestanding wouldn't have worked because they just don't want any relationship at all.

And I am telling you to give up hope because a lot of people were telling me the same back then but I didn't want to believe them. Now I am 3.5 month after the break up and 7 months after the death and I am almost in point 0. I don't want anyone else to feel how I feel and I don't have any self destruction tendencies at all. It seems that although I knew that there wasn't any hope at all, my unconsious decided to stay put on this one in the billion hope. Or even thought that if I wait he will understand that I am the right girl for you cause noone else would have wait. Or even if we just remain friends in the future he will like me again. Well you cannot stay friends with a guy that he doesn't speak you anyway.

I have seen people here telling: why you don't trust people anymore? He didn't cheat you. It would have been 1000 times easier if this was the case believe me.

And yes there were succesfull stories, but what?1 in 1000? People like to hold on this 1 in 1000 hope but we need to face reality. Some they say that if the outcome was positive they wouldn't return to the forum to write the outcome. I doubt so. I beleive that they stop writing because they moved on with their lives or found someone other. If the case was successful I am pretty positive that they will had returned as I will have done. Because you want to show to others that it isn't everything black and in the end you went against the odds.

[kayc]

I understand your perspective Pollara and agree. I don't want to tell someone point blank that it's hopeless because there are always exceptions and we can't assume to know what someone will do, we can only know what MOST do. In the end, we were strung along and it seems our emotions toyed with, betrayed, and of COURSE I understand why you don't trust anymore, neither do I! I went through a sham of a marriage to a con that devastated me, he ruined me financially and broke my heart. BUT I got past that and was extremely careful how I "picked" the next one, looking for red flags, checking him out, hell, I even did a background report on him (and let him know I was). And that was Jim, and we spent ample time together, got engaged, I was happy, he was happy, at least he led me to believe he was. And he still SAYS he meant everything he said to me. BUT the outcome was betrayal by my way of looking at it, regardless of the circumstances. Grief is their one "get out of jail free" card, in other words, we excuse them because they're grieving. BUT we cannot wait forever for them to "come to their senses", it's not realistic to do so, it's not kind to ourselves. For our own piece of mind, we can only wait and be patient and understanding so long. We have to, at some point, move on. We do not deserve to be treated and dealt with the way we have been. Jim earned my trust and won it, and then trashed it into a billion pieces. And I cannot trust again. Others may, but I just don't feel like it. If I were younger, perhaps. If I hadn't already had my heart broken, perhaps. But I'm tired of it. I don't need the emotional drama, the knot in the stomach, the pain, the sleepless night, the tears...I just don't need it.

I do feel certain that if someone went through what we did and ended up with a "happy ending", they'd have taken the minute to come on line here and let us know about it. Out of appreciation for us being there for them, being fellow comrades, to give us hope, whatever. The fact that they aren't seems to suffice in itself.

And you're right, no matter how understanding, how patient, how wonderful, how right we were for them, what kind of history we have with them (be it months or years), the outcome would be the same, because in the end it is THEIR decision, THEIR needs, THEM that counted. Well that's great for them, but WE count too, and it's up to US to make the right decisions for US!

[Pollara]

It is the same for me. I am not a drama queen and I want something and altough I am younger no thanks. This guy knew from the begining but I have trust issues but he kept on telling that he won't betray my trust, he was insisting on keep on our relationship in a long distance level saying that he doesn't have a problem on waiting for me and other things. In the end he doesn't want to have any kind of relationship to me. It would have been 1000 easier for me to have cheated on me. I would just have said: oh he was a dork and he didn't mean anything. Unluckily in this case I know that he probably meant a majority of what he was saying at the time he was saying them and this is worse.

Anyway, Fred, you say: is it a text too much for her? Yes at that point even a text it is too much. I was wondering the same before we even break up. is it a goodnight copy/paste sms too much for him?yes it was. And in your case, to me it is clear that she broke things off with you so there is not any reason for answering to you. She might not even checked her email. And my advice to you comes this way since you are impatient as you say. Even if her email has a glimpse of hope, grieving doesn't last two months and then it is over. In the best case scenario it might. But, remember that there are let's say two categories. Those who wants people around them at their grief and those that they don't. Obviously your girlfriend fits the second category. At this case, I don't believe that she will be ok after some weeks as you are hoping. Of course she won't stay forever alone, but you don't seem to me the guy that can wait. This might take one year or even more. Of course I can only talk by first hand experience and from what I have read and know from my psychologist friends. Think that it is just the begining of her grief journey. In the begining my ex was ok. Even after 3 weeks that he started feeling down he was still ok but distant. but when I had asked him (before he comes to see me) if he wants to return for summer he was: of course I want. Why do you ask so stupid things? When you will come I will start feeling better. And think that he even made a try and came to visit me. As he told me when he broke things off, he couldn't realized when he was falling deeper and deeper into depression. So yes, in the previous week your girlfriend might have the courage to send you a text but I doubt she will do it again.

