Transformations On This Path

[Mary1063]

Oh Karen, I didn't realize she has cancer.

My heart very much goes out to you and your family.

On my prayers list for sure.

[KarenK]

She is a 5+ year Colon Cancer fighter, with mets to liver & lungs. Lungs are inoperable due to multitude of tumors. New liver lesion to be addressed following current rounds of chemo for lungs. The side effects of this chemo for her are severe abdominal cramps, nausea, & diarrhea, but has never caused bleeding before. Her spleen was removed earlier this year to bring her white count up to acceptable range for chemo. This was a last resort, but now she has no immunity. She was recently taking 2 antibiotics for a bad cough which her new primary doc did not think was cancer related & the hospital doc thinks these antibiotics caused the C-Dif.

Ron prayed & prayed for God to take away Debbie's cancer & give it to him. IMHO, God only answered half of the prayer.

Your family & mine have definitely had their portion of sorrow for this year.

Karen

[Mary1063]

Oh, Karen, my heart aches for you. I'm so very sorry you lost Ron. And I am so very sorry for the horrid journey and fears you are facing with your daughter's battle.

I don't and won't pretend to know your exact pain. However, you have my many many deepest prayers.

((((Hugs))))

[enna]

My prayers and thoughts are with all of our 'family' who are sick or caring for someone who is sick. There is much healing going on here.

Fae, I like your comments about the dragonfly. And I am so very happy that you can be in your kiva in peace. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Marty, that is wonderful! I, too, love dragonflies and always consider it a special treat when I get to see one.

fae, you are so interesting! I wish I didn't live so far away, I would love to see you in your habitat. You make everything seem mystical and magical. You and your fairy dust! Your place sounds fascinating.

Karen, holding you and your daughter deep in my prayers and hoping with Mary that the doctors find just the right thing to help her pain and stop the bleeding.

Hi, Anne!

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay.

When we bought this place, one of my artist friends came out and said the magic of this place suited me.

You are certainly invited for Thanksgiving, or any time. I have such bonds with you and others here.

And a new art book arrived today, which I got at a huge discount, so I am going to spend my time wisely studying the bronzes of Eastern Middle Asia during the Bronze Age.

And I helped decorate at the Holter, so that was why I got the huge discount. It has been a very good day.

But I am worn out, in a good way, so going to go put my feet up and look at bronze knives and other fascinating tools and decorations from Mongolia and that area.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Heart Karen,

I am thinking of you this day, as you spend this time carrying so much hurt and grief in your heart, and as you move into this time of the unknown for your dear daughter. I know your life is turned inward now, as you deal with the worry and the fear. I hope you know we are all here, holding you in our hearts, and loving you as you go through this time, and hoping that in some small way each of us here can help to lighten the weight on your heart just a little. I send you love and comfort, and all kindness to your broken heart. I am sorry you are carrying so much right now, dear one. I hope you can find moments of peace in the day. remember to sit with your hand on your heart, and send love to your heart while you take deep, healing breaths. And drink lots of water and tea. {{{HUGS}}}

I am sending prayers and all good thoughts your way, dear one.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

Today it has been 21 months since Doug escaped. I filled the day with people who knew and loved him: people at the Holter, the hardware store, the bird seed store, the wine merchant. It felt good to talk about Doug with these wonderful and loving people. Being with so many people is still a bit difficult at times, and I am NOT going to the grand opening at the Holter tonight, but I was so happy to be there for the setting up and helping to decorate the place, and then going to various places to gather last-minute stuff for the evening's fun. A lot of my old life is starting to come back. I am making peace with life without Doug. In tiny spurts and droplets, I am painting a new picture. My new palette knives will be here soon, and I have a couple of sketches done already. We will see what develops.

Jenny and I had coffee today, and went to explore a few places, and talked about Doug and what a good man he was. Her husband, who has had two strokes, is moving around more these days. Then I saw Doug's sommelier, who was talking about people who would be at the Holter tonight, and he looked directly into my eyes, and said, "Your man was an honest man, no doubt. He had integrity." I am going to get them out here for a moose steak dinner, and they will bring the cab. They are dear people.

