Changes I'm Making

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne, how beautiful --

"you learn to dance with a limp." is so perfectly precise in what we are trying to do. To rejoin the dance of life, knowing that we will dance in a different way now.

Thank you!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Anne, it's so true, it IS harder than we ever could have imagined. And I think all of us have a limp. But we're still dancing.

[enna]

The picture I posted is over on significant quotes! I Think!

[enna]

I made it through the biopsies today. Everything looked better today. Now we can go on to the other tests.

I will be following up on some blood work with my Primary!

I haven't heard yet on the brain MRI ~ neuro doc was at a conference ~ I'll call tomorrow since I'm holding the disc and he should have the written report plus the blood tests he ordered.

I have started back doing my colored pencil art. I needed a distraction.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for this update. I was wondering how you are, and whether you've heard the results of your MRI. What a time for your doctor to go to a conference! I'm sorry. The waiting is so bad. Prayerfully, the waiting will be the worst part, and it will soon be over. I hope the biopsies weren't too painful. I dreaded that for you.

I'm happy you started your colored pencil art again. I have that as a hobby also, but I'm not great at it by any means. I'm not going to be winning any contests, but I love using color. It's been a long time since I've had time to play with anything creative. I get to do fun things like Quick Books (sarcasm). I don't like bookkeeping, so I fuss.

I've meant to tell you that the email address you sent to me some time ago didn't work. I copied and pasted the one you sent, but I got a message that it was invalid when I sent you an email. I thought you might want to know.

Amberly just got back tonight from Stockton where she took some classes at St. Joseph's Hospital. One class was on pain management. She was supposed to have had her last two tests at 4:30 yesterday afternoon, but at 6 p.m., the nurses were told that they would have to return this morning because the computer was down. That meant Amberly would have to stay an extra night. She was able to get her motel room for another night, for which she was quite thankful. She was supposed to be back to work at 8 this morning, but made arrangements to come in later. She made it to work at 11. She looks like she's run a race. She's a happy tired though, because she really enjoyed her classes, and is happy to have her certificates.

Jerry's had a few rough days, particularly last Wednesday. Amberly almost canceled her classes. He went to his ophthalmologist, and was told that his glaucoma has progressed to the severe stage. That is unrelated to whatever is making him have these scary dizzy episodes. He had three of them today. He was able to go downstairs to his office by noon. He still has "good days" and enjoys his drone.

We always remember you in our prayers every morning. Thank you for remembering us also.

Blessings and warm hugs,

Carrie

[kayc]

Have either of you tried watercolor pencils? Stampin Up sells them but any art store should carry them too. You use them just like any colored pencil and when you're done, you "paint" them with water...it gives a watercolor effect. You can buy a "fillable brush" that you fill the tube with water and it has a paintbrush end, they work great. It makes it look like you're a famous artist!

I'm glad Amberly got her certificates! That must have felt like a real accomplishment to her.

I'm sorry Jerry's going through so much.

Hang in there...one day at a time!

[enna]

I will have to look for those watercolor pencils, Kay. You told me about them before.

I found this video today and it touched my heart ~ I'm sending it on to all of you. Enjoy.

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne! That is a beautiful piece, thank you so much for posting it for us.

Note! Dick Blick has watercolor pencils on sale right now. They have several kinds: Prismacolor, Derwent, Caran d'Ache, Faber-Castell. They are on line, DickBlick.com

[Wifflesnook]

It's lovely Anne. Thank you

[Queeniemary]

Anne thank you for the quote, which is so true, and the video, filled with statements of truth. I am so glad you are getting your results, and that things are looking better today. Hope you hear about the head MRI soon. You are in my thoughts continually.

I had first night of auditions for "Doublewide Texas" last night, very large bunch of people auditioned. Have second night tonight, and then the very hard task of casting the play. My assistant director and I talked about the people who auditioned last night, and could have cast it from last night.....new people will come tonight, and our thoughts will probably totally change!! Wish you could see this also Anne, and Kay. I am so immersed in plays right now (a good way to distract the mind from worry over other things) the college play will start rehearsals in earnest next week, I have a small part. After it closes, my rehearsals for DT will start and continue until play is produced on June 13,14,19,20,21. I will be so ready for the trip to California I am making with my brother and SIL, and our friend Tom. We leave the 22 of June, we are traveling to a house off Hwy 1 on the coast, owned by a friend of my brothers, with a great view of ocean and a hot tub (don't see me in that). Plan to visit wine country, redwood forests, and relax.

