I Need Your Help

[mfh]

For you, Chris!!!

[kayc]

Chris, You ARE making progress...it's just when we're in the thick of it that we can't see it because we move three steps forward, two steps backward. When we're moving backwards we think we aren't making progress, but it's all a part of it, and overall...we ARE moving forwards. The forwards and backwards is ALL part of the journey.

The cookbook is a GREAT idea! And I hope you have a good time in spite of Paula's not being able to share in the food...who knows but what she'll be present anyway. It gives me great comfort to think that maybe, just maybe, George will be tagging along with me tonight...

[boogieman]

Thanks to all again. Fae, I try now to only cry alone as this new reality is still hard on Greg, Bobbie, and Chrissie too. No use in needlessly upsetting them too. I know they understand. It's just easier for all for me to be private. I think they see this as me finally having some simbalance of control. HA!

Thank you for the "Thumbs Up", Mary. I appreciate it.

Kay, progress is so relative. But forward at any pace is better than no progress at all.

Bobbie even commented again how she wanted to come over some time to get My Paulas recipies. So the cook-book is right on the mark IF I can keep her from them for 5 more months!

I ALLOWED myself to have a good day. And it was. Apparently My Paula was here or it might not have been as good as it was. Greg did some maintenance things and let me "supervise". Bobbie stepped up admirably to fill the role of MOMZ. We worked, laughed, talked, visited, spoke warmly of My Paula, and cooked burgers out on the grill. I am so very proud of them. They, by their presence, honored and pleased My Paula and me.

I made it through the day only becoming emotional a few times. But I held it together in spite of those so familiar sad feelings. They left about 7:30 to go see fireworks close to their house. I stayed home to collapse in exhaustion. This dealing with grief and trying to function normally too, is HARD WORK. I think I pulled it off.

Now tearing up as I fully realize My Paula wasn't here physically to enjoy the shared good time. Maybe because I'm so tired. I just miss her so! Now physically tired and emotionally drained I head for a shower and then to bed. To cry myself to sleep. "G-Night Dear, I Love You"

Chris

[MartyT]

Chris, my dear, I just happened upon an article that could have been written just for you:

Put Your Grief Away For A While by Lou LaGrand (a prominent author and highly regarded expert in grief)

[mfh]

Great piece, Marty. So well put, practical and accurate in my humble opinion. I remember reading a research article a long time ago that stated that every cell in our body changes it chemical makeup i.e. is affected by sadness, joy, depression, anxiety, grief etc. It is a gigantic thought when one thinks of how complex our body/mind/spirits are and how many cells there are but I do believe it is true because we are ONE...there really is no separation between our bodies, minds, spirits.

Chris, this is perfect for you. I hope you read it and act on it. I know it is a perfect reminder for me and all of us here.

Mary

[kayc]

Chris, it sounds like you have great kids and support. I do understand your tearing up, wishing Paula could be there to enjoy the holidays with you.

[boogieman]

Yes Kay, they are wonderful children. We did an admirable job in raising them. Very proud of them. Greg was here again earlier today to do the yard for me. Had a nice visit, too.

It is very hot here so I had a light late lunch then dozed off in my chair.

The doorbell rang at 2:30 PM. Hoping it was My Paula I jumped up and ran to the door. No one there so I checked up and down the street. NADA!

It was My Paula again. I know it was. I felt her presence. What a special, wonderful, surprise she is. I know this pleases her because it pleases me. "Thank you, Dear. I Love You Too!"

Now slightly rested and so very pleased I can face the rest of my day.

Chris

[boogieman]

Despite the seemingly forward progress the last few weeks, unfolding events since my last post have pointed me in a particular direction. It is very personal and I won't go into it here.

I must leave here and the friends I have made. I must spend the next few days getting my legal affairs in order so that I can get away from here. I simply can not bear the crushing pressure, uncertainty, and loneliness any longer. I have no idea where I will go, but I can't stay here any longer.

My Paula understands and I ask you to try to do the same.

