Transformations On This Path

[KarenK]

Fae,

Glad to see that you are home & mostly resting. Sure hope you are snuggled in with the HEAT ON. It's supposed to be bitterly cold in Montana.

Take care.

Karen

[feralfae]

HI Karen

It's 2F outside here right now, a little colder than town, I think. I have both wood fires going and the sun is pouring in warmth as well. The house is a pretty efficient solar gain house, fortunately. Just add sunshine.

I am off for my afternoon nap.

Thank you for the good thoughts...

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Mary1063]

Fae,

You are in my prayers.

You are a very strong lady!

((((((Hugs))))))

[kayc]

Anne, thank you for that story, I've heard it before but it's been years. What I noticed is that the TREE was always happy to give, whereas "the boy" didn't seem so happy...it seemed he was always chasing some elusive thing he thought would make him happy. It seems a lesson in life...it is more blessed to give, perhaps. But you are right, we are all giftsw to one another, and that is when it is happiest.

fae, I'm glad your house is warmer than mine, you don't need the chill to contend with! I'm also so glad you know how to take care of yourself, and your cream of chicken soup sounds wonderful, perhaps I'll make some today to cure my ills!

[Queeniemary]

My dear Fae, I have not been on this thread in a bit, and was so sorry and stunned to see you had been in hospital again. Your cream of chicken soup sounds really good. You are such a dear, positive person on this site, and we all just want you to be well. Please take it very easy, and let others come and do things for you. Stay warm and rest a lot.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

I slept in this morning -- really unusual for me! And I am happy I did. Most of the pain from the inflammation and upset in my tummy is gone, and I am walking around more upright. I can stay home today, do a bit of desk work but mostly just rest.

Fires are built up this morning, and I can see the smoke rising from the neighbor's chimney up the hill from me. I slept through the whole night, so the fires died down, and it is only about 63F in here right now. I am taking it very easy today, just maybe wrapping some gifts and getting some things in the mail by Monday.

I send you all warm thoughts. Stay cozy and warm this cold day. Jan, I hope you can make this an excuse to snug in at home this entire long weekend, perhaps extending your solitude and rest through Monday, staying home to care for the house, while mostly caring for yourself.

I am really better. If I am feeling better later, I hope to take a bubble bath but if not, I'll have a shower. First things to do are warm the house and have breakfast.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

I'm going to our daughter tomorrow now. Want to see our niece and husband who are travelling to Leeds to see us all briefly and on Sunday Ellie has two birthday parties and I'm due to look after Rosie-Mae so Rainie doesn't need to take her too. I will be glad to be home on Tuesday though

[enna]

Sleeping in - good for you, fae. I couldn't resist the picture below - reminded me of you.

Hello I'm the happiness fairy

[feralfae]

[kayc]

fae, I hope you're dressing warm, 63 is still a bit cool. I've caught a cold, sore throat, sinuses don't feel good, ears hurt, now it's entering the nose running stage. Trying to stay wrapped up in sweaters and down.

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay, I generally have on four layers, and sleep in two or three sometimes. Lots of Smart Wool socks for day and night.

I have mostly rested today, a chemical experiment in adding half teaspoons of nutmeg to the custard, on advice of SSK so I would relax out of vigilance for my body being so over the top, and settle into a gentle, more relaxed awareness of my body. Nutmeg really works. I have spent a lot of time picking random crds from the healing deck, reading, doing a bit of laundry, unpacking from the hospital (finally!) and not much else. Oh, I think I did eight Christmas cards. I am just working a lot to imagine how I can better take care of me through this healing time. So I think I will go get a pedicure sometime, my first in probably five years. After I get my toes shaped and in shape, I can keep them up myself for months. ! I am going to use more therapeutic body oils mixed with my sesame oil I use. And new essential oils also with my coconut oil I use on my hair. I am going to not expect me to do anything except sleep, eat, see people on occasion, and just heal, heal, heal. Things will happen as they should. I will keep the lights on and all, but I can tell I'd better honor my body's need to rest and restore, before I get any worse signals from this dear body.

Kay, be sure you have on a good warm hat, and at least two layers on your behind and legs, okay? I like tights under my lined jeans. And then socks as well.

I still need to get the film up on the windows, but I can wait a week or so if I want.

Off to serve myself some chicken soup and a large glass of EmC water.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Later.