Well, I have survived 21 months, and I am still standing. Sometimes shaky, sometimes not so sure of where I am going or why I am still here, but I am standing. I have made it through these seasons, these shifts, through everything that has happened, With meditation, my BP is down within the acceptable worry range, rather than the stroke tonight range. I am walking more, spending more time doing things which bring me joy, and am free of all the salt of hospital foods and chicken-flavored salt water. (The cubes were partially melted in the cups.) I never eat that much salt. No wonder my BP was in the escape zone! Now it is still a bit higher than normal, but not by much. It is down 40 points on both measures. Whew!

Time to go fix ham marsala with grapes. I will also have a glass of a chardonnay I opened last week. I may finish it off tonight. I will then go out to my beloved Kiva for prayers.

I am so thankful for you who share with us here around this fire. This is a very good Tribe.

Namaste,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Sorry, I messed up & posted an update on "How We Met" thread. Not very clear headed right now.

Karen

[kayc]

fae,

I'm glad you had coffee with Jenny today. I went to breakfast with a friend, then spent the rest of the day making cards. Had some wood delivered yesterday, they were supposed to bring more this morning, they showed up at 4, still haven't split or cut it to length, so hopefully tomorrow. I'd like to get it covered as it's raining hard.

Karen,

Will check the other thread...

[enna]

Dear Karen,

You are in my prayers. I am so sorry that you have so much on your plate right now. (((((hugs))))))

Mary1063, I have not forgotten about you either. Keep healing, dear one.

Fae, I sent you an e-mail. Thinking of you and I am so happy that you had a good day. Bittersweet, I know.

My PT is being set up for three times a week for six weeks! I am being fitted for those awful support hose that I have to wear most of the day for awhile. I also have been grounded for two months - no flying!!! We are working on plans for the family to come out for Thanksgiving - Jackie's Keven, my SIL, has surgeries and deliveries that has kept him at the hospitals for the last few weeks so I'm not sure if he will be able to get away! Young people today have so many irons in the fire!

I will have to take a rain check on my visit to Montana - so many of us seem to be dealing with healing. I am so glad that I have placed meditation up at the top of my list right now, because I really need to be present to the moment.

I am so grateful when one of us has a good day.

I am concerned about Kay's Arlie and Jan's Kelbi - my Benji is doing fine - no seizures and so cute! We need new pictures of Queeniemary's corgis. I see on FB that Mary's Bentley is in good health now. Anne

[KarenK]

My daughter is doing a little better. The bleeding has stopped, but the diarrhea & abdominal cramping remains. Still haven't discovered the cause. The crazy doc asked her if she felt comfortable going home tomorrow in this condition. She told him "NO". She lives 100 miles from the hospital. Makes me angry the way hospitals try to shove you out.

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

I am so sorry for all that is going on in your life and heart right now.

May I suggest that you are overwhelmed? There is just too much going on. I hope you can sit quietly and meditate or just be still and pay attention to your breathing for a while each day.

In your time of great stress, you may have transposed or mis-dialed the doctor's number. You might try it again on Monday, when you are, we all hope, a little calmer and your life less stressful. I am glad that they got the bleeding stopped, but it would sure be nice to know what the heck is going on.

Please, sit with yourself and love yourself, and invite in some minutes of peace, dear one. We cannot be there with you, but we can hold you in our hearts, send many {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and much love, and pray for things to be better tomorrow. We are here with you, praying and sending loving and healing thoughts to you.

Peace to your heart, dear Karen.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Amen. ♥

[kayc]

Anne, I do hope all of your family will be able to make it for Thanksgiving. I guess I will be spending it at my DIL's sister's in Harrisburg, it's quite a ways away, I hope it's not snowing by then. Sorry for the support hose.

fae, You never know, I might show up on your doorstep someday! I am not much of a traveler but it does sound beckoning!