[kayc]

And sometimes when they are ready to resume life, it's not with us, we may be a reminder of a dark time.

[Pollara]

And sometimes when they are ready to resume life, it's not with us, we may be a reminder of a dark time.

yeah true that as well. Although I really don't get it how only we remind them their dark times and not their friends etc but it seems to be like that in a lot of cases. For me a friend gave me an explanation, that he only met me just a while before the death while his friends were always there. Well ok for me was the little of time, but as we have seen there were cases with a lot of time as well. I believe there isn't a certain rule or something. If it is someone to have a dark reminder because of us, s/he will have it anyway for some reason.

Also, those who won't seek any help (like a counselor or psychologist or something) I believe that they might have this tendency more comparing to others who will seek help and find a "healthier" way to copy it.

For me personally this looks not only irrational but really strange. I have never make a link to persons with bad situations. I can make links with places, with perfumes, with songs, even with foods, but never with persons

[kayc]

Jim wouldn't see a counselor, but then he doesn't like doctors either. For me that's kind of a red flag now, although I don't intend to get involved with anyone again, but if they won't get help when they need it, that's not a good sign.

And like I said before, I lost my precious husband eight years ago, and that was the roughest loss I've ever experienced, and I've lost my dad, a niece, nephew, all my grandparents, many friends, so I am not a stranger to loss...and never did I shut people out or cut them off. Some of them cut ME off, but not the other way around. So I really have a hard time getting it. Esp. since Jim and his mom's relationship was anything but perfect and he didn't seem super close to her. Maybe it was grieving over what could have been but never was? Who knows.

[Pollara]

Not only people that they are grieving, but people that are in depression in general choose to shut out their loved ones.

It is strange because but maybe he loved her more than he thought or who knows? Or maybe he realized that their relationship could have been different?

[Fred79]

Hi guys,

Well, another one bites the dust....

She broke up with me yesterday.

In an email....God, how disrespectful is that???

Roughly it said:

<< Sorry for only contacting you know, I know that's not very correct.

I had to let everything set in my head.

I can't really add something to my email of last week, this is still the way I think and feel.

I live in zombie mode and actually I'm refusing to take my normal life back up again.

But with time, I'll get back on my feet.

I appreciate your mail setting some things straight.

Next to that I realize we can't keep doing this through mail. You deserve more explanation from me.

And you don't deserve to be kept in the dark without knowing anything, I realize that too.

My life has to continue and so does yours, therefore I think you currently deserve to know it won't be our life.

And maybe now I'm the 'bitch' for doing this through mail, but I have to be stronger first to be able to talk about this face to face.

Kiss

>>

Needless to say I was heartbroken yesterday.

I felt truly like I've cut open my body and put my heart on the table when I wrote her my email last week.

Now I feel like she let my heart rot for 4 days and then stabbed it with a dagger.

So yesterday I was with two friends discussing a business opportunity when I went to the toilet and got her mail.

I read on the toilet that I was dumped....ooooooh, the irony.

My friends tried to cheer me up. One moment I was laughing because of them, the other moment I was crying in their arms.

It's so unfair...

[Fred79]

I woke up at 4 AM again this morning, unable to sleep again.

My heart was pumping like a maniac.

Still 1 moment I was crying, next I was whistling....what is wrong with me.

I'm a stable person normally...

I don't know what to feel.

I wrote her a impulsive email back....stupid of course.

<<Nooooooo

Please don't do this.

I was with friends of mine yesterday, friends who know me very very well.

They had tears in their eyes because they were touched.

They never saw me this way, they realized I found the 'one', the one I would do anything for.

They know how hard it's for me to not contact you and leave you alone, but still I did it to respect your wish.

I would do anything to respect you and get back what we had, once you're ready for it.

I've read all our text messages yesterday...ALL. 11.000 in 2 months!!

I can't say how many times I came by texts you wrote me saying 'you're the sweetest', 'thank you for your patience', 'I realize you're completely different than my previous boyfriends and you're the first to respect me'. I didn't change, I'm still the same person.

I love you soooo much and would do anything for you.

I respect you don't want to meet face 2 face yet.

But can I please call you? Please?

That's all I'm asking.

>>

Also I wrote her a text message << I respected all you asked for. Now there's only 1 single thing I ask you to respect: can I please call you this afternoon, please?>>

No response, nothing. Oh hell, I could have lived with 'not now please, can we do this next week', but nothing at all.

