Transformations On This Path

[feralfae]

Thank you Dear Anne,

So many people have told me I did all I could and more for Doug. I really wanted him to stay, but he really needed to go. He hung on through so many surgeries, procedures, all the pain, the loss of dignity and privacy, and of his magnificent athlete's body. He was not happy because he could no longer do the things that made his spirit sing. I was not happy because I was losing him, bit by bit, to the disease.

We kept saying goodbye to more of our life and fun, and I am very grateful that our love kept growing as we became more focused on loving each other through each week, then each day, then each hour. We would sit with our heads touching, generating love to each other. We were together with our heads touching when Doug escaped. I am so happy we had that sharing together.

The same part of me that still wants to protect Doug also wants him here to protect and reassure me. Everything is so shifted, out of balance, not fitting properly any more. Then things like today happen, and I just want Doug to be here to hug me and make me laugh at it all.

And I know I must find my own humor that the medical corporations can be a true pain in the posterior! And it was apparent that disobeying them is a significant event for them all! I am now really smiling! It is good to be a boat-rocker.

fae

[kayc]

Hold your own with them, fae! I understand, I don't go in for blood tests every three months as my doctor tells me, stretching it to six months instead...I just see no need. It's always pretty much routine, the same old, same old, and I do my best with what I have, so what's the point? I walk twice a day, eat healthy, spend time on me, do all of the things the doctors and dentists tell me to do. Do you know how much time it takes to exercise, eat healthy, brush your teeth, use the water pic, floss, use the wooden pick, gargle? And that's just the dentist! At this age it's a full time job taking care of ourselves but we also have to keep track of all of our tax deductible items and file them away so that we can find them again. My son would like it if I would keep everything paperless and organized on the computer (probably will never happen) and I figure I do well just to make it to work on time every day! Then there's all of the stuff I SHOULD be doing on the house that I'm not...spraying the roof for moss, painting, etc. And the yard work...picking up limbs, mowing (I used to weed the whole place without chemicals, now I just move over and share the yard with them). Then in the house there is all of the dusting, vacuuming, getting cobwebs down, laundry, dishes, organizing...and I should be digging deeper and throwing some things out. I won't even get to the garage...hopefully I'll die before that has to be done...

Isn't it funny all of the things we're expected to do, and then they tell us we should balance family/work, de-stress, spend time with our pets, oh and we should be taking care of our parents and meeting all of their needs too! For those of us with grown children or grandchildren, that adds another dimension. I think it's amazing if we get 1/4 of all of this done and still have time to flop down at the end of the day and veg out!

[mfh]

fae, I think a lot of what you vented about regarding medicine in the USA is right on. I have a list of war stories behind me. If Mayo clinic had their way in 1975 when I was 35 years old, I would have had bilateral mastectomies to PREVENT breast cancer. Sort of hard to get breast cancer if they remove the breasts. They told me they did 500 a year for this reason. They have since changed but in 1975 that was it. I refused, talked to my MD and blew them off. That was 38 years ago...no breast cancer so far. I no longer get mammographies because if there was cancer, I would not do radiation or chemo so why play the game? At 73 I have yet to spend a night in a hospital. Broken ankle once, D&C during menopause-out patient. That is it. I am glad you stood your ground. I do think, however, that we need to seriously consider their input and do our homework and make sound decisions or at least decisions with our eyes wide open.

I think we should all get a yurt (minimal housekeeping) and go live off the land far away from the corporate world.

[kayc]

Seriously? Mastectomies to PREVENT cancer?! I've never heard of such a thing! And the Mayo Clinic at that! Wow.

[mfh]

Yep, seriously...I remember asking this group of male doctors (I won't say how I felt that day) about diet, nutrition, vitamins, etc. as I was a vegetarian at the time and into diet and nutrition...I still hear the lead guy say, "No nutrition is going to help this." I got my clothes on and walked out never even checking out...headed to the airport. When our local doc suggested taking Bill to Mayo, you can only imagine how leery I was but his buddy was the head of alternative care so we went ahead and it was good. Neat MD Internist from India was one of our docs and he showed Bill how to do mindfulness as opposed to the more formal meditation we had been doing and which he could no longer do.