Karen, I'm sorry for all your daughter is going through and glad she is standing ground with her doctor. You have to wonder about them sometimes!

[feralfae]

nattering . . .

I am sitting here this morning with tears streaming down my face, as I think of Doug and our love and my life today. It is only as I am slowly coming back alive that I am realizing the magnitude of being alone.

I must slowly heal my body, and get back to being able to trust it again.

I must find a way to live in the world again with the trust I used to have in G*d taking care of everything.

I must find out what is inside this new skin I have now, this body that is still mine, but that I no longer share with my Beloved.

I must learn to be able to sit in gratitude with myself at all times, and know that I am blessed and protected in all ways that matter.

I must learn again to enjoy and celebrate the infinite nature of my spirit, and find my spirit's expression as this solo adventurer, as solo artist, as solo writer, as solo life force.

And as I meditate today on personal boundaries, I must learn more about how to hold my own boundaries better in the world.

I must now go make coffee and begin the day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

In today's meditation for the 21 Days, I was listening quietly when suddenly, I was forced back three years.

I have saved a good memory. At the chemo clinic, there is a central garden, open to the sky, and we could watch the seasons turn from the chemo rooms. Early on, we would go sit out there in the garden, holding hands, pushing Doug's pole along. That was during the first round of chemo. But I remember the roses, and the beautiful lilies, and how we would take time to savor each one, those days when we were so grateful for each day together.

Oh, my dear tribe here, we have been so entirely blessed to have found our spirit matches, and to have them with us still. I was out in the forest earlier, marking logs to be cut up into firewood. At least this first round of cutting. And I was struck at how well Doug planned for after he was gone, telling me the order in which to have the felled and trimmed logs cut up into firewood and hauled to the house. He did so very many thoughtful, kindly, loving things, and took such good care of me. I am both smiling and crying as I type this, because I never imagined how well Doug had planned everything to make sure I would be able to go on without him.

I am doing so very much healing these days. I hope each of us is healing at our own pace and in our own time as peacefully, fully, deeply, and thankfully, as healing is possible. And I am sure I forgot at least twenty equally appropriate adverbs.

I walked in the forest, sat on our benches, held in my heart some wonderful memories of bonfires, cutting firewood, walking and admiring the little cacti in the spring, staring wonderingly at the bitterroot flowers, and watching the birds in their nests and feeding their young. My heart is filled with love and gratitude, and that, too, is appropriate for this day, thank you Anne.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

I went and got my hair done today and chatted with her about mindfulness, meditation, and choosing joy. It IS a choice!

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I am so glad you got your hair done, and that you were able to share some good ideas with your hairdresser as well.

Yes, it is a choice. I think as long as we are open to healing, and being healed, what we need finds a way to express itself in our lives.

I hope you have a beautiful day today. I am off to run errands, go to meeting, then meet friends for brunch, and I plan to eat a LOT because I am weary of cooking on this hot plate and my wood stove, so will be glad to see my new kitchen range tomorrow, when it is scheduled to be installed. I have finished 8 pints of apple butter for winter toast, cooked entirely on the wood stove. I can still be a pioneer if necessary.

I am totally enjoying the morning meditations on 21 days, and finding the messages helpful. Were you able to get back in to listen to the programs?

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

No I am not able to listen to the mediations at all, I think it must be a conflict or something...not being an IT person, I have no idea. I know I'm not the only one having this problem. Perhaps it's whatever they used to record it, I don't know, I have no problems viewing other videos and audio.

Enjoy your eating today. I am torn between wanting to go to church today and wanting to stay home...am still not feeling well. Am not sure what to do. I need to be at choir practice but can't fathom being out that long. Last week when I went to church it was five hours I was gone!

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Kay,

I am so glad you decided to stay home and take good care of yourself today. Good for you, and I know Arlie loved it as well. Spending the day making cards sounds just lovely.

