Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[Miri]

Fern's going on holiday on the 1st July with her friends for a week, part of me is happy that she seems to be kind of getting there and hopefully she has a good time and maybe after that she can really start to pick up. But then another part of me is annoyed and angry at the fact she can throw me away yet jet off 2,000 miles to a different country! I can hardly say anything to her about it either!

I know that must feel strange. I know my bf also went on a fun weekend trip with a few friends a couple of weeks ago (I only heard about it from a mutual friend as he hasn't been in touch with me recently). What made it worse for me was that it was a trip that he had previously told me about and wanted me to come with him on. It was still marked in the online calendar we shared together. I had mixed feelings when I heard about him going on this trip - first I was vexed because I was no longer included in travel plans we had made together and he hadn't cancelled them either - made it seem like he wasn't grieving very hard then? But my second reaction was to feel somewhat okay with it because I hoped it meant that he would start feeling more like his normal self again and maybe he'd realize that he missed me. I don't know, just like you I have no idea what's going on with him anymore.

Just so strange to once be so close to somebody and then have nothing, not even their friendship, through no fault of your own. But I hope it helps you to know that you're not the only one going through this.

[Tom19]

It's frustrating! Basically me and Fern had planned to go Italy in July, Cornwall in August and then Blackpool in October. So I've got the time off work at those times but no longer need the time off anyway! So now I'm stuck as to what to do with myself during those times when it should have been special times in different places for me and Fern to share special memories.

The way things so quickly as well is astonishing, I really can't believe it. Obviously we don't know what they're thinking etc. I'm sure somewhere deep down they care but right now they can't show that or seemingly can't put any effort into the relationship so maybe it's best left alone anyway.

[Miri]

I know! It's so tragic. We had also been talking for a while about trips to take this summer and fall, including going overseas to Europe and various places around the country. He hadn't done much travelling except for work in a long while (before meeting me), so we were really looking forward to all this.

I'm so sorry you are left hanging now with all this time off. I hope you can still take a trip of some kind, though I know it would probably feel strange to go anywhere without her when that was not what you had planned. I was thinking about putting the money I had saved into a trip with some friends, but I'm not sure yet.

What they're doing is emotional selfishness, but at a time like this maybe they just can't help it unfortunately. I begin to wonder whether something like this might be insurmountable though, as even if they do eventually come around, there may always be lingering issues.

[Tom19]

I still have the e-mail saved from when Fern sent me at the end of January whilst I was at work and she was bored at College. She basically had planned our whole summer together including trips that we could take to London, France, Italy and Cornwall and how she called me her 'lovely boyfriend' and that she 'loved me so much'. It's a shame that all of that now seems a decent memory.

I've done that, I'm saving up now for Las Vegas which I'm going with friends in July 2012. It's going to roughly cost around £3,500 sound I need to start saving now! Never been to America before so I'm so looking forward to it. Only problem is it's still 13 months away!

[kayc]

Obviously they aren't quite who we thought they were and better to find out now instead of marrying them first. I mean, what if we'd been married and then they went through the grief and dumped us? I can't help but feel there was something wrong to start with and they're using the grieving as a platform to break up with us on...the fact that they never indicated it to us is indicative that they have problems being authentic with us and communicating their true feelings...after all, they didn't dump their family and friends. I am as bewildered as you are! I wish I could make some sense of this but I've come to the conclusion that Jim will never level with me which shows an emotional immaturity on his part, and he wasn't real with me to begin with, which shows deception on his part...I don't want to be married to someone like that so I have to look at this as a blessing even though he ripped my heart out to the extent I can no longer trust and don't want a man in my life. I mean, he really capped it off for me and doesn't even seem to show remorse or feel guilty. If I hurt someone to that extent, I would feel TERRIBLE! But I would always be honest and up front and would never dump anyone in this way or leave them hanging, wondering what happened. I'm just not like that...that's why I don't deserve this treatment and am better off without someone in my life that cares so little about me.

