sunstreet Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 Dear GH family, I have been going over in my mind for a few days now if it will be alright and appropriate to make this post. AFter much journaling and quiet contemplation and conversations with my Cheekeh; my cat who adores me unconditionally and brings me healing in ways that I can not understand. And converstaions with my God; I have chosen to feel the fear and make this post. As some of you know already my wife chose suicide on December 25, 2003 and that the fact some of my family members sexually assaulted my Melissa to punish me for being lesbian and for fleeing them. I know this had a huge part in Melissa's choice because what they did to her; served as a trigger for her to not only have to live with what they had done but what her Father had done to her for many years. In any event I was totally devistated and unable to function in my life at all and ended up in hospital for a time with uncontrolled diabetes and was treated as a psychiatric patient with a mental illness rather than someone reacting very normally to a whole lot of trauma. Essentially exacerabated all my loss even further! In any event I learned to play the game and got myself out of the hospital and then set about to find myself a grief therapist as I myself was now having suicidal ideation and just wanted to go and join Melissa. I found a therapist and began therapy; for a while it went well; I made a decision to bring my family members to accountibility and they had to face consequences of what they had done to my Melissa. I went through a trial of those three family members: all the while working with this therapist. I felt numb as I just got to the task of bringing these family members to accountibility; then it happened I had a microvascular infarct in the brain and suddenly I had skewed horizontal diplopia ( double vision ) I had a cranial nerve six palsy and my left eye was not tracking. Well, this therapist became this night in shining armour to me. I was unaware that essentially I was being groomed as I had been groomed all of my life. To make a long story short this therapist sexually exploited me. In the end: she abruptly ended therapy without any notice and went on sabaticle to Switzerland. It was at this point I went on the internet and went searching for help and stumpled upon this wonderful site which quite literally saved my life. I came forward in regards to this therapist and her exploitation of me; her agency did an investigation; during which the offending therapist who was now back from Switzerland offered me a written apology and expressed her sorrow and regret at becoming a further instrument of harm to me. Her agency fired her and her professional affiliation who I put in a complaint to as well; revoked her license to practice. I then began my search to find a therapist who specializes in complex PTSD and complicated grief and loss. It felt like I had to go to the head therapist to get help with my intense fear of therapists on top of all my grief over the loss of my Melissa and now my feelings that I betrayed her somehow by what happened with this therapist and felt that if she were alive she would want to take her life all over again. Then add on top of all of this I am lesbian and sadly have to deal with homophobic people who lack knowledge and understanding that yes I feel the same as a heterosexual human when their spouse dies. Two other clients had the courage to come forward in regards to this therapist after I did so I know I did a good thing by having a voice. This therapist had been one for over 30 years and I want to vomit every time I think on how many others were there? AFter experiencing such a lack of accountibilty and the lengths clients have to go to get a therapist such as this stopped I was totally bothered. I found a lawyer who herself is a "survivor" and is why she became a lawyer who took my case on and I brought a civil suit against this offending therapist for the harm she caused me and others. The police when I took it to them: they actually laughed and said they have real criminals to pursue and is another reason I decided to bring a civil suit and writing letters to the appropriate people suggesting changes that I think should be made such as an affiliation should not investigate complaints against there own members and should be handled by a different professional affiliation. And to also have the laws changed so other clients who may come forward don't have to go through what I have had to go through. It has taken a very long time for this to come to court. I began my testimony on May 15: and broke down and things ended and we reconvene on Monday the 29th: and I am to complete my testimony. I don't want to give the impression that I am not doing well emotionally for I am indeed. I just feel it will help if I know others know what I have to do on Monday and are cheering me on and supporting me. Just like when I had to go to the parole hearing in the past. I have been hesitating because I am not sure if this goes against the boundaries of this forum and what we can talk about. I also don't want to discourage any one from seeking a therapist. There are many wonderful ethical therapist's. MartyT, for one.. There are going to be predator's in every area of life: does not mean we don't engage in life: we shed Light....and we continue our healing...as I am doing. I hope Marty if this is not appropriate you will delete and I will understand. It is just that I feel like I need my Melissa right now in the physical sense and she is not here in that way for me now. It feels I need an army of support right now. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 28, 2011 Report Share Posted May 28, 2011 My dear Carol Ann, you are so brave, and so generous in offering your unwavering support to everyone else on this site ~ How could we possibly turn our backs on you when you need us now, and to be with you when you walk into that courtroom on Monday? Of course you have our support, our encouragement, our admiration and our respect. You already have all the wisdom and courage you need ~ and you've got us, too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann, we are with you. You have been through the toughest of times and I can't imagine anyone judging you here at this site. We all support as you know and yet it always feels risky to share things as you have done. I honor your sharing. I happen to be a therapist and I know there are good therapists, many many of them...yes...like Marty. She is phenomenal. I also know, like any field, there are therapists who act inappropriately in many ways and thanks to people like you...they are stopped. I congratulate you for taking that on when you are in so much pain. You could have walked away and you did not. I will light a candle for you on Monday. Please let us know as you can how things are going. