Newly Widowed

[texylady]

Good morning. I discovered this site last night, and it seems like a caring group of people. That is what I am looking for right now.

My husband, Rick, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 14, 2014. On April 3, 2014, he left us. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the cancer diagnosis, gearing up for the fight, getting things set up for him, and suddenly, it was over.

I am sitting here in my living room surrounded by things that my daughters pulled out for his memorial service. I keep moving them from box to box, trying to decide what to do with each item. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of "things". I feel like I need to clear out a lot of "stuff" in order to feel comfortable again. My daughter cleaned the garage and boxed up things for a garage sale, but the thought of actually getting the sale together gives me an anxiety attack. I went on a clearing frenzy in the kitchen, and now I have boxes in there too.

Every few days, I have taken a load of cds, records, books, movies to the used book store, but they seem to reproduce while I am gone.

I know it seems like I am focusing on things rather than Rick, but that is all I can do right now. I can't bring him back, but I am trying to save my own life right now.

[nats]

Texylady...

We understand your pain and agony, you've found a very safe haven with lots of great people a place you will find many answers to this journey you are now on.

I want to say your on the right path already and seem to have noticed something many of us didn't discover until days, weeks or months after our losses, and that's what you wrote " I can't bring him back, but I am trying to save my own life right now " that is indeed your main mission now as this journey is exhausting and like a big roller coaster.

Take things day by day, you are the main focus as you must find some comfort, don't worry about the little things and go with your heart.

I know all to well about the cleaning, sorting and letting go, I'm at 4 years now since my wife Ruth passed and I'm still finding, sorting and letting go.

One thing that helps is positive energy, lots of crying, and talking to the ones who understand you can share here and not be judged and you will find much support,

so use everyone here to find the answers and comfort you seek, it's a wonderful healing resource.

May Peace Be With You...

Nats

[texylady]

Nats, thanks for your reply. My goal for today is 1. Get off computer 2. Try to find my closet floor.

Hope your day is sunny, whatever the weather.

[enna]

My heart goes out to you at this time. I am so sorry for your loss. Each of us learns that we must do what is right for us during this painful time. I am glad you found this place. It is a place of genuine love, caring and concern. Your journey is beginning and you will not take it alone.

I am sorry that your Rick was taken away from you so quickly ~ as you said, you were just trying to wrap your mind around the fact that he had cancer. Know that we will be here for you.

Anne

[texylady]

I hope that I am not posting too much, but this is keeping me from screaming at the ceiling. I have been going through the closet, trying to make some room for things I want to keep, but it seems that for every one thing I take out, two more appear from nowhere. The closet has no more room than it did 50 shirts ago. Many of his shirts have his name on them (he was in the fire department) The fire shirts I can take back to the station. The ratty shirts can go away. The t-shirts went away the first week. That leaves a lot of nice shirts that I can take to my church resale shop, but I had hoped to take them to a consignment shop. The two that I have found are not taking anything right now. I just need to come to terms with the fact that it is ok not to sell his shirts. I lost my job three years ago, and he was "downsized" from the FD after 36 years, so money has been tight the last few years. I know that these shirts are not the difference in me eating or starving, but the frugal part of my brain has not gotten the message. Then there are the shirts for his knife store he was just beginning. So much time and money went into that. Must stop. That is another big can of worms.

[feralfae]

Dear texylady,

I am so very sorry for your deep grief and the loss of your Rick. To have him go so fast after the diagnosis is a huge trauma.

How are you doing with eating, taking care of your health and sleeping? I always ask about this because I know how easy it is to lose any sense of ourselves or the need to care for our bodies when we are in deep grief.

For today, can you just leave things alone, and give yourself some time to sit, perhaps lie down, and let yourself fid some peace and calm from it all for a little while? Perhaps you can find a good meditation for yourself, and let yourself flow into a place of peace and safety. It sounds as though you are taking on a lot very soon after Rick leaving.

It is hard to figure out what to do for a long time after we lose our Beloved. I hope you can take today to go outside, watch the clouds, feel the sun on your skin, sip some refreshing liquids, and be gentle and kind to your broken heart.

Are you seeing a grief counselor? It would be very helpful if you can find someone who is qualified, with whom you can talk occasionally, to help you through these first months of being in such a fog of pain and grief. And maybe you can find a grief support group as well.