I'd say, take your holidays as planned...just find someone else to do it with. Take a friend, find another date, take your mom, your sister, anyone, but go have fun! Incidentally, I know taking your mom may not sound like much fun, but I'm a mom...my kids are grown, I was a great mom to them, and now that they're in their late 20s, they don't do anything with me, they have lives of their own...it hurts. It would be so neat if they would build a memory with me, but they don't. Something that someday when I'm dead and gone they could look back and remember and be glad they had that time. It would mean so much to me. When my husband passed away my son said he'd take me camping (I haven't camped since George died) but he never has and it's been six years, he goes with his friends. Just something to think about. I'd always wanted to take our dogs to the coast together but he always dismissed the idea...I just learned he took his dog to the coast for the first time...I wasn't there to see his reaction and my dog has never been there, I feel like he missed an opportunity he could have looked back with the rest of his life.

[Tom19]

That's so sad Kay!

It really made me think the way I go about things with my Mum and Dad. My Dad and I never do anything together, I really don't have a close connection to him as he's always been closer to my Brother than me, and so I was always with my Mum when I was younger. I take my Mum out sometimes for dinner and stuff but I know that I should do it more, but I just feel like it's not great fun and it makes me feel bad about it but I'd rather do with things with other people, like Fern for example.

[Miri]

Obviously they aren't quite who we thought they were and better to find out now instead of marrying them first. I mean, what if we'd been married and then they went through the grief and dumped us? I can't help but feel there was something wrong to start with and they're using the grieving as a platform to break up with us on...the fact that they never indicated it to us is indicative that they have problems being authentic with us and communicating their true feelings...after all, they didn't dump their family and friends. I am as bewildered as you are! I wish I could make some sense of this but I've come to the conclusion that Jim will never level with me which shows an emotional immaturity on his part, and he wasn't real with me to begin with, which shows deception on his part...I don't want to be married to someone like that so I have to look at this as a blessing even though he ripped my heart out to the extent I can no longer trust and don't want a man in my life. I mean, he really capped it off for me and doesn't even seem to show remorse or feel guilty. If I hurt someone to that extent, I would feel TERRIBLE! But I would always be honest and up front and would never dump anyone in this way or leave them hanging, wondering what happened. I'm just not like that...that's why I don't deserve this treatment and am better off without someone in my life that cares so little about me.

I don't think it's necessarily them not being authentic, but rather that going through traumatic experiences like this can really change someone and they are not who they were before anymore. Perhaps they just don't have the strength to deal with it. In my case there were no warning signs that this could ever happen - everyone thought we were totally solid. In hindsight it may be easy to say that maybe I should have known there were issues from his dysfunctional family or whatever, and it's the grief that caused that to rear its ugly head, but know one could have known how he'd react. That's the nature of grief I guess.

I know that if his mother hadn't died, we'd have continued being very happy together because he expressed every intent and desire to want a serious long-term relationship with me. And you say what if we had gotten married and this happened - but I think in my case the part of the problem was that we weren't permanently committed to each other yet, which would have helped. He said that he felt like I didn't know him well enough yet to understand his grief and that maybe if we'd been together for many years, he could have been comfortable sharing it with me. I don't think it should take years to understand someone but everyone reacts to grief differently and some people put up higher walls around themselves in reaction to emotional pain than others.

[Tom19]

It's 'Father's Day' tomorrow, thinking of sending Fern a text just saying something simple like "Thinking of you on this day" or something like that.

[niamh]

I think that would be a nice thing to do Tom,i have no words for how hard that day is knowing so many people still get to give a card,gift,hug to their Dad.

[Tom19]

I texted her this morning, no reply but it's not to be expected. All I said was "Hey. Hope you're having a few drinks today for your Dad. Thinking of you x"

Got to see her next Friday and Saturday as it's one of our close friends 18th Birthday so we'll see how things go there! Just going to try and be normal with her, if I don't bring us two up maybe Fern will start to speak to me and maybe it will open up those lines of conversation?

[kayc]

I'll be thinking of you, Tom, as you go, I hope it goes okay.

