Talking Heals

[feralfae]

Harry,

That was a beautiful message for Karen, thank you.

fae

[enna]

Harry, we all can take away something from your message as fae said. What a wonderful thing to remember. Thank you.

[Wifflesnook]

Harry, as usual you know exactly what to say to us. Thanks. I too have had these moments that I revisit with pain, especially when Pete was in hospital in the early weeks after the stroke and kept asking me when he could come home and I could do nothing. I had never ever let him down in our life together and I failed him then, but it was not for any fault of mine, and I did get him home eventually even though it wasn't for long. We did what we could. They knew that or of they didn't know it then it is known now somehow. Jan

[MartyT]

♥

[mfh]

Dear Karen,

I think Harry said it all so well and I say ditto to his post. When Bill was sick, it was not him whose patience ran out or whose anger surfaced...but it was me as an exhausted and traumatized caregiver, who became inpatient with him and I live with that though I do understand it in hindsight. The bottom line is that I was not me...no one I ever met before. It was all too much and on occasion I would get impatient with Bill or distant. We did get a chance one day when all signs of dementia disappeared for a few minutes (that happened on a rare occasion) to speak to my impatience and the challenges we each faced but of course I wish I had been a perfect caregiver if such an animal exists... As difficult as it is to let go of that statement your husband made, it was made under the worst of circumstances and could have had no meaning, a different meaning, or just the result of the stress and confusion he was under. He may have forgotten he was not eating solid food...you will never know but hopefully you can do what I have had to do (or something that works for you) and remind yourself of the situation when the thought of his saying that bubbles to the surface or plays its torture in the background.

Peace,

Mary

[mfh]

Harry, your post is incredible....and I do love the quote. Your insight is always helpful to me. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Karen,

I love Harry's post, it's spot on. What you experienced, most of us have. In the 6 1/2 years George and I knew each other, we never spoke harshly to each other, always had faith in one another, trusted each other, believed in each other...except that last weekend. I'd gone to my sisters' reunion, not knowing he had heart problems, and right after I left he had a heart attack and went into the hospital...he wouldn't let them contact me, not wanting to "ruin my time with my sisters!" By the time I learned about it, he told me to stay put, that he'd be in testing all the next day, that he wouldn't be able to see me anyway. It was late at night and I had a friend that offered to drive the several hours to come get me and several hours more to take me to the hospital, but he was old and I didn't want him driving all night, risking his life. If I'd had my car with me, I would have left anyway, but being dependent on my sister for a ride, I had to wait...I couldn't get her to bring me to the hospital. (something I never understood, but she told me later she hadn't known he'd up and die, and I told her well heart attacks are rather serious you know). Anyway, the next night, after he got his test results back (he still didn't tell me the results or level with me), he said, "I would have walked around the world on broken glass for you!" I simply said, "I know you would have, George." You see, I remembered when my dad had his heart trouble my mom said he got testy, which wasn't like him, so I figured it was the heart trouble/pain talking, not George. I didn't argue with him or try to reason with him, I just acknowledged what he said, as I knew he needed to be heard and validated. But I also knew the remark wasn't fair to me. I knew he hadn't told me as soon as he knew he had a heart attack, when the doctor wanted to contact me, before I'd left town...my trip could have been canceled at that point and I could have been with him at the hospital all weekend. I also knew he had been the one to tell me, once I did learn of it, to not come, that he'd be in testing all day. And I also knew I did not have a way there, I was five hours away from home without a car. And my sister thought it was more important to gamble than to drive me to the hospital. That's been a tough one. But I knew in all of this, and in all of our life together, I'd done my best, given my best. And I know if he'd been in his right mind, he never would have said that remark to me. He was feeling sorry for himself. And who could blame him! He'd just received the news that his heart was severely damaged and he wouldn't likely make it through the impending surgery. He was coming to terms with this, with his mortality, with meeting his Maker. I might be a little testy too under the circumstances. I think it's like Harry said, they can let down with us, whereas they're trying to maintain around others.

Please don't feel you did anything wrong or failed, you didn't. We all did our best, we cared about them, and we showed it. None of us are perfect, but I'd have to say our relationships were as perfect as human relationships get.

[MartyT]

My dear Fae, Anne, Harry, Mary, Jan and Kay ~ Your individual responses to Karen's post are just amazing. What wise and wonderful people you all are. Thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom and wonderfulness with all of us ♥

[mfh]

My dear Fae, Anne, Harry, Mary, Jan and Kay ~ What wise and wonderful people you all are. ♥

As are you!!!

