Talking Heals

[Wifflesnook]

I find, that although I fill my days as much as I can, my best time is in the morning (after I've processed the awful truth of Pete's continuing absence), when I lie in bed with my cafetiere of coffee (which he always brought to me and shared every morning), and read HOV forum on my iPad. And my evenings when I go to bed with a hot chocolate, pick up my beloved iPad, catch up with a bit of TV or radio, read emails, and relax. These are the best times for me. In my bed is Pete's Cape Cod sweat short and his wooly jumper. They don't smell of him any more but they are comfort blankets. We do what we can to help ourselves don't we?

[feralfae]

Oh, Jan, your mention of comfort blankets stirred me. A couple of months back, I was going to give mine and Doug's old blanket to one of his sisters, because the family had been fighting over it, and I did not want to be in another fight, so I was just going to give it away.

Kay told me to keep it until I was ready to let it go. Thank you very much Kay, you were so right. It is such a comfort, and it is on our bed against the coolness of the nights. It is a very old Hudsons' Bay blanket, which is why the family was fighting over it. Not because it was ours, but because it was worth something. I just love that it still smells of our bedroom in Alaska, and that I get to sleep under it now. It is a little bit of Doug here with me. So nice.

Yes, we do what we can to comfort ourselves.

Jan, I hope you are taking some days just for you. Even if only a stay-cation. I wish you could get away on a retreat. At least we have this place where we can hold each other in loving compassion and help each other to make this journey.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[lilacsandladybugs]

Fae,

It's so nice that you have that blanket. Enjoy the smell for as long as it lasts. And Jan, even though the smell has gone, the essence of who it is lives on forever. Sometimes ladies, the smell becomes a sense in your own mind........... of them and the places you shared. Those will live on and the tactile touch of those fabrics become ours with them.

When I first began to spend quiet times alone with Kathy she told me there was something I had to know about her. She always had to have a "fuzzy" to rub along her cheek. She would do that when we would watch TV. It would be a little bit of wool rolled up that she would pluck from a comforter or a throw rug on the sofa. I remeber making one when she was in the hospice home just before she left. I rubbed her cheek for her during that last day when she no longer was awake.

I still find those fuzzies sometimes tucked between the cushions. Now I have the comforter or a blanket or any number of things that once lay on her. The smell may be gone but the warm fuzzy feeling goes on.

Those things are like comfort food for us. We need to have them don't we?

Stephen

[kayc]

fae,

I am so glad you kept his blanket! You need it more than they do and it's what he would have wanted. So decreed!

[kayc]

Stephen,

That is so sweet! I've seen babies/children that did that, sometimes even touching their eye with the corner of the blanket. I guess she never outgrew that comfort.

[mfh]

fae, I am so glad you have that blanket and can wrap Doug around you on any night...cold or not cold. I sometimes put on Bill's robe or jacket...and it just feels like being hugged by him. Mary

[enna]

I was going to post this a few days ago but other things got in my way. I am slowly learning not to apologize for focusing on myself during my grieving.

I am recognizing that part of my grief journey is now about my health and that has been hard for me to admit. I find it uncomfortable to focus on myself but I am learning - I am learning. Don't get me wrong - I love myself and I think it is very important to selfcare - it is just hard.

Last week I saw my pulmonary doctor. All tests were in and dx is pulmonary hypertension and chronic pulmonary fibrosis caused by my heart failure. It sounds scary but it only means that I have to work harder on getting that blood to push out of the heart to the other organs of the body. I will continue on a channel blocker, Amlodipine. I am taking it already and he wants to start me on a pill form of a steroid that is as effective as an inhaler for easier breathing. The good news is that I don’t have to see him for four weeks. There is always an oxygen pack! The medicine I’m taking is up to eleven pills!!! I really worry about what poisons are going into my body!!

I need some time to digest all of this and see in which direction I’ll be going. I am not a happy camper and decisions are not easy. I think it may be time for me to get some advice from the Palliative Care Team at HOV!! I’m not going to get too much support from my doctors because they pooh pooh even the talk about it.