I know things seem totally confused and out of control right now, so I'd like to suggest that to help you, you could find a way to take an hour to mediate each day, find a grief counselor if you don't have one, and to come here each day and share with us as you make this terribly painful and difficult journey through the first months of grief. Also, take care of yourself and make sure you are keeping yourself as healthy as you can. It is very important to focus on your health and getting enough rest and fluids these first several months.

I lost my wonderful Doug to colon cancer 27 months ago, and I still miss him terribly, but he is here with me, and when he needs to tell me something, he comes to me in my dreams. But the first few months after he left, I felt as though someone had ripped away half of me, and I had no balance and very little sense of what was going on around me. I think everyone goes through this sense of major amputation and wounding as our lives change so much and we find ourselves faced with days of waking up to realize all over again what has happened. It takes a while for the reality of their leaving to penetrate our brain, and months for our minds to begin to grasp what has happened.

Be gentle and patient with yourself. All the tasks will still be there tomorrow. Love yourself, seek our caring and helpful people, and take care of your health.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I am sending good thoughts, and gentle caring to you.

Blessings and *<fairy dust>* for your broken heart, dear texylady.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[mfh]

I am so very sorry for the pain and loss you are experiencing. I agree with the advice fae, Anne and Nats have provided. You said that sort, purging and more is keeping you sane. I wonder if you can allow yourself to slow down a little bit. You are more tired than you know and perhaps taking a hot bath each day just to relax in its warmth would help you slow down. If you go to the Meditation string there are many videos on grief and on healing you can watch.

There is no hurry to sort, organize or purge things unless as you say it is keeping you sane. The boxes in the garage will be there when you are ready. Garage sales are draining and perhaps taking some walks would help you calm yourself and yet not exhaust yourself.

fae, Anne, Nats and I have all lost our spouses recently and each of us and everyone else here has walked this path in their own way and you will also but as you do so there are some basics as mentioned by fae: rest, nutrition, water, walks, meditation of some sort....maybe just lying on the floor and do some deep breathing.

This journey through pain and grief takes a while and we are all here for you and some here are just a few weeks ahead of you while others have some years behind us. Each of us will help you. Whatever you do with those shirts and other things is totally up to you. No rules apply. The most important thing right now is to take care of you. Cry your tears. Share here if you can and choose to.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Texylady

It's been two years and my Pete's clothes are still in his wardrobe (and English word as I'm in England). I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband and would urge you that unless you really need to do it you don't get rid of his things yet. Slow down. Just be. And please tell us more about him and you, you have found a good site here. I hope it will help you. Jan

[KarenK]

Texylady. I am so sorry for the loss of your Rick, especially hard as you had no time to even grasp the cancer diagnosis. I lost Ron a year ago to cancer & complications caused by chemo. I try not to dwell on the pain & agony he suffered for 6 months before he left. So hard sometimes, but must remember he is suffering no more.

There is no such thing as "posting too much" on this forum filled with wonderful & caring souls. This is our safe haven, our lighthouse in the storm. The place where we can express our pain & confusion & be assured that everyone will understand.

I too, went through a frenzy of cleaning & rearranging about a week after he left. In fact, the night of his death, I went from room to room gathering up all cancer, heart, & diabetic related items & tossing them or boxing up for donation. Somehow, it helped me to remember him as the handsome young man I married 40 years before. Doesn't make sense, does it? But you will find in the early months of grief, nothing makes a lot sense. I have only gotten rid of his clothing that was kept at our vacation home as needed to sell the place. The remainder of his clothing is still in the closet. I just don't have an urgency to dispose of those things. I've had what seems like a "zillion" yard sales, yet still have an entire room of things to sell. There are 2 complete household of stuff. I know what you mean about things multiplying.

We will walk this difficult journey with you. So many are walking together hand in hand & you can lean on us anytime. There is no time limit to what you are experiencing.