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon3 Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 I haven't been on for a while but needed some wisdom tonight as I go out alone to a commitment I must keep...........and read your post..........you go girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 I second that Carol Ann - you go girl! I applaud the courage that you have displayed.....in taking this to court, and then in sharing all of it with us. I think you knew in your heart that we would not judge, and that we would be here to offer you encouragement. I hope that you will be able to put all of this behind you and carry on in your journey....to find the peace you so deserve. Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann, We will all be thinking of you and cheering you on come Monday. You have once again shown your courage, and your bravery in helping to change things for the better. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 We all be thinking of you Monday !!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann, Your courage goes well beyond what anyone could expect from anyone, especially one with your incredibly difficult past. Your wife Melissa would be so proud to see the masterpiece you are working on assembling from the disorder your life was left in through no fault of your own. Your message of hope, compassion, and heart have been a real help to me, and your diligence in pursuing your abusive therapist despite all that has happened places you in a very rare space. That you refused to be pushed aside in your quest to keep her from being a danger to others is fantastic. If I could stand with you in court, Carol Ann, I would. I hope you know that I will be there for you in heart. YCF ~ Steve "The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it." ~ Thucydides Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Marty, Thank you so very much! I truly sometimes am just at a loss for words for I can't think of any that would express to you my feelings adequately. How you selflessly give of your time, to help us all here in our GH family, with your wisdom, your gentleness, and your kind heart and just when each of us need to hear directly from you; there you are.....thank you. Dear MFH, Thank you so much! Thank you for honoring my sharing; that means so much to me. I didn't feel I would be judged and I didn't feel that you wouldn't all think of me on Monday and send your support my way. My hesitance in sharing was more about trying to decide if it was appropriate to share here in this forum. Then when I thought that all of us have to face difficult challenges without our spouse and the feelings that come up as a result are hard. The only differences are what each of our challenges are; when I realized this I had my answer. I agree Marty is Phenominal and yes I am aware that you are a therapist too.....and one of the good ones! Thank you for Lighting a candle for me on Monday. Dear Sharon3, Thank you so much! I hope that the committment you had to go off to alone was a little easier and you managed. Courage to you! Dear Tammy, Thank you so much! I am making huge strides all the time in my healing so feel no sorrow for me for that which I have had to overcome has only served to make me that much stronger and to come to know myself in a deep and healing way! Dear Lainey, Thank you so much! And once again I see you pushing through your pain to reach out and move along on this path than none of us want to be on. Keep in keeping on my friend. Dear azBrian, Thank you so much! Dear Steve, Your way with words just moves me to tears of joy! You are wonderfully gifted in so many ways my dear friend; and just when I thought I could not be any more proud of you or inspired by you; I am Yes, I know if you could you would be there to stand in court alongside me and I know you will be there for me in heart. I agree with you that Melissa is proud of me too! I also know that she lays no blame on me. I did not feel this way initially; but that is a normal way to feel after someone has groomed and exploited you; and is how they keep you in silence: they poison your brain with darkness and untruth's. The truth shall set you free; is something that Melissa said to me daily and I am glad I am speaking the truth's and I am free! You Light up my life Steve, thank you. YCF ~ Carol Ann I am ready to go into court on Monday and I will speak the truth's; thank you one and all. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Carol Ann, You were so kind to me when my son Thanomsil passed away (ironically 5 months ago today), that I echo all the sentiments of the previous posters and wish you good luck. Take care. Nicholas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Nicholas, Thank you so much. Nicholas, 5 months today; I remember 5 months ago Nicholas you felt you could not survive 5 minutes and here you 5 months later. I am sorry for the pain of loosing your Thanomsil. I know how you ache and I am so sorry. The same thought keeps percolating around for me Nicholas. Another book for you to write perhaps; the telling of your journey after your loss of your beloved son Thanomsil. I honor your sharing Nicholas and I respect your path and trust in your judgments on what you need and I thank you for your kindness you've given me as well. Know that I understand and I care and I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann I will be thinking about you on monday and I know that this hard day will also bring you strength. She will no longer be able to prey on the people that are at their weakest. Best of luck and hugs! Cheryl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Cheryl, Thank you so much! Yes, I agree that each challenge I face serves to bring more healing and increase my strength. I tear up at times lately thinking on how Melissa would say to me; one day you will not be seeking freedom for you will already be there. I feel sorrow that she is not here in the physical sense any longer to be able to experience life with me now. Melissa was a rare human being and the more I heal; the more she rests in peace. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann, I am with you all the way. Things like this happen way to often. I will be saying prayers for you, God give Carol Ann the strength she needs to get through this moment in her life and go with her on Monday to defeat this evil that has been brought upon her. I ask you this in the name of the Lord Jesus our savior, Amen. God Bless You Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Dear Dwayne, Thank you very much! My resolve to go into to court on Monday is clear and strong. I am proud that I felt my fear and posted to let you all know what is on my plate. I know my Melissa is giving me a standing ovation! I offer my understanding, encouragement and support as you continue on in your path of healing. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace10 Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann, I have not been here in awhile, and I am so touched by your courage and going forth with this court case. Will be sending positive thoughts your way tomorrow. I was involved in a legal situation where I sued some individuals for wrongdoing, so I really know how difficult, time consuming, and how overwhelming all this can be, and how it can bring up fear as well. I certainly admire you for being true to yourself and making your best attempt to right a wrong, not only for yourself, but for others who have been affected by this most unprofessional therapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted May 29, 2011 Report Share Posted May 29, 2011 Carol Ann,sending you all the strength and courage in the world for tomorrow and tons of comfort.you are such an admirable survivor and no doubt your fight for justice will save so many who will simply never know but you know,Melissa knows and the universe knows and I hope you will get the comfort and peace you so well deserve. Will be sending lOts of good positive thoughts your way tmrw ((hugs)) Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Dear Carol Ann, My heart and soul are with you in that court room. Among my friends we say, "The best steel must go through the fire" when we encounter difficulties. Woman, at this point you are pure Damascus steel. Your edge will never dull, nor will your blade ever break. I think Tammy wrote a quote on another strand a piece of which applies her--something along the lines of fighting for right. You go girl. Peace be with you tomorrow--and always. Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Dear Grace, Good to see you here again! Thank you for your support and encouragement. I am sorry for the legal situation you had to get through. **** Dear Sweet Niamh, Thank you so much for your support and well-wishes! Thank you for the (( hugs )) as so needed! I am ready and I could not do anything else. You see it is my belief that my Higher Power brought me into this world and has a plan for my life and that is to shed Light and expose the Darkness. **** Dear Harry, Thank you so much for your support! I feel so blessed! I am so ready and I hope that my courage and strength helps to bring about some change. **** Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Hello, Carol Ann. I've not been on the forum for a long time, but felt the need tonight, and then read your post. I hope you read this before you head to Court tomorrow, but if you don't, please know that I'll have thought of you and what bravery you're exhibiting. What you've been through is unimaginable and I just wish I had half the steel in my spine that you do. In fact, reading your post has convinced me to take on something that I've been mulling over with respect to my Glenn's hospital treatment 7 months ago. I'd rather not, because it's easier to just let things go, but I have questions and concerns that remain unanswered and I figure that if you can do what you have done since Melissa's death, I can certainly do what I must. Thank you. Hugs. Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Carol Ann, will be thinking of you today, Monday, we all will. I admire your strength and courage, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you today. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Carol Ann, I pray you are doing OK, I know it must be stressful, but you seem strong so I believe you will conquer this... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 I hope your doing okay today............. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted May 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Dear Di, What you've been through is unimaginable and I just wish I had half the steel in my spine that you do. I use to feel as you do Di. I could not see my own strength even though it was there. I hold Faith in you that you too will discover your own power and strength. Good to see you here again! Do that which soothes the heart and the rest will fall into place. Di, I am reading this before going into court today. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ***** Dear Mary, So good to see you here! Thank you for your support! I admire your strength, gentleness, and courage. May blessings greet you every day. Blessings and Courage, CArol Ann ***** Dear Nats, Thank you for your concern for me. I am doing well and I am strong and I will conquer. Whatever the outcome I rest knowing that I have shed Light into the darkness and my soul is dancing for I have listened to it and nourished it so it can dance today. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann ***** Dear Brian, I am doing well! I was up early and danced with my cat. Yep, that's right I put on his favorite CD and picked him up and we danced. So endearing how he nustles his little face into my neck and purrs. I just love my boy! I have support to drive me to and from in case my blood sugar does irratic things making it unsafe to drive. I am well prepared and I am ready. I'll be wearing one of Melissa's outfits to court today and believe it or not after all this time I can still smell her essence. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beakerj Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Hey Carol Ann, Have only just seen this post...& here Monday is nearly over. Praying that this court appearance goes fantastically well for you. I am in awe of how much good you manage to bring from evil. And I laughed my head off at you dancing with your cat...it's like you've seen me with my dogs. Just wishing you all good things, & thanks for the inspiration you are to me/us all. Big love Becka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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