Some good news – the nodules on my L/lung have not changed so I can check those off my worry chart!!

I used to believe that if you took care of your body by eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep that all this would be good for you when you get older. I do not believe this anymore. I think that no matter how you take care of your body some things are just going to happen. Therefore, I am going to continue to eat chocolates, drink fine wines, prepare desserts to die for, and have my occasional stack of deep fried onion rings – in my dreams of course. Right now, my heart and mind are on Benji who is resting at the vet hospital and I am waiting on their call. I think the delay is communicating with Benji's vet.

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Anne,

Yes, of course it is hard to focus on ourselves. We have been focused on "us" and then Him for so long, I think a lot of who I am, or you are, got lost. I am still figuring out me from Us.

I will write more about your note later, but wanted to let you know I am hearing you.

I am going to go make decaf, unpack the car from the post office, hardware store and other errands, and then see if I can sit still long enough to pick up a pen and write in my journal, hoping that will help with this feeling of being an emotional shuttlecock this week. Of course, we are all under the energy of the 9/11 approach, with its load of feelings and media reminders.

Peace to your heart and mine, and more later.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Oh Anne, if I falter in these upcoming months with all of the impending changes, it will be you I look at, for you have fought so hard for your life and Benji's and I figure if you can keep on keeping on, so can I. I am glad for the good news in your report and am still waiting to hear Benji's...

[enna]

Extra, Extra, it pays to be informed. There is a definite difference between Hospice and Palliative Care. My interest was in the term Palliative Care and even though I have heard the term before I wondered what it meant related to my chronic heart failure. So here’s the scoop. I am NOT ready for Palliative Care. I am NOT in the late stages of a chronic illness. I am able to manage my own health care. I can go to doctors unassisted. I have reasonable intelligence to understand what they tell me (well, depending on how clear they are). I have NOT gone into other organ failures that are not being managed. My kidneys are still working so I do NOT need dialysis yet – if ever! My lungs are better than many chronically ill people. Mine are working at 60% to 65% and that means I am NOT in need of carrying an oxygen pack. My heart failure can be managed with repeated doctor follow-ups and strict rules on what I can do and need to do.

So, I still have all my fingers and toes. I can hear and sing (well, relatively good), and I walk unassisted. I think it is time to focus on all the things I CAN do now and start working on some habits (some bad) I have like over-indulgence in fatty foods or chocolate over-dose or too much caffeine. I am NOT perfect and I do cheat when it comes to good food.

Perhaps getting back to swimming (which I have the go-a-head to do now), walking more (Benji will love this), pampering MYSELF more (because I’m worth it), and finally taking the long awaited trip into IL to see my beautiful grandchildren. I have the go-a-head to do this if I promise to wear those awful looking support hose when flying (I wonder if the airport will make me take them off to go through the security line!!!)!

I’m almost finished. Here’s the best part. October Fest sounds real good to me. Let’s see if you agree: Brie en crout to start off (that’s brie cheese wrapped in a very thin layer of pastry dough and BAKED served with lingonberries and a fruit garnish), carrot ginger soup (don’t wrinkle your nose until you have tasted mine), Wiener Schnitzel (tender veal loin breaded and sautéed to a golden brown served with a lemon wedge on the side), seared cabbage & onions with caraway, celery seed, mustard, and a little stock, and the last could go first – apple strudel with vanilla bean ice cream. Now, all those of you on diets - sorry! NO, I am not of German heritage. I am Scotch, English and Irish (90%) but I love ethnic foods and I like trying my skill at cooking them. By the way – I make a fudge to brag about for gifts during the holidays and my turtles (melted caramels with pecans) are to die for…twice as large as you have seen…does this sound like I’m bragging!

