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Sudden Deep Depression


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I thought I was feeling bad all the time (it's three month since Pete died) but I woke up this morning feeling far far more depressed than usual. No reason for it, but I think it's because I must subconsciously have been thinking that what I was going through was temporary and maybe I suddenly realised it was permanent. How on earth can I get through this? It will go on and on and on. Nothing will improve it. I am reading lots of things about grief but how can they help me? All I want is my Pete back and things to be as they were. Do you think it would help me to look at photographs of happy times? I can bring myself to do that yet. Oh sorry to vent here but I am alone and feel I must tell someone how I feel right now. Jan

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Please come here to talk about this...that is why this board is here and why we are all here. We need to talk about it and hearing what others are experiencing helps us all to know we are not alone.

I have also been experiencing a lot of depression...especially the last couple of days. It has almost been four months for me and I am also starting to realize he is not coming back. For a long time I found myself almost thinking about it as something I had to get through and then if I just made my way through, it would be ok, and he would be back somehow...obviously I knew rationally that was not possible, but the irrational parts of me seem to play all kinds of head games with me.

Sometimes I almost feel as though he is simply in the other part of the house and I find myself listening for him and watching for him to come around the corner.

Losing someone so amazingly dear and central to my being has proven to be almost more than I can take. There are days I do not feel sane and where I feel as though I am holding on to my last shreds of sanity. I don't let go because I have a nine year old who really needs me still.

Sorry for the rambling...I guess I am trying to say you are not alone.

As for looking at pictures...do so if YOU think it will help. I look back at old pictures from time to time...sometimes it helps and other times it feels like I am digging a knife into my heart and I just want to scream.

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Lina you truly get how I am feeling and it does help to talk to one another. That is exactly how I feel. Deep down its pretty clear that I think this is temporary and if I manage to get through this for a while then he will come back to me. I can't believe that he won't/can't. When you have been so close to someone for years (50 in my case) your identity is so bound up with that person that you almost don't exist without them. I am getting up, eating, showering etc etc but really I think I am just waiting. But what for? He won't come back and I can't even bear to think that thought. We have to endure this as there isn't any alternative, is there? But how do we do it? You have to carry on for the sake of your nine year old. I too have reason for carrying on as my daughter, a single mother, has two little girls, and they need me. But Pete was my entire world. Everything else was a very poor second. I relied upon him, i loved him more every year that we were together. All I can take comfort from is how lucky I used to be. At the moment this doesn't help me much but maybe it will one day? I am sending you a hug from a fellow sufferer on a very hard road. We have to carry on somehow.

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In a week it will be 10 months since Celene pasted. I look at pictures of the good times shared and at times it brings me joy and other times sorrow. I can go for days, even weeks, doing well and then at any unknown moment it hits me: Celene is not here anymore; what know? At times I recall our priest saying at our wedding: "we leave our mother and father and become one". Well now I am half and realize there is so much truth in that phrase. I know we will all make it and we will all grief in our own ways. Just take one moment at a time and embraced the moments when the memories bring us joy in our hearts. Blessings and hugs.

Anthony

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Jan,

I am so sorry that you are going through this depression. I have gone through several bouts of it in the last 30 months since I lost Mike. Some are worse than others. Please don't ever hesitate to share how you are feeling here.

Last fall was the worst depression that I have had. I think at about the 1 1/2 year mark, I finally believed in my heart that Mike would not be coming back. And all the years stretching ahead of me, the thought was so depressing. My physician put me on a mild antidepressant, but I stayed on it only a short time. If I let myself think about it too much, it is just too hard. The future just overwhelms me. I am 66, and come from a long living family, I could possibly live another 30 years.

Honestly, I do think bouts of depression are just part of the new normal, and although we don't like it, we just have to figure out a way to live with it. I find that staying busy helps, and I am involved in community theater and the local arts council. I don't always want to do things, would rather just stay home and not see anyone, but the more I get involved, the less I think about my own situation.

