Girlfriend's Father Passed Away!

[Miri]

Hi Tom, have there been any updates? Were you ever able to sort things out and get your stuff back?

When I finally contacted my ex-bf about getting my things back, he also seemed kind of inconsistent. It took him a couple of days to respond but it was the first thing he'd ever bothered to reply to in the last five months. It surprised me but he offered to meet me in person as well though he hasn't even seemed to be able to respond to emails or wanted to talk to me at all since May. But when it came down to schedule an actual date and time, he went silent again and postponed. It was extremely frustrating that he wouldn't communicate like a reasonable adult.

I don't want to read too much into it but it seems like they're reluctant to completely let go of us even though they are the ones who ended it. There's a part of them that maybe still wants us around even though they want to keep a distance.

[kayc]

Miri,

I agree, they do seem reluctant to completely cut us loose from their lives. It's obvious they don't want things as they were before, but by the same token, seem to want us in their lives somewhat...maybe it didn't seem like that at first when they broke up with us (my ex didn't have any contact with me for over two months after he broke up with me) but there is some sort of a reaching out. I didn't have things at his house, and I took all of his things to him immediately, but he talks to me on a regular basis and his daughter told me he was constantly checking for me on line wherever he knew I might be even when we weren't in contact.

[Tom19]

Hello!

Still haven't got my stuff back, haven't heard from her in a while. I'm far too busy at the moment with other things to bother about getting my stuff back right now. Hope you're all well!

x

[kayc]

Tom,

Thanks for checking in, I've wondered how you're doing. I'm glad you're busy, that's good! You're moving on and that's good too. She's no longer your main focus and that's as it should be. Good luck to you!

Kay

[Tom19]

Hey. Hope everyone is well. It's been a while hasn't it? I've moved on fully now. Me and Fern actually sorted things out and we met up about a month ago. I've met someone new but it's very early in the relationship. Will see how things go.

[kayc]

Hi, Tom! Good to hear from you and that you've moved on. I have too although I can't say as I've moved on TO anything except maybe peace. I haven't dated since Jim, and although we're friends, I accepted a long time ago that it is fully over as anything else. It'd be nice to have answers but I guess we don't always get what we want, do we? Did you ever get your stuff or did you write that off?

[Tom19]

It's a year to the day that Fern's Dad passed away. Yeah, we sorted things out and I got all my stuff back, although it took about 9 months to get that far. I actually just gave up and she randomly popped up out of nowhere over Christmas to get in touch.

[kayc]

Well at least that's done now and your focus can be completely on your life now and in the future.

[haveFAITH]

Tom,

How are things?

[dbeynon]

Wow. I stumbled upon this thread searching for ways to help my girlfriend with the recent death of her father. I was totally sucked in and read every post. 1 hour of entertainment.

My favorite part was when Kay realized that she had been giving really astute, mature relationship advice to an adolescent. Wish I would have found this 9 months ago.

[kayc]

I don't remember that, but then I've posted here a lot. Welcome...this is a great site.

[Tom19]

Hi!

Just randomly remembered this place and popped back to see how things was.

It's been over two years now and things are very different. I still think of her every now and again (Birthday, anniversary of her Fathers passing etc). I owe a lot to this place for helping me get through what I was going through.

I've met a girl, we met last year and have been seeing each other since April. We're taking it slow and I like that, it's pretty chilled and relaxed. I've moved away from home too so now have my own place and don't live near to my ex. She's also pregnant now so obviously she's moved on too which Im glad.

I hope that what I went through will help others in the future, and hopefully I won't need to follow this advice again in the future!

[kayc]

Hi Tom, good to see you! So glad things are going well for you, you deserve some happiness!

[Tom19]

Hope things are well for you!

[kayc]

I'm doing great, I swore off men...it's just me and my dog (and two cats)!

[Tom19]

Oh well I bet they keep you on your toes! I had to leave my dog at home with my Mum and Dad so only get to see her every now and again.

[kayc]

They do! I've lived a lifetime, had several relationships, and it felt after the last two, I just don't feel like going through it again. Better spent on a dog. My dog is gorgeous, goofy, loving, very funny, and a great companion. I have a grumpy old cat that deserves to live her years out in peace (I met her when she was 10, she's 18 now), and another cat that adopted me nearly 8 years ago, I don't know how old she is.

Weren't you wanting to take a trip, and did you ever do so?

[Pollara]

Hi Tom! I am glad that you are doing fine. It kind of makes me sad that in the end after so much patience that you had things didn't work out between you two guys but at least you are ok now. And also you are still too young and you have all your life ahead.

