Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

This is the first morning since Doug left that I woke up with my old smile, stretch, and jump our of bed to check the snow levels with a smile. It is cold in the house this morning, because I neither stoked the wood fires nor turned up the alternate heat of the baseboards. But the sunshine is streaming in the windows and It is a good time to write before a long day in the office.

I was just writing to Kristen a minute ago, realizing how much she has lost: her love, her home they shared, his children who were their family, and really so many ties to Marcus as well. I feel so blessed to still be here, in our home, settled in for the present, even as cartons begin to be a daily presence in my life.

Yesterday was my one hour session with the kindly, spiritual, theta Healer from Florida, whom I found through the Grace of G*d, for there is no other description of accidentally stumbling on to his blog, and reading, posting a test message, receiving a loving reply, and being inspired to contact him about a healing session. He is also a fairly well-known psychic, I later found out.

I wrote to him of my intention to let go of my anger and victimhood associated with Doug's family's actions, and he said it was the perfect work for an energy healer to undertake. He would spend a while in prayer, then we would Skype.

We found that my fear of them was based on some underlying fears that had been around since I was a small child and, to say the least, was treated very harshly by a person in whose care I was left for a while. Once we got to the root fear, it was very easy to dissolve it. We had a very good hour talking and reviewing, and then talked another while just to visit about events in the Catholic Church, the dying paradigm of patriarchy, and the future of our work here on Earth this time. (A very concept-laden sentence, that!)

The most remarkable part was that while we were praying together, a blade was pulled from my heart. I was allowed to see it. It was my own blade, the one with the family crest on it, the one I would dream I was holding as I stood over injured Doug, protecting him in battle. I had that dream at least twenty times while we were fighting the cancer. I could see us in the mist-laced Highlands, me standing over my fallen husband, barely able to lift his Claymore, but ready to twirl with it, and keep the enemy away. I have family stories from my grandparents, who had them from their grandparents, back to the early ones, who arrived in this country in 1770, indentured servants from Scotland.

As the blade, my own blade, was lifted from my heart, I felt the most remarkable sense of peace and healing. My anger is gone. I am no one's victim. My fear is also gone.They cannot hurt me again.  I know there will be some vestiges to flush and some minor work to do, but the big weight is lifted from my heart, and that is such a wonderful feeling!

So, although yesterday the ruffians were apparently at it again, I am more at peace with it. I am not going to spend any more time trying to figure out their evil ways or trying to defend against what they will do next. They are not my family, and it is not my responsibility to protect their reputations, so I will just call the police from now on, and quit trying to protect their reputations. What they do can be public, for all I care. I have no reason to protect the family name, and their actions are their own. I am not stating this well, but I have tried to not let any of this be public.

And I do not need to carry their problems for them: it they make mistakes and mess up, they can deal with the authorities, not me. Mostly, I simply feel cleansed of carrying their issues, which are not mine to carry. Doug was always cleaning up their messes, but I am not Doug, and I will not do so any more.

It was a very healing session. Today is a busy office day, with web site graphics updates and the new server project, paying bills, going over accounts, reviewing the draft of the other tax return, and meetings with two charities we helped in the past. And I have friends coming tomorrow, Wednesday, to help with moving down things from the attic for sorting and packing. I am not yet allowed to navigate the pull-down attic stairs/ladder with my broken but now almost healed foot. It is healed, but the tendons and muscles are still a little weak. No ladders for another four or five months. I can live with that.

Enough. Time to go greet the sun, have prayers out in the cold sunshine, and then make camp at the desk for the morning.
*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

smile, sunshine, healing, peace - what a collection of beautiful, positive words you have awakened to, Fae.

We have no room for fear in our hearts. I think it takes away from the love we are all filled with and what is most important to focus on as we journey through our grief. I liked the symbol of the blade that you used from your dreams. You do not need it anymore because your Doug is safe now and I believe he is watching over you. Look around you, Doug is in all forms of nature as is my Jim. I think that is one reason why I am so drawn to anything in nature. When I hear a hummingbird or see a flower move in the wind or watch the stars at night or feel the water in a pond flow through my toes or watch a butterfly land on my arm or look over and see Benji looking at me I think of my Jim. I am finding that I live much more in the present than I did. I like that feeling.