QMary

[kayc]

I wish I could see it too, QMary! Wouldn't we all have fun! And I'd bring chocolate for Anne and fae. Break a leg!

Blick is a well known craft supplier, thanks for the info, fae!

[LadyCarrie]

Good morning, All,

I have tried the colored pencils that can be used to create watercolor paintings, but my results were such that I know I'm still an amateur, for sure and certain! I definitely need practice with this medium, but I haven't given up. I can't remember the brand of the watercolor pencils I have, but Prisma likely. I would have done better with my watercolor paint from the tubes, not that I'm great with watercolor. For me, watercolor is much more difficult than oils. I need a teacher to help me learn how to have more control of the paint (the red of the rose at the top does not need to fade to pink at the bottom where the green belongs, or does it? The red turns brown when it meets and mixes with the green, so perhaps I could pull a Bob Ross and call it a "happy accident").

We have a friend who is a professional painter, who I was going to hire to help me with my oils, but I discovered during our discussion about it that while I'm "into" pastoral landscapes, flowers, old homes and old barns, and such, he's into architecture of the buildings of Milan, Italy where he spends much of his time. His work is admirable, but my multi-story buildings lean like those in Southern CA after a quake, and he has no interest in the fauna and flora of our Tuolumne County, CA, because his heart and passion is Milan and the life he had there. He frowns on the works of our local artists who love and paint the simple things of the simple-but-awesome place where live. He's still our good friend, although we are not as dignified as he in our art work .

I'm not familiar with the companies you guys mentioned, Kay and Fae (Is my ignorance showing?). I haven't been able to play in color for a long time, but there will likely be time again, and I'll wish I didn't have time. I know you all understand my meaning. Please forgive my momentary sad thought passing through this happy art conversation. I try to push these thoughts aside when they come. It a part of where I am in my own journey (waiting for pain to hit me like a hammer to my head and to my heart; scary). I took a thought side trip. I'm back with you now.

Playing in color can give me a high and an exhilarating rush, and I know some of you will understand. Aren't we glad God gave us color to feed our souls rather than creating everything in shades of white, gray, and black? I used and taught color therapy to help our clients when Amberly and I had Hall's Health and Massage Clinic. One of the doctors, whose office was located just down the hall from us, used to send some of his patients for color therapy. Color is like medicine for our emotions (some days we need the reds, yellows, and even oranges, and other days, we need to be bathed and saturated in indigo). Color therapy is understood and used more in the larger cities, but is getting a "toe hold" here.

I will look Blick up online. Would you believe I need to go all the way to Modesto in the Valley to get quality art products? I have used Aaron Brothers there for many years. I hadn't thought to try online shopping for supplies. Thanks for the information. I like Prisma colored pencils, and have many of them. I get excited and buy duplicates of what I already have at home when I'm in an art supply store .

I've always been conservative when buying canvases, because they can be expensive. Knowing that I do this, Jerry bought me two pricey ones that I would not have bought for myself. He did this after he was so sick. He said that he wanted me to have at least two of the best we could get, and that he needed to know I have them. When I objected due to the cost, he said that he wanted me to have them, and to not be pressured to create a masterpiece, or to ever use them. Because I have no time to paint at this time of my life, can you imagine the thoughts that go through my mind when I remember these canvasses? I believe you know.

Back to a happy thought again. I've really enjoyed all of the art everyone has been sharing lately. It does my heart good, and I thank each of you. I would never have thought to use paint chips. How creative and how lovely! I enjoyed the photos a lot.

Blessings for all,

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

This P.S. has absolutely nothing to do with the discussion here, but I'd like to share a text that Amberly just sent to me. This is an example of why she doesn't like to work pediatrics (she's too tender-hearted for it; she helped with circumcisions in her early years, but refuses now).

From Amberly to me:

"I just had to give three vaccines to the cutest little round native baby girl. She was all smiles prior, and cried with each stick. Poor little thing. Made me want to cry, too. And she forgave me afterward with a smile and little tears still tracking down her little round brown face."