*So your ex is pregnant. In the end she decided to give her energy to someone else. I see)

[Tom19]

They do! I've lived a lifetime, had several relationships, and it felt after the last two, I just don't feel like going through it again. Better spent on a dog. My dog is gorgeous, goofy, loving, very funny, and a great companion. I have a grumpy old cat that deserves to live her years out in peace (I met her when she was 10, she's 18 now), and another cat that adopted me nearly 8 years ago, I don't know how old she is.

Weren't you wanting to take a trip, and did you ever do so?

Sounds fun! I love my dog! She's amazing but unfortunately I couldn't take her with me when I moved out of my parents so they keep her. I get back for a few days a month but its sad that I don't get to see her or my family everyday like usual.

I did plan on going to New Zealand but didn't in the end. I went to Turkey with friends and also visited Ukraine to go Chernobyl and Prypiat which was an amazing and surreal experience. Also going to Spain again soon and then onto Rome and Pompeii next year too.

Hi Tom! I am glad that you are doing fine. It kind of makes me sad that in the end after so much patience that you had things didn't work out between you two guys but at least you are ok now. And also you are still too young and you have all your life ahead.

*So your ex is pregnant. In the end she decided to give her energy to someone else. I see)

Indeed! Looking forward to enjoying my younger years, not that young anymore.. Haha. But hopefully Ill have plenty of memories by time I do decide to settle down.

[kayc]

You know, my son took his time, didn't have any serious relationships but plenty tried...he knew what he wanted though and just went about life enjoying himself and keeping his eye out...he finally met the one he'd been waiting for and they've been happily married for a year now (they're both 29). He's so glad he waited and didn't settle! Enjoy your life...it'll happen in due time, you're a good guy.

[Tom19]

Thanks Kay. I guess it is true, time is a healer.

[Not2bforgot10]

Oh-my-gosh, Tom, I have been following your topic the past two days! When I first saw that your topic was posted back in 2011 and saw that your picture was deleted, I freaked out and thought that maybe you were gone, and I (like you) desperately needed someone to talk to with whom I can relate to.

I am SO relieved to know you're back on this forum and that you just posted yesterday, because I am in your EXACT situation! I/we think and act exactly alike, it's scary!

I am wondering if there's any way you can Facebook me (if you've re-activated your account lol), and/or yahoo message me? I would like to webcam with you and talk to you about this.

And if it at all matters, I am not into dating men, so no conflict of interest here! I just relate to you and need some support right now so I don't make the same mistakes, and better yet, so I can make better decisions for myself and Tracy (your Fern).

If you have Facebook, private message (if that's possible?) me, or post on here your link, and/or you can just yahoo message me. My yahoo messenger name is the same as this one

[Not2bforgot10]

I am going to re-ignite this thread and be the next "Tom," because my situation is identical to Tom's. I will carry the torch now. I am going to start off with copying and pasting the situation from a journal entry of mine, which I ended up posting on another forum for advice (I didn't get any advice by the way - too few members perhaps).

Anyway, this is the situation, which I posted on a psychology forum relating to something called the MBTI (the MBTI states that there are 16 personality types, and I (and Tom) are likely an ENFJ and Tracy and Fern are ISFP) - Google these for more info! Please act as though it's the first time I've posted on here and is fresh and original. I just don't want to hae to re-explain myself and/or re-type everything. I hope you can understand.

August 29^th, 2013 journal

Ever since I found my father dead of a massive heart-attack 10 years ago I have had a pattern of codependence. So, for the last 10 years I have had unhealthy, codependent relationships. If you don't know anything about codependence, it's basically when you have relationships with less developed, destructive, often addicted, ie gambling, porn, sex, alcohol, drugs, people – whim who you are 1. always having to guess/predict (hypervigiliance) what kind of "mood" they are in and act according, and 2. be responsible for their happiness and/or failure. In retrospect, the reason I subconsciously "chose" this lifestyle was to avoid having to face my own painful feelings resulting from my father's death and feeling unreasonably guilty (survivor guilt) of being unable to save him.

Anyway, now I am in this new (6 month old) relationship with my girlfriend (MBTI type: ISFP; Enneagram 6w7) who, aside from her current grief/baggage from a 3-month old 25-year divorce and the loss of her mother due to psychosis, is NOT unhealthy, at least not in the same way or to the degree that my ex's were, and we each have our own baggage, however, keeping the focus on me (a healthy decision I have made), I am sadly and painfully realizing that I am pushing her away with my old codependent and smothering behavior. Note: Update 8/31/13: I am now beginning to think that her difficulty attaching to others plays a part in this and makes things look worse than they are.