Chris

[mfh]

Well, Chris...I do hope that you find what you are seeking and that someday, perhaps, you will check back in and let us know that you are ok. It sounds complicated and, of course, none of anyone's business but your own. I do need to say that you may want to do some more thinking and maybe consulting with a counselor. Making quick and huge decisions right after a loss without giving yourself time...can be a mistake made in haste. I am not judging you, just cautioning you. I do wish you the very very best. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

I've heard it said time and again, not to make big decisions in the first year and I'd add to it two. Still, as Mary says, it's your business, but I would seek a wise person's counsel before making a decision for sure. Have you talked with your kids about your decision?

I do hope you'll check back with us now and then and let us know how you are.

Wishing you only the best,

Kay

[MartyT]

I agree with all that's been said, Chris, and I'd only add this: If you must make such a major decision now, try to do it in such a way that there is room left for you to change your mind if you decide to do so. In other words, leave yourself an "out" ~ try to make a temporary rather than a permanent decision, just in case it doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped.

The trouble with grief is that you cannot outrun it ~ it goes with you wherever you go. And if you don't deal with it now, it will just lie there waiting patiently, until you pay it the attention it demands. Grief that is not addressed can come out every which way but straight, and not always when and where you want it to.

We all wish you the very best, whatever you decide to do, Chris. But if you do decide to return to us at any time, certainly we will be here for you. ♥

[enna]

Dear Chris,

I certainity respect your decision to 'leave here and the friends I have made" yet I also am going to caution you about making any major decision this early in your grief. It is your business and I truly wish you only good luck. You know that we will be here ready to pick up the support all of us need during these trying times.

I know that 'crushing pressure' you must be under. We have all been there in one way or another.

It does concern me when you say that you have 'no idea where I will go or that I can't stay here any longer.' And I will also ask, have you talked Gregg, Bobbie and Chrissie about this decision? Will they know where you are after you reach your destination. You know that they will be very worried if you just up and go somewhere. Please keep in touch with them.

You are in my prayers. I truly hope you make it back here to this caring group of people. Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

Even if you need to pull away from everything for a while, know that there will always be a seat for you at this fire, and understanding love from this entire Tribe. You are one of us when you choose to be, and free to come and go as your heart calls you to do.

Our love and prayers go with you.

Follow your heart.

Blessings.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

I'm so confused lately. Needing to get these legal issues settled before I take whatever action I take is proving a daunting task. Not only do I not WANT to accomplish this, there have been several huge stumbling blocks arise to preclude, delay, or prevent me from doing them. All I know is that the stress from all this is tremendous. I haven't felt well for days now. No idea what to do. Needless to say I haven't been able to make ANY decision yet.

Such is the story of my life since My Paula passed.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I am so sorry things are not going as smoothly with the legal issues as you would like. It is sort of how things go in the grieving process...a roller coaster at best. I am glad to see you here and do hope you will allow yourself to go with the flow of this process...it all takes time be it healing, legal issues, or whatever. We are low on energy, low on the ability to focus and concentrate, low on motivation, and low on...well...everything. Try to pace yourself and surrender to the process. It will all get done in time and in the meantime we are here for you. Take care of YOU. I am glad you are postponing decisions...those biggies just can not be made when we are in a state of utter confusion and grief. Peace to your heart, Chris.

Mary

[enna]

I am so sorry that you have not been feeling well, Chris. It is understandable. I hope that you have good counsel with the financial matters you are dealing with and that perhaps your kids can help you in some way. If you can, it is best to put off these things for awhile unless it is something that absolutely has to be attended to.

Any decision made this early, I think, is going to be clouded by the pain your are going through since your Paula's passing.

I hope you are seeing a grief counselor. The insights they have are comforting and really do help you through this time.