Amberly is likely in the nurses' break room trying to pull herself together. She handles that trauma of ER so much better (smile)!

Carrie

[MartyT]

Carrie, my dear, your daughter sounds exactly like her mother: empathic, tender-hearted, loving and kind. Why am I not surprised?! ♥

[feralfae]

Carrie,

You do have a beautiful daughter.

I am glad to see you "dosing" yourself on bits of anticipatory grief. You were doing that above, as you spent time on art and color and canvases, remembering when Jerry bought the canvases for you, and slipping into moments of your grief, and then pulling yourself back.

I know that it must be painful some days to think about your future, and woven it is with your past and present. I think that later, we learn to wrap the whole cloth around us, and a living, loving presence who is always present softly and quietly emerges in our hearts. That is a shift that I feel going on with me right now. As with all the steps on this journey, it is three steps forward and two back, but slowly, slowly, I feel acceptance and a shift in my sense of Spirit revealing itself within me.

I see you already able to be on that journey, and that you are doing it in tiny bits, buffering the 'doses' very well, is good. I know Marty will have better words about this.

You will like Dick Blick. Great prices and service. I get brushes and oils from them, as well as water colors and some sculpting stuff. I never know what I might to do from day to day, it seems. But right now, I am not yet in the studio. But I have 50# of clay on the work table.

I am glad you are doing sketching. I would never have thought of such a creative option for paint chips, either! How graceful and random within a larger coherency of color and shape.

Peace to your heart,

fae

[kayc]

Michaels also carries watercolor pencils, university art stores do but they're higher priced. Sometimes you can go on line and sign up for coupons, 40% off and such, they're great to use when buying a set.

Your daughter is so sweet! I'm sure she's a wonderful nurse.

[enna]

I just love those who are here around our circle. Not only is this a 'healing' ground, but it is a place where we come to learn how to be kinder, gentler and empathic. How rich we are to have this place. Sometimes there just are no words to describe our journeys. I read posts and am amazed at our resilience during the most difficult time of our lives.

Today as I watched the rain fall gently on my patio I reflected on the number of months I've been fortunate to be here. Not that I want to be here, but that there is a place for me. Sometimes the only meditation time I need is to come here and read the posts.

I think what I'm trying to say is thank you.

[enna]

One thing I learned about this grief journey I’m on is that I never know what each day will bring. When I came to this forum my focus was on learning how to deal with the death of my spouse. I am only two months from the third anniversary of Jim’s death. I am different today than I was when Jim was alive. I accept his death even though I do not like it. I will always miss him and I curse the day he left me. I have lived long enough to understand that we are born and we will die. This forum has been a life jacket for me. I have learned from those who are here that sharing =s ‘healing.’ Each person’s definition is unique.

Today my journey has taken a twist. My life today is filled with many uncertainties and the only way to deal with them is to deal with them.

Here is the update on my physical health. I share this even though it pains me to talk about myself so others will understand that sometimes caregiving leaves us with trauma that only manifests itself later.

My health journey began when I was diagnosed with heart failure and minimal lung capacity due to the heart failure. After many months coming to grips with this, I found myself going back and forth to heart and lung doctors for over a year. I have no blockages and the electrical function in the heart is strong. The muscle is enlarged and that is not reversible. I took control of this when I realized that CHF could be managed and we don’t always need pills. Today I no longer take eleven heart pills, but only two. I do not recommend this action to anyone without your doctor’s guidance. I have cut all excess sodium out of my diet, I prepare heart healthy foods for myself and I was exercising as I safely could. Today, I am managing my heart failure.

New issues have come up and I am baffled as to what happens to our bodies when we are under stress. How could I not be stressed after the loss of my Jim! It is not something I consciously think about. I have undergone numerous tests that have been ordered by a neurologist, my spine surgeon, my urologist, and my Primary.

They are looking for something! I still do not have answers. I have a bacterial infection in several parts of my body. I am on the fifth treatment of Cipro for the blood in my bladder. I have a bladder that is still very angry and the biopsies are not in yet. It has been determined that I have spondylosis due to spinal degeneration throughout the spinal column. My neurologist is waiting to talk to me about the brain MRI and blood workup until I have the MRI on my cervical/thoracic spine. I have had x-rays of my entire spinal column and an MRI on the lumbar spine. I have completed 26 physical therapy sessions and some of the pain has eased but the condition I began this treatment for back in October is still the same.