I will for instance, randomly and especially if I notice a change in her energy/body language, will often ask her:

"How are you feeling?"
"What are you thinking?"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Did I do something to bother you?"
"You seem to be in a 'mood'"
"Are you grieving?" (She just divorced her husband of 25 years 3 months ago and lost her mother to psychosis at the same time)
"You're not holding my hand"
"You've barely touched me all day"

These things drive her NUTS and frustrate the hell out of her, but I don't always realize I'm doing it in the moment and certainly not the extent of it. Update: Note: Again, I believe that I am blaming myself to an unnecessary degree because I believe she definitely has some attachment issues going on.

Anyway, I get scared (I can't pinpoint the fear, although it seems to go back to my early relationship with my mother and never being able to please her/make her happy - note, she was self-centered, codependent, and narcissistic), and feel the need to fix the situation. It's became a compulsion that I took with me into adulthood after I lost my father traumatically.

As I said, and not to blame things on my past, only to simply identify when this pattern begun, ever since I found my father dead, I have found myself in destructive relationships where I try and fix ("help") people, ie, behave codependently, where I've had to be in "tune" with what they're thinking and feelings, etc. at all times in order to know how to act, often at the extent of my own true feelings.

A lot of them have also cheated, been compulsive liars, stealers, abusive - emotionally, verbally, physically, etc., and I got used to it (through unhealthy levels of codependence).

Well, Tracy (my partner) is not like that – again, not to that degree, and I am bringing old patterns - "baggage," if you will, into the relationship, without meaning to, and I feel terribly bad about it. Update: Note: 8/31/13: Again, she is making me feel worse about it because I truly believe she has attachment issues so any affection to her is too much.

We talked about it tonight, and she said that I am "pushing her away" (quote). This is not the first time she has said this. She has told me several times in the past that I have "suffocated" (quote) her, and that she feels like I am a "cat with my claws in her" (quote). She will say we have really "good" days, but also really "bad" days and the bad days she can't stand with me - that I am insecure, needy, clingy, etc. Note: She has these same qualities but refuses to acknowledge them and doesn’t believe they exist (denial) because they are not being brought forth into the light right now.

With that being said, I need your help! I know your advice will probably be to just give her some space, and while I will certainly do my best to do this, I know that these are some major ingrained patterns that I have going on (Update: 8/31/13: Again, I am blaming myself and putting too much weight on myself because this is what she is projecting onto me and conveying; again, because of her attachment issues making things seem exaggerated and out of proportion, ie misconstrued), and it's going to take some time.

Unfortunately we have a lot going on in our lives right now with all the moving (Note: As a result of the recent divorce, we’ve lived in 3 different places in the past 3 months, and are about to move into a new house that she just purchased). To say the least, patience is running VERY thin. She keeps pushing me away by getting cold, distant, and "bitchy" (quote, -T). Today for instance she was "aloof," and of course, said I am "reading into things" (quote, -T); her favorite thing to say to me, and in my mind it's like, "But you seemed off, but I noticed you were 'acting' different, but I noticed you seemed distance, but I noticed you wouldn't hold my hand, but I noticed you seemed out of character with yourself, ie you drink a beer and that's not like 'you.'"

She says I need to let her "be her own person," etc. How do I explain to her that these patterns of mine, ie, this obnoxious and undermining? behavior is NOT about her. I have tried explaining it to her, and I don't think she can fully separate, ie not take it personally. She may be out of hurt, will then state that we're "too different" (pushing me away), or harshly state she's going to "buy me a plane ticket" and "drive me to the airport" (quote) back to where I originally came from, that I'm "too 'immature'," etc. I've heard it all - ie, "Emily, you're too 'clingy,' too 'insecure,' too 'immature,'" etc.

And yes, I have been in these kinds of relationships - with immature partners for 10 years now! ...of course I am as a result of being in these relationships and heck, probably from having never grieved honestly from my father's death and still feeling on some subconscious level responsible for his death (PTSD - Survivor guilt), but I am truly wanting and trying to change these patterns, but it takes time - to become aware and make the necessary changes.

