Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[kayc]

Yes that story is quite true. Don is the one who really kept the faith. He was amazing. He was so young and it was a very hard situation, I just tried to be there for him and encourge him, and so did my husband, George. Throughout everything, Don kept his wonderful sense of humor. I remember him writing me when he was in county, before he went to the state prison, and saying, "Okay God, I've learned my lesson, you can let me out now!" I remember later him writing, "Some people say God is trying to build my character...but I thought I already WAS quite a character!" Don loved her selflessly, willing to let her go if she'd be happier with someone else, and patient with her. In the end, it paid off. He views Melissa as HIS hero, she was there for him when he got out. They say you come out the same emotional age as when you went in, so you have a lot of catching up to do, a lot to learn. While other kids his age were learning how to handle finances, drive, build credit, further their careers...he was learning quite different things...how to survive without getting stabbed, how to get along with all sorts of people, how to focus and keep levelheaded in the middle of turmoil and stress. I think they're both pretty amazing and am so glad they have each other. I think it's important to keep the big picture in mind. I am older and I think that also lends a bigger perspective, realizing that life doesn't always stay as it is in this moment, but it will get better. It's important to realize that other people do not belong to you in the sense that you should control them, it's important to respect others and their differences.

What you have been through is what I went through with Jim except we never reconciled our relationship as before, but instead have been able to maintain a friendship. Yes I miss him as it was when we were engaged but I have had to accept that is not his wish and realize that with what he has put me through in the past year, that's not good enough for me, it's not enough for me for a life partner. I have to want more than that or not at all. I deserve better.

[Tom19]

Fern's birthday is today, she's out in Greece till next week but I've texted her just wishing her a happy birthday.

[Miri]

I think you're doing all the right things, Tom. And it's good that you have mutual friends and are still interacting with each other, have chances to run into each other, even if it's painful and awkward right now that she isn't behaving as she used to. I think however with time she'll become more comfortable, and because you do see each other sometimes with other friends, it seems like it'll be easier for you to eventually be able to talk to each oher again and possibly get back together. I know that this has been the case for some of my friends who split up and then over time, because they would hang out together again, ended up back together because they realized they liked each other too much to stay apart. It seems like she just needs some time to herself for now. I know it's hard, but I think it would be good for you to find some distractions to focus on as well. Try to be happy!

My bf's birthday is next week too, I'm thinking about sending him a card. Do you think trying to call him would be too much?

[Tom19]

I wouldn't send a card or call them, just send a text. It's easier that way. All 3 do the same but texting is the easiest as you know that they will get it and you haven't got to worry about them picking up the phone and you not knowing what to say.

Yeah, I'm keeping busy, it doesn't seem to bother me as much right now, I feel okay. I'm going out with a girl to the Cinema's next week so that will be good, more than anything it's female company. And seeing as we haven't spent time with each other before it will be nice to get to know her too.

This isn't me saying I don't care about Fern, more acting in a way that I don't care so I fool myself into thinking everythings okay without her being here. If I have hope, which I did have for way too long then I'll never recover from it.

[kayc]

You are all such wonderful people and don't deserve this, I hope you know that. I would have given anything to have had someone in my life that cared about me like we all cared about our intended, but now I no longer trust because of this so that's not likely to ever happen. You guys are young though so I hope your lives move on eventually to be happy...for me this is just the last straw in a life of heartbreaks...I had one man that truly loved me and he died, I should have given up then.

[haveFAITH]

You know that giving up is not the answer Kay. You just have to keep believing that tomorrow will be better than today. What is meant to be, is inevitable.

[kayc]

I've had six major relationships all ending in heartbreak...three divorces, two broken engagements and one death...that one was the good relationship and for some reason God chose not to let me keep it. I have absolutely no desire to ever have another man in my life...I never felt this way before, I was always hopeful I'd find the one, but after all I've been through (I'm 58) I feel other people are luckier than I am and it's not worth it to me to go through all the drama and heartache that men bring. I like my peace. If God has someone for me He'd have to introduce us and prove it, and it'd take a lot of proving ground for me to believe it! I am NOT looking! right now I'm in survival mode, just concentrating on trying to find a job and keep my home and have no time to waste on men.

[haveFAITH]

Do you like to read Kay? Have you ever heard of the Secret, By Rhonda Burne? ...give it a try. Perhaps there is a deeper meaning behind each habitual heartbreak

[Tom19]

Thought I was doing great but I'm on a downer currently. Really feels like every 2 weeks I'll get down about it all, then pick back up, only to feel down again in another two weeks. I don't think it helps being off from work, spending time alone, especially considering I only took these two weeks off for Fern's birthday and for the holiday we was going to take with her family.