Going back and forth to doctors is wearing me out. I have questions. Are all these tests for my benefit or for the protection of the doctors! Is it safe for me to continue on all the antibiotic treatments I have been on! When is enough, enough? How can someone who lives in the valley of the sun be vitamin D deficient! Some of my blood work is in the abnormal range, but I have to wait for two weeks to have my Primary explain them to me. I asked for the printed workup so I could see what was in the abnormal range. What’s creatinine anyway? And who is going to agree with cholesterol readings and how many statins one should be taking?

In the next few weeks I look forward to a trip to my urologist for yet another invasive test, a visit to radiology for the with and without contrast MRI of my cervical/thoracic spinal column, a visit to my neurologist when the MRI is completed, another visit with my spine surgeon who still wants me to have cortisone shots in the L/hip and thoracic area of my spine, a visit to my Primary doctor who thinks some of my blood tests need attention, my neurologist said that we will discuss treatment after the MRI results are in! Treatment for what?!

Help! I’m drowning! I need a foot massage, a haircut, a pedicure, a big box of chocolates (maybe two), a facial, and a dog to cuddle up with! Did I say I could use a hug?

I remain optimistic and continue my grief journey.

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Anne. What a saga you're enduring. I am so sorry. How I wish you had just one person to evaluate and coordinate and advise you on all of this doctoring you're experiencing. I don't know what has happened to our healthcare system ~ it seems so fragmented, so specialized, so obsessive, so expensive, so difficult to navigate. So much of this constant testing and follow-up seems like diagnostic overkill, doesn't it? And yet, if we ignore our doctors' advice, it is at our peril. Having gone through a decade of doctoring, diagnostic testing, orthopedic surgeries one after another, subsequent rehab and physical therapy, I do have some understanding of what you are experiencing, and my heart just hurts for you. I know that you are managing all of this all by yourself, and I cannot imagine how heavy a burden this must be for you to carry all alone. All we can offer you is our ongoing presence, our friendship, our prayers and our love ~ and yes, our long, warm hugs ~ even if they are virtual ones, from a distance.

[kayc]

Anne,

You have been poked and prodded more than any one person should have to. Your courage in the face of adversity is impressive! I am certain you are tired, worn out, would just like a reprieve and a "normal" day to not have to think about health. It is why I have not been back to the doctor even though I am still having ulcer symptoms. It's not as severe, as frequent, or as long in duration, but it is still there. I am sticking religiously to my diet so there shouldn't be anything upsetting my body (from food). I can't change the stress that enters my life, only my attitude towards it, and that remains a struggle for me. This has been an extremely hard hitting year financially, having the roof replaced, ramp replaced, and now I need a new heating system and my car needs worked on. I got two baby shower invitations for my DIL, and I have to choose because I can't afford to attend both and bring two gifts. I hate having to live so tight but it's how it is right now. The insurance company wants me to go to the doctor and the dentist wants to do a check up, x-rays, and cleaning, but I can't afford everything that's clamoring at once!

Yesterday I got the news that a friend died in a car accident. He was only 58. I babysat for his kids for years. His son died in a car accident a few years ago, and now his daughter will be left with the funeral arrangements, cleaning out his place, settling the estate, by herself. My heart breaks for her and her children.

Anne, You deserve the pedicure, massage, chocolate, and anything else you can think of that's of comfort. We have to pamper ourselves in any way that we can. And here's your (((hug)))!

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

My soul sister in grief. I am very pleased you are sharing this with us even thought many of us (especially me in far off England) are too distant to help. I've always known that western Medicine is, as Marty says, fragmented. It treats every part of the body separately whereas Chinese medicine treats the whole person. When Pete suffered from IBS he investigated what Chinese Medicine could do. I'm sure treatment in the US is marvellous once they find out what is wrong but all these tests? In the UK it's the same but with the limited resources they don't go so far unless you are a private patient. You need an intermediary or an advocate to guide you. I know your daughter is far away and I also know you don't want to worry her. A problem. It goes without saying how full of admiration I am but I also know (because it's so for me) that you are in pain with the feelings of grief, loneliness and loss on top of or beneath these challenges.

