Articles Worth Reading

[kayc]

I think she expressed it very well...we may not know her Matt, but we can definitely get a sense of what he meant to her.

[MartyT]

A brilliant piece on "risking the greatest unhappiness for the greatest happiness" ~ 

Easter Brides and Christmas Widows

. . . Risky, solemn business, plighting.

The 19-year-old, in her white dress, plights her troth, in a moment of blind hope and splendid passion, and will not want whispered in her ear that the man at her side will not always be there.

Into her narrow white shoe, I would have her -- and every Easter Bride -- place a sharp stone, to remind her, as she walks forward into marriage, that there is a shadow floating above her. Knowing the shadow is there will not keep her or her groom safe, but knowing it is there will perhaps enable her to hold back just a tiny piece of her maiden's heart, upon which to feed in the certain time of famine. Perhaps. At least, she will have the option.

At 19, or much later (in my own case, for example), plighting one's troth means risking indescribable loss, certain loss... of one the other. The essential other . . . Read on here >>>

[kayc]

I thought this article was interesting, on being in the moment, rather than letting anxiety get the best of you:
 

Hints.pdf

[MartyT]

Maria Shriver on The Power of Your Love:

"I didn’t grow up being taught the message to love myself. I grew up being taught the message: Go out and change the world. Do something to make the world better. I do believe that we can all do something to make the world better and I try to do my part as best I can, but I’ve also come to know deep in my heart that you will come up empty if you are only focused on the world without first loving and valuing yourself.

"The world will never love you the way you can love you." Read the entire article here >>>

[MartyT]

Today's Daily Om:

December 28, 2015 Using Your Pain to Help Others Healing with Hurt by Madisyn Taylor    You can channel your pain into helping others and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world. Read on here >>>

[kayc]

What I found most helpful in this article was:

" Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. "

[MartyT]

You are a living example of this statement, dear Kay. Blessings to you, and thank you for being all that you are for all of us  ♥

[MartyT]

Some excellent ideas in this one, from Dr. Bob Neimeyer on AfterTalk:

Five Principles for Managing Grief In The New Year 

There’s a reason for the season, as they say, as the dawning of a New Year, if approached thoughtfully, can signal a time of renewal. Read on here >>>

[enna]

I found this article to be interesting. We cannot avoid our grief. The reality is something happened to us when our loved one died and to pretend it didn't is only prolonging the reality. 

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/avoidance-in-grief/  

[kayc]

I so agree with this article!  Avoidance can be helpful so long as you only use it for a while until you are better able to deal with what you need to go through.  But to perpetually use avoidance is not good!  It's so important we go THROUGH our grief and experience it in order to make our way through it.  Although grief doesn't have an ending, it evolves, but we must give it the chance to evolve by going THROUGH it!  That means experiencing the pain, crying the tears, reading the articles, seeing a grief counselor, allowing yourself to learn and grow through your grief.  To not make effort to fully appreciate each day is to deprive yourself of joy.  None of this happens overnight, it takes time, and yet time alone does not make the changes in your life, only you can do that.

[MartyT]

Another terrific article: Be Who You Are, Do What You Can, Want What You Have -- You Are Enough  ♥

[MartyT]

Good food for thought from Bob Baugher and Grief Digest Magazine:

TEN TRICKS YOUR BRAIN PLAYS ON YOU DURING GRIEF

Your brain—what an amazing organ. It can outthink the most complex computer. It is—well—it’s who you are. Your brain—or you—is reading these words and taking in information in microseconds. So, with all its wondrous abilities, why would your brain trick you, especially at a time when you need it most? Because it’s not perfect. However, don’t let your brain (or you) take it personally. Just keep reading and you’ll begin to recognize how these brain imperfections can influence you during the most difficult time of your life.

Trick #1: I will feel this way forever.When the death occurred, you absolutely believed that you would never laugh again; but you did. Do you remember that first time? Were you surprised when you heard laughter and realized that it was coming from you? After you recovered from the shock, you may have chastised yourself for “forgetting” your loved one. As time has gone by, however, you have hopefully begun to realize that your loved one would want laughter to return.

Trick #2: Guilt
Perhaps the cruelest trick your brain plays on you is one where the past continues to be rewritten. Just look at all the ways that guilt can complicate your grief. See if any of these sound familiar:
If-Only Guilt—After the death you find yourself revisiting events in the life of your loved one in which you say, “If only….” Or “I should have…..” or “Why didn’t I?”
Role Guilt—“I wasn’t a good enough __________________ to this person.” We’re still waiting for the perfect (choose one) parent/spouse/sibling/grandparent/child.
Death Causation Guilt—The death occurred because of something I did or failed to do. It matters little whether I actually had anything to do with the death. I still feel guilty. Read on here >>>

[kayc]

Very good!  I wish some of those in the other sections would come here, you and Anne have posted so much help!

[MartyT]

When they are ready, dear Kay, they will come. All we can do is set the table for them  ♥

[kayc]

Haha, like "Build it, they will come!"

[MartyT]

Exactly. 

[MartyT]

From Annette Childs in today's Rx for the Soul ~ a truly beautiful piece:

Becoming Our Best Selves

January 22, 2016 By Annette Childs, Ph.D. 