I feel like a piece of sh*t. I feel like I've been taken out, like garbage.

Damn, that's the hardest part, am I nothing to her???

[Fred79]

And then there's my positive character that kicks in.

I can't help it, I always try to look at things in a positive way and believe people have nothing but good in them.

She does it quick and dirty, right?

My life, your life, not our life.

That's cruel!!! All say so.

Even people who try to understand her point of view say this is harsh.

This is nothing like her.

Or I have been immensely wrong about someone for the first time in my life.

So 2 possibilities:

1) she means what she says. She has been feeling bad about our relationship all the way and wants to cut it off. In that case she has been playing games for 2 months. If so, well played madame cause I didn't get it. I know I'm always the enthusiast guy in the relation and there's always a chance I'm not seeing I'm far more in love than the other one. But as I told you I went through all our text messages. Texts as 'you're truly the first guy that's so sweet for me, the first one to be so respectful.' 'I'm truly happy now and want to do all in my power to make you happy too' 'I don't want another guy, I'm extremely happy with my guy'....this proofs I wasn't the only one thinking in this way, right?

Especially if the week after her father died she wrote my friend's wife to check if I was OK. That she loved me to pieces but was facing a real hard time and didn't have the time nor the energy to be there for me.

Well if these were all games and she has been lying all the time about her true feelings....bravo. If really she wasn't sure about us she has a talent for acting. If this is the truth, then I should be happy that it's over, another scar on my heart but I'll survive and the best is yet to come.

2) She really is as I think she is. She's in the twilight zone now, she has no clue what's going on. She's not thinking in a rational way. Has no control over her feelings. And so she doesn't know what to say, what to think,.... Also she doesn't know what to do about me. She knows I try to do my best, she knows I'm hurt by not seeing her. She knows I cry a lot about her. And that hurts her, she's hurt for me being hurt and she doesn't want that. She feels bad cause she can't leave me in her life now. She wrote this in a message last week. Literally saying: I want you to be a part of this but I just can't and I feel bad about that. Also she caring about me by asking my friends if I'm OK,....saying them she still loves me but has no room for me now...I just can't believe she's playing games.

On top of that I told you she always think about others first and in the last place about herself.

Well, what I believe: that she knows I'm hurt and she doesn't want me to get hurt. She doesn't want me to wait as she can't tell me how long it will take. She knows I'm looking for answers and she can't give them. She fears more waiting will hurt me more. She said: I don't want to push you away. But I just don't know how to behave. I'm scared of hurting you. Therefore she puts her own feelings aside and breaks off the relation. She thinks this will hurt me one more short period and then I will get over it where waiting will hurt me more and longer. Besides, she hasn't given any reason at all for breaking up with me.

Am I trying to get my hopes up? I don't know but I believe not.

I believe I'm right with option 2.

Only thing now is.....what should I do??

Please help.

Fred

[SadMellyDelly]

You NEED to leave her alone and give her space. Please. If you love her as much as you say you do, please stop messaging her/contacting her friends/having people pass on messages. She has already told you she doesn't have the energy for you right now. You will push her to the point of no return if you keep this up. Now is the time to focus on you.

[Pollara]

Fred, the problem is that you try to think her actions by rationality. When someone has depression cannot think with a clear mind or be rational.

I believe she meant what she told you, but at that point she cannot be with you. She broke off things with you because she doesn't have it on her to devote in a relationship. In which way you will try to think of it you won't manage to do anything. Yes she has a problem, yes she is in the twilight zone. Yes she cares about you. And yes maybe in the past she put other people over herself, but at that time she can only think of herself and what she is going through.

Are you able to wait and maybe don't get anything in the end? If yes, then set a time limit and wait patiently. If not just try to move on. She won't become better from the one day to other and maybe not even from one month to other. And even if she cared deeply about you, it doesn't mean that after her depression she will still care about you in a romantic way.

I know that it is difficult to understand it as it is for me, but this is how things are. If you read other people's stories in this forum you will find a lot of similarities but usually the results were the same.

Even the guy who started this thread, he was with his girlfriend for so many years. Other girls were engaged. I was in the same situation with you and I also don't have any reason to doubt what my ex told me, that he believed them at that time. But now we are not even friends.

I know that you cannot do something else rather than thinking about it, but is it something you can do? No. So decide what you will do by yourself. Because at the end of the day, noone guarantees that she will return to you, no matter how much she loved you.