[Miri]

Hi Tom,

I really feel for you. Wish I could do something to help cheer you up. I know how you feel. It comes back in waves. I have days where sometimes I feel like I can be at peace and feel that everything's going to be okay. But days off from work, when I have a lot of time alone, are hard. I was never like this before, used to not mind being alone, because I had a very active social life. I actually used to complain that I never had any time to myself at home. But everything's different now. Last Saturday and today I haven't felt like eating or even getting out of bed. I just lie here and cry and wonder when things will ever get better. It is taking so long.

I'm so sorry that you are stuck with all this time off that you had planned to spend with Fern, and now have to go through them alone. That is so rough and unfair. I hope you have friends and family who you can spend time with. Try to force yourself to go out, walk around, eat good food, see a movie, buy something nice for yourself. The bad feelings will pass eventually.

[Tom19]

I don't understand, I'll never understand. I'll never get the chance to speak to Fern about things, nor will she be willing to explain things or attempt to get in touch with me. When I was the one who sat with her, held her, wiped her tears away for two whole months without complaining once, or moaning that we wasn't seeing each other etc. Then one day she just gives up and cuts me out. I wish her the best, I hope she's happy and having a good time in life and is no longer feeling so down about everything but part of me feels like she's a bitch, she doesn't deserve happiness because of how she's treated me, someone she loved!

With regards to myself, I've really started to work out, eat better etc. I've been doing it since Wednesday and I've already lost 1kg! My aim is to lose another 13kg by the end of this year, and then look at toning myself up really. It will make me feel more confident and increase my chances of finding someone else, will also give me the time to fully get Fern out of my mind.

Holiday plans have changed as Las Vegas worked out over £4000! So instead we're going to Turkey on the 8th July 2012 for a lads holiday. Will be the youngest going at 21 years old, will be a good time and it's something to look forward to, even if it is a year away!

[kayc]

Well you'll have a good time with your friends no matter where you go! I know it hurts like hxll at first and then it's infuriating...I was in shock for months! But eventually you get better and feel like, "well, it's their loss!"

Wishing you the best, as always,

Kay

[Tom19]

Finally had enough of everything so decided to text Fern, she replied with a lovely text: (Mind the swearing, she's classy!)

"Will you leave me the **** alone. I don't have to text back to every pointless stupid text. I don't have to give you a reason why. You'll get all your s*** back but not right now whilst I'm being sick. Don't text me, don't talk to me until I talk to you."

Such a lovely person these days!

Anyway I replied with:

"Get the the **** off your high horse. Don't give me s*** when you've been so pathetic about everything. It's been nearly 3 months! I forgot it was all my fault over what happened. You're a joke. I love how one day you was planning things etc then the next you completely changed your mind. I've never done anything wrong to you, I would have done anything for you. Plus they were hardly pointless texts. And leave out the personal insults, I've never said a bad word about you. A little bit of communication from you would've meant I wouldn't have had to resort to nagging you! Think about it!"

[Miri]

I'm so sorry that she snapped at you like that!!! You deserve better but it just seems like she cannot give you her best right now. She is grieving, she is not herself. It's been three months, yes, but people who have experienced a great loss like this have told me that things work on a different time scale when one is grieving, and it may not seem like long to her. Three months feel like nothing. My co-worker advised me to wait at least six months before expecting anything close to feeling "normal" again. For some people it can take longer. It doesn't mean you should hang on to hope, because it's entirely up to you to move on, she may never be able to return to the way she was before. But just not to expect her to behave as she would normally, until more time has passed. She probably just isn't able to deal with pressure or stress from anything right now.

I know it's hard, but I'm sure you will get a better talk with her someday, if you don't push for it. Time heals all. I know it's much easier said than done as I am going through the exact same thing myself, and there have been many days where I desperately wanted to do the same thing you did and call my bf out on the poor way he has treated me.

Please keep posting and let us know how you feel, what you are doing to cope.

[Tom19]

She never replied after I laid into her. She needs to be told, she can go on holiday with her friends, she can do whatever with everyone else but she can't even speak to me! It's actually nearly 5 months since her Dad passed away, it's been nearly 3 months since we broke up. She needs to know that the world doesn't revolve around her, she needs to wake up and smell the coffee. I'd love for her to want me back, just so I could turn around and crush her into the ground when I laugh in her face. No one has ever wound me up so much and felt me so angry in my entire life, it's a good job she wasn't saying that to my face cause I would have lost all control with it.

This is going to come across as me being cruel etc. But no, too many people are nice to her, too many people will pretend to be her friend, too many people will let her do what she likes without a care in the world. Well I f****** care for her, I was there to comfort her, I was the one who helped her by, I was the one who answered her calls and ran around for her whilst she was struggling to deal with it all! So I have the right to tell her what I feel and to give her something to think about!

I'm feeling like rubbish because I'm ill right now, but today Fern crossed a line. She can have her wish, I won't get in touch with her again, forget it, forget her. She can burn my stuff if she wants, I couldn't care anymore.