You can write as much here as you want. You can show your pain without needing to feel you should pretend.

I know you do have friends close at hand. Are they really close ones? Does someone go along with you for all these appointments? I hope so.

I'm thinking of you as you know. We are similar ages, had similarly close marriages to wonderful men. I've had a few health scares but they have on,y been scares. I'm hoping that the solution to your present problems are close at hand and effective. Keep writing A LOT!

Here is a big hug from me.

[feralfae]

Hi Anne,

I am sending many {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} to you, knowing how healing they can be.

It's a lot to endure all the tests, doctor visits, invasive poking and prodding, and also the uncertainty of not know what is going on and what can be done.

I wish we could be there with you to give face-to-face hugs and to be an emotional support present with you in your space. Some weeks, when I have two counseling sessions, tests at the hospital, and a couple of doctor visits, I feel not only overwhelmed, but overworked by all the procedures and the need to be present and alert in case something is forgotten, which actually happens often, even with my doctors. About the only thing that saves me and keeps me going after these grueling days is that I can visit face-to-face with one of my girlfriends or godchildren and get some hugs. I hope you have people nearby who can give you some hugs.

I also hope you are asking for help from Care Bears so that you not only do not need to do all the driving, but so that you also have some company and some supportive conversations with someone who knows you.

I am sending much love and hugs to you, dear Anne. I hope you have some peaceful time today, and that the rain has softened things a bit, and that you are able to sit outside and enjoy the flowers and the birds.

fae

[enna]

WOW! I feel loved. I learned a long time ago that worrying does us no good. I still do, but I work on not ~ if that makes sense.

I understand the need for all the diagnostic testing because our bodies are complicated. I would so prefer to allow nature to take care of things. Being an optimist, I am certain things will be sorted out in their own time. I have no running around to do for three days.

Today the sun is out, the air is fresher, and it is the first day of spring.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

I was able to be here only briefly yesterday, but long enough to nab Amberly to ask her to read your post before she left for work. You were in my thoughts and prayers often throughout the day, and until I went to sleep last night.

I thought it absurd (still do) for you not to be kept informed regarding your test results. Being kept informed should be included among the Patients' Rights. Amberly said that although she agrees with what I just said, it is common and routine for specialists to gather information from many tests before sharing this information with their patients. She said also that because these specialists deal with the same kinds of things almost every day of their lives, such becomes simply routine for them, and they often don't remember how agonizing the waiting is for their patients. Some care a lot, and some care little. She did say, several times, to ask you to please don't go off your Cipro, and that it is very important that you don't. She said that the doctor will likely change the antibiotic after a while. Switching back and forth is common for stubborn infections. Cipro is a good antibiotic for the bladder.

I think the tests are for your protection and that of your doctor's license. The latter I understand also, for doctors are being "battered" by new laws (their ways of treating are being changed on threat of disciplinary action; we have several good friends who are choosing to retire rather than change how they treat). It's better to have all these tests than to not have a needed one. Some doctors have been greedy, and as a result, some people will not be able to have needed tests in future. Because of Amberly's work, I hear her frustration after she's done battle with insurance companies on behalf of her patients (also with hospitals and universities who will not accept "Obamacare"; most people have insurance now, but many have little coverage).

I believe the new laws about not having several tests done at the same time are wrong and maddening. Their purpose is keep down the number of "unnecessary" (?) tests. Amberly is affected by this, because she herself needs several tests done in Modesto, and must put in for time off work for different tests to be done on different days. She's needed these same tests (all done at the same place) annually for several years, but now must schedule for three different days when all tests could be completed within an hour or two.

You are right in what you said about worry. As Corrie ten Boom said, "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength." Even so, I'm so danged good at worrying. I received an "A+" in "Worry 101," but I tell myself that is "old school," and I need to go back to college for "Trust 101." Like you, I'm trying to do better about worry, and so we will.

Indeed you are so loved, and by so many, including me. We all want so much to do "something" to make these scary days easier for you. Like the others, I send you love and long, warm hugs.

Carrie

[kayc]

I am so thankful for my doctors ordering all those ultrasounds, blood tests, EKG, everything they did before my surgery. I feel like for the first time in my life, I have a base line, which is really important at this age!