It is -15F outside my house right now, and the wind is noticable. The house is holding at 66F, which is wonderful, and I have on socks and layers. I am doing more reading and meditating with the healing cards, feeling the shifts in how I perceive my own self care and self-nurturing. Very good stuff to learn.

I am going over to look at a thread in a place I forget it there, further down the page from here.

I venture further afield.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

I started a special holiday journal today, to celebrate memories of Doug. To carry on some of our traditions, including the annual Christmas letter which we posted to blogs every year, with photos. I did not carry on with this last year, but I will this year since I am more back among the climbing community and the archaeology community. and a dab of art people.

Doug and I sometimes cut a tree, and sometimes got trees to transplant here, either from the forests or from the nursery. I am thinking of getting a little live blue spruce again, and planting it in a special place in memory of Doug, when it is time to put it outside later one. I can keep it in the house for quite a while, maybe decorate it for Valentine's Day and Easter before we plant it in thawing, nutritious soils. We would dig pits where we wanted to plant future trees, then we would compost in those pits, with an excellent variety of compost and worms. I have a couple of pits left for trees.

I have not yet decorated other than the glads and some cedar. But I don't think I am strong enough yet to forage in the attic, up the little ladder, nor yet ready to climb ladders to hang decorations.

So I am going to be depending on all of you to share your festive feats or strength, grace, solace, ritual, and celebration here with me as I move most gently through this season, being kinder to my dear body each day as I learn more awareness and care for its needs and gentle messages to me.

I think I have pushed it far enough, and it is time to rest and heal and let my heart guide my days, letting go of all performance expectations, active routines, and most work, until I can rise one morning and listen to my heart sing again for the joy and gratitude of living in a healed and healthy body.

I am giving myself body restoration and maintenance for Christmas, along with a few other things. And I am getting some of my dear David's prize-winning watercolors, what he calls "the studio dregs" which means he has not sold them at year end and he needs to clean out space. These are from three years ago, many in Italy or Switzerland, where he painted for parts of summers. I would do that with my art, too: Christmas sale for all the stuff not sold in galleries or on commissions. So, I bought 6, and I will share them here when they arrive, probably in January, since he is leaving soon on a vacation. I fear he is becoming more dissipated, but he is Not My Job, thank goodness. I am so glad I am not trying to heal anyone else right now: I think I am actually a full-time job.

I look at my recent health history of the last 2 years, and I see a decrease in enjoyment of movement and physical challenges, and an increase in hospital stays. I am reversing that, through a time first of gentle body awareness and notes, so I can go for a good physical come January, and then a slow-healing, soft moving routine for morning and also for evening, so that I can gain strength and agility without any further injury. Mindful healing of all the bits and pieces in need of healing. I have a life ahead of me, and I am going to get my body in balance with my heart/mind/spirit so I can go play and be more in nature.

I love this cold weather. I am sorry for everyone who is inconvenienced in any way by its beauty and cold, indifferent presence in our spheres of awareness. I hope you are each safe, coy and warm, resting, snugged in with good reading, films, music, and company. I am enjoying solitude and the growing sense of grace here in my home as I relax into peace and healing, setting all other things aside and only answering the phone when it appeals to me to do so. I am working on better following my heart on all things, knowing that it is altogether too easy for me to live in my head. And my heart is attending to me right now, helping with this healing which is happening on my skeletal, neural, muscular, digestive, and energetic Chakra planes of existence.

I feel as though I am healing layers of my being, and when I did a heart opening meditation yesterday, my heart opened like the petals of a beautiful flower, until I came to a place of great beauty, where there was still a sharp pain when I tried to fully open that place, and I realized that place is where I am holding grief for Doug, and while it may hurt less and open more, I think there will always be a point of brilliant L*ve there, dedicated and consecrated to my wonderful husband who brought so much wonder and peace, play and joy into my life. And I know he would say the same for me, his forever adventure partner. I know he no longer needs that old body, but I am calling on his help for me to get mine back into good health and strong condition. I have things to do.

Thank you all for bringing your hearts here and sharing from your hearts and to our hearts. What a wonderful web of lovingkindness is here. Thank you Marty, Mary, everyone who comes here to bring the joy and pain of love to share around the fire. We hold each other up to the Light.

*<twinkles>*

PS.. look out at sunset to the Southwest to see Venus and the Moon making beautiful aspects to each other. It is worth a step out into the cold night air just to see the beauty of the Heavens.