The cliche that time helps, is true for me. The passage of time has made me more able to cope, and that is important. We will always grieve, I will always wish Mike was here, but I am coping. That is what we all hope for I think.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkanss

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Jan,

My heart goes out to you, I remember all too well how it felt in those earlier stages. Your situation (missing/losing him) is permanent, but the depression likely is not. Little by little our minds and hearts process this huge change and begins to adapt. Sometimes when we're in it we think we're not making any progress, that is, until we look back at where we once where and compare it to how we're doing today. Then we realize the great strides we've made...I'm not referring to someone under a year, I'm speaking of those like myself, Deborah, Walt, etc. that have been here a long while. I seldom cry any more. I don't usually have those huge depression spikes unless it's just for a short time, a day or two. I've learned to cope, to adjust, adapt, do what I need to do to get by, to survive. I've learned to appreciate whatever little bit of good there still is. I try not to compare my life to what it used to be because that's an automatic defeatest downer...not good! No, instead, I appreciate what I once had, and what I currently have, whatever that may be. And I accept that my life is in different stages/phases and this is part of that. Yes I have times I get down, but I try not to stay there too long. I say, do whatever helps you survive or feel better. If you feel better having the pictures down, take them down. If you feel better looking at them, then do so. I have put pictures up, taken them down, so many times. I finally settled on having a few up but no longer have the shrine up that I once did right after he died...but I do look at pictures once in a very great while when the mood strikes me. Whatever brings you the most comfort, do that, and understand that what brings you comfort could change from time to time.

I just don't want you to think it will always feel like it does this very moment, this very day, because it won't. The edge will wear off a bit and make it more palatable, I just want to bring you that bit of good news and hope. Meanwhile, we're all here to listen, to care, to encourage you if we can, we're all in this together.

When years go by, you will have an occasional setback, but you will know it's temporary and that's to be expected and okay, you'll get through it.

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I'm so sorry and I certainly understand. Like Kay said I've been coping with the grief for over 6 yrs. now. I still struggle with "whats the use" and miss the life I had every day. For me, it has been a hard journey and I'm not sure I'll ever recover enough to find a new life but thats just me. I'm not very good at coping with change plus I finally had everything I'd ever wanted. We have to support each other and be gentle with yourself. It takes a lot of time for your heart and mind to adjust. I hope you find some peace. Deborah

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Deborah, You have a special circumstance that I think makes it tougher...it used to be Larry that would help you through things and now that you don't have him with you, it's understandable you're going to feel it all the more when you aren't well. I hope things get better for you.

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Sometimes when we're in it we think we're not making any progress, that is, until we look back at where we once where and compare it to how we're doing today. Then we realize the great strides we've made...I'm not referring to someone under a year... I try not to compare my life to what it used to be because that's an automatic defeatest downer...not good! No, instead, I appreciate what I once had, and what I currently have, whatever that may be.

Kay,

Thank you for you insight. I am one of those "under a year" people and I do look at my progress as set backs. I will agree that I feel my worst when I reflect on my life with Celene and how much I life without her seems so void. Caring for knowledge.

Anthony

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Anthony, Just remember, that three steps forward and two steps backwards STILL = progression forward!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought I was feeling bad all the time (it's three month since Pete died) but I woke up this morning feeling far far more depressed than usual. No reason for it, but I think it's because I must subconsciously have been thinking that what I was going through was temporary and maybe I suddenly realised it was permanent. How on earth can I get through this? It will go on and on and on. Nothing will improve it. I am reading lots of things about grief but how can they help me? All I want is my Pete back and things to be as they were. Do you think it would help me to look at photographs of happy times? I can bring myself to do that yet. Oh sorry to vent here but I am alone and feel I must tell someone how I feel right now. Jan

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Jan - you are not alone. <<<hugs>>> to you. It has been almost two months for me. I am the same way - some days far more depressed than others. I was away with the kids for three days. When I came home yesterday I walked past my wedding picture that has been on the wall for 26 years and just lost it - I am also realizing this is permanant. I don't know how or when it will get any better either - I am just taking it day by day and trying to get through each one. Last week I attended a loss group with some other widows and I did feel a little better when I left. It does help to talk to someone else who knows how you feel. One thing I learned from the group - there is no time table for how long we will feel this way. Somehow we will learn to go on without them. And we were lucky to have the love that we did - some people never have that their whole lives. So just remember you are not alone. And it has to get better.