[haveFAITH]

Tom dear, in reading all of the things you have done for Fern... I respect you for having done so. "Well I f****** care for her, I was there to comfort her, I was the one who helped her by, I was the one who answered her calls and ran around for her whilst she was struggling to deal with it all!" But all of those were things that you did for her that were extra. She never asked for it, but you did it, because you were being a true gentleman. But now, what was the one thing that she DID ask you for? ...to give her some time and space for a while, right? And that seems to be the one thing that you cannot do. Trust me, I do know how this feels, as I am going through the EXACT same thing. But that is one thing that someone had pointed out to me. You’re doing this and that and everything for her because you love her, but what about the one thing she actually is asking you to do? I know it is SO SO hard, but sometimes the best thing to do –is just to do nothing. Please keep us updated with this and let us know how you are coping. We are all here to help each other through this.

[kayc]

By forcing ourselves upon someone, we are actually trying to control them and the situation. Sometimes you have to let someone go to see if they'll return to you, and if they do not, it's good to know that too. Whatever love we give, we give freely, not to get in return or be reciprocated. It's hard when someone breaks promises or isn't honest with you, and that feels like a hard breach to get past, but even so, we have to accept it and move on. Trust me, been there...

[Tom19]

I'll give her all the space she wants from now on, all I ever asked for was one little line from her saying what she finally as done, yet it was like I had to force it from her. I don't see why I should respect her when she treats me like crap? I can't understand it, she's not going to give me a insight into it yet she can go off doing whatever she wants.

[Daughter2010]

I have been following this thread and have a few words for you Tom. It is time to let Fern go.

She knows you are gentleman, if her feelings for you remain with her as she goes through the grieving process, she will come back to you. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. As simple as that.

You have offered your help, advice, etc. It is time to take care of yourself. By that I mean, focus on yourself, do not expect her to text you back or say hi or anything. DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING from her.

She needs time to grieve, alone as she has expressed. If she goes out with the whole entire world and keeps on ignoring you, oh well, let her be.

She may come back to you, but now there is nothing you can or cannot do that will make her look at her relationship with you.

You have given enough. It is time to continue your own life, take care of yourself without expecting anything from her.

Give yourself the value you deserve! and pursue your dreams, find what makes you happy. I am sure you will do just fine.

That's my 2 cents.

-L

[haveFAITH]

Although what Daughter has said may have been in a way that was more straight forward and harsh....... it is true. True even for myself. Hard to hear, hard to accept, and even harder to put into practice (which is why we all come back here to help each other get through it). Day by day. One day at a time. As sad as it is think of now, you will move past Fern.

[kayc]

Tom,

I know it's hurt so much, and I think your letting go of her (at least for now) is best for you but I care about you and hope you'll update us from time to time on how you're doing.

I pray blessings follow you in your life, you're one terrific young man and you deserve so much better than you've gotten!

Kay

[Daughter2010]

Everyone,

I didn't mean to sound harsh with my piece of advice, I just wanted to say things how they are. Tom has a big big heart, and because of that he deserves to be happy. I simply put things in perspective. I have been on the other end too, being dumped with no explanation whatsoever, and yes it is difficult to hear the truth and accept it.

I also know grief is complicated, I lost my father, and the world hasn't been the same for me ever since.

With that being said, I know Tom gave his best at the relationship, and whether it is true we don't know what tomorrow will bring, it is time to focus on the here, on the now and to focus on our own lives, our own dreams, our own goals.

People will do what they feel like doing, for whatever reason. We can't judge others by their reactions either because we are not them. Who knows what goes on in Fern's world, she expressed how she wanted to deal with her situation and that must be respected.

Life is full of surprises, we truly don't know what tomorrow will bring but this life is so short that it will seem that 10 or 15 have gone by in the blink of an eye. We will encounter people in our path, and we can only promise to give the best of ourselves always without expecting anything in return. If those we meet are appreciative of our gestures, great. If not, it doesn't matter, we keep going and searching for what makes us happy.

That's all.

-L

[Tom19]

Hello, hope all is well!

Had a text message from Fern today, basically saying "Hi, I found you Inbetweeners DVD. When you're free we'll have to meet up and sort things out." So I replied (7 hours later mind) "Hi. Oh cheers. I'm rather busy at the moment but I'll let you know when Im free."

I've waited, now she can.

[haveFAITH]

I understand that it probably makes you feel good to give her a taste of her own medicine. But if you love this girl, dont play games. What she did to you was because she was hurt and it was out of her control. What you are doing, is intentional. Ofcourse dont make it easy for her, but if you still care, please show it by acting and reacting through good communication and love.

[Tom19]

No, I don't get a kick out of it, I just don't like her anymore. I did love her, I don't love her anymore. I communicated with her in a friendly way, but I won't let her walk over me or will I let her have a hold on me anymore. The Fern I knew has gone forever, nothing I can do and I'm not going to wait around for something that isn't ever going to come back. I hope she has a good life but I don't want her in mine.