Feeling The Need To Shake The Sadness

[kayc]

Harry, Really! I have Emma recorded but haven't watched it yet, I'll have to view it. It sounds like you are keeping very busy, channeling your energy into something positive, which is very good.

I am thankful for the few job openings I've found, I've been looking for work for 1 1/2 weeks now and have applied at 12 places. Five years ago when I was going through this I averaged 9/week, but now it's really hard to find that many in my line of work.

This morning when I went outside there were deer in the yard, that always blesses me.

[ksbeachbum]

I am thankful that I work with a great individual where I can come in crying and she is there to hold me and hug me and listen to me ramble on about the loss of my husband for a short while. She says she is glad I'm there and believes I am happier when I leave work than when I arrived. She is correct and I am blessed that she is there for me and I have something to do and somewhere to go each day. I am a strong person and I hope and pray that I will make it through this hole of dispair and find that I can be happy again. I know my spouse would want that.

Becky

[Perkins808]

Earlier tonight I signed on and decided to go back and look at the things that I've posted since I joined this group. I shed some tears because reading through brought up some painful memories....but one thing that stood out to me was that many of my posts managed to have some type of positive in them.

Early on I had read somewhere that the death of a loved one changes you and that you are never the same.....and that really upset me. I was already reeling from losing my husband, I wanted to believe that somehow I would make it back to being me and I was devastated to read that I would never be the same. I kind of liked the me I was before Jeff died!! Even the day we found out he had stage 4 cancer, I vowed that I would be as positive as I could be for him (and for me!) because if my days with him were going to be numbered I didn't want to look back and see that we didn't enjoy every second we could.

So today I guess I am grateful for the fact that even though every day brings new challenges, even though I still have this huge hole in my heart that will never be filled and even though the tears can come on without warning......I have come such a long way. And, somehow I think I've managed to hold onto who I really am in the process.

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

Friends,

Today has been tough. It is the six month anniversary and an acquaintance--the mother of one of my students who was at the play tonight--told me she had lost a very close friend to cancer today--a cancer she said sounded suspiciously like what Jane had.

And yet there she was --supporting her son at the play--reminding me that life does continue.

We have had three days of thunderstorms and dampness. i walked through the garden beds tonight for the first time in three days. It is amazing how powerful rain is. I can water as often and as deeply as I want, but nothing perks the plants up--especially the seedlings--like a good hard, soaking rain. The baskets under the deck are all solidly in bloom. And the peonies we transplanted two years ago are in full bloom again. The smell of them is outrageous.

The Relay for Life sales and donations for the week are close to $500. I am amazed by people's generosity--despite this awful economy. Two former students have volunteered to run a children's craft program for us the night of the Fall River Relay during the time I have to be at the retirement dinner--another blessing unlooked for.

Tammy, I am glad you have been able to hang on to the essential you. Trauma like this makes staying exactly the same impossible--but I keep hoping I can keep the bits of me that were good before--and build new bits that will improve the person i was. I doubt i am who I was--but I like to think that while I may have lost a few shingles--my students tell me my hair is now more white than gray--the foundation is still in pretty good shape. Your note gives me hope that that is not just a fantasy. Thanks for that.

Peace,

Harry

[HAP]

Friends,

It seems strange to me to be writing here back to back--especially after having just finished a long piece on a very different strand--and I will admit today has--for the most part--not been one of my brighter days--but there are two positives today.

I was standing on the porch this afternoon when a hummer flew in to use the feeder. She sat down on the perch and sipped away for a good minute with me standing less than three feet away. I think they are starting to get used to me again. They also were much more regular in their visits today--though perhaps that is just the cool damp weather.

I mostly had a down day. But I visited my wife's grave this afternoon. I forgot my hat and my rain gear and it was raining pretty good when I arrived--but I got out of the car anyway--and almost immediately started to laugh. I don't know why. But the laughter lightened my mood and set a better tone for the rest of the day--though I have been up and down several times since.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

I am thankful any time I can get six hours uninterrupted sleep.

No job openings to apply for right now and the news is discouraging, but I have to remember how big my God is and leave everything with Him. Am on my way out the door to go to church.