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae it's morning here and I'm back in bed with coffee (which always used to be brought to me by my Pete) and I just read what you wrote. I woke feeling very low after all the floods have devastated places I love, on top of loss and your posting lifted me up just a bit. We have to just keep on keepin on don't we? I'm going to Leeds today until Tuesday and it will be good. I will make sure it is good. This is my life now and I have to live it (somehow). Thanks Fae. No time to write more. Jan

[KarenK]

Hi Gang,

Well, I decided to go look for some Christmas spirit via shopping this afternoon.

First mistake: Don't go Christmas shopping late Friday afternoon.

Second mistake: Don't expect to find what you're looking for.

All kidding aside, I managed to order the hamburger grill press my son has been wanting. Didn't find the jeans I wanted for my grandson. Sorry, I can't afford the price of actual Levi's anymore, so will look elsewhere.

I was sort of enjoying looking at everything, but out of nowhere, I felt like someone had poured a big vat of sadness over me & I completely lost interest. Of course, I know where it came from. I was walking around in the men's dept. seeing all those things I would never buy for Ron again. Maybe I'll try again next week. I'm afraid weekend shopping would be horrendous. I'm leaning toward small gift cards for my daughter & her family. I know it's not very personal, but that way they could get something they wanted.

Hope all of you are warm & safe.

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, I am sorry your shopping trip was so difficult. The malls are not a place I enjoy even when it is not holiday time but holidays are the worst with the crowds, all the things one would like to buy for loved ones but affording them is another question, and then the music, couples, and so much more. I shop on line for Christmas and our family does not buy much anymore which works for me. I do hope your next adventure to the mall is more successful and less painful.

Peace

Mary

[mfh]

fae, I do hope decorating for Christmas consists of the plants and flowers you have already purchased. I have put my creche up and surrounded it with fresh greens, put Christ lights in the front windows, candles here and there and greens that fill the house with their aroma. That is what my body can handle. It seems you have completed what your body can handle in the way of decorations. I see you wanting so much to grab on to self care, to integrate it deeply while a good part of you wants to keep on doing and doing. It is tough to ignore that call to "do more". I went through the same battle as my RA surfaced after Bill died and it remains a constant reminder to me that I have to let go of things like today's house walk, caroling, and more on our Country Christmas weekend...as the temps are well below zero. It is time for most of us to let go of long, packed days of "doing" anything. I do hope you will indeed take care your body in the same way you took care of Doug....self compassion, love, no pressure, no expectations of doing....I see these bitter cold days as opportunities to just be and as tough as they get sometimes, it is exactly what is needed. Peace to your heart and body. I am listening to the following interview today in view of the dream I had about vulnerability last night. It is a recurring dream that I have when I feel vulnerable. Here is the link for I know you know vulnerability very well.

http://www.onbeing.org/program/brene-brown-on-vulnerability/4928?utm_source=On+Being+Newsletter&utm_campaign=18baf6cd66-20131123_Newsletter_Brene_Brown&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1c66543c2f-18baf6cd66-67545345

If you go to onbeing.org you can also get the edited version of this interview. I prefer the unedited ones as there are some gems in there. I think in this interview, Brene's definition of hope is truly outstanding.

This is Brene Brown....a vulnerability expert. I wish you peace today.

Mary

[kayc]

Karen,

Maybe you could get him a gift card he could use on the jeans he wants?

fae,

I'm layering, but it's not as cold here as there. I can actually get overheated shoveling snow, it's very exerting.

Yesterday on Hwy 58 (our only way in/out of town) there were 50-100 wrecks between MP 11 & 15, they closed the hwy for hours. My daughter said there were hundreds of wrecks in Eugene, people there don't know how to drive it the snow, nothing was plowed and it was treacherous! I am learning a new level of worry about my kids...she knows how to drive in the snow, my kids learned in it, but it's others careening into them that scares me...it wasn't that long ago when I was hit twice and that was in good weather!

[feralfae]

nattering, then ranting, then more nattering.

It is up to -15F here, and the sun is shining. I am doing my best to have another very quiet, convalescent sort of day here, with my chicken soup, rice, applesauce, and decaf.

As I pick cards and read about them, then meditate on them, I am shifting my perspective of not only myself, but of relationships, about how I see the future, my focus on others to one more balanced and in tune with my own needs, and shifting how I relate to others and how I allow others to relate to me.

I am mostly just resting today, keeping the fires stoked, and my own self fed, and that is about all for the day. Reading some books. Most of my books are packed, so this is an interesting time to read E-books on the internet.