[kayc]

I have heard great things about the Mayo Clinic, they're supposed to be tops, that's why I was surprised...but that was quite a while ago, maybe who knows what back then!

[mfh]

Yes, almost 40 years ago. Can't judge them. It was done everywhere back then for women's with breast cysts that made the mammos hard to read. Amazing...eh? Mayo was great for Bill...

[feralfae]

Oh Mary!

Yurts are very nice. But I have seen some incredibly messy ones.

A lot of people in Montana live in log homes they have built, get their power from solar, a head of water, or wind, and live entirely off the grid, going into town maybe twice a month for wifi, mail, food stuffs, tools, that sort of thing. Their home-schooled children routinely get the juiciest academic scholarships and start college at 16 or younger, doing quite well with no adjustment problems. Many have elaborate thermal sink greenhouses with wood backup heat. The children have remarkable skills. Most of these families, and I know quite a few, have one or more advanced degreed parents, often share special teachers with other homeschool families, and seem to thrive. That might be a little too much isolation for me, although they do have a lot of social functions as well. But they live simple, even spartan lives, and they are thriving.

Our goal here and in Alaska for Doug and me was always to simplify, and yet, I still seem to have so many books, art supplies, family treasures, and art to pack. And there is a lot of stuff up in Fairbanks as well. I am going to have a time sorting through it all.

The medical profession in this nation has some significant learning curves ahead. But some are learning, and sharing the knowledge, so I think things will be getting better soon. I am so glad you walked out. Good for you. I am glad that Bill had a good experience there -- that both of you had a good experience when Bill was there.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

No yurt for me after all this house painting. Bit by bit I am seeing order here...the bathroom is 50%. The living room is fairly orderly but empty as I can't move art in yet or other items until the valances are up.

I do think in time medical services will improve but I doubt very quickly. Many professionals are wanting them to change and seeing how they want that...how human we all are.

Yes, i have more stuff than I need or want. Slowly I am getting boxes unpacked and starting piles for Good Will, Hospice resale shop for Bill's clothes some day...not sure about his tools but not ready to deal with his stuff. I will deal with the rest first.

[feralfae]

I think once you have everything arranged, you will be settled in there and begin to put down more roots than flowers and trees. I am so happy the geese are gone -- I remember those in one auntie's guest bath, where there was green and white tiles, and geese! Today, it is probably retro and the college kids love it. I am so glad you don't need to look at them anymore.

We were pondering putting up valences in the big, vaulted living room on the two lower walls, and having lights installed behind them, then hang drapes from them as well. But then we decided to move. I don't feel inspired to put any up now, but I do love how they make a room look finished. And can hide indirect lighting, too.

I was fasting today, just for me, and went ahead and did so much, including this morning's emotional energy, so I decided to eat. I have been drinking herbal tea all day, but I can tell when I should have a few bites. I baked some gluten-free cornbread to have with some sesame oil. Lots of protein from eggs, ground beans, etc. Yum. And it is a ripping blizzard out the windows, so I think I needed some winter day comfort food.

And it is time to take it out of the oven. I go to indulge.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

The living room came with vertical blinds and though I am not at all nuts about them, they give me flexibility on light coming in and privacy. Actually in all the houses we have lived in, we have never had drapes...except the Galena house...Victorian. In the woods, who needs drapes...though we had honeycombs on west facing windows. Blinds in one house. I am not nuts about drapes..not sure why. The people who installed these verticals tossed out the top of them so it was cheaper to have valances built than new blinds and the valances will look better...i hope.

I remember one guest couple we had when we lived in the woods. We helped them get settled in a lovely room with a fireplace and private bath. He asked about shades as the entire room was practically windows but we were at the end of a dead end road plus a half mile driveway...and only 2 other houses far away. I asked him why he needed blinds. He said, well what if someone is out there.... (in the woods at midnight? on private property?) He was from the city.

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, I love the city folks story!

We have no blinds or drapes up at the ranch houses, since it is back in a canyon, dead end private road and all. We had this very lovely couple out from London, and they could not stay with us because they must have drapes. My uncle rigged up some sheets, but by then, I think they were weary of the altitude and life, and took of after about a six hour visit, and found a hotel in town.