Luv,

Karen

[texylady]

More and more wonderful people! I feel like Rick must have guided me here. About us. We (oops I) live near Fort Worth Texas. We were married for 38 years. I went through some difficult times with depression, and put Rick through more crap than anyone should have to deal with, but he stuck with me through it all. He was well known in town, we rarely went anywhere without someone stopping to talk to him. I used to kid him that he must be about to run for mayor, he shook so many hands. When word got out about his illness, everyone wanted to help in some way, so the fire dept started a donation drive at the station. It soon became apparent that people wanted to donate online, so a second fund was set up that way. I am blessed to say that friends, family, and even strangers gave our family nearly $15,000, which has allowed me to pay for his memorial, and hospital bills, plus legal etc. all of which would have been difficult, no impossible to do at this time. I am sure you all know that life insurance, retirement benefits, etc don't just fall out of the sky when someone dies.

more later, whether you want it or not

ML

[HAP]

Dear Texylady,

Welcome. In your hour of need you have come to the right place. We all of us wish none of us were here because it would mean our spouses were still with us. I arrived in February of 2011--about two months after my wife died of cancer four months after being diagnosed. I'm in no hurry to leave, though my work takes me away for stretches with some frequency.

I still remember the night I cam home from the hospital for the last time. The house was so silent it was unbearable. I slept about three hours that night, then got up and turned on the stereo so loud it probably woke the entire neighborhood. I had to kill that silence somehow.

This is my way of saying we all lose our minds for a while after the death of our spouse. The shape of that madness varies from person to person. Some people do exactly what you are doing. Others hang on to those clothes. I still have not unpacked the bag of my wife's things from the hospital. Sometimes I open it just so I can smell her scent again. I'm still pretty crazy sometimes. It took me two years to open her closet and start emptying it.

Don't worry about the crying either. I had to give up on the grocery store we used for years because every time I walked in the door, I'd lose it. At home, I'd scream at the ceiling periodically. I didn't cry at all for the first few weeks. I was too numb to feel much of anything. When the tears came, it was hard to stop them sometimes. They still ambush me periodically 41 months later.

But for each of us it is different. The books on grief tell you there is a pattern to it all--that you'll feel this, then that then this. If you are going to read a book on grief, get one by someone who has been there. Too many are written by "experts" who've studied grief but have no idea what it really is.

Others have said this, but i'll say it again--in greater detail: Self care is critical right now. People talk about getting through one day at a time. For me, five weeks in, I was living one second at a time. It was all I could do. I remember getting to the point where I could go a full minute without the loss pushing me to the edge and feeling like I had conquered the world. Meditation helped, but structure helped more. I got up at the same time every day, made the bed, had breakfast, took a shower, shaved, went to work, came home, took a walk, made dinner, washed dishes, I blocked out specific things to do for the entire weekend. People made sure I got out of the house socially--much as I wanted to sit in a corner and hide. I hated every social minute, but it was good for me.

Drink lots of water. You can't believe how much grief dehydrates you. Don't drink alcohol. It's a depressant and grieving is depressing enough. Make sure to eat healthy meals on a regular schedule. No junk food. The sugar is as bad as the alcohol. Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every day. there will be nights you don't feel like sleeping, but try any way. There will be days you don't want to get up. But get up any way.

And write. Nothing gets the feelings out in front of you like writing. Keep a journal, write here--blurt it out on the page or on the screen. One of my professors once said, "We discover what we are thinking and feeling when we put it down on paper." She was right.

Remember, there is no timetable on any of what you are feeling. We each go about this in our own way and at our own pace. What I've written above is what people told me when I got here. It helps.

We have people from all over the world here--and I'm not sure Marty and Mary ever really sleep. The light is always on. We are all of us in the process of learning to cope with our loss. In the process, we found each other and realized that coping is a lot easier when you have a caring group around who know--really know--what it is you are going through.

Don't worry about posting too much--there's no such thing here.

Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[texylady]

Thank you Harry. I feel very happy to have found this place. I even suggested it to my daughter, in the section for loss of a love relationship. Her rat b@$t@rd of a boyfriend cheated on her while her dad was dying, even while seeming to support her. Then, she found him with the "other woman" the day after Rick's memorial service. She can't even start to grieve the loss of her daddy because her heart is smashed flat. I feel so badly for her, but there is little I can do but listen.

ML

[kayc]

Texylady,

I was on line before you posted yesterday and late getting here today...I'm sorry you lost your husband, that another person has to go through what we have been through. I, too, did not get much time to assimilate the information when my husband died, he had a heart attack.

The things will wait. Maybe just deal with a corner of stuff every week as you feel like. Perhaps your daughter would hold the garage sale if you aren't, understandably, up to it.

I am sorry for what your daughter is going through. She will have plenty of time to grieve, it doesn't take as long to get over a cheating BF as it does to grieve the loss of someone you love and admire. Trust me, I've been there, different storyline, but similar situation.

