Transformations On This Path

[mfh]

Kay, I know. I know how much you wish he was here.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the healing energy and intention (same thing, of course) and I am feeling better enough that I got in my half hour on the treadmill and some PT exercises today, which always feels good, or at least the shower after always feels good.

Everyone who voted that I need more rest wins the prize. I almost fell asleep twice today while meditating, then just gave up and took a nap. And who could not see these blue circles under my eyes, except for me, of course? So I am augmenting sleep back to 9 hours from 7. Yes, I am usually such a high-energy person that most of my friends take me in shifts. Maybe this whole year is going to slow me down a little bit, which is not a bad thing. I am a terrible overachiever most of the time, and I am learning compassion for my own body and heart, mind and spirit right now.

I love your plans for the ties. I gave Doug's Cosette silk ties, which he usually wore, went to his Godsons. I have not gone through his ties that were in Fairbanks yet. I also like your plan for the shirts and pj bottoms. You are going to have a lot of fun! I don't know what I will do with some of the material yet. Doug wanted us to design and make an elk hide (from Wyoming) and brocade gown for me to wear to the next UIAA (Intl. Alpinist Union) Ball. Nepal. We did not quite make it, as Doug went into the hospital a couple months prior to our trip/vacation/etc. So, I have some interesting materials on hand, and I love designing and making clothes, and used to do it for fun and vacation $$$ in Evanston. I may do a few outfits for me. Thank you for inspiring some sewing creativity in me! {{{hugs}}}

And I am sure Benji not only knows lots of words, but can be taught new ones. Some dogs have extensive human language vocabularies. Doug always tried to speak Dog to all our friends' sled Dogs, and we all laughed and laughed. But there were interesting results. So, Benji knows more than most humans would probably be aware.

I hope your heart is singing, and that you are finding at least a couple minutes of happy music in your mind each day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

You had told me that George was at one time an upholsterer, but not this lovely and tender story. How good to have those memories. I know it is not easy yet. Sometimes, I can just look at a stick of firewood Doug cut and start to cry, so filled with loneliness. Soon, more of the regrets will fade, and the memories will bring more smiles. It is just beginning for me, that sometimes I will smile instead of feel the pain of emptiness.

I hope you are also getting enough rest. (How is Arlie right now!? asks one of his godmothers) What a saga with that dog! And Taco Soup!

And Kay, I am just sending intentions for happiness and peace for you this next week, as you go through this insurance matter at work. And I am also sending intention that something splendid in the way of work will appear in your life. Maybe the new, kind, and attentive vet will need a receptionist/bookkeeper. I have no idea, but I think it is worth a *<twinkle>* because you DO deserve a nice place to work.

It is about time for me to head off to the pillows.

I wish I had time to write more, but I am being disciplined about this rest and sleep stuff, not to end up like Mary, our excellent cautionary example. Besides being an excellent stellar example.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Elk hide and brocade gown? Now that'd be a picture! Have you ever seen one? Hmmm...

I'd love to work for a vet. I applied for a job with one a year ago, but nothing came of it, it was way lower than I could live on, but it just sounded like a dream job...

Arlie has a huge vocabulary, it amazes me how much he understands! Even though I'm not good at sticking to one word commands, he still seems to get it.

[feralfae]

So, Kay, we may be the only ones here who are not techies. I have desk and lap macs. And one desk PC for other stuff. I have no cell phone or anything remotely resembling one.

(Warning, this is a story: I threw mine in the Kootenai maybe 20 years ago (did we have cell phones that long ago?) when I was on a vacation with David and mine kept making noise while we were in the stream fly-fishing, being mindful of a sow and two cubs nearby. The phone was a clunky little box of a thing, and one had to raise the antenna to get any signal, and even then, only in certain places. I remember there were not a lot of towers yet, and they got a phone to work with the tower in, I think, Whitefish or Kalispell.

I looked at the message, and scrolled through more, and realized my children and staff were bullying me, persuading me to take it with me and have it on for "safety". I threw it down and stomped on it with my wader-clad foot. Ground down on it. Picked up the pieces, put them in a zip in my creel, and re-cocked my fly-laden hat. David broke into peals of laughter and applauded. I had forgotten about that. Whew! Tried one again when Doug got sick, we both hated them, and sent them back. I prefer paper letters above all else, Doug was happy with emails.)