I have drapes here in our bedroom, to soften the noise of the room, and also, they are pretty.

Now I will have drapes in the guest room, the new, happy drapes.

Vertical blinds are so handy. A great way to control the sun. We have honeycomb here, for the thermal value.

I think the valances will be lovely.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I could build Benji a yurt in the back yard. I can taste the cornbread right now, fae. Cornbread and chilli - yummmm.

Mary, you know that I will be so happy when you have your dwelling back in order. I am thinking about the busy summer you will have. Please remember to slow the pace a bit!! I so wish we were not all so scattered in different places.

My thoughts go to Jan now and I just wish we could be in the UK to support her during this coming week. You know we are with you Jan. We are connected on this forum.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Exactly what Anne said. And we are here.

Go gently with your heart, dear one.

fae

[feralfae]

Benji might enjoy a yurt. Sort of an igloo dog house, without the entry. Mushers in AK have some serious igloo dog houses for their dogs. I will suggest yurts, and let them know it was your idea. Someone will do it, no doubt.

My cornbread was wonderful. there is enough left for at least five more days of cornbread. It was also dairy free: I used hemp milk. Next, I am going to make my torte au chocolat Callebaut with coconut oil instead of butter. I cannot have butter right now, nor any dairy. I am feeling very healthy, though. But I miss cheese.

Anne, enjoy the hummingbirds and flowers. My two daffodils are still proudly saluting the sun, and the temperatures keep dropping. I think we have more snow tomorrow.

Time for this gourmet experimental baker to prepare for rest.

My love to everyone, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you all. The sadness seems to be deepening (didnt know it could). I woke to a beautiful morning. The eastern sun streams into our cottage and Pete loved these mornings. I find I can just about bear those many many many times when I think "Pete loved this" by trying to turn the thought into "how happy I am that Pete had so many happy moments like that". It seems to help a little bit. Of course I am coming slowly to an understanding that nothing lasts. How I managed to live until the age of 70 in such a happy state of not knowing that is beyond me. I knew it intellectually but I didn't KNOW it. Now I do and the knowledge is killing me. But like all of us I have to bear it and I am doing, and will.

[mfh]

Hi Jan, I think it is afternoon now in England and you have been on my mind all week. I got your email bringing me up to speed. Thank you. Yes, we were all blessed to have wonderful spouses/partners in our lives. So many never had what you and I and others had the joy of a deep and loving relationship with another human being. And, of course, it is that very deep love that makes our losses so painful and difficult. Just to let you know I am thinking about you as move honor the day Pete crossed that threshold to a world we can not imagine but one I am counting on...as are you. I know it will be a bittersweet time and I am glad you decided to picnic in the field in his honor. The kids can play as you and Raine recount memories and share. I carry you in my heart, Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I hope your day is going well. I know if there were any way to turn back the clock, we would all want to go back to the days when our beloved was with us. Doug and I had a plan for leaving together when we were 100 or so, but then, we never planned for cancer, and I know that most of us never plan for marriage to end with such a loss. My grandmother used to say after my grandfather left that if she had a choice, he would still be with her. It not that, then she would be with him. But, she said, since he was there and she was here, she would make it through the days. It was a long time before she felt ready to enjoy life again, but she did.

Your days are still "making it through" days, and when it is time, you will begin to feel more happiness. I don't think we get to choose the times when the grief shifts and we can experience more joy. I try to push things a lot, but the journey has a path of its own, andI find myself on it, even if I try to be somewhere else. And it is not just patience, but a level of acceptance that I do not have yet, that leaves me still wishing Doug were here to share things with me.

I hold you in my heart as you walk through these days of remembering, celebrating your wonderful love, and sharing the times of love and laughter with your family and friends.

Blessings, and many {{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

It is May. I hold you in my heart as you remember these days before Pete passed. Rainie and the grands will be there tomorrow. Enjoy the time with them. Remember what we have been talking about for months now, Jan. We are not alone in this journey. We have many walking with us. You will KNOW things when you are ready. There is no time limit on love. Walking with you these days before the 5th. Love,

Anne

[mfh]

Jan, look around you...picture Anne, fae, Kay, Mary (queen), Marty, myself, Harry, Shannon, NATS, Kristen and all the rest surrounding you...we all know this pain....and when you picnic in the field...we will be there also and, most important...Pete will be there and is now. I write to Bill on special days. It helps me. Just a thought.