I saw an article this morning on a proposed solar array wrapped around Moon's equator, as a way to harvest energy for humankind. This engineering project and concept is being proposed by a Japanese firm. And their nuclear power system have been so benign and benevolent to Earth.

Goodness.

We were given a beautifully-operating natural system, the means to shape stuff, and the knowledge to harness power. If one could only take greed out of the human equation, it would end most of the poverty, most of the pollution, and allow humans to share our great gifts from our Earth more lovingly, to everyone. And the big challenge, is that we must do it peacefully, for we are not allowed, as are governments, to use the initiation of force to get our way.

I go to write about this on my blog, or at least set forth the general outlines. I have a few readers in Japan. Maybe this will go to the Hague. They hate adverse publicity, and it is so entertaining to give them.

Don't you just love the hubris of greed, which cannot learn from its almost-lethal mistakes, but keeps pushing.

As I, on another sin, have done with my body: believing that I could command it without listening to it and paying attention to the smallest of feedbacks. Thank goodness I got Doug's surgeon, who is a honorable man of good character, and gave me aftercare instructions. There were some fairly serious mistakes made in the hospital. Both visits. But this time, I was blessed to have their Bolivian CNA (who loves opera, and is a legal refugee, and was probably an RN equivalent back in Bolivia). She surreptitiously cared for me, correcting the nurses' mistakes, discussing classical music with me. Marvelous woman! Her family is here as well. She is in an interesting position, and has a great sense of wry humor with the shortcomings and fears of the undereducated nursing staff.

"The USA trained nurses have great knowledge of how to work the machines that record everything to computers for government and insurance, all without touching the patient, without assessing outward from the patient's heart, and then the patient's posture, facial relaxation, holding their hand their take their pulse, state of the bed, bathroom, connections, vacuum feed, duration of IV feeds to catch them before they wake patient, etc. Making comfort and compassion rounds, without machines. The nurses did not notice anything but getting the vitals into the machine, and noticing if the yellow rather than green lights came on." She laughed and laughed, and she took very good care of me in many ways. I was blessed with two angels: my CNA and Doug's surgeon. Both true healers. *<twinkles>* Her name, delightfully enough, is Carmen. We had such a delightful talk about that fact and the opera. A cultural canteen in a cultural desert, I might add.

Back to the Moon for a minute: Maybe some of us should offer to leave, colonize the Moon the way Australia was colonized, but without the cops. They so easily become plantation drivers. When Jefferson envisioned this country, he saw it as a land of free people, and that is pretty much over, the government and corporations have us so scared of each other and our humanity. I hate this hyper-materialistic culture. Well, any feeling person would.

So, maybe we need to publicize an anodyne for more engineering from the people who gave us Chernoble, Fukushima, New Orleans, and more. I think we need to talk to the plant people who are doing unkind things to plants and therefore to all living things depending on those seeds. Things are pretty messed up. Where to begin? There are adventures that are about making love with Earth, rather than assaulting her and her living things.

I suppose these adventures happen by living as consciously as we can with ourselves, our homes, our villages, and being willing to be at the whims of tides and rivers, rocks and cold. I wish for those who need that sense that the Earth feel always roped in and on belay. But, goodness! it is just too much fun to play in the safety zones all the time! Somebody has to dance out here on the edge. I am learning how to better heal and listen to my own body, and this is a remarkable adventure. Not all adventures are out the door. Well, at least not out some doors. As I am slowly, sadly, sacredly closing some doors these days, others are opening before me, and I walk into new layers of knowledge, awareness, and Faith.

I am incredibly grateful to have been given the angels in the hospital this time, and to have had such protection and loving care at the hands and hearts of two remarkable healers, holding on to their profession even as it becomes one of fear and greed, more about papers and accounts than compassion and healing. I have been blessed with some wonderful people, striving to stay on their paths in the midst of the machinery of madness.

And I'd better get about learning all I can about healing myself, the way I did for Doug. It feels strange to go into this layer of healing, of unconditional love, and of allowing myself to be this broken and weak, and having the faith and patience that I can heal myself with help from some true healers.

Namaste

fae

[feralfae]

It has been 22 months this night at 10:20 pm since my most magnificent husband escaped from his non-functioning body and took off to play in the stars. Since that date, wonderful miracles of messages have filled my life and kept my heart going. I cannot imagine how I would have made it this far without Doug's presence, keeping structures of loving angels all around me everywhere I turn.