Miri,

In our case, we were permanently committed, that's why I wonder how they'd respond if they'd been married...to me, engaged is just a step away from marriage and if they can throw you away when you've been engaged for a year, who's to say they wouldn't do the same if they were married. Your point about them putting up emotional walls because of their grief may be right on. It's weird they kept their friendships though, just not us.

[Tom19]

Fern did mention to me when she broke up with me that she just didn't want the relationship to be one sided and that she didn't feel right being with me if she couldn't give me the love and attention that she wanted to. She wanted to be with me and spend time with me like normal but couldn't pull herself to do it. She also mentioned that she didn't want to commit to something after her Dad passed and that she didn't want to be in a position where she had to make me happy, and that if she kept pulling away it would hurt us both. I guess the difference is that they don't have to see friends etc. Or even speak to them if they don't want to but with their partner, it's obviously different.

[kayc]

I kind of felt that was part of it with Jim too, that he just didn't have it in him to invest in a relationship then, but what about later? He never changed after the situation calmed down. He didn't have to break up with me, he could have taken a break, I would have understood if he'd just explained it to me, but he didn't even have it in him to do that. I suppose now he feels he let me down and it's just gone, and maybe he's right. I held on for a few months to see if something would change but it didn't. He talks to me now but it's not like it was and he's careful to keep his distance, not say he misses me or loves me, not come to my place, not go out with me. He's told me a couple of times he thought about it but didn't. I won't push it, I don't want it anymore, I don't need the pain. I don't want someone who could so easily throw me away after all we were to each other. I don't want someone who could disregard what they put me through so thoroughly. No matter the reason. No one could have grieved more than I did when I lost my husband but I never threw anyone away. He wasn't THAT close to his mom. It's weird.

[Tom19]

It's a strange that he will call you more or less everyday, I'm yet to talk to Fern properly since the break up!

Fern and her Dad couldn't have been closer, which is why she doesn't know how to deal with this I'd imagine. Yesterday was a bad day for me, the first for a while actually. Felt better today though.

[Tom19]

Feeling so rubbish about it all just lately! It's nearly 2 months since we split up and still nothing. It will be 4 months tomorrow that Fern's Dad passed away. Doesn't seem that long ago at all really! I miss watching quiz shows with him after work and stuff, I used to sit there and watch TV with him and talk about football to him whilst Fern would be sat speaking to her Mum. I even used to go round just to see her Dad and watch football with him and Fern would be upstairs with friends or doing something else. I miss walking up the path and seeing him wave from his chair too, it's all so different now!

I just know Friday and Saturday will be painful for me, the fact I have to be there around her knowing I won't be holding her when I go bed it's going to hurt so bad.

[Miri]

Tom, I feel exactly as you do - wondering why it's taking so long to even have a proper talk about everything and missing how he and I used to tell each other everything and go through comforting familiar routines together - waking up, having brunch, sharing things, etc. It's hard to understand why our significant others wouldn't feel that absence, but I guess right now the other loss they have suffered overwhelms everything else they may feel.

What you said in an earlier post also echoed what he told me - about how he is able to see his friends because they require less emotional involvement. He said friends will say nice things and then they go away to their own homes, and they won't get upset if he doesn't contact them for a while, etc. I guess the strain of a relationship is just too much for now, but for me what makes it painful is that there is no contact anymore at all, and there doesn't seem to be any good reason for it if we didn't do anything wrong and they still care. He implied that he just had nothing left to give to a relationship anymore. And he also said he wanted to spend time together with me (eventually), even as he was asking for time alone. It just seems like as the days go by and I hear absolutely nothing at all from him, that possibility is fading.

I got some really big news yesterday about getting hired for a new job, and normally he would've been the first person I would tell about something like that, and we'd go out and celebrate. He had been the one who encouraged me to go for it in the first place and due to the commute being easier from his place he said I could leave for work from there - implying that I'd be staying over even more than usual in the future, or possibly moving in. But now I can't even tell him the news as we haven't talked in a long time. I don't know anything about what's going on or how he's feeling, can't even be sure if the memorial service might be happening soon or already happened last weekend. It's so strange and hurts so much.

But maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that this exact same thing is happening over here on the other side of the world too. As you said it doesn't seem to feel that long at all since Fern's dad passed away so maybe it is all still too raw. Hopefully things will get better with time.

[kayc]

Tom,

Fern is not the only one grieving, you are grieving too, both her and her father and the life you had. It takes time to find a new normal, and right now everything is a reminder of your loss. I went through that too, it was esp. hard for me on weekends because that was Jim's and my time together. I no longer expect anything from him and don't miss it in the same way that I did the first few months. It does get better with time, it's been a long time since I cried over him. Christmas was hard. Having holidays without him here was hard.

[Tom19]

Miri;

Me and Fern were exactly the same, we used to do a lot together and would always be speaking or be with each other. There's somethings I won't do anymore because it reminds me of the times we shared too much. Just little things like making pancakes! We used to make them all the time in the mornings, would make them for her Dad and Brother and then we would have them too, then we would cuddle up on the sofa afterwards feeling sick because we always made too much!

Congratulations on the job! The way your boyfriend was talking is exactly how Fern was just a few days before we broke up! The Thursday before (we split on the Saturday) she was telling me how she was trying to change her hours at work on a Saturday so that she could finish earlier, meaning that when I finished at 6 she could have been home and had a bath and got ready to see me and stuff. The day before we broke up as well things just went back to how they were before her Dad passed which I find really strange! I guess she was just having a bad day and it clicked in her head.

Hopefully for both of us, and anyone else who is going through the same will have a brighter future with the one they've lost.

Kay;

Mine and Fern's time together was really everyday, we generally went the past two years seeing each other every single day, if not we would only be apart for a couple of days. I'm sure I'll get there in the end but there's still things that need sorting between us two. I was thinking maybe I'll just leave until September time and try and reconnect with her in the future.

[Tom19]

Seen Fern today, was pretty much a disaster. We was in our 'old' group of basically me and Fern then 2 other couples but obviously it's me and Fern who don't have the partner anymore. She didn't say hello, I tried to talk to her but she blanked me out. She said bye afterwards but it was more of a general goodbye.

I can't go into detail right now because it's upsetting me too much, I just want to forget the past two years.

[kayc]

Jim and I live 76 miles apart so that's why we only saw each other on weekends, but he'd come home with me Fri. night and wouldn't leave until Mon. morning so we had most of our free time together, plus we talked on the phone every morning and evening and often inbetween.

I am sorry things are still as they are with you and Fern, perhaps someday you can be friends at least and you never know what will happen. I hate to see anyone with false hope but then again, I have to tell you what happened to my daughter. When she was 18 she fell in love with someone (he was 19) and he was going to ask her to marry him, but he was with some friends that got arrested and just because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, he went down with them. Oregon has what they call "mandatory minimum sentencing" which means the judge has no discretion, he has to mete out the same sentence to everyone, so one person is a hardened criminal that was behind everything and armed and someone else is an innocent bystander with no foreknowledge or participation, no priors and not armed, and he gets the same sentence. Don spent 5 1/2 years behind bars, and half of that was in solitary confinement.