It seems that everywhere we look right now, mortality is staring back at us. Two rock legends gone in the same week. When the literal  ‘rock stars’  among us succumb to the fates it is a potent reminder to us non-rock star mortals that our day, too, will come. Read on here>>>

[enna]

Megan Devine does it again. The gift we give someone in pain...

http://www.refugeingrief.com/grief-imagery/  

[MartyT]

Wise words from The Grief Toolbox: Grief Repressed and Grief Expressed

 

[MartyT]

And this: A Letter to Mama, if you're reading. . .  ♥

[enna]

 

This came in my email today from Megan Devine who writes about grief. Hello, dear one. I've been speaking to a lot of people lately about my work - about pain and loss and death. I always wind around to the deep disrespect for pain stitched into conventional, average pseudo-spiritual platitudes. I'm usually speaking with people who think much as we do - those who know that grief is not an illness, but a natural part of love and life.  I can get lulled into thinking things aren't so bad out there, in the wider world. But I know that isn't true. So many otherwise intelligent, kind, insightful people still think grief is an aberration, a detour from "normal," something to be pushed through as soon as possible. There's still so much work to be done to change this view. To make things better for everyone.  It isn't easy. It's always an experiment, a work in progress. Our culture is still so new at learning to bear witness to each other - to tolerate our own pain, and to hear the pain of others. These are high level skills, but they aren't impossible.  The most common complaint, or concern, I hear from those who think grief is a problem is that if we don't "push through," we'll be doomed to an unhappy and broken life forever and ever. I just don't agree with such all or nothing thinking. I don't think grief has to be a wasteland, a place where absolutely no relief or comfort can be found. And certainly, forcing a happy face on tangible, authentic pain is my idea of an unhappy and broken life. The real path lies somewhere in the middle, where we find ways to live alongside both grief and love, neither irreparably broken, nor shoving grief into the corners of our minds.  Whole hearts. Whole lives. That's the real middle path.  There is always more work to be done.  Have you found people in one of these all or nothing beliefs about grief? Send me a note and let me know. Remember, when you hit "reply" to this letter, your email comes right to me. I'd love to hear from you. Talk soon, Megan

[enna]

http://healgrief.org/is-it-grief-or-depression/  

[kayc]

2 hours ago, enna said:

http://healgrief.org/is-it-grief-or-depression/  

Anne, thank you for this summation of "Is it grief or is it depression?".  Although I think it's common to feel that way in grief, even up to years, a person should be working on their grief and seeing at least subtle improvements in how they feel overall, even if only being able to carry on with their day to day operation.  The finding joy takes real effort and focus, and learning to practice living in the present does as well.  You and Marty have given us many meditations, all of which have been helpful.  It's not enough to just get through the day and state how you're feeling, there is so much more to grief work than just voicing your complaints, at least if you want to make any headway.

[enna]

This came in my email today. WOW 

Skip to content

• Home
• About Barbara McAf

 

Oh For Goodness Sake – Stand At My Grave and Weep Already!

Posted on February 18, 2016by Barbara McAfee

Death has been visiting my life a lot in this past year. During those times, I have frequently heard Mary Elizabeth Frye’s well-known poem, “Do No Stand At My Grave and Weep.”

This morning as I was lolling abed, I began naming my departed-beloveds in my mind, calling their sweet faces to mind and silently speaking their names one by one. This is one of the ways I honor them and deal with their absence. In the midst of that familiar ritual, I “heard” a distinct voice speaking into my mind. This is what it said.

Now, Honey. You just go ahead and stand at my grave and weep. As a matter of fact, you could fall to the ground if you wanted to. If there’s snow or mud, no matter — you can always get that funeral suit cleaned later on.

Or you could forego the suit altogether. Wear your pajamas or your favorite sweats to my funeral. You’re hurting enough all ready without having to wear tight clothes and uncomfortable shoes.

And please, please…weep! It’s bizarre to be where I am now — in this lovely though totally indescribable place – and see you expending such precious energy on NOT weeping, NOT breathing, NOT living this experience. Sweetheart, you are still alive. So be…alive!

 We don’t get to weep here. We don’t get dirty. Our hearts don’t shatter. That only happens where you are. To be honest, I miss the mess of living. It’s a privilege. So go ahead and weep, wail, rant, gnash your teeth, carry on a bit. There will be plenty of time for silence and stillness when you’re where I am.

And when you are finished with crying – or when you pause for awhile – go ahead and sing. Singing reaches right across the divide between where I am and where you are and brings us together in an instant. You’ve felt that, haven’t you? You’ll know the song to sing, but not until you take the breath to begin it. That moment will allow me to plop one right into your heart and out it will come. Be warned it will likely make you cry again. I think I’ve made myself clear about what to do when that happens.

Now here’s another thing. This one is for much, much later — after your suit is back from the cleaners, the casserole dishes have been returned, and the rest of the world has moved on from your cataclysmic loss. Begin to find some life around and beyond your grief and gently, gingerly start to live into it. Sadness and loss will still be around because frankly, you won’t ever “get over it.” You’re not supposed to. 

I don’t know how you will find your way back to living your life beyond grief, but I hear rumors over here that being out under the sky is good start. Connecting with other living things is good as well – plants in the garden, friendly dogs, old friends who don’t bring creased brows and “concern” to every encounter.

So – go ahead – stand at my grave. Cry your damn eyes out. Ride the storm of grief bravely and it just may carry you – in time, Dear One, in time – back to the amazing place of being alive.

I’ll be cheering you on from here.

[scba]

Dear Marty,

I have been browsing this section. I was wondering if there is an article or book that you can suggest me about decission making and grief. I'm in the second year and I feel I'm making all the wrong decissions regarding my life, like job searching, where to live, how to spend money. Or that I'm unable to decide at all. It is different with the decissions made in the first year and it is not that I haven't been before in this crossroad, but my boyfriend's opinion was the one I regarded the most and listened the most. Although I have caring people around me, I feel lost without his opinion. For example, I rejected a job proposal and regreted later on. I was sure of the decission and half a day later I cried because I felt I did wrong. I'm 36 and I used to be rational, pragmatic and had good judgment, but now I feel lost in a world that cannot stop and wait for me and my emotions to go away. Thank you in advance for any input.