Please remember, Chris, that there is no time limit on this grief that has been thrown at us. Looking back, I don't remember what happened the first months of my Jim's death. I do know that when I asked for help from HOV to send me a grief counselor I started to understand what was happening to me. It is so important that you focus on youself and keep your strength up. Anne

[JoyceV]

Good Morning Chris,

As I read your initial post, I wept; when you consider the depth of your loss, there really are no words. The relationship you had/have with your beloved Paula is often referred to as an 'abler soul.' It is that realm of love that is born when two souls truly touch and become one, one in love, one in commitment, one in all the trials and joys of living a life together. I understand your anguish is great and I am humbled as I read of your life with Paula, her courageous struggle, and your commitment as her caregiver. This is a safe place for you to rest a while and let others support you as you journey through the ups and down of the grieving process. Don't hesitate to reach out for comfort and suggestions on how to cope with the rollar coaster ride you are on. Joyce

[kayc]

I know, I don't usually look over hard for reasons for things, but sometimes there is...maybe the time this is taking is one...it is good to go with the flow sometimes and let things take their course. We will continue to be here as you go through your ups and downs. I know this is tough, Chris, I wish there were some other way, but I don't know any way but straight through it, one foot in front of another, one day at a time. It will evolve little by little into something more manageable.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[JoyceV]

Chris,

As I read your initial post, sharing Paula's courageous journey, and yours, I wept; there simply are no words to describe the anguish. The term abler soul came to mind. Abler soul was coined by Ladislaus Boros in his essay Love. It describes the love that is born when two become one; they really become one being, which is why people often describe their grief metaphorically as a gaping wound, or losing a limb; in essence, they have. Chris, I am so glad you found our discussion forum. You already know it is a safe place, a caccoon, where you may share your your grief journey. I encourage you to contiue to reach out for support, for comfort, and for suggestions on how to navigate this rollar coaster journey called grief. Joyce

[mfh]

Chris,

As I read your initial post, sharing Paula's courageous journey, and yours, I wept; there simply are no words to describe the anguish. The term abler soul came to mind. Abler soul was coined by Ladislaus Boros in his essay Love. It describes the love that is born when two become one; they really become one being, which is why people often describe their grief metaphorically as a gaping wound, or losing a limb; in essence, they have. Chris, I am so glad you found our discussion forum. You already know it is a safe place, a cocoon, where you may share your your grief journey. I encourage you to contiue to reach out for support, for comfort, and for suggestions on how to navigate this rollar coaster journey called grief. Joyce

Joyce, Welcome to our circle..first of all. I do appreciate your description of Chris and Paula's relationship. I think many of us here feel/know this is what we have/had with our beloveds. I know I did. I Googled the term and found quite a bit and I thank you for that post as it has led me to some comforting and interesting information that resonates within me. And yes, so many of us here, including myself, feel shredded, torn, with part of ourselves-our bodies, our hearts-missing...for that is the reality. I appreciate knowing this term...it goes beyond soul mate which is overused and which falls far short of describing what Bill and I had and still have. Found this quote by Boros: "From now on you will never be alone; even when we are separated, and even when death itself parts us, I shall remain with you." and this I do believe. I just ordered two of Boros' books...he was a Jesuit, I learned, who left to marry...it all fits...and he came on the heels of de Chardin which also fits. Good stuff.

Thanks much, Mary

[kayc]

I just read Marty's message (I'm slow), now I feel stupid! Welcoming those who are sent here to look after US! Haha... Oh well...

[feralfae]

Oh, Kay, you are such a dear, I am laughing, because of course, you would open your heart and welcome JoyceV without even realizing who she was!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Well at least I'm good for a laugh!

[feralfae]

Chris,

I hope you are seeing a grief counselor. I don't think any of us functioned very well the first several months, and I am truly fortunate that I had some friends around who helped me to handle a lot of the legal stuff, paperwork, etc. Friends I could trust.

One advice: if you can put it off, whatever it is, put it off for three or six months, at least. Put it off for a year if you can. If you need to, see your grief counselor twice a week for a while, and I hope you are in some support groups, and that you stay here with us as well.

Blessings and I hope you have some moments of peace today.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

{{{Kay}}}