I have made this dialogue with myself and my friends for the last 4-5 months. I even give myself a glimpse of hope. That it cannot be, when and if he feels better since he meant all that, he will fly back to me. But on the one hand you never know the when and if and on the other hand, as already mentioned, some people for some reason make links with the deceased and their grieving process. we remind them of dark times and we cannot be with them.
And also if you read the stories, noone gave a logical reason for breaking up. Please don't try to get into her mind, you will end up crazy.

For me there are only two options. Wait or move on without waiting. You cannot do something else. You can try to force yourself over her but in my opinion you won't get any results.

To be honest I don't believe that if you do that you will push the other to the point of no return but I don't believe you will get something out of it either. For me either you push or not you will have the same result. I am not to the pushy side anyway in my character and it wil be out of my character to push someone, but I can say that I admire those that they are like that. Since she asked you to be alone and break things off right now the only thing you can tell her is that you will be there for her.

[Fred79]

I guess you're right.

But that doesn't mean I like it.

I guess there's that 1 question that will keep driving me crazy.

What if....

What if her father just lived till he was 90???

Would all have worked out?

I was so happy these last 2 months...happier than I have been in the last 5 or more years...

Why did this happen to me....

[kayc]

But her father didn't live until he was 90. THIS is the scenario you have to deal with. I want to say first of all, I am so sorry you find yourself in this boat...the same place as the rest of us. Jim broke up with me by Fed Ex. You ask if she never meant what she said, if she was acting, I don't think so. Jim was one of the most honest people I've met, but he was also non-confrontational, and in his grief state, did not have it in him to communicate with me face to face. He knew he was hurting me, doing me wrong, but unable to do otherwise...just as your girl did to you. She would have reacted this way with any BF so in that sense it isn't personal, as in YOU personally, but it sure as hell feels personal, I know!

Your best bet is to try and put her behind you and move forward with your life. The sooner you take steps to do so, the quicker you'll heal your broken heart, and believe me, I speak from experience. Right now you are killing yourself, stretching out the inevitable, hurting yourself by doing so.

Spend all the time you can with your friends. Let yourself cry at night to get it out, but in the daytime, keep busy. Eventually the tears will cease and it won't hurt so much...and one day you'll realize it doesn't hurt at all. But I will be honest, it will probably always drive you crazy, the not getting answers, not understanding. Trying to make sense of it is fruitless, but believe me, I tried for a very very long time. And all to no avail. All we know is they can't handle a relationship, not even one waiting in the wings. You see, they'd always know it was there, always feel they were shortchanging us, so they make a clean break. They won't listen to rationale, won't discuss options/alternatives to breakup. They are doing what they want to do, what they feel is best for them...and now it's up to US to do what is best for US.

There isn't a why. Why did my husband die? It took my lifetime to find him and we were so happy! Why did my boss just lay me off? Why did I get hit by a truck last night? Why does my mom have Dementia? All fruitless questions. It's not about "why", it's what are we going to do now.

You've already told her you'd be there for her, she knows where to find you. I believe no response is the best response, leave her alone. Perhaps it'll drive HER crazy wondering! But at any rate, do what's best for YOU.

[Pollara]

Fred I have the what ifs. And it is also fun in its way because if their parents (my ex, your ex, kayc's etc) hadn't die the case would have been different. Yes you will probably have stayed together. Even my friends believe that me and my ex would have still been together. The what ifs are the worst. BUT, for me they are the worst when you could have done something else and you didn't do it. You cannot do anything with things that are not dependent to you. Yes it is unfair that this happened to us. As unfair is that she lost her father. It is also unfair that the majority of people want people around them to comfort them, or a lot are turning into their significant other and in our cases it was the total opposite. Seriously, when I was thinking what is going to happen when his mother will die, was that he would be really sad and that he would have wanted me around to comfort him. But no, unfortunately Fred we were all unlucky.

For me the biggest what if it is, what if I had chased it more. When my ex broke up with me he asked me, what do you think?we are two in this relationship and I cannot decide like that. But I told him that although it is not what I want I resprect his decision, I know that these things require a lot of time and when he will feel better he can find me. I make a thousand times this scenario in my mind with me trying to convince him not to break things off at that time. What if I had been to my country for summer. Of course my rational self tells me that the outcome would have been the same.

I am sorry that I cannot give you any further advice on how to get her back, because if I knew it I would have already done the same. As KayC mentioned it isn't personal. No matter how long you would have been together or if he was other the outcome would have been the same.

On the one hand is not personal, bt unfortunately it can turn to personal, if they make a connection with you and their dark hours. I hope this won't be the case.