I am still smiling wryly at Arlie.

Yes, I was in bed early, slept 9 hours, and may go to bed even earlier tonight. Maybe I need 10 hours for a while.

(Story: Yes, I saw a deer hide and brocade dress at a fashion show years ago. Doug said we would need the right fabric, true. Then Doug found this incredibly beautiful gold brocade with stars, galaxies, and swirls embroidered into it. Woven, I guess, actually. Quite stiff brocade. Its golden hues exactly match the elk hide from one of our (native) friends in Wyoming, who gave us a matched set of 6 tanned elk hides from the Big Horn range for a wedding gift. All the hides are from the same herd, so beautifully matched in grain, color, beauty. They are all native tanned. We were going to make a Ghost Shirt for Doug, and my long gown, both to wear to the ball of outrageous climber types. One of my cousins on Pine Ridge was going to do the beading for us. She is a Cherished Elder Artist in the Nation. She is also an incredibly talented beader, besides fairly well-known artist, and did the Russell Means portrait for his wife. They are both friends of hers. I mention his name at this fire with love and admiration. ) So we had this plan. I would wear some of the jewelry Doug made for me, and he would wear his top hat. If I make the dress any time soon, I will most definitely find a way to put up a photo here. )

Poor Arlie, yes, I am sure he was famished! I hope there are absolutely no bad after-effects from the soup. So good he can already keep the gruel down. There is a book in there somewhere.

Kay, I am dreaming this wonderful new job for you, and I truly have no clue about it, except that I know we have amazing energies to manifest those things we dream. I could tell you (more!) stories ...

The plumber (to fix a toilet) and FedEx will be here tomorrow, when the new chair and headboard are being delivered in my Grand (almost but still under the $1K) Splurge of tax refund to redecorate the guest room, which may be my summer sleeping room. The material for the drapes has arrived, and the lining should be here in a couple of days. The bedding has arrived. Everything I got was On Sale! The headboard and chair were both more than 50% off. I love finding good bargains when I need something. This entire project has been filled with those *<twinkles>* of gifts from the Universe. Actually, I am sure the *<twinkles>* arrive with photons, but I am often not mindful enough to notice.

Aha, time for my nap. I am trying to listen very closely and compassionately to this body of whom I expect so very much.
*<twinkles>*
fae

[enna]

Today there is some peace, Fae. I have spent more time listening to Tara Brach's meditations since it is too windy to be out in the elements for me. I took Benji very early this morning and he ran around and enjoyed meeting other doggy friends - as long as they are his size or smaller! He hides by my leg if there are big dogs. I think he just isn't too sure and it's so hard to have them greet when on a leash.

I was listening to one of Tara's meditations and she talked about 'icecubeness' - I liked the idea of allowing myself to soften or disolve as I relaxed to her words. I think I might be starting to take care of myself.

Please continue to get rest.

One of the things that I have decided to do is gather some material from Jim's wear-a-lot clothing and head over to the arts & crafts building and make a quilt. I am going to use his ties for a geometric wall hanging. I hope it turns out - I am not very creative but there are people here who are and I should be able to do it with help.

There is this urge inside me to want more light to come into my life right now. I am growing tired of the darkness because that just isn't part of my personality. I own the darkness but I so want to choose the light. I don't know if that makes any sense but it sounds good to me. Anne

[MartyT]

It makes perfect sense, dear Anne ~ good for you. And just so you know, the flowers you manage to find on Pinterest have brought all kinds of light into my own days, as here in the Midwest we're still awaiting the arrival of spring ~ and virtual flowers are better than none. ♥

[kayc]

Anne, bravo! And you'd be proud to know I ventured onto Pinterest for a bit today. I'm still not quite getting it but I found another Goberian picture I wanted to pin there.

Yep about the flowers, Marty! I so enjoyed the roses Mary posted. I saw some tiny little buds on my Lilac tree this week so there's hope in sight...last year I didn't get any because of the over-pruning someone did for me the year my arm was broken. It's good to know it'll come back, wasn't sure for a while!