I am glad that you are not getting up on any ladder - ever!

Please try to slow down and love each moment - we are so quick to let those moments go. I'm off to my visit with my cardiac team. My feeling today is that I am grateful for right now. Anne

[Nemo]

I am late time wise with this post but have enjoyed reading it. I'm kind of a newbie to this group. I just wanted to reply. I am at 18 months of my hubby, Jim, who was and is the love of my life.

I met Jim in Duluth, MN where he was one of the engineers on a new bridge in the Duluth harbor. We met in June and married in Oct. and it was 52 years of a wonderful life, before the Alz. took him. We have 3 wonderful, successful children who are very caring and only live 3 hours from me. We are a very close family and attribute some of that to our wonderful camping years which we dearly loved to do. Jim graduated from Northwestern in 58 with a Civil Engineering degree. One of his best friends continuted to teach there after he graduated, Lyle Mockros.

It just feels good to tell about him and our life as I was so truly blessed.. I was adopted by a wonderful family and then in 1987 I found my birth family and we met and are very close to this day. I've had a wonderful life but I still am very selfish and want my Jim back, but not with the Alzheimer of course. He really died about 2 years before he died as his mind continued to deminish and the last 8 months he didn't know me or our children and became combative so I had to put him in a nursing home which was the very hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I still cry when I think about it. He was a kind, gentle, wonderful and so much more person.

We were able to travel quite a bit and loved it, had our wine about every night when we would discuss our day or whatever. I still have wine at 5 and I usually call a friend and we have wine together so I'm not "drinking alone". Life is just so very different. This winter I spent 7 weeks away and traveled to Australia and New Zealand and stayed with friends. But when I came home it was just awful! I felt the bottom had dropped out of my life. I knew it would be hard coming back to emptiness but I didn't know it would be so bad. I have found that our couple friends have changed and I felt abandoned. For about 2 weeks I was desperatly depressed but I am coming out of it and have some new friends who have been supportive. I am going to volunteer more and with summer coming I will be busier with golf and yard work. I live rural on a lake so it is hard to be involved in something besides the nursing home or serving meals at the senior center. I'm not ready to leave our home which we designed and Jim helped to build yet but I'm 74 and it is a lot to take care of, even though I like the yard work.

I just hate the lonleliness.

[kayc]

fae, so glad you made some headway with the help of the energy healer. So glad you are not taking that on, but letting authorities deal with it instead.

Nemo, glad to have you here! Alz. is a hard thing to go through, my mom has Lewy Bodies Dementia, will be seeing her tonight. I can't imagine anything worse than a disease that steals your mind.

Anne, I'm glad to see you living more in the present, that aids our enjoyment of life!

Last night I was talking with Jim and he said his daughter (who was widowed a year ago) is "celebrating" anniversaries of everything with her late husband, everything with her grandma...so much celebrating she isn't paying her bills and having problems because of it. When he named some of the celebrations (anniversary of his graduating, their first date, their first wedding, their second wedding, grandma's birthday, etc.) She was going to leave him the day she found him slumped on the bathroom floor, dead. Many of the anv. of things with her gma were things she missed doing with her while she was alive (bdy etc). I'm wondering if it's guilt driving her excessive commemorating. I just told him people handle grief differently and in their own way but he's concerned because of it affecting her and her daughter's life. I think anything carried to an extreme becomes unhealthy but I know she needs to realize and find her own way herself, that the talks he's had with her haven't changed anything.

[feralfae]

Dear Nemo,

I am so sorry to learn of your loss and loneliness. Thank you so much for posting here, because you made several of my heart strings resonate. That is always nice. I taught at Northwestern in Evanston for years, my daughters grew up there, and I was head of the Archaeology Research Center there for years as well.

My husband Doug and I were in Duluth for a day, and I love the story of you and Jim meeting there, claiming each other, and having such a good life together. I lost Doug 14 months ago to cancer, after years of fighting against it.