I do hope you feel welcome to come here and post as often as you like, we have others that are newly grieving, and it always helps to know you are not alone in it.

My heartfelt hugs...

[enna]

My dear ML, just dropping in to let you know that what you are saying is being heard. You will continue to do what seems right for you. I found early on in my grief after losing my Jim that crying is good for us. I live in the desert and there is nothing more refreshing than driving out to an area where only the saguaro grow and screaming at the top of my lungs. It didn't matter to me if anyone heard me ~ it simply released the tension inside me.

We busy ourselves as we need to and there is no blueprint to grief. Each one of us does what we need to do.

I know all too well that our children grieve in a much different way than we do. After all, our soulmates are gone and this loss is gut-wrenching and like no other grief!

I am glad you found this safe place. It really stinks that we are here but it is a healing place for us to begin our new lives.

Anne

[Queeniemary]

Dear ML, I am so very sorry you had to join us on this grief journey. I have been traveling it since January 13, 2010, when my Mike died of a massive coronary. I found this site in April, 2010. This place has saved my sanity, and I have made some wonderful friends.

Your loss is so very sudden, as was mine, so I can relate to that. My husband died at home along, with no previous symptoms of heart problems, while I was in a hospital 1 1/2 hours away, just having had total knee replacement 2 days before.

You are still numb, and most likely in a fog. You feel like you must do something, but as Jan said, it might be better to slow down, you may regret giving away some things later. I have totes of some of Mike's things stored in my basement, but I did, after about 6 months or so, give away many of his good clothing to a shelter here in town.

You cannot post too much here, especially at this particular time, you have a great need to be heard, and we are here to hear you, anytime day or night.

Do, as others have advised, take care of yourself. Eat right, drink lots of water, and try to rest. So sorry your daughter has the additional grief of the relationship loss.

Wishing peace for you

QMary

[texylady]

QMary, Your story is heart wrenching as well. The pain of grief compounded by the pain of PAIN. How on earth did you handle things? I hope you had a good support system. My dad died the same way. He asked my mom for a soda, said he felt like he needed to burp. By the time she went 5 steps to the kitchen and back, he was on the floor.

Here is a little statistical oddness. My Great Grandfather, Grandfather, Father and Husband all died at 61.

Hugs for all,

ML

[kayc]

ML,

My father and my MIL both died at 62. I turn 62 this year. My husband didn't even make it that far, was barely 51. I feel that you and I will break the "statistics".

[texylady]

Yes, we will Kay!

Today was a little less emotional than yesterday. I volunteer at our church resale shop on Fri and Sat mornings, so there was that. Then I went to the grocery store. For at least the last 15 years Rick did all the grocery shopping. He enjoyed it, I did not so I let him have at it. Now I don't even know what is a good price on something. I dashed in and out before it became too overwhelming, picking up a few easy to prepare items, since I don't cook. I am hoping to do more cooking in the future, but right now it is more than I can deal with.The deli had a nice plate with an entree and two sides, so I feel like I had my one "real meal" of the day. I got some nice salami and cheese, small amounts that I will eat before they go bad, and I am looking forward to eating them later.

I wish I had been much more attentive to my mom when my dad died. I had no idea what she was going through. I am trying to take the best care that I can of her now, as she is finally starting to feel her age, and none too happy about it..

I got Rick's life insurance today. I must talk to a financial planner next week to help me figure things out. (even though heading off to the Virgin Islands sounds like a pretty good plan right now!)

Hugs,

ML

[mfh]

Dear ML, I hear you about being more attentive to your mom when your dad died. I was attentive but I surely did not get it as I do now so the attention did not include hearing her pain well.

I am delighted to hear your slowed down a bit. I understand about cooking. Be patient. I kept small things in the house....veggies that I can munch on, plain yogurt over hot applesauce, instant oatmeal, ready to eat salad in a bag, some frozen decent quality meals....and lots of water each day. And of course, chocolate.

The Virgin Islands probably sounds good to everyone here. Initially I just put the insurance money in a money market account until I could get my head on straight and choose the right person to assist me.

Do relax if you can.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear ML,

I doubt that very many people comprehend the pain of grief until they experience it. Those who do understand, and also help others, are precious healers, I think.