[HAP]

I agree with Mary. Marty, you always seem to know when to say something--and when to let us natter.

H.

[enna]

Thank you, Marty, for your kind words.

[mfh]

I agree with Mary. Marty, you always seem to know when to say something--and when to let us natter.

H.

I thought perhaps I was in the slow group as I never heard the word natter until fae started using it. Sooooo I looked it up...proving I am indeed in the slow group

natter [ˈnætə] Chiefly Brit (intr) to talk idly and at length; chatter or gossip

[mfh]

I do not want to go back through all the posts I missed but I am wondering if anyone has heard anything about Shannon lately. Last I read she was not doing well at all.

Mary

[kayc]

She's not, there's a post about it, but her brother is there and she's unconscious. Mary's having some medical flare-ups too from the stress.

Here it is, post is more than halfway down, look for Mary's update on her:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?/topic/8029-update-on-shan-prayers-needed/page-2

[mfh]

Kay, thank you. Shannon has been through too much. I am not surprised that Mary is showing symptoms. One of my close friends has a dad who is battling cancer...and now her mom is showing symptoms of Congestive Heart Failure...and is going through what Anne has been doing. Stress is mighty powerful. I will continue to keep Shannon and all in my prayers. Thanks for the post.

I am going to salad night in a minute. I have missed more than I have attended and am feeling pretty isolated lately so this is low key...a group of women anywhere from 4-10 usually around 5 or 6 and we all bring a salad ingredient...sort of a pot luck salad. I am bringing a cheesecake tonight as it is one of the gal's birthday and I am sort of a surrogate mom to her.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Anne, I am soooo impressed!

Way to Go!

The fudge looks delicious, and now we have a couple of CCs (certified chocoholics, you and Marty) endorsing this fudge. Has anyone else here tried it? I may need to order some and try it. I think I will work the fudge off painting and then getting firewood for this winter. I can share it with my Godsons. Brilliant you are, Anne. Very good move! I salute you! Okay, I'm ordering some. Marty, look what you have started.

Besides all the other attributes of chocolate, it is also a health food, you know. Very good for all sorts of things. Really.

Much staining of decks and house walls done today, with two of our Godchildren, Colton and Lucas. Friday, eldest brother Jacob will join them for a day of staining. They all loved Doug, so we talk about Doug. Today, we painted and sanded, had a wonderful time, and brought up the first load of winter firewood. We worked while discussing St. Patrick, his journey to Tara, his prayer, his Rune (by Madeline L'Engle), Druids, Freedom of religion, and what it means to live here on this living Earth gifted to us by our Creator. I am entirely blessed to have such wonderful Godchildren. It amazes me. I would work an hour, then rest an hour, then work an hour, and the boys only stopped for a long lunch hour with wonderful conversation.

Marvelous day. Wonderful day. A lot done, and I will go take a photo of the finished portion, which, while not touched up nor cleaned up yet, looks lovely, I think. My summer vacation.

*<twinkles>*

fae, off to order fudge

[enna]

Thank you for your kind words, fae. I took the post down thinking it offended someone. That would never be my intention. I'll send you the information in a PM.

I am so very glad that your grandsons were with you today. We need days like that to help us through this grief we are living with daily.

You so deserve to have such a glorious day. I will send you the info on the fudge. It is absolutely delicious and I shall have another piece tonight. Marty did not stir us wrong.

Tomorrow I go for the lung procedure and I wish Jim were going to be with me. This grief really stinks without our soul mates.

Everything about this illness is making me 'crazy.' I'm even wondering if I'm bringing it on myself!!

Come back and 'natter' when you have time.

[Wifflesnook]

Anne, I will be with you in spirit as you go for the lung procedure. And so will JIM be. Please post as soon as you can to let us know how it goes. Peace

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

My thoughts are with you as well. Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Dear Anne, You are surrounded by my (our) light and love today. All will be well....our prayer.

Mary

[MartyT]

Amen. ♥

[srm]

My best wishes are also with you today.

Sue

[enna]

Thank you. Tears come with all this kindness.

[KATPILOT]

Anne!

I wish the best for you too. My simple prayer is added to a very large voice.

Stephen

[KATPILOT]

I wanted to say in passing that so many of you have been going through such ordeals that I wish I could have responded better.

Mary, QM, Anne, Shannon, KayC, all of you that are struggling with hardships and health issues. I have read and felt the pain you are enduring. I am going through a very difficult time right now so I can't be here as often as I wish. Just know I think and pray for you kids. See you here again soon I hope.

Stephen