Τhe only thing that I can tell you is that I don't believe that your girlfriend she will let people near her as relationships in the near future. If you want to wait then be patient and let her alone. If not try to move on (I know better said than done) and if she feels like it at some time in the future she knows where to find you. Moving on is a win-win situation anyway. There are two outcomes. You move on, you are happy with your life. If she comes back and you are single you can give her a second chance and it is your win. If she comes back and you are happy with another girl it is your win anyway. But imagine to wait and in the end nothing happens or the worst, learn that she found another, what will you do in this case?Think of yourself as stupid that you didn't move on already.

Personally I don't hold hopes, or maybe I hold some subconscious one, but realistically taking the subject no I don't believe that there is going to be any kind of relationship between me and my ex. not even in friendly level. I am trying to find a way to move on and I hope the best for you.

And as KayC and my previous ex who are friends told: this is the given case, her father died, she broke up with you, you cannot do something to change the past, we don't have a time machine and even if we had it might have been inevitable. So this is the given and we should do what is best for the given.

It kills me to see my ex at the chat and not to talk at me. Not even a single hi. It kills me to see him uploading photos on Facebook from his holidays (think that we were planning our holidays together before this happended), it kills me that every common friend comes and since he doesn't know what he is been going through they tell me how much fun he has, but what can I do?

[Fred79]

I know....I need to move on and respect her decision.

But the decision is based on reasons outside of your power and that's hard.

you know...I'm a positive guy and I know if I find someone new all these thoughts will disappear and I will be up to speed again.

But for now I do care too much about her. I wish in the first place she'd be OK.

And I can't force her in getting back together.

And even if that would happen, I wouldn't be happy if she changed too much. You know, like evenings where she says nothing, being mad at me for no good reason...I hope not for her but is she's going to be able to be stable again...and if so...when?

You're right Pollara, I'm 34, I don't want to wait for 1 year or longer and see no or very little progress. I want to be happy too. And yes, it is unfair. If she had sought support with her boyfriend I would have been there every second for her. I would have comforted her and very likely all this would have brought us even closer.

This is the hard, but I realize it's even harder for her. She lost her father and in a way I'm convinced she doesn't want to lose me too.

I can move on and although my heart is shattered and scarred now, I know it will heal. Her father is gone forever.

And I'll do my very best to move on and maybe find someone new in the next coming months....because like you Pollara, it would be very hard for me to see her with another person first.

I don't know what will happen, I don't know if she will want a boyfriend again...maybe she will never want a person close to her ever again as she could afraid of also losing that person. I don't know.

The only thing I wish from her now is when she's let's say not OK, but better and ready to reason, then I would like a good talk with her. And I think she will do that. I'm quite convinced she'll allow that. Especially if now I do leave her alone. And we'll see. 99,99% chance all will remain the same but I just want some more explanation, I want some answers.... And 0,01 % by then and by seeing me again something might grow again between the 2 of us. But I think I have to be realistic.

Pollara, I do think you living in another country has nothing to do with it. I live very close by. 10 minutes by car and I'm there. But she kept me distant anyway. It felt like I lived 1000 km away. And yes, that's hard. My brother in law also asked her if a surprise visit by me would cheer her up. She said no, I want to be left alone. So, being persistent as you say might have had the opposite effect.

Yesterday the girlfriend of her father sent me a text: I really think this is very unfortunate for you. On the other hand I know your girlfriend thought this through and did this not impulsive. It's clear she has no energy left to put in a relationship and it's better she has let you know this eventually. The way how she did it, I think the recent events have a lot to do with this of course. I think you better let her go now. Not easy but please respect her choice. Take care.

Well, isn't that proving she breaks up because she has no energy left and prefers to stop me from being hurt now than take this further till who knows when.

I believe so. Although that's a very small comfort.

I hate the fact that some say the biggest clichés around now: there are more fish in the see. WTF, that's not want I want to hear now. I know that. And I certainly hope I may come across some person that makes me forget about her, or at least not think about her every day.

I'm going to change my cell background not to think about the happy times all the time. Although it was only 2 months...it were 2 fantastic months. As I said the best ones I had in the last 5 years. And now, I have to start all over again. I want children too...really I do, and I don't want to be an old dad. And I want children with someone I feel really good with. And she was such a person.

I don't believe in the concept of 'the one'. I think there are hundreds or thousands or even ten thousands of 'ones' for each person. You only have to find one of them. And she was one of them... It makes me very sad to let her go. UI don't want to but I know I have to. There's no future here. And it will only make me feel worse if I keep on believing it. But I have to wait some more time anyway.... Before I can leave this behind me I want to have our chat. And I know I cannot rush this. I have to wait till she's ready for it. Because only if she's ready she will be able to give me the answers I want.

So, although I want to move on, I'm doomed to wait again...