I am so glad you have a place to go and get out for a while at the resale shop, and a place where I know everyone is supporting you. I can relate on grocery shopping and other errands! Doug did all the maintenance, repairs, oversaw the forest and lawns, all such stuff. I am feeling very lost trying to make a concrete plan for things to be done. And we always shopped for groceries together for as long as he could.

I second Mary's alternative of putting the funds in your personal bank's money market account until you are ready to sit down and talk with someone, and you can wait until you feel more steady and able to look at your future needs and dreams. Don't forget to toss in some dreams.

Mary said it well, but let me add, keep some fresh fruit around, for a festive and healthy treat.

I hope you are having a peaceful and restful evening with a healthy meal. It is so important. Some of us here are partial to Evening in Missoula tea in the evening, and it is heavenly, in case you are a tea drinker.

Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

And green tea, it's so healing to the body!

[Queeniemary]

ML,

you are getting excellent advise financially, as well as for your emotional and physical wellbeing.. We did not have a lot of insurance, but there was enough to pay off any debts, and the house. I have a little left, but it is my "little" cushion. Used for unusual expenses.

ML, I did have lots of support. My husband and I both were members of the local community theatre group, and they rallied around me beautifully. My daughter and her husband came and got me from the hospital, and she took a leave from her job and stayed with me for a month. I was on pain meds., and still had probably some of the anesthesia effects going on with me at the time. She was a lifesaver for me, and my rock. She was also the one who found my husband's body (her stepfather) the afternoon after he died sometime that morning. It was a very tough time for her also. We called her my Nurse Rachet (from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest). She made me eat, and do my therapy. I could not have made it without her. Mike's death was such a shock, to me, to our friends and family. He had not had any heart problems. The last time I saw him was when he kissed me and walked out of my hospital room the day of my surgery, laughing at something we were talking about. Mike was 62 when he died.

Glad you are slowing down a bit, you do not have to rush to do anything. You set your own timetable.

QMary

[JeL]

Dear ML,

I'm sharing my heartfelt sympathy with you and wishing you resilience and courage for the grief work ahead.

My husband died 8 months ago just 5 weeks after his cancer diagnosis so in some ways our experience is similar. My initial busy-ness helped me tackle the necessary tasks (financials, selling a business and a car, winterizing and storing the boat) and I welcomed the energy and distractions. For me, it was comforting to de-clutter, begin purging "stuff" I knew I'd never want or need. I made sure to save his clothing/books/tools linked to memories and I'm moving forward with decisions about those slowly. I slept in one of his T shirts just last night; I feel it's like him hugging me. Crazy maybe, but that does not make me sad, it helps me feel grateful for our 31 happy years.

Others' wisdom about structuring healthy habits in to each day is good advice....some calm/reflective time alone or with your special ones, exercise, healthy diet, trying to rest. I returned to work 2 weeks after Fred died; that was both tough and helpful. Being around people, having meaningful work, building in a few hours of grief reading and reflection each week, making plans for the anniversaries...these strategies are moving me forward most days. As I've posted here, sometimes I move 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Be well. Jo

[kayc]

I recently sold George's "Wave" (Leatherman knife), it's been nearly nine years since he died, and it was gutwrenching! The logical part of me said no one uses it and it's been all this time and I need the $ for food/gas, but man was it hard! I saved George's favorite clothes, his fishing vest & hat, his bathrobe, favorite dress vest (Norwegian, hand stitched, beautiful!), etc. I got rid of his work clothes (I felt his job greatly contributed to his heart attack). Anything you aren't comfortable with getting rid of, hang on to, there's plenty of time to deal with all of that later.

[texylady]

Here it is, Monday again. I have someone coming from church to help with whatever I need in an hour or so. I have been to her house many times. It is huge and gorgeous and well kept and I am a little nervous about her coming here, as my house is none of those things. I have never been a big hostess on a one-on-one basis, and I just realized I don't even have anything here to offer as a snack. The idea of going out for something is causing a panic attack. Then this afternoon another friend is bringing a yard man over for an estimate on spring cleaning my yard. It is really hard for me to accept all this help, but I know that I must or go into a complete tailspin.

I know that healthy eating is important, but I wasn't doing very well at that before Rick died, and changing my diet right now is more of a task than I can handle. Familiar, comfort foods are all I have to look forward to.

This morning is taking a turn in the wrong direction. I need to get up an get ready before Karen gets here.

Hugs to all

ML