[mfh]

My lilies are coming up. No sign of the hydrangea yet and I have tons of it...hides the AC outside....gets about 6.5 feet high....powerful stuff. no sign of my fern or hosta yet. if it ever stops raining I will clean up the front yard beds...and figure out what to add to the area. No sign of the clematic yet either....but the grass is pretty green...spring green (no pun intended as I live in Spring Green).

I do so love Anne's Pinterst flowers and have accumulated a lot of them...some go into my wish board for my dream yard. Some are beyond that and go in my nature board.

[enna]

Thank you, Marty, for your kind words and I am so glad that virtual flowers are giving you some light. I feel so bad that many of you are still waiting for spring. It seems like everyone I know on the forum is waiting - waiting is difficult when the winter has been so long. I remember those cold, snowy, icy days in Iowa and in Illinois! Now I am blessed to be in the valley of the sun here in AZ.

I will be glad when you don't have to take your truck to work, Kay. Snow and ice are very dangerous to drive in especially on hills! I'm glad you are peaking into Pinterest. Hope to see that picture of the Goberian - Is it a puppy? I am addicted. That web site has been a help to me in my grief journey. When I am on I do not spend too much time thinking about being alone. It is a very good break from grief. It's almost as good as chocolate! NOT!

Mary, I know how beautiful your yard will be - it can't help but be lovely because that is you. I am so looking forward to walk your labyrinth with you when it is completed - if you invite me.

[mfh]

Anne, I understand the distraction that Pinterst provides. I use it for that often.

As for walking my labyrinth...it will not get installed until next year. No energy this year and if I am low on energy next year....it will get postponed again. However, when it is ready...you and everyone else here is invited to walk it. when there is no snow on it....which might end up being 3 weeks a year at the rate we are going :0 Right now I will focus on trees and some flowers and digging up a bunch of hosta that someone put in direct afternoon sun....of course, since we have no sun...that might not be a problem this year

Mary

[mfh]

Elk hide and brocade gown? Now that'd be a picture! Have you ever seen one? Hmmm...

I'd love to work for a vet. I applied for a job with one a year ago, but nothing came of it, it was way lower than I could live on, but it just sounded like a dream job...

Arlie has a huge vocabulary, it amazes me how much he understands! Even though I'm not good at sticking to one word commands, he still seems to get it.

Kay, every once in a while I learn a new word that Bentley knows. Today I was in my home office at my laptop docked to my big monitor and I Christa, cleaning gal, and said before he knew she was there (he was sleeping) and said, "look who is coming" and up he was at the window. I do not think he heard her...no sign of that. I have no clue how big his vocabulary is but bigger than I think. They are wise, these critters of ours.

[feralfae]

We have always had a couple of Border Collies at the ranch, working dogs, and they are just remarkable in what they understand. My uncle used to whisper "rat" and both of them, if under the piano, would jump up and come running, ready to go into attack mode.

And if he would ask, "Where is the cow? or Where is the horse? (by name), they would go herd up that specific animal out of the pastures, and bring it to the fence corner. We were all fascinated. Later, we learned how to do it as well. We could get them to bring one ewe and lamb out of a flock of 200, if that ewe had a name. Some of the prize ones had names. Dogs are just very smart, and if we work with them a little, they can be so amazing. IF I ever get another Westie, I think it will be as smart as can be. Border collies are not good house dogs: they need more things to think about and do, and will herd their masters, birds, anything. But I love them.

Enough, I must go to sleep.

*<twinkles>* (toss, toss) to you all,

Fae

[Cakes01]

Fae

Thank you for sharing some of your beautiful story of your life with Doug. I enjoyed reading about all you did and have in common. I can relate as i'm sure most here can to all you miss about him. I believe in spirits. Marcus didn't care for the word spirits. He perferred the word energy. We were realists, but had conversations about afterlife. He wouls smile and get lost for a second when a monarch? Butterfly would fly near him. He said he knew it was his grandfather looking out for him. I know he believed, but it scared him. The unknown-proof of things....

Thank you again for sharing and know my thoughts are with you. I'm here now and don't plan on leaving this site so anytime you want to talk or just vent i am here and will understand.