(Okay, I am going to start writing my posts on word, then copying them over to the reply block on HOV, because I keep losing what I have typed in the block. I hope this works better, because I am not the world’s best typist anyway, and losing what I have typed is rugged.)

You have been traveling, which sounds very fun. I’ve not yet been to Australia, but hope to go visit dear friends who have moved there. I have not had the energy to do much traveling yet, although we used to take long driving trips, shuttle back and forth between Montana and Alaska, and occasionally I would take off for some far- away place for work, and sometimes Doug would come with me.

I am pretty isolated out here where I live in our little forest, but try to get to town a few times each week, and of course, to the office. Where I am now.

I hate the loneliness, too.

I think one reason I come to this fire so much, to be with this Tribe, is that here, I feel I have friends who see who I am, who care about my heart and healing, and who are walking the same path. This family here is the closest I have found to the perfect family, and I have no idea why they let an old, dusty shovel bum and rock-hopper like me hang out with them, receiving me with so much love, but I am accepting the blessings, and so incredibly thankful for it. I hope you will be here more often with us. It helps to share our stories and to hear others as well. It makes this grief journey so much easier.

I am so glad you are here with us. Please come back often, bring a cup of tea or coffee, or a glass of wine if the time of the day is right, and pull up a chair by the fire, for there is a great deal of healing and hope, love and compassion, and yes, good company here.

I am so very happy to meet you.

Much Love, Blessings, and my usual fairy dustings of

<twinkles>

fae

[kayc]

Old dusty shovel bum??? Ha ha, maybe because that could describe any of us, you fit right in! Ha ha, I've never heard that term though.

[feralfae]

Good morning Kay!
I hope you are feeling much better, than Arlie is happily playing, and that kitty cat is doing better as well.

I hope for you a very well household.

Yes, it is time for me to stop protecting these people from the logical consequences of their own actions. I am not going to actively engage with them, but just call the authorities from now on. As Doug’s dear friend who is our attorney said, “Criminal acts are criminal acts, no matter what the family relationships. Do not protect them.” So, I won’t, and it feels very good not thinking I am bound to protect their reputations any more. Doug would have done that, but it is not my job. While I was talking with the healer, I could hear Doug saying, “I had to leave to escape them, but you can just walk away! Do it!” That was a great relief that he does not expect me to try to fix them, teach them a lesson, or protect them. Whew!!!

You are so right about the extremes. I have several friends here who watch me, to make sure I do not go too far out of bounds. When I lost David, I took up running marathons and doing outrageous physical things, and ended up having a very bad climbing fall after more than 30 years of safe climbing. I do not want to get out of bounds again. I am pretty good at setting limits these days, like staying off ladders.

How is work? Have you been able to talk with the new vet much? I am still sending out <twinkles> for that perfect place for you to work. I wish you were in Montana, where I know so many people who own businesses. I just don’t know people out where you are to scout better positions for you, but I know that there is a lovely place for you and that it will all work out soon. You are so worthy of having that for your life.

My Aunt said to tell you congratulations, and why aren’t you a vet assistant? J She leaves today with two friends to go explore some hill country in Oklahoma where we have ancestors buried, from back when it was the Indian Territory. They are scouring records at a tribal center near there. All three of them in their eighties! Totally great women!

Ah, work calls, and someone just put a stack of files on my desk, so I’d better sign off and go review these prior to the arrival of my first appointment at 10:30.

I loved that Mary said she was off to get her fangs cleaned. That image of dear, gentle Mary with fangs is going to have me chuckling all day. J

<twinkles>

fae

[feralfae]

You know, shovel bums are archaelogists who dig in the Earth a lot. I don't anymore, but certainly did my share of digging in my younger days.

Rock-hoppers are mountain climbers.

C'est moi.

fae

[Nemo]

Thank you for the reply. It feels good to just talk about Jim and where I am at. I really intend to be a survivor and I will work on it. It's just hard to create a new life just for me when I really don't know what way to go. I am not one to sit and do nothing as it gets to me and I know Jim wants me to find a life without him. I don't want to disappoint his expectations of me.