I am every so slowly coming back into awareness of myself, for as SSK reminds me, I had good and true reasons to ignore my body for a long time while I was caring for Doug. But that time is over, and my own body needs all the kindness, compassion, caring, awareness, listening, attending, and nutritional food for body, spirit, mind, heart, that I would give Doug.

I was just questioning my own compassion during his last days, and wondering if I was present enough with him. His family were already attacking me. Nasty rumors were being spread. Doug needed my loving compassion, not my anger or upset with his family. I remember standing outside the door to our bedroom, having just asked one member to never call me again, and hanging up on him. I had to find my center, remember why I was here, at this time, out of all the places two individuals could have been. There were reasons I was here, with Doug, while he was leaving. And I remember my compassion, being pulled up out of a well of fear, anger, confusion, and hurt, and remembering the wonderful love Doug and I shared, and how much of a miracle we both considered it to be that we had found each other.

I have learned so very much. I am still learning. I have only a vague outline of my Path, the one Doug kindly sketched out for me prior to his escape, but it is all still holding true in ways too numerous to mention. NOw I am learning to listen better to my body again. As a runner, I knew how to measure my lung capacity as I ran, how to measure the strength left in my calves and feet, so many things. I am getting reacquainted with my body, and my toes are truly much healed, as are some larger muscles. I guess it is time to be more holistic about this healing.

I am making friends with my body again.

Nattering...

fae

[enna]

A most endearing thing about tonight, dear Fae, is that you are surrounded with love around this glowing fire that will always burn.

You have been blessed to have Doug so present to you even though it is not as you would like him to be.

I am sure that you will continue to give your body the loving kindness that it needs right now.

And of course, the fairy dust you sprinkle all around us is not just for those of us here but it is also for you. You are indeed being protected by something great.

Thinking of you tonight as you reflect on what has happened these past 22 months. Anne

[feralfae]

Thank you dear Anne,

I am indeed reflecting, looking at pieces, releasing some of the pain of those days, focusing more on the joy of your happy years together, and believing that being still alive means there is more joy along this path for me.

Blessings,

Namaste,

fae

[enna]

Thinking of all of us who are going through health issues...and keep warm everyone.

I Choose to be Happy Because it's Good for My Health

[feralfae]

The candles are lit. There is a splash of a 2003 Red Mountain Matthews Hedges Estates Syrah in my Raven glass.

Somehow, Doug's escape left open this entry for Angels, and they have moved into my life on all sorts of space/time coordinates.

I lift my glass to all here. I go to continue The Secret of Roan Innish.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I hope you enjoyed your evening. My day/night did not go as planned. I'd planned to sell my cards at the Sugarplum Festival, but the roads were treacherous and the temperature too cold to leave Arlie in his pen, so I stayed home, missing not only that but our church's annual Christmas party. It seems everything is getting canceled for me this year. Last night my neighbor called six times in a row when I was on the phone with my friend, my call with her dropped and suddenly I had him on the phone. He wanted me to take him to the hospital. We are having record lows, and the roads are snotty, hundreds of wrecks, the plow, instead of removing the snow, packed it down and didn't put any sand out, not even on corners. I have never left Arlie alone in the house because of his separation anxiety and chewing, and I couldn't put him in the pen in this cold...it got to 1*! I can't take my truck out of town and my car is buried in snow in Oakridge. I told him to call his brother, who lives just a few miles from here and has a big 4WD truck. He complained and I could tell he was unhappy with me, but I didn't think it prudent for me to be out in this. This is the same neighbor with the dog I took care of. I feel he tries to take advantage of me. He has had a fiance for ten years and she never does anything for him...he won't call her because he says she's scared to drive the hwy...yet it's okay for me to kill myself? No! He could call an ambulance, he has insurance for that purpose.

I felt bad all night, guilty, why is it so hard for me to disappoint others, to say no? My ex-boss took advantage of me, treated me deplorably, so many people have. But I did it, I said no, and he got to the hospital and back, without my help. It's funny how people don't mind imposing on you even if it's to your detriment. I mean, seriously, in all these years, I haven't seen this many reported accidents and it's been 41 years since it's been this cold here! We aren't used to it! Even with my fire going around the clock, it's only 63* in here. I also find that people who don't make good decisions for themselves and don't take care of themselves or their homes, think it's everyone else's emergency when they are hit with the consequences! (I could give you a long list of examples here but I'll spare you.) I have to learn to be better at saying no and putting my own needs first. I'm not talking wants, I'm talking needs.