[sunstreet]

I just love this thread! I just want to say that I hope you are all feeling so proud of yourself; I know I am!

My news that I am so thankful and grateful for is that I will be a key note speaker at a suicide prevention forum happening in my community this week. I have been a key note speaker at many diabetes forums through work but I have been advocating for suicide prevention and awareness in my community for some time now and it is just so grand to be finally speaking on something that I feel so much passion about. Do I have fear...without a doubt....but fear is no match for a determined soul!

Thank you for the many blessings of you all here!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Carol Ann, Good for you! Let us know how it goes. I would think as a partner left behind that that would have a big impact on those you're speaking to. If it helps prevent just one person from taking their life, then your speaking will have paid off!

A friend invited me over for lunch after church today so that was something to be thankful for.

[HAP]

Friends,

I have to be honest--I dreaded this weekend. And this time parts of it were as bad as I expected.

But I have survived it. I went out when i needed to. I cooked what I needed to. I cleaned what I could.

I read through all the sympathy cards again today and shed more than a few tears. They meant very little when they first arrived. I was too far in shock. Keeping them together was a good idea. They helped me through today.

My little hummingbirds did what they could. There is a male and there is a female who have become regular visitors. Her feathers are all messed up all the time--she must have babies keeping her up late. He looks perfectly composed but is more skitish than she is. But they both take long drinks now and are less likely to flee if i am watching. Soon i will set up my film camera and try to get the pictures Jane and I could never quite manage the last two years.

A friend came by to drop off some money for the Relay. It is hard to believe it will be over in two weeks. But every day brings a new bit of news about someone else wanting to walk or contribute or run some kind of fundraiser.

I have good friends in the non-electronic world. They send me cards, they call me every week or two.

And i have all of you. Thanks for reading what i write. Thanks for writing what you write. Somehow, when i am here, the loneliness does not grind quite so hard. And this week, in particular, I am thankful for that.

Peace,

Harry

[Perkins808]

Today I am grateful that I still have two teenagers at home and that their crazy schedules keep me busy. I'm not sure why, but this has been an emotional weekend for me and having them here gave me a reason to keep moving.

I hope everyone here was able to do something that brought them some peace and comfort.

Hugs,

Tammy

[nats]

Hello All,

Been away since Friday, took a few days with my friend Brenda and went to the beach for the weekend, we had a nice time rediscovering life again and all the beauty we tend to forget about, I am so thankful for all I learned about myself this weekend, and being able to share a walk on the beach with someone was the most comforting event I've felt in a long time....for the first time in a long while my eyes are now starting to see things again and most of all I am aware of it so I can enjoy every second....I am so grateful for all I have been blessed with.....

NATS

[kayc]

I got to see several deer out this morning, that is always special!

[Perkins808]

Today I am grateful that I still have a wonderful relationship with my mother in law from my first marriage. She has always been a dear friend and has been even more so since Jeff died. She too lost her husband to cardiac arrest (although he wasn't battling cancer) so she has been someone that I can talk to about everything I am going through and she understands first hand.

Today she offered me the use of her summer cabin - it is right on a small lake tucked away in the woods of New Hampshire. So for the weekend before July 4th, my girls and I (and maybe their friends) will spend a few stress free days enjoying all that nature has to offer.

I am now counting down the days!

[HAP]

Friends,

My string of tough days continues, but here are still a lot of positives--albeit small ones.

I've spent the night doing Relay for Life stuff. We raised just over $700 last week with virtually no stock to work with. I got the proofs of the buttons today--and they are going to be gorgeous.

I also finished the next to last school newspaper of my career today. Just one more to go.

Friends have been calling all night. it is like they know I am having some difficulties.

And the Bruins are up 4-0 late in the second period. Hockey was one of Jane's favorite sports--and she loved her Bruins. Game Seven is looking like a certainty--though it is early yet and i should not count chickens before they hatch.

Peace,

Harry.