More later. Mary

[kayc]

Truly, Jan, we are all here for you, just a key stroke away. It will get easier with time. Although just last night I bawled...I was thinking about that last weekend, how I hadn't any idea George was so ill and here I'd gone away with my sisters. It's funny how it can hit you out of the blue, even after all this time. If I could just lay my head on his chest one last time...but I'm counting on it, if I didn't believe we'd be reunited, well, I just don't know how I could survive this. A couple years back we had someone who didn't believe in life after death, not in any form, thought they died and that was it...grief would be so much harder to do like that, without that hope. I think most believe in life continuation in some form or another, whether it's just energy in a different form or what. I know I believe George continues inside of me but gosh don't I wish for his physical form again!

I have vertical blinds in the front of my house (that faces the street) but in the back (that faces the forest) I choose not to have anything in the way of my viewing the hummingbirds and deer and elk that come to feed.

There's been a couple of yurts on my street, they seem okay, I don't think the owners had any problems with them. One has a wood stove in it. That's not what you're painting, is it fae?

Your city folk story reminded me of one I have...when my daughter was about 12, her third cousin came to visit her for a week, she was from Portland, OR and quite citified. They were in Melissa's bedroom one eve. when Melissa suggested they go for a walk, I think it was about 5:00 pm. Sara looked at her watch, and said, "Oh we can't go now, it's rush hour!" Rush hour, ha ha, we live in the country on a quiet dead in street amongst deer and elk! We had a good laugh over that one! By the same token, when Melissa stayed at Sara's, I about had a conniption fit when I learned my cousin had dropped the girls off at the mall (unattended)! My little girl was a country girl, not citified, she wasn't street savvy and used to the big bad wolves in the city!

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you all my lovely friends. I know you are with me as I walk sadly through this. It is as it is. And yes Kay. I used to be a non believer but now? I do think he is with me, though how, well I don't know. But he is.

[kayc]

Jan, I don't think any of us understand the "how", hence the faith part. I HAVE to believe, otherwise...this is just too hard. Like I've said before, if I'm wrong, leave me in ignorant bliss!

[mfh]

I have a friend in CO who lived year round at about 9500 feet in a yurt. She had to cross country ski in during the winter months as the snow was so deep. Not for me. She had a wood burning stove in it also. Earthy but a bit too primitive for me. I like my painted walls and AC.

Your city folk story about rush hour is cute. I talked to Anne this morning...something told me to call her and wish her well at the doc's...we talked a few minutes (I am not much of a phone person) and she told me of all the traffic signals between her home and the hospital. I told her she could get all the way to Madison (42 miles) and only have 1 traffic signal and we only have one at the edge of town. In town...zip. I like it that way. No rush hour here.

[enna]

I think there is a song titled 'Someone is Watching Me' and that is how I am feeling right now. My lab numbers were a little better (not worse) - that's the good news - I have to return on the 10th and again on the 22nd! I'm trying very hard to get them to tell me that they don't want to see me for a month - I guess that's a goal I can work toward. Patience needs to be on the list also. I so want to get the go ahead to travel this summer. Anyone who has lived in The Valley in AZ knows that one must leave the state for some time during the summer heat.

Thank you for your call this morning Mary. And thank you for NOT telling everyone that I have a heavy foot when it comes to driving and that I forgot what the yellow light in the middle of the stop light means! Today I made it almost non-stop chasing all green lights. As I traveled next to Luke Air Force Base I was dreaming that I stayed up with the F16s that were flying overhead. I even imagined Jim smiling and telling me, "you'll never change!" I'm over 70 and I have never had a ticket.

Thank you for all your good wishes and I know prayers and fairy dust and any other wish that has been sent my way. I send Benji to each of you as he loves to give kisses.

It is already after 10:00 PM in the UK, Jan. My thoughts are with you. I can almost see you with the grandkids picnicing in the field. Anne