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Jan,

I'm glad you are getting out with some friends. It may or may not make you feel better THIS time, but keep doing things, eventually it WILL make you feel better. Understand that you'll always miss him and you'll have down times, but there will be some good times mixed in.

Good luck to you!

Kay

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I thought I was feeling bad all the time (it's three month since Pete died) but I woke up this morning feeling far far more depressed than usual. No reason for it, but I think it's because I must subconsciously have been thinking that what I was going through was temporary and maybe I suddenly realised it was permanent. How on earth can I get through this? It will go on and on and on. Nothing will improve it. I am reading lots of things about grief but how can they help me? All I want is my Pete back and things to be as they were. Do you think it would help me to look at photographs of happy times? I can bring myself to do that yet. Oh sorry to vent here but I am alone and feel I must tell someone how I feel right now. Jan

Pictures do help, crying out loud seems to be a form of release if you can get away with it. It seems I never can, for I do not want to upset anyone around me. I holding it in seems to make my holding it in last longer. I wish that it did not. I wish there were a pill or something to take which made the pain subside. But alas there is not... how we deal with the grief and others during this time can break us or make us stronger. It sounds contrie...but we are building character whether we want to or not... it has been 6 years for me. His birthday just passed, i send him songs and letters over my FB page... I talk of him so much it is as if he is almost here with me. People think I am crazy...but it feels right to me. You will feel it if it is right...I promuise. Keep in touch, sorry you feel so sad. Zeeks1

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Hello My Friends In Grief,

I've been reading this topic this morning and thought I'd post some comments, first I don't want to sound cold or harsh by any means, but approaching the 3 year mark for me I have found some things must be taken head on no sugar coating...much of what we feel we "CAN" control if we take on a different approach to our loss...first the crying out loud, by all means do it, find a place alone or comfortable where you will not "disturb" anyone, which for me is really not a concern as I can do this in my home or while working in the yard, which happens often because Ruth and I spent allot of time working in the yard, but on the other hand I have had those waves hit me at work as well but I do not suppress them I walk somewhere and let them out, if I can't get alone it's really no big deal as I come "first" and I just let the tears fall, the small amount of feeling uncomfortable for people around me is a minor issue compared to my sanity and comfort, and it's "Life", the part of life everyone of us here never thought we'd experience or never gave it any thought...so we must cry these tears to heal, and maybe the ones around us will learn from our experience if so we've done them a huge favor.

The depression is another matter...our minds are so complex, powerful and full of energy we must learn to tap the resources we have been given to manage this powerful energy, this energy runs rampant at times causing us to be unable to process all that's happening I think more so when we are dealing with something we have not been taught or had any experience with. I find positive thoughts far outweigh the negative energy and thoughts if we seek them, I know that is easier said then done but there's no rush start slow have courage and it will come. I practice releasing and focusing my thoughts daily and generating positive energy with prayer, meditation and physical exercise...much of my meditation focuses on the positive wonderful life Ruth and I had then and have now...some days like recently the negative "missing energy" has been keeping me feeling like I'm on a balancing beam some times swaying negative but I quickly fight to pull them positive, I hope everyone can find there comfort zone during there journey and this has worked for me...

Additional things that ease the pain for me are reading about other peoples journeys and how they have healed, some finding new loves, some helping others endure this process and some that just can't pass the emptiness and despair, that brings to my mind comfort knowing and understanding this long forever process and what I can expect as time passes....

Well I've rambled on enough for now, may we all find comfort somehow, someway, so you are more at ease each day...

NATS

"Thoughts posted are merely my experience, if I help just one person find some comfort by sharing I have succeeded in my goal".

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At two weeks grief is very raw. My suggestion is to just do your best to get through each day. Do only what is absolutely necessary. Try to eat, sleep and drink some water. Take time to breath, to cry and to feel.

Truly for me the first month is a dull blur. I focused only on putting one foot in front of the other. As time goes on you can focus on more...but truly that first couple of months it is all about surviving.

My husband has been gone for just over four months and I still feel like a wreck and expect to do so for a while, but now I can see small beauties in this world and I try to focus on those. Truly start small. Try to notice the sky, a pretty flower or whatever catches your fancy. For me I had to seek reasons to live and to be happy. It is not easy.