I thought of putting this on the Positive thread but I think it belongs on Talking Heals. Rules say we are not supposed to post the same thing in two places. Anne

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Anne, your post just makes me feel good all over

And you're making me hungry! Are you sure you can't find a way to beam all of us over for dinner at your place?! ♥

[mfh]

Anne, I know you are just so excited about this report and about seeing your grandchildren...soon. I am so called you followed up and called and now know where you are at. That food list seems a bit high in sodium, however...I think you might consider cutting the lemon wedge...that should do it. I am very happy for you...it is about time something came along that frees you and allows you to visit your daughter. Super! Mary

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne, I am so happy really HAPPY to hear not only the news, but your tone of delivery, and the very smile in your words. Yes!

I am on lunch break, sort of , and must get back to the desk. More this evening. Wonderful!

(thank you for the fairy dust!)

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne, that is the best thing I've heard today, you brightened my otherwise gloomy day! And I made a fudge to die for once, to give away for Christmas presents, only I ate most of it and was disheartened to learn that 10 lbs Fudge doesn't equal just 10 lbs on us! Grrr!

[KarenK]

Well, here I sit, sort of in a "funk" and having my own "pity party". Funny how it doesn't take much to get me in this frame of mind. I am much like Chris in the respect that I am alone the majority of the time. I did have a nice conversatoin with Linda(Cosell) on Friday, I believe.

Then came Saturday, & I decided to go to the bead store as a "sale" was on, not because I needed to add to my thousands of beads, but just to try & find "normal" again. Nothing is the same. Ron was not sitting in the chair by the front door dozing as he did so often, waiting for me to finish shopping. Nor was he waiting for me on a bench in the mall, "people watching" as he liked to call it when I stopped at Penney's to pick up a t-shirt for my son's birthday coming up. There is no fun & laughter in it anymore.

My daughter & hubby are in Florida or maybe on their way home right now. His mother was getting married this weekend for the 4th or 5th time. I can't keep it straight. For whatever reason, she decided to have a big, all-out wedding. So, as sick as my daughter is, they made the trip driving. In tears, over the phone, she said "I just want to see the ocean one more time while I can." I've not spoken to her for several days, so hope all is well.

Yesterday was Grandparents Day. I have 3 grandchildren. Not one of them bothered to call. This is not unusual. They never have before, but silly me, I thought perhaps being in my "new" situation, someone would think of me, bit it didn't happen. Their world has not changed or stopped. Oh, well.

Phoenix is actually "socked in" under clouds & rain right now. Pretty unusual for us , but a nice change from the constant heat.

Well, I was just using a bit of Fae's "nattering" to let you all know that I am still here. As I reflect on the death of my father in 1977, I understand my Mother's decision to make a trip to Europe soon after. She had the means to do it, & just wanted to not have to face this each day, I guess. I wish I could do something like that, but in the end "You can run, but you can't hide".

Karen

[kayc]

Karen,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time! Could it be that your grandkids were not aware it was grandparents day? (I wasn't, but then I don't have grandparents or grandkids).

I'm glad you're getting a break in the weather, at least! I'm from Oregon where it is known to rain and we usually welcome the sunshine, but this summer have had more than we can handle.

I, too, am alone way too much. I know how hard that can get.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go to this ostentatious wedding when she's still grieving her father. I hope she can soon be home and will be in touch with you soon.

Yes it's true we can run but not hide...but sometimes it's nice to be able to run until we're up to dealing with it.

[mfh]

Dear Karen, I know hearing your daughter sobbing on the phone and wanting to see the ocean once more while she can...had to be so tough on you. No mom wants to hear those words from her daughter. My heart reaches out to your heart.

I do not know whether your grandchildren usually remember Grandparents day. I did not know it was Grandparents day (no grands in my world). But let's hope they did not know. I am sorry.

I do know the loneliness...too well. I have been distracted by my eye surgeries and trips to MD for many weeks and I know when that is over the void will appear. I do think after 3.5 years I wil be ok with it but I could not have been ok with it a year ago.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[KarenK]

It is really no big deal. I doubt that any of them have even heard of it before. I only noticed it on my wall calendar. I myself have never had a grandparent. They were all long gone before I was a "glimmer". I just think my lonely feeling was accentuated because of the present circumstances.