Kristen

[feralfae]

Hi Kristen

Thank you for your messages.

I think spirits are energy, after all. Some people call it soul, some people call it other things. I think we all know what we are talking about when we speak of this. Doug was energy and brilliance, combined with fun and slight outrageousness sometimes, especially when we were climbing. But always safe, always the lead climber, always the one who set the pace and the safety rules.

You and Marcus had a wonderful and special bond, and I, for one, believe that you know when you are in touch, even if no one else can see, sense, or smell it. We live in a culture which discounts or questions most subjective experiences, being trained, as we are, to the scientific method. I was certainly trained in it. I was most fortunate to have close friends who received most of the earlier messages from Doug, because I probably would have discounted them as grief compensation, as me going crazy, or hallucinations. But when the phone calls and emails kept arriving, it was difficult to ignore the messages, most especially since they were not coming from me.

Thank you for joining us at our fire. This is the best place to come to heal, make this journey, and to have supportive, loving, compassionate and caring people surround you and lift you up when you get lost in pain along the way. I do not think I could have made it this far in my healing without the wonderful and caring people here.

So, today, I am making a stack of funny films to watch, working on needlepoint, and NOT doing any packing of cartons.

I went to town, and visited our dear friends who ordered our wines for us, and the dears sent me home with a special bottle of French wine for me to take to a dinner party tomorrow. Then I went to visit an artist friend who had matted and framed a print that was a marriage gift to me and Doug, and stayed to talk with him about print making (which we have both studied and done) for a while, and by then, I was ready to come home. Since I must drive across a mountain range tomorrow for my gourmet dinner, I am going to rest most of today. I am taking the advice of everyone here, and also listening to my body, which is tired.

Kristen, I am so very glad you are going to stay here and be with us all. We all tag team on each other, so if one of us is not around, the others will jump in and make sure you are all right. You are going to be all right. It just takes a while. None of us "get over" losing our soul mates, but we learn to find a place to carry the empty spot and the grief, and we find a way to live and design a new life with hope and happiness each day. It just takes a while. I have a big sign up in the kitchen that says, "Waiting IS" because I am impatient and want to be better now. I am a lot better and more at peace than I was last April 20th. I know things will keep working out. Marcus is going to always be with you. Be open to change, and be open to listening. You will be amazed at the depths and discernment of your own Spirit.

You are in a place of deep loneliness, loss, and pain right now. I hope you are keeping a journal as well as sharing here. getting your feelings out on paper, or typing them, helps to keep us aware and alive with ourselves. Let the feelings and thoughts flow through you, and know that you are NOT what you feel, you are still the same precious, wonderful, loving, and delightful being you have always been, and you will survive Marcus changing energy states. We will all survive. It just takes waiting. We can share while we wait, and observe the shifts in our own energy.

I will check back here this evening, after a couple of films and some needlepoint work.

Blessings and Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

I am incredibly blessed to live where I do.

I went in to run errands this morning.

First, to the post office, where of course everyone knew us and have been so kind this past couple of years. Lovely rounds of hello, jokes, and everyone, I think, so happy to see me in a red shirt and my red wool blazer and red scarf. Brightness!

Then on to Doug's wine shop, where there were hugs, a few tears, stories, and being sent home with a bottle of a marvelous Tallet, a French wine which I had not had before. The Raven Glass is here on Dad's old opium table (not bed!), And the two ravens, talking to each other, are standing almost knee-deep in pale golden, dry, and fruity Tallet. A while ago, the biggest raven I have ever seen came to drink from the pond, and turned and looked at me, and nodded. Really. I am not on drugs. Or medications. I have had two sips of Tallet.

Back to town:

Next I went to see our artist friend who was matting and framing two pieces for me, one a quite striking 1964 Lithograph. It is time to get all the art up to snuff prior to crating it. The opium table goes to the restorer next, for one ding where someone dropped something heavy on a leg, and gouged the finish. It can be fixed.

The Ravens are now only ankle-deep in Tallet. This is a very beautiful grape. Ancient Roman, probably brought to France with the Roman Empire, I am told. Quite unique. Three colours of grapes on one vine! More than anyone wants to know about wine, probably. But we enjoyed learning about wines ( I am the champagne specialist, Doug was Reds, "Let no one say that Reds are not the Best!") and there is a wine cellar here that it is still early for me to go in there much. Too much Doug.