My/the/our disadvantage: As I said, we have a LOT of pressure on us right now with all the moving around and change, ie moving into this new house in 2 weeks, in the air, and I know ISFP's don't do well with change/conflict, etc., at least that's been my understanding? She said to me tonight that I'm "walking a 'tight' rope," (quote) and I want to know how/what I can do, specific steps and actions, as well as things to say and NOT to say to keep this relationship "afloat" as another member put it? Please help me ISFP's and anyone else who has special knowledge into this type. I am truly trying my best, and I am sorry it's been so rough and feel incredibly bad for hurting her and making her "resentful" (quote) by/when I'm acting out of these subconscious patterns, but I am learning as best as I can, as fast as I can, and with what I have.

I need her continued support, love, and patience, and/but she says I'm wearing out my welcome and she's fed up. We prayed to God/Higher Power tonight and she agreed to give me another chance, but I am now left with that same nagging feeling of not feeling good enough (more or less, fearing rejection and failure - codependency issue) even though I am truly trying my best. I can only be so aware, and unfortunately, I am learning through this relationship; however, I don't want to lose it. I also know that if you argue for your limitations you get to keep them, so I am going to change my thinking into more positive thinking and think, "I want to keep this relationship afloat and build and develop it so that it grows strong and true." In order for me to do this, I need to be true to myself, however, and there's only so much that I can do. I am truly trying my best.

She keeps saying she just wants us to "go with the flow" (quote), and that I can come along for the "ride" (quote) if I want, but gets impatient with me when I act this way, which I can understand, but I am truly trying my best, and every time I don't live up to one of her expectations, I feel a great sense of failure. I just pray, ie continue to pray to God/Higher Power that God/HP will continue to give my Tracy the patience and strength to hold on during this tumultuous and transitional time while I continue to learn and grow. I have always helped others continue to learn and grow, and now I feel it's my turn. Her problem is she says she doesn't want it on "her 'time'" (quote) - that this was more than she "bargained for" (quote). As you can tell, there is much resentment and things are truly one day/step at a time. I want (desire) to have a healthy, equal relationship with her. My willingness is enormous, which is healthy, excellent, and as far as I am concerned, truly rare, and a gift. So I ask that you guys pray/meditate for us tonight that God/HP will help Tracy & I see our own faults and be able to love and forgive ourselves enough to love and accept each other in a very real way that will allow us to grow and thrive together and be our best selves, fully and truly supporting the other - allies, not enemies. It is no coincidence we have come together during this tumultuous time, and I am not giving up the fight yet; however, I would like to give up my past and for God/HP to clear me of it so that I can move forward with out destroying my current/present relationship. "God please allow me to see what it is that I am doing wrong/my part, and to make the necessary changes required of me to fulfill my own obligation to this relationship and to my beautiful/loving friend/partner and exceed its expectations with respect, dignity, and honor." Thanks guys.

[kayc]

Perhaps you could post a synopsis with ,paragraphs so it's easier to follow, something a bit shorter? It might be easier for getting responses. Thanks!

[kayc]

It took me a while to read through this, I have been sick the last couple of days so it's hard to focus for long.

What you describe...you are responding to things/people in your past, not her. BUT, and this is a big but, it affects her and by rights, she feels it as personally as if it was about her. YOU must learn to respond to HER and only her, by trying to stay in the present, not letting things pile on top of each other, etc. In other words, let the situation/issue at hand be the only one and don't accumulate things from the past. Deal with the present and let it too pass.

It could be of great help if you could get some counseling to help you do this.

My mother was extremely abusive and when I was 17 I got married to someone who was a monster. I did not know if I would come out of it alive. My next relationship...we were arguing and he stopped and said, "Is this how it is?" I asked what he meant and he said "Is this how it was to be married?" It was a lightbulb moment for me! I realized I was bringing my past into my present and needed to quit. I was responding defensively as that is the pattern I'd learned. It took time and effort to learn another way, and it helps to get counseling to learn that way.

Years later I met and married the love of my life (now passed away) and our relationship was very different...we always had faith in each other, understood one another, and responded to each other in a positive way. It had taken us both quite a lot of effort on our journeys prior to meeting, but we enjoyed the rewards of that hard work! It was quite the opposite of what I had previously experienced.

Communication is so key is having a good relationship! Who among us does not want to be heard and our feelings validated?! When we step back from what is escalating, and observe what is really going on, it helps us change our tone, our stance, and communicate more effectively. Having ground rules helps too...such as never name calling, swearing at each other, throwing things, or otherwise demeaning each other. When we make selfish demands, we need to understand that depletes our love bank, whereas if we are doing thoughtful and considerate things for each other, it replenishes our love bank. Often it is as simple as focusing on what brings happiness to the other person.