[nats]

Tough week for me it would have been our 2 year anniversary Friday, but I am thankful I had the time we did, I'm going to have a cookout with my friend Brenda and our children (her 2 and family's and my youngest son and girlfriend) as they all helped me move and it's kinda of a thank you and house warming all in one, Ruth would have wanted a happy day planned so that's what we are doing, I am so grateful I have these individuals to allow me to understand I'm still very much alive and have a mission, not sure what but it needs completed, so I strive to live and complete the mission, grow the new me, cherish the new love I've found, and keep Ruth right in my heart where she has always been and will never leave....funny how this grief really opens our hearts and minds!!...

NATS

[kayc]

I've gotten to see both elk AND deer at my home today, that is really special. Had a depressing day alone with no jobs to apply for but at least I have my dog to keep me company, without him I think I'd go nuts!

Today I am thankful that here today, right now, I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

[azbrian]

Kay got to see elk AND deer............

I saw the lizards running around on the walls outside and some doing their pushups..............

[HAP]

Friends,

I am exhausted and had planned to come home, check the email and go to bed. The Bruins kept me up too late last night.

Then i came home about 8:15. I flipped on the TV to just to see if I missed anything. I flipped to PBS here to Pete Seeger and Judy Collins singing Turn, Turn, Turn. The Birds are singing it in the background now as I write this. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it is the Bible verse that says "To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven...a time to mourn, a time to rejoice...a time to sow, a time to reap...a time of peace, I swear it's not to late," set to music.

Guess it's time to embrace whatever the time is in the full knowledge that there is a time to every purpose under heaven.

Not saying this very well.

Peace,

Harry

[ksbeachbum]

I have been helping a friend in her dog grooming business in the mornings just to fill up some of my empty time. Yesterday one of the girls brought in a 4 lb toy poodle that needs to be adopted. The prior owners moved to an apartment and couldn't keep her, so she needs a new home. I volunteered to foster parent her until adoption is possible. What a joy a 1 year old 4 lb loving toy poodle is. She has been so loving and loyal and providing that unconditional love. My basset hound has even acted better ( she has had severe seperation anxiety since my spouse's passing.) This has been a blessing for both me and my old basset. For this I am grateful.

Becky

[kayc]

"To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven...a time to mourn, a time to rejoice...a time to sow, a time to reap...a time of peace,

Yeah, except this year I thought it said "a time to SNOW!"

I am enjoying my home for whatever time God lets me have it.

[HAP]

Friends,

Thank you Kay. I laughed out loud at that. We had too much snow this winter on this coast, too. Now if we could just have some consistent time of sun instead of rain.

Tonight was awards night. i presented awards for history, English, foreign language, art, and music. All the kids were students i had in class except one--and she was one of Jane's favorites. I got to address the class and thank them for their support last fall when Jane was sick--and their help and support since her death.

Then i presented scholarships to two of jane's favorite students, one of whom is going into biology research and the other of whom is going into teaching science. Neither saw it coming and i have rarely seen kids with bigger smiles.

And the Bruins just scored an empty-net goal to go up 4-0 with under three minutes to play. My kiddo would be very happy. My apologies to the BC contingent who will find this depressing.

Peace,

Harry

[HAP]

Friends,

Today i am thankful that I sometimes escape my own foolishness long enough to try something new regardless of my doubts. I went to my first one-on-one counseling session this afternoon--and i feel so much better tonight after nearly a week of rolling with depression. Maybe that light up ahead is not a train coming down he tunnel after all.

Peace,

Harry

[nats]

Today is our wedding anniversary, I am so thankful for the years I had with Ruth, she taught me so much about loving someone and myself which I didn't do before I met her....I miss my wife indeed and feel some sadness today but I will not let it overpower all the happiness I had with her nor will dampen the new happiness the I've found with Brenda, I am so thankful and grateful for the things God is allowing me to learn, conquer, and grow the new me....Thank You God

NATS

[mfh]

This evening my dear friend is coming over and we will attend a Shakespearean play (in our nearby outdoor theater). She will stay overnight and we usually sit up and talk until way too late. She is also a sculptor and artist who painted an incredible picture of Bill for me. I do look forward to her visits. I tried to delete one of these but failed. I tried to reduce photo size and failed there also. Sorry for the duplicate.

[kayc]

I am so thankful for my sisters. I spent the day with them yesterday, along with my daughter, and as we travel through family tragedies, we can rely on each other and sojourn together.