Everyone in town has learned from the tradespeople who have been out here these last few months that I am planning to move. Friends want to know when, where, why, etc, etceteras. I am being understandably evasive: if I knew, I would publish it. I still have no idea, but I will have at least one bonfire prior to leaving, and invite town and neighbors. I have no idea why I feel this haste. Very interesting. I am compelled, as Mageline L'Engle would say; said.

Ah, the only packing today was to unload the nine cartons, so there would be room to bring home the newly-framed art. I have rested all afternoon, with a nap, much meditation, and a wonderful, warm and half hour shower and hair scrubbing. Must find an outfit for the dinner party, and remember to put shovel, boots, and snow clothes in the car. I go over the mountains tomorrow. Beautiful, splendid country, Meagher County, Montana. We once parked and watched a herd of elk move across the valley below us. More than 400 beautiful elk, antlers bobbing as they strode across the openings. Magnificent to see. We also sat for a loooong time while the caribou herd crossed the road in the Yukon.

Life, as they say, has been good so far. I am feeling well enough to go out into the world in small doses. I feel loved and cared for by our friends. It has been a great blessing of a day for me. And right now, I am listening to virtuoso guitar playing Christmas carols, because that is what came on after my meditations ended. Nice. I think I am being given back the gift of love of life. I had some very nice and joyful times today.

My cup runneth over, although there is only one sip of Tallent left.

I send all loving wishes for the best of everything to everyone here. It is not snowing yet, and I am going to grab my parka and head out to pray in the Kiva before it is too dark, although the fairy lights are on in the big ponderosa.

BBL

Blessings, and thank you for being in my Tribe, and letting me be in Yours.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae, may you get some sunshine soon! No more snow...it's Spring, country!

Tallent?

[feralfae]

Good Morning Kay!

It is snowing here this morning, but not so bad, maybe a couple of inches. I will check the road reports before I leave.

You are right: the wine is from a grape named terret. I poured my 6 ounces, sealed the bottle, and put it out in the cold garage, and did not read the label correctly. Terret. A Marc Roman Terret. Sorry about that: I had never heard of these grapes before this bottle of dry, fruity white wine. So I have no idea where the word tallet came from. My dyslexia, I guess.

I woke up this morning filled with so much anger toward the criminals. Yes, criminals. Robbery, slander, liable, and theft are all crimes. I have been calling them ruffians, but I recently found out more things have been stolen by them from our home in Fairbanks, when they apparently got in through a window. Such people! And they are not poor, so I can only assume it is viciousness. Maybe they heard I would be back soon and decided they had better make another haul while the coast was clear. They won't have found much, as I move many things to a friend's home before I left. But I want to heal from this anger and sense of victimhood, so I am going to get some professional help. I don't want to walk around with this inside of me: I did not earn it, or cause it, and I want to get it all out of my system. I do not like being in this emotional state.

How is Arlie? Did you have snow out there as well? I think we are going to have year of going from winter right into summer, but I did see two daffodils in bud yesterday, and I hope they survive the snow. I have not seen any of the crocus yet, which are scattered all over the yard. Crocus, daffodils and poppies and blue flax are scattered throughout the forest and lawn. Most of this place is forest. I am looking forward to some blooms this year, and usually enough escape the deer to be a pretty sight. In Fairbanks, we had moose in the yard, and the occasional caribou. I love living in the midst of wildlife.

There are some pretty big flakes falling now. I am being very lazy this morning, still in my gown and robe, and about to go fix a cup of decaf. Then I can come back and catch up on all the lovely messages here.

Much Love to you this cold and snowy day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Good morning, fae

I posted last night (when I was way too tired and lonely) that your schedule yesterday reminded me of myself...so busy and full. The post never made it to the forum as I did something wrong. I have come a long way in simplifying my life and know that I kept busy to help keep some of the pain at bay and to avoid being left out of life here in our village...and end up being too alone. I ended up exhausted and sick from all the running around I did. I hope you continue to pace yourself so that you do not get sick again.