I like reading what everyone writes and it feels good to know that I am not alone on my feelings that reach pretty low sometimes. Today is a rainy dark day and it's been tough making myself do something useful but I know tomorrow will be a sunny day and a lot more uplifting to me. Jim always was so positive about life and was not one to look back but to always look forward and make new plans. He had a very positive affect on my life and I attribute a lot of who I am to him. Not only that he was very handsome!! hee hee had to add that. I was so fortunate to have met him.

You have been very encouraging to me and I enjoy reading what is posted, it really helps.

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Nemo

Your Jim sounds so much like my Pete who was also a very positive person who didnt look back. We were married 50 years and its so hard to have to live without him. But I am doing the best I can. You are not alone and we all understand here. I get enormous solace from the wonderful people on this forum. Keep going, as Jim would want. Jan

[kayc]

My dear fae, I would love to work for a vet! A friend of mine just told me to mix pumpkin, yogurt, and canned cat food and add probiotics to it for Kitty. She doesn't do well on canned catfood but since I'll just be giving her a bit maybe it'll be okay. I still need to figure out how much probiotics to give her...I give Arlie a tsp but he's a moose! No, I didn't know that about shovel bums but I guess that qualifies you!

Nemo, You can tell us as much as you want about your Jim, I love hearing about our spouses...they were pretty special people or we wouldn't be here having a hard time.

Jan, I can't imagine what it would be like to be married 50 years and then lose my spouse, it must be very hard. I was so used to the life I had with George as it was. I know this is a hard time of year for you and you continue to be in my thoughts.

[mfh]

Dear nemo,

I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to our group. I do realize that this is a gathering of sad people but we are loving and supportive when others in our lives struggle to know what to say or do. I read in one of your posts that your couple friends seem to have left. This is not unusual. And I am sorry it has happened and glad you have some new friends.

I am 73 years old so we are in that same group of wise crones. My husband Bill died of Alzheimer's following a long downhill illness. It was rough but I do not need to tell you that. The first two years were tough and I am doing better now...still ups and downs and the 3rd anniversary was difficult last month. But over all I am learning to carry grief with greater acceptance and ease. I never would have believed that 3 or even 2 years ago. We are all here for you and with you and I encourage you to post often and gain the loving support that the group offers.

I will post more later...I am sort of tired and need a nap. Peace to your heart, Mary

[feralfae]

Hello Dear Ones,

I am wrapping up a long day of lots of things, and going to go forage for food, maybe take a bath, and will check in here later, but I wanted to send loving hello to everyone, Welcome Nemo again, and say once again how blessed I am to be among this tribe.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Hello, everyone, sorry i am not around much. Working on a desk project, and it taking my time. My body is resting, but my mind is busy. I hope to have this done by tomorrow evening, and off via FedEx.

Time to make a salad, tea, a piece of toast, and then a shower and a nap. Long days, but not the chaos Mary and Bentley are enduring. I hope you two find one restful place to snuggle and nap, with Bentley planted firmly at your feet. {{{hugs}}}

Dear Nemo, I am so glad you are here with us, and I am looking forward to reading more about your handsome husband, hee hee. That is wonderfully cute of you, dear one. I am smiling. {{{hugs}}}

Jan, you are asleep, and I hope you are resting. I think you have company, or soon. I just hope you are having time to rest and restore prior to more being hostess. {{{hugs}}}

Dear Anne, I love your heart about your heart! And the description of flowers, the bird video, and your peaceful day. I' too, am there in spirit for the lovely dinner with tulips on the table. Delightful. {{{hugs}}}

Kay, I am so glad to hear that kitty is doing so much better with the probiotics! Hurray! And that you had a good visit with your Mom, too. Yes, I understand now that you cannot take Arlie for long walks every day. That commute! Things will get better soon. I just know. {{{hugs}}}

Kristen, I hope you are doing well, and that you are finding a little peace each day, and a few moments of good memories. {{{{hugs}}}

Marty, you seem fine. Good. {{{hugs}}}

This was a very quiet day, mostly thinking and writing. Everyone left me alone to think, which was nice. It was also nice to have the presence of other people around, though. Now I am alone, and I feel that a nap is in order, so I am going to go take one. With Anne and Kay out there, I will probably dream of hummingbirds. I have not seen any here yet this year. We brought their feeders in at night, so they would not go into thermal shock sipping cold nectar in the frosty mornings.