At first my daughter visited him every chance she got...spending money she needed for food to travel eight hours to the prison, clear across the state, sleeping overnight in her car, traveling in freezing rain and snow, going through the ill treatment you get from the guards and prison system. Eventually she broke down and just couldn't deal with it anymore and he didn't hear from her anymore. I wrote to him the entire time, at least once a week (I'd known him before she did as we'd worked together) and I let him call me collect once a month. Once a year I'd make the trek over there and visit him. He was accepted into "boot camp" and when he graduated, I was there to pick him up and deliver him to "Sponsors", a place that facilitates reentry into society. During this time, Don was heartsick, he missed Melissa so much, he used to write "just one smile from her would last me the rest of my life!" He clearly had it bad. I used to tell him, "Don, maybe God has someone else for you..." and he'd respond "better than Melissa??? How could that be!" His faith and love never waivered as he prayed for her day in and day out. One day she told me she'd been having dreams about him and she was so distressed because she missed him so much and wanted to be there for him when he got out but wasn't sure if they'd still fit together after all that they'd gone through. I told her she could offer her friendship and see how it went. The rest is history. They resumed friendship and discovered they went together as they always had and now they are older and more mature and their love has been put to the test through thick and thin and found to be true. She never held it against him for foolishly being with some people he shouldn't have and he never held it against her for not being able to stick it out. They both knew their love was amazing and true and they belonged together and this time, older and wiser, they bring their maturity to the drawing board and I am confident they will spend their entire lives together. They have a love much like me and George's. After being engaged several years they got married 09/09/09. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful son-in-law because he adores my daughter...as she does him. So sometimes couples break up and do reconnect and it is good. I think it's important to recognize when to move on and when to give it another chance, but the key is you both have to want the reconciliation, because we have to respect other people's decisions and can't force change, and it has to be a positive relationship (the second time as well as the first).

[Tom19]

That's a nice story, I'm glad things worked out for them!

Well I seen Fern again tonight, tapped her on the shoulder and said hello to her, she spoke very little and would move away if I came near to where she was. And apparently she felt I was giving her dirty looks, even though I thought I smiled every time I seen her.

She looked so beautiful, I wish I could have her back.

[kayc]

I know, Tom,who knows what the future will bring...

[Tom19]

Yeah, this is very true! For some reason I just don't think it's fully over between us, I've got a feeling that in a couple of months, come September time she will think differently.

[haveFAITH]

Kay -That story of your daughter's was so beautiful! Was it true?? I am in such admiration of you, to have been able to be so patient with everything. Even when your daughter couldn’t stick it out, you were there to hold the pieces together for them. They really do have you to thank! But I must ask -how do you do it? What are your techniques for being able to remain so calm and patient in the moment? …that feeling of wanting to do something so badly, how do you stop yourself, and remind yourself to not be selfish of your feelings, but instead respecting of theirs?

Tom –I am in the same boat as you. THE SAME BOAT. Except, I am a girl and this is happening with my guy. We had a relationship going strong, his father got sick, so he started distancing himself from me, his father passed. Then a few months later …I left him alone for a while, and that space made him wonder “Wait. Where did she go?” Then he called me. We were together again for a while. Then Christmas came, he had a wave of grief, missing his father again. He disappeared again, and we speak here and there, where he gives me moments of false hope… and it makes me go crazy, because all I want, all I miss is the person he used to be… and I keep looking for him. But you know Tom… just think about it. You are missing her. But she is missing her father! You have the hope of her “coming back in September”, she has no hope. Her father is gone.

You know how, just as when you go out with your friends, or your family, you can’t eat or sleep and you feel sick all the time, you’re sad and you just want to be alone –BECAUSE YOU MISS HER… SHE IS MISSING HER FATHER—and she needs the space to be alone. It is not that you hate your family or your friends and that is why you don’t want to be with them, or you feel sick and sad everytime you are around them. It is just because you are going through something right now. And once you can fix that, you will be able to concentrate on your friends and family again. That is the same thing with her, and you. Just give her some space. She will come back. Imagine your mother pressuring you all the time, to stay at the family dinner, to do things you don’t want to do. It would make you more and more angry with your mother. Right? –That is the same way she is getting angry with you. For keeping on pressuring her to be with you right now. If you want this to work, you have to give it some time. Please. I promise it will work out for you. Love is a strong bond, and when it is true, it doesn’t go away. Whatever you are feeling, she is feeling it too. Just give her some time.

And keep me updated with what’s going on. Best of luck! (to the both of us)

[Tom19]

It's so very hard to be so patient and understanding when I don't really know what she's thinking! But what you say is right, giving her time is best and who knows what will happen in the future? Of course I'll keep you updated, and I hope things become better for you too.