I see that your Alaska home was burglarized and I know that is an awful experience. Our home in the country was burglarized in the late 80s and I felt like I had been raped. They took precious sentimental jewelry, tools that Bill's grandfather had given him, and more. I was sad and angry just as you are. I learned that they most likely fenced everything to buy drugs...the police suspected a small ring of 20 somethings. We did get ONE of Bill's antique clocks back. It had a 200 year old glass globe on it and a skeleton key sitting inside of it. It was all hand wrought metal and it was returned in tact by a policeman who was asked to search a house in a nearby town and found it amidst drug paraphernalia. He asked us NOT to pursue the theft as the police were tracking these kids so after insurance replaced the replaceable and gave us a check for that which we could not replace...we had no choice but to let it go and that was difficult. I remember going into this house with the police to see if anything else in there belonged to us and on the wall was a computer printout of a portrait of one of the kids. I fell apart at that point and all my anger and pain came out. I never felt really safe in our wonderful home on wonderful land again in spite of installing a very expensive security system. I do know that in time you will deal with the anger and the personal assault. It took me time. I wrote letters to the thieves to help identify my anger and get some of it up and out but mostly it was working on it over time that helped. Bringing it up today I no longer feel anger. I still as I now think of it feel sad about Bill's loss of precious tools and my loss of precious jewelry from relatives, Italy and Saudi Arabian 18 k gold...a gift. I wish you peace as you deal with this.

Today I will continue to replace things in my living room and dining room but I know I won't get done. I need help hanging the art so will let that go for now. The painter said he would help me. He is soooo giving. Take care and have a rest filled day.

Peace,

Mary

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, yes, I do so feel so incredibly violated. They are just poor souls with no ethical compass, no sense of loving, and their lives must be miserable. But I am still feeling angry. So many things that were precious were stolen early on, including some of our pottery and silver collections. Fortunately, when Doug had his last surgery, he moved a lot of things then to a private storage vault, but the criminals certainly picked through the remaining things, taking medallions, more precious metals, some antiques, and other things. None of it can be replaced.

I think part of my packing and storing things is to get things out of the house before I leave for two months, so that if they break in here again, there won't be so much to steal. I am packing up all the sterling, and most of my jewelry is already kept in a safe deposit box anyway, especially the really old pieces.

I can only imagine how you and BIll must have felt, but I think I have some idea. To lose precious things that you kept around you because you enjoyed and appreciated them must have been a terrible blow. We loved the things we found in out of the way places: an old ice axe, a flow blue plate to add to the ones that have come down through my family, other bits of my family history.

I just want to get rid of the anger. I can feel it gnawing at my stomach, and I do not like living with anger. I don't want to write to or contact the criminals, so I am going to get some counseling about it, and try to do more energy work. You were very brave to contact them. I fear they would retaliate, because they are truly not nice people.

Doug and I would have loved knowing you and Bill. I love knowing you now! Doug was such a sensitive man, and his family, except for one sister who is also a sensitive and empathic person, never figured him out. He was the baby of 7 spread out over 17 years, and truly not wanted, so he would go off by himself and study animals and birds. He was perfectly happy alone, but I think a lonely child. Later, when he began writing and being noticed in intellectual circles, he was astounded to find that there were all these other people who were asking the same philosophical questions he was asking. He had close friends at Oxford, MIT, Brown, and other places. It was a revelation to him to find other intellectuals and philosophers. His family is pretty much the antithesis of intellectualism. Doug carried on a correspondence with a mutual good friend of ours at Brown for almost ten years before Doug learned of my existence. It was funny, having friends in common, but not knowing about each other. After we met, and people found out, many commented that they thought we already knew each other! Life is very interesting.

I am not going to the dinner party: it has been cancelled, as over across the mountains, they are having a lot more snow than we have had so far here. I could use a day to sit with myself, think through some things, make new lists, organize old lists, and do some needlepoint, which I never did get to yesterday. Dear Kirsten has agreed to help me one day each week with packing things, so that is a huge relief for me: she is sea-green incorruptible, organized, and meticulous. We will get the china, silver, and some of the bronzes carefully packed and out of the house.