*<twinkles>*

faef

[feralfae]

Hello,

I feel lost here, very behind on my reading and current events, having been more or less away a few days.

The project left to go out via feEx tomorrow. Whew! And tomorrow the boys will be here part of the day, but Sunday, I am going to come here, catch up on all the news and conversations, and find out more about how the Tribe is doing.

I had to write to Shannon and Kristen, because I think they both need a lot of love and support right now.

The rest of the Tribe, I love and miss you all, and feel as though I am sending a postcard. Miss you, see you soon.

Much Love and now I am going to shower and then sleep. The thought of bed and no alarm in the morning is a marvelous prospect of decadence, compared to these last days. But the project is done. Out the door.

*<twinkles>*

fae

PS, yes, I have been pushing. Work gets that way sometimes, and I have not yet figured out how to retire and still pay all the bills. And mostly, I enjoy my work. So, Mary, Kay, everyone, I am going to sleep, and will go to bed early tomorrow as well, and maybe get a nap. I am truly exhausted. I fling fairy dust to you all. and {{{hugs}}}

[mfh]

Sleep well. You wrote a lovely note to Shannon and Kristen...nice!

Mary

[enna]

Mary, I like your picture of Charlie Brown. I almost posted this on FB!

Oh Fae dear, I am glad that you are going to rest. We need to do that to renew ourselves. Taking care of ourselves is our first order of business.

One thing that is good for all of us to remember is that each one of us is here because we have lost a loved one. Sometimes other obstacles come into our paths and we have to learn to make room for them. Illnesses are very common to those of us who grieve. Each one of us has to listen to our own needs and do what is in our hearts. We have to remember that we are here for one another. We reach out, we comfort, we encourage, we say and mean it that we do 'get it'. We speak what is in our hearts.

"May the great mystery make sunrise in your heart." Anne

[feralfae]

Good morning my Tribe,

I love being part of this loving Tribe here.

I am still in my nightgown, and it is after 8 am. My body feels pretty worn down, and my mind is rather lazy. My Godsons have a morning soccer game, and will not be here until around noon, so I am just truly lolling about, sipping some decaf, wondering if I have enough energy to make a piece of toast, and happily staring out the windows at the Divide and closer, the birds at the feeders.

I don't sleep well when I have big projects in the works, because my mind keeps going right through the wonderful sleep meditations, so the sense of relief today -- that all the deadlines, even the surprise ones, have been met; that the new formulae work well; that all the private funding is already in place; that we have staff already in place to deliver the new services; that the children will have their own literacy programs while we help them to have more self-confidence about their ability in using their prosthetics for sports and yes, even running ; and that we can provide some help to their families; and that it will all work (!) feels really, really great. There is a lot more to do with this program, but we are building on the successes we have had, and moving along. Happiness.

Meanwhile, I do feel pretty drained, though, so I am going to just rest and maybe read a little until the Godchildren arrive. I don't need to go to town today, and have fresh organic eggs from a friend, some hydroponic lettuce from another friend with greenhouses, and three beautiful organic apples brought to me by one of my office mates. Life is good. I have fresh, delicious food, it is getting warmer, and I may get to work on my tent decorations today. I hope to figure out how to post a photo here when our tent is done.

I am not packing today, but the Godchildren will help to put together the new guest room, although the drapes are not done yet. We are taking down the huge antique bell. I hope there will be time to bring down some things from the attic for packing. I am not yet allowed to climb the attic steps, which is more a ladder than stairs.

Oh! Hold the presses! There is a daffodil in bloom in one of the flower gardens! I just saw it! Hurray! I will go look around for crocus and other blooms later today when it is warmer.