In many ways intense grief is like being thrown into the water when you don't know how to swim...you start to drown at first and then if you work hard enough and get enough help you start to learn how to tread water...you may go under sometimes, but eventually you will hopefully learn how to swim.

I truly am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

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Leon,

I am so sorry you lost your Laura.

At two weeks, I was still in the panic stage. It is the most gut wrenching thing there is. It has been over seven years for me now and I've learned a lot...I've survived the unthinkable when I never thought it possible, and you will too. Lina is right, right now just breathe, eat healthy, drink lots of water. If you need help sleeping, go to the doctor, it's not good to let yourself get run down, you need all the physical help you can get just to roll with the punches that have been sent your way.

Do you have any children nearby? Close friends? One of the things we've all noticed is that sometimes people who care about you don't know how to express it appropriately, they're afraid of death and sometimes shut us out or say stupid things, just when we need them the most. They think we should "be over it" at a certain time, when that's just not realistic. When that happens, please come here and vent, and talk about your feelings. It really helps to get it out rather than bottle it up. When I lost my George, I felt like my power had been stripped from me...after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this to happen! It became, therefore, important for me to be heard, even if it was a forum with people I don't see face to face. It lent meaning to what I was going through.

I look back to the summer after he died (he died June 19, 2005 on Father's Day) and it was a frantic blur. Don't try to deal with her personal belongings or anything a day before you're ready, if you push yourself, it's too hard on you. Everyone grieves differently and to a different timetable, there is no right or wrong, only our own way.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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I'm in the process of learning how to navigate/communicate within a chat room...I hope this reply gets posted to Lina and Kay C. Thank you for your comments. I have been to one support group, not really sure if it has helped but I am going to continue to attend. I am planning to return to work some time next week. What I read and hear indicates that getting back to some sort of routine does help. What are your thoughts on returning to work?.....Leon

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Hello Leon,

Yes...back to work is good if your up to it, I did and even with the waves during the day it did indeed help...

Take things slow at your pace and establishing a routine with your new journey will keep you moving forward to your "new" life, I

also established a routine each day and still do daily reflect and remember "positive" and "happy" times Ruth and I had...

Our journey is a tough ride with many ups and downs, so another thing I do is work on "positive" energy opposed to thoughts that bring me down...

I would keep the support group going for a bit longer for evaluation this whole grief journey takes time and you have only

just began, but I'm positive you like all of us here will adapt the best you can...this forum has been very helpful for me in adapting, hearing and reading

others feelings and thoughts help me piece together and make sense of this journey...your doing fine with your posts it's a little confusing if you have

never been on forum before but if you get stuck just ask someone will help you out, pics or images can be confusing even for people who have been on

other forums as they all differ a little.

Take care, keep posting as we all welcome your thoughts...

NATS

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Dear all, I went to my local history group on Monday night and then to a meeting about saving an ancient barn yesterday. I longed to tell Pete all about it. He would have been so interested. A friend (male) dropped in on Monday and I realised whilst talking to him that he didn't have a close marriage (reading between the lines). This made me try harder to be thankful for what I had with Pete. That seems to be the only thing which helps me right now. The present is something I have to endure, and I can't contemplate the future. Reading books about grief is not helping me right now because after accepting how hurt you are they start talking about moving on and I feel a deep resistance to moving on as right now it feels like moving away from Pete and I want to move nearer instead. I began to write reminiscences but I think I made a mistake in choosing. I wrote about our meeting. As it was in 1961 it felt as though I was writing about two strangers as obviously we have changed since then! We have become like one person. I think I need to write about more recent memories. What do you think? Does it help you or did it?

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I wrote a list of memories...just random things that I never wanted to forget...I do think it helped me. It made me feel more confident that I will never forget which was one of my biggest fears. My situation is a bit different then yours though since my time with my beloved was a lot briefer...we did not even have two years from the time of our first date until he died...so I was very scared that I would wake up one day and find my Arthur had been a dream and was not real at all.

I agree with you that more recent memories would be a good place to start. *hugs*

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