Ah, there is an exhibit, for those other needle pointers out there, a retrospective of Kaffe Fasset's life of works, in London:

http://ftmlondon.org/ftm-exhibitions/kaffe-fassett/ I am not going, but will probably get the catalog at least.

It is still snowing.

Okay, I will be hanging around today, so keep my place by the warm fire.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, I did not write to the thieves and mail it. I just wrote and then burned it. It helped. Glad you are going to take it easy today. It sounds like you have a lot of art. Is it art, in some instances, that you made? Yes, I think the four of us would have enjoyed some neat sharing. Bill was a lonely child also. His mother was so abusive holding God over his head. He was a young adult and minister before he got a grip on his life and listened to his own voice and needs. She was quite destructive. I know all the abuse and violence on our planet is fear based and knowing that helps me a bit to be more accepting (at least in theory) of those who violate. I also know it is the human condition but again, that does not make it all easy.

Time for me to get going and get order here. I accomplished little yesterday and have no intentions of completing it today but I will make a large dent. Next weekend the painters will be gone. I hope having finished my kitchen cabinets also...the doors need perking up and this fellow and his wife have done them before. In other words...as nice as they are..I want and need my house back. I have a two day art workshop on Wed and Thurs so will put Bentley in the car and disappear those two days. I also go to Galena on Tuesday so I won't be around much this week as they work. That will help. I do love the way the paint job feels.

Peaceful day

Mary

[feralfae]

Nattering...

Mary, ah, I understand, not mailing, just writing. I do that A Lot! It does help.

I hope you make as much of a dent as you can do without over-tiring yourself.

Yes, there is some of my porcelain work here, some of my prints, and some of my husband David's watercolors, too. He still paints and writes when he is well enough to do so. I don't have my website up yet, sorry, or I could show you some of my work.

I am feeling very insular today, here in my snow-bounded world. I am relieved that there is no dinner party to attend, because I was not looking forward to the hour and a half drive each way on the icy and snowy mountain roads, even with my all wheel drive vehicle. I know that road through the canyons well, and it gets very icy when there has been a snowfall. So I am content to stay home, read more of the Mind of the Maker, be at peace, and meditate, think, and ponder things today. I count this day of having absolutely nothing at all scheduled as a singular gift.

Today, I do miss having a dog here to curl up at my feet, so I can scratch her head and rub her tummy. The Border Collies are good here for about two days before they get antsy and need to find something more to do. But they are down at the ranch, so I will make do with a fuzzy blanket. There are still big flakes falling outside.

I am feeing wrapped around my own heart today, probably because of this recent robbery. I know grief can turn to anger, and maybe that is part of it for them. I am not going to make excuses for criminals. I just want to let it all go and have them out of my life. I will see Doug's one loving and dear sister, who does not speak to the rest of the family, in May or June when I begin to travel. She is a dear and loving person, and would fit in around our fire.

This is all just nattering, and I will probably erase a lot of it later, but it helps to tell the story, as you all know.

I like this quiet day, and I am feeling that it is just what I needed.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I hadn't heard of either name (wine), I don't know much about wine, just that I like some better than others.

No snow here, am hoping it's done, I'm supposed to have sunshine the rest of the week. It may get into the 70s at some point!

I too am still in my robe and slippers, got the animals all situated with their food and water, cleaning cat litter and the dog pen. Arlie is doing great! I think he is finally safe and clear...hopefully Kitty too will be well one of these days.

I've been burglarized too, when George and I were married, someone broke in to our shop and storage areas while we were on a long Sunday stroll, they must have been watching for us to leave. They exited in a hurry as we came back, we must have surprised them because they dropped things in the driveway. What really upset me was that they unbolted something major from my son's truck (underneath) that would have caused an accident, I am just thankful he noticed before he drove it (most people don't work on their vehicles all the time and crawl under them). What COULD have happened really unnerved me! Another real upset was, we had just bought a new welder and George and Paul were working on a father/son project of making a new swing away bumper for Paul's truck while he was home on leave from the service. They stole the welder so that they could not continue their project, ruining a precious time together. That made me very angry! It's not just "things" they steal, it's so much more! And they came back a couple of weeks later to finish what they'd started, meaning the insurance co. treated it as two separate burglaries, which meant two deductibles and it counted against us all the more.