Meeting was very nice this morning, and then I ate my way through brunch, having a lovely meal. By the time we got to brunch, after meeting, a lot of the good food was gone but we still had more than enough to eat, just no prime rib or salmon was left from the buffet. We had a good visit, and Karen has relaxed a lot since the Dx came back benign for her. I am so very happy for her.

Tomorrow my new stove goes in, finally, and we talked at meeting today about some of us getting together out here to bake cookies for the homeless shelter in town. I used to do this in years gone by, and later with Doug. I think I may be ready to give it a try again. It will be fun.

Kay, I am so very glad you are resting and taking this time for YOU. I truly feel that I have time between now and next March to spend more on my healing and less on working, although I will keep working on the house.

I hope you have a wonderful night's sleep, with very good dreams, dear one.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Our own Dear Bill's Mary is coming back here as a coordinator, counselor, guide, and healer.

This is a blessing for us all, as we now have the team of Marty and Mary back to help us around this fire.

Mary, you will never know how you were missed.

Namaste.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, thank you for your kind words. I am truly honored and glad to be here again with all of you.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Yes, now our site seems complete once again!

fae, I woke up with throbbing pain at 2 am but took some Ibuprofen and it finally settled down...part of it is phantom pain. My face is still swollen, but I'm sure it'll go down soon. It's been three days!

I feel like I have turned a corner in my life. This past six weeks I felt tremendous progress. Little did I know how much that job affected me! When I was given the notice that my job was ending, about ten weeks ago, I made a conscious choice to not worry. That doesn't mean I will never ever worry again or have anxiety completely licked, but to be quite honest, in the last couple of months, I have noticed a marked change within myself! I feel more at peace, happier than I've ever been. When nagging thoughts begin to creep in, I squelch them. I determine not to worry. So far it's working. I've also been practicing mindful presence, and meditating and praying. I believe that has made a big difference as well. I feel so happy! It's not the happiness like I had when George was alive, but it's a happiness all the same, in its own right. A contentedness. My blood pressure is showing that peace as it's 120s over 60s, and it hasn't been that low even with medicine in YEARS! I think I'm on the right path.

I feel like I must be a bit of a slow learner...it took me a long time to accept that George's death happened and that life would never be the same again, and to reach a state of contentedness with just myself, me, alone, not needing a man in my life. I will forever cherish and draw from my memories and the impact George made on my life...he is with me always. But it is a different kind of "with me", not the physical presence that I loved so much. I would choose him back in a heartbeat if that were my choice, but it isn't an option, so I make the best of it.

Life is good, it is too short to lament over what isn't, how much better to focus on the good that IS! Making that determined effort has made a tremendous difference in my own life.

I realize my mom probably won't be with me a lot longer...for her sake I kind of hope not, for my sake...I'm having a hard time letting go. I realize how final it is, and that brings me to tears as I write this. Another challenge in my life. Another thing I have been able to learn and grow from. I have learned so much for having gone through this experience...it too has changed me. My poor mom. I hate to watch her suffering...these last three falls have made such a difference to her quality of life. Her not being able to walk has taken away her last bit of independence. My heart goes out to her. I wish she could die before having to be moved to the Phase 3 building and leaving behind the relationships she's developed (even if she doesn't remember their names!). She seems content where she is. I don't want her to have to exist with people shouting obscenities and being violent. I am scared for her, for what is to come. I pray for relief for her, dear God!

I like the title of this thread...transformations on this path. That's what this is all about, isn't it!

[KarenK]

Welcome back to our Mary!

Seriously considering flying to Louisville, possibly Thursday. A good friend from CSN generously offered to give me her airline miles. My daughter sounded so weak & in pain today. Still no diagnosis or resolution. Unable to complete tests due to blockage. Her surgeon is SUPPOSED to show up tomorrow. She asked me to wait until she has spoken to him.

Did get a call from my doc's office today in response to my email. It seems they could call out but had been having phone problems for 5 days where patients couldn't call in. Am feeling a tiny bit better. Nurse advised me to cut remaining antibiotics in half to get rid of the nausea & headache.

Will update when I know more. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Karen