I did call my daughter a little while ago. I was waiting for all the hooplah to subside. She is doing okay & had just returned form a walk on the beach. She said she did pretty well, but got quite tired and out of breath on the walk back. I have never been to the Gulf or the Atlantic. She said there are lots of shells just laying in the sand, so she scooped up a bunch to display in a jar. I've been to San Diego & La Jolla several times, but only find shell fragments there. Ron loved shells & I have five sitting on stands that he purchased in La Jolla.

I think what gets to me the most are the memories. There is nothing in my life for the past 41 years that did not occur without Ron by my side or nearby. I cannot escape this and it's very painful, but I'm sure you all understand it.

Karen

[feralfae]

Oh, Karen,

It is a big deal that you are feeling alone and down. We all need to feel that others are thinking about us, and I am glad you called your daughter to make contact with her.

I know it was hard going to look for beads, especially when things are not the same now. But you went, and that is at least something you did just for you today, so good for you.

I am so sorry you are having a rough day, dear heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hello Karen,

I am just reading your posts. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. It is hard to be doing something and not have our spouses be here with us. Jim loved to “people watch” as you say.

I am glad that your daughter was able to go to the beach.

I think we will always miss having that companionship we had when our spouses were alive. That will never go away.

I don’t know about you but the rain has been coming down out here on the Westside all day. I have spent a good deal of the time on the patio. I love the rain and the sound of the thunder. We have not had any damage. The sun came out for a little while but it is raining again. Anne

[enna]

♪ ♪ ♫ "Morning has broken, like the first morning.
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird." ~ Cat Stevens

Can you hear the song? I'm smiling as I hum it ... ~♥~ Praise with elation, praise every morning... Have a great day. ~♥~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TWd3skb-Rw

[mfh]

Karen, I wonder if it was just being forgotten that mattered not the Grandparent Day deal. And I agree with fae, it is a big deal. YOU are a big deal...we all are and our feelings matter and if we do not cherish and honor them, no one else will either.

And yes, it is the memories that we both cherish and which also bring us to tears.

When do you plan on seeing your daughter again? Just curious.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Karen I just wanted to say I know so well what you meant when you wrote

I think what gets to me the most are the memories. There is nothing in my life for the past 41 years that did not occur without Ron by my side or nearby. I cannot escape this and it's very painful, but I'm sure you all understand it.

Yes Karen i do understand. All my memories since 1962 are shared ones with my beloved Pete. And since he died in May last year alll my memories have to be just me. Basically unbearable but I have to bear it. I'm sending a very heart felt hug from England.

[kayc]

I do think it doubly hard for those who spent 40 years or so with their loved one, for so many reasons; one of which is having to learn to be on one's own when they haven't had to before. Not trying to compare, I think sentimentally it doesn't matter if it's one year or 50, it's the quality of the relationship that defines the loss. But there are so many other things involved with the long term relationship! For those in shorter duration relationships, it's hard because we feel gypped from not getting to spend our lives together. I'd figured I'd get at LEAST 20 years with George, but not to be so!

[KarenK]

I am feeling your hug dear Jan, as we both reflect back on so many things in our lives.

Kay, I understand your feeling of being cheated out of many good years, also.

You know, a divorce is a type of death also, but yet so different from this death we have experienced. Maybe age has something to do with it. I was married once before for nine years and although the divorce was heartbreaking, I was only 25 then and could still see a future. I had a good job and felt like I could take care of myself. Fae's climbing the ladder made me remember how I used to climb up on the roof and change the cooler pads, before the refrigeration unit was put on the house. I never hesitated to do anything. I just did it. For all the many years Ron & I were married and when he no longer had the physical stamina, I could still do things. Now I find myself hesitating, thinking "I might fall". It's not the falling that bothers me, it's the fact that no one is here to pick me up. And I guess that's what this ramble is about. The fact that there is no one here anymore to pick me up. Selfish feeling maybe, but after all, that's what life is about, sharing your life with that one person who you know will always pick you up.

Karen