And dear Anne, I just must say how wonderfully courageous, compassionate, brilliant, and sensitive you are being for yourself. I congratulate you most heartily, and send a huge tossing of special *<fairy dust>* to you, with all that the dust contains (ingredients include, but are not limited to: prayers, best wishes, {{{hugs}}}, loving and healing thoughts, admiration, encouragement, compassion, caring, heaps of Love, and topped with scoops of joy and delight sprinkled with Hope and Faith). Fairy dust is a powerful mixture. I am smiling. But I also believe it works. Good for you.

This is a very good Tribe. I am going to get dressed now so I can wander around the forest for a while and see if I can spot any more signs of Spring. Ah, there are two robins in one of the apple trees. This is going to be a very good day, starting off very well.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Something I listened to that reminded me of how hurried we are in our lives – Slowing Down to the Speed of Life.

Part 1

Part 2

I think we all could slow down just a bit.

Thank you for your kind words fae. I truly appreciate the *<fairy dust> you toss my way. I am hoping that you will find more signs of spring as our Midwesterners have finally started to enjoy. I was preparing for a houseful if spring didn’t arrive soon. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, thanks for those videos. A great reminder to just stop, slow down, be, do not push the river...Thank you. Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for those wonderful videos on slowing to the speed of life. Lovely! I love the saying, "You can't push the river." Patience is the perfect anodyne for today's non-contemplative life, but boy! do I ever need to learn more patience! Doug was remarkably patient. I am working on practicing patience.

Nattering ...

I just figured out this morning that my anxiousness and feeling the need to continue to defend myself from the ruffians is merely a vestigial emotional state from the years of caring for Doug, when I needed to be on alert and vigilant to make sure Doug was getting the best care, that we were staying up to date on tests, etc. Many spreadsheets, special diets, careful preparation of foods that Doug could digest, so many things, as we fought against the cancer, and did all we could to win more time together.

I need to "lighten up" as the video speaker points out. I no longer need to be vigilant. I no longer need to stand at ready on the defensive. I have been watching myself, seeing how I stand out of the flow of life so often, checking on things, being on alert.

I think many of us need to unlearn this constant vigilance. The last months of Doug's life, I had the alarm set to wake me up every two hours to check on Doug the times he was on the machines. And when he was not on the machines, I still checked on him very often, to make sure he was all right. I needed to: one surgeon, while inserting a new PIK line, had nicked and deflated one of Doug's lungs, and I only caught it because I knew the pace and depth of Doug's resting breath. And I could tell when the pain medication was not effective by the catches in his breath, even when he was too weak to let me know verbally. So many things. I built up a structure of vigilance and defensiveness on Doug's behalf.

I no longer need to maintain that structure of defensiveness. Even if the ruffians spread rumors, say mean things, or steal more stuff, they really cannot hurt me or my precious life in any meaningful way any longer. Doug is safe, and so am I. I am going to be meditating on this today and the next few days.

I want to walk in life without this fear and needing to be on alert and the defensive all the time. The ruffians were just a point of focus for me, now that I do not need to defend Doug against medical mistakes, of which there were many. I want to get back to the sense of the world being all right; the sense that we had before Doug got sick. Or a new sense, no doubt, with a deeper level faith in life and the beautiful and loving intentions of my Creator.

I am slowly figuring this out, with gratitude for those here who have made a part of this journey, and have shared their stumbling, falls, lostness, and determination to stay on their Path, with others here. Thank you. I am learning how to live in peace again. I really want to arrive back at a place of peace, or feeing safe in the world and life again. I long for that sense of being appropriate and able for life again. I want to be able to balance more in joy than in apprehension.

As we go off to this day, I wish all my Tribe members here a day of peace, joy, and feeling and knowing how much you are a precious gift to each other and to life. We are still here. We have things to do.

We are finding our way.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

All you say, dear fae, is a sign of your deep love for Doug. I think it will take you a while longer to realize that you do not need to work on this vigilance. It will come as the years pass and you breathe that deep breath and can say to yourself, 'I have done what I needed to do.' I think it will just happen when the time is right.