And when George died, I was robbed again...the place he worked at released all of his tools and equipment to a "friend" of his, so when my son made the 180 mile round trip to pick it up, they were gone. Everything! He had probably $2,000 invested and none of it was there. When asked about it, they could care less. And not being at our place, it wasn't covered under our homeowner's insurance, even though I had receipts for all. Not only that, but these same friends stole his ring I bought him for a wedding present along with some of his CDs, etc. It took me months to figure it out because I wasn't clear headed at first, but I finally did. Of course nothing ever came of that either. I'd wanted to give the ring to his son. You see, when someone steals something, it robs you of so much more than things. George had wanted his tools to go to my son, he was deprived of that privilege. People don't know the extent of their theft when they steal from someone.

fae, I agree about these "Ruffians" &%@#!*! I understand your desire to get rid of the toxins they created within you, good luck with the therapy. I hope they didn't make away with something irreplaceable. It's unnerving no matter what it is!

[kayc]

You guys posted some more while I was writing...

I remember other things that "disappeared" from our garage over the years...my dad's old (antique) gas can. Anything that reminds me of my dad is special, and I didn't have much of him, so that hurt. Again, it's not the monetary value, but the sentiment that really hurts. And you're right, it is so violating and leaves you feeling raped. I remember talking it over with our pastor when George and I were burglarized and he was very flip about it, just said I should forgive, said he had something stolen once...I don't think he grasped the magnitude of what it meant to us, having that "father/son" memory ripped from George and Paul. My mother told me I just needed to TRUST GOD!!! I hung up on her. I couldn't take her crap at that moment. I don't know why I reached out to her for a mother response, it was never in her. How stupid I was! What I learned though, is that my pastor and my mom did not have the compassionate response they needed to have. Rather than feeling bereft when people do that, we have to chalk it up to their lack and let it go...and learn to only urn to those whom we know we can count on for apt response. And we learn who that is through our daily dealings with people. There are times we need affirmation, compassion, understanding...just someone whom we know cares. And fae, I hope you know you have that here.

[feralfae]

Thank you Kay,

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I think here is a special warm place for those who prey on widows and orphans. The people at George's place of work are just plain thieves. No other word for it.

Most of what they stole is irreplaceable: Doug's art, the beautiful silver and gold tie tacks he made, his sculptures, his beautiful medallions, and his drawings. Also all of his antique pipe collection, and his humidors. None of his books or notebooks, funny enough. Some of the cast gold and silver jewelry he was working on. All the gold and silver they could find. Some of my art that was up here. Yes, you are right: it is the memories, the connection to lives and loves, the times and relationships that those things represented that I find most hard to bear in losing them. Not the things, but the love, generosity, and ties to others they represented. Not merely the items, but that they are tokens of times and dreams and sharing, of days of our lives.

I could pick up Doug's beautiful pieces of art, and when I touched them, it was having a part of Doug's mind and creativity with me. Most of his art was taken from the house in Fairbanks, but none was stolen that was here, because I locked it all away before I left last year. I still have the gold jewelry he made for me, because I locked it away. I can live without the other things.

When I had the dream that his family were burning down their own houses, I now understand that they are so incredibly destructive that they are destroying their own "home" or places of refuge. And it is not my responsibility to fix or heal them, to chastise or punish them. I just want to be apart from them, and not to need to deal with them ever, ever again.

Oh, dear Kay, dear Mary, dear everyone.... here we are, going on, trying to find our way. As I watch the lazy drifting of these big flakes, I think how our lives have become like these flakes, (although Not Flaky!) as we drift through each day, being carried on the gentle currents of life, not sure where or when we will land, but having within us the deep knowledge that things will work out according to some design we cannot comprehend. That is about the best I can do right now, is to trust the currents.

I feel so very uncertain and lost sometimes, not knowing where I am heading, not having a true plan for my future, but just trusting that things will work out, that Doug is still protecting and guiding me when I need him, and I am trying to face each day with faith and hope. I will be glad when I am once again feeling less bruised by these evil actions of such unfortunate people. I know things will be better very soon again.

*<twinkles>*
fae