I am encouraged to here that spring is starting to show it's determination. You do know we don't have anything to say about it really. I have never been able to wrap my mind around this universe of ours! Have good hours in your days. Anne

[kayc]

fae, I love staying in my robe and slippers until 9:00 on the weekend...alas I have to get up and get dressed and walk Arlie though! Last night it froze, I had to build a fire, tonight it will be 30 so another fire to build.

Anne, I'll have to remember to watch the videos later at home (no sound here). Thanks for sharing!

[feralfae]

The medical report. I am smiling now, amused, but it is not really very funny.

I had a heart monitoring session yesterday, and all was fine, I thought.

After I came home, a call came that they needed to see me and to schedule some follow-up appointments at the clinic, not the hospital, and that I should be there at 10 AM this morning to talk to a doctor whose name I did not recognize. I went into slight worry mode, wondering what they had found that needed more tests.

When I got there, a very curt woman with elegant acrylic fingernails talons and much rattling bangles handed a stack of papers to me for me to sign. I said I wanted to read them prior to signing them, at which she looked disgusted and impatient. She told me to take them with me to my exam. I noticed the word gastroenterology. Escorted to an exam room, I quizzed the poor nurse, who told me I would not be seeing the doc, but his PT. Apparently, everything was already scheduled for me to have this procedure, because of my age. My age was the singular, only, exclusive, rationale for subjecting me to anesthetic, possible minor surgery, and bodily invasion.

I refused a colonoscopy today. But my blood pressure was high, since I was anticipating bad cardio news.

Then the gastro PT tried to scare me, inflating figures by doubling most of them, as I discovered after I came home and did some research. The hospital/medical group/clinic corporate system discovered that I had not had one of these since I was 50. Correct. My family has no history of cancer of any type, I eat a very healthy feast, fast often, exercise routinely, and have no health issues and take no medications, and am 8 pounds over my routine running weight.

The medical people, I am finding more and more, will occasionally lie to scare one (no doubt thinking the scare for our own good!), a very unfortunate thing to do. Or perhaps they are taught these lies at medical schools largely funded by corporate pharma and corporate foods, not to mention funds from corporate-sponsored government. I am all for pure capitalism, but it does not include corporatism, which shields the profit-makers from liability for their actions. Excuse the rant, please.

And if someone does not want a procedure, should not all available preventive literature always be given out to each candidate, anyway? If one is to practice good medicine I mean? Not one word, not one scrap of paper, was given to me about how I could have a healthier colon. Now, if medical care actually cared, wouldn't you think that there would be stacks and stacks of preventive material on all possible colon problems all over their clinic? Nada. I am glad I have a bit of knowledge of Ayurvedic medicine and foods. (Foods are medicine in Ayurvedic practice. Also in much Eastern Health practice.)

And Doug's colon cancer was because he was often showered with Agent Orange while a Ranger on the ground with his men in VN. Most of the men are gone now. But Doug was also a pilot, and so did not get as much as some of his men did when he was in the air on combat flight duty. And the several of procedures Doug had because of higher risk failed to discover his cancer at all. And he had tremendous discomfort, a small tear, and lots of problems with this procedure. Which did not help him at all against the cancer.

It is beautiful here this afternoon, though. We have had intermittent snow showers, gusting cold winds, and the two daffodils are still courageously smiling at the Earth and at me. I have put out chopped apples and carrots (organic) for the rabbits, deer, and smaller critters so they will have a treat against the cold and snow.

I am just sitting here, typing this, feeling that I had a major victory over corporate medicine today. At least they did tell me that I am a miracle of recovery for Cauda Equina. We knew that. Angels in high places, I think, did the trick. *<twinkles>* (Doug was there with me in OR. I could hear him, whispering in my ear that I would be just fine, hopping rocks again in no time.)

I have a lot to think about -- and to be thankful about -- this last day of Aril, as the snow showers move across the valley from the Divide, obscuring town. I am cocooning this afternoon.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Ah, the procedure would not have been today, but in about a week. They already had the time booked for the doc. I guess he is not making enough with people who are concerned or at risk, I have no idea.

The entire event did not feel caring or concerned, though. More like used car salesmen.

fae