Changes I'm Making

[Wifflesnook]

Anne this is such sad news and I am keeping all of you in my heart. Jan

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, as well as for your family. You know I've been praying for you, and I will continue.

Our programmer passed a church sign on his way to the airport a few days ago that read: God answers knee mail.

I like that.

I am just now reading this. Jerry had really bad pain for a night and a day, so I've missed several important posts. I'm sorry. I care about all that is happening regarding your health. I care about all here. I try to write late at night, only to discover much of what I've written is due to my finger being stuck on a key while I'm more asleep than awake. I'm sleep typing. Late at night is often my only time. You know that is not a complaint; it's an "explaint."

Jerry is still weak and wobbly, but appears to be getting better. He was able to walk around the yard today. He tries so hard to do all he can to help himself

Hugs,

Carrie

[feralfae]

Carrie,

You know we are all holding you in our hearts, dear one.

I remember so well those days and nights when our time sense was disrupted, and yes, sleep typing was common as it was the only time to update the CaringBridge site, which so many people around the world read. Thank goodness for CB, because it kept my correspondence at a fairly manageable level.

I Love 'G*d answers knee mail'! I come from a tradition of standing in prayer, but I understand the meaning of knee mail. There is a pervasive awe that shifts our spirits when we pray. I think a lot of spirit level meditation carries that sense of awe as well, and I know during silence at Meeting for Worship, that awe is present. There are other emotional harmonics as well, aren't there? Gratitude, love, belonging, trust, self-compassion, and so much more. All the facets of love.

Even if you sleep type, we will be happy to hear from you. But if you are not careful, you will go on the "watch list" and then Anne might come after you until you get a bit more rest. This tribe has a very tough set of rest and relaxation vigilantes. Angels.

I hope Jerry is feeling better, and that you two are out flying planes again soon. Please know that we all understand that you must, like many of us, come and go. This is your place, and its paths are always open to you, whenever you can be here among us or we read your words. We will try to fill in the gaps of caring when you need to be away. You are a wonderfully loving and compassionate spirit, and I am so thankful that you have joined us around Marty's healing fire.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[LadyCarrie]

Bless your dear and precious heart, Fae. Again, it is late, but I wanted to check in. What a happy surprise your letter is! Thank you so much for all your kind words. I'm so grateful. They mean so much to me. Thank you for caring.

As for prayer, I believe God hears our hearts and thoughts always (some thoughts, I'd rather He not!). It is our relationship with Him that matters. For me, prayer is talking with our Father, so I just talk with Him as I go about my day, and try to listen. At church, some prayers are offered while standing, and others while kneeling. When I'm really scared, I'm on my face!

Meditation can be/is prayer, I think. Both are parts of worship, and both are important.

Jerry has pain again tonight, but we hope and pray for a better day tomorrow. We did get to stand on the back deck this afternoon and watch an impressive, dark thunderstorm over the next mountain. Not a drop of water did we get. Much of the time while Jerry watched the lightning zig-zagging across the sky, I was watching the excitement in his eyes, trying to sear the look into my mind. Since Amberly didn't work ER Satutday, I'd hoped she could drive us out to the old golf course to fly his drone. He didnt feel up to it. Maybe next time we can nab her.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[enna]

Thank you for all your kind words and prayers for my BIL. When he was taken to the ER last Thursday he was critical. Things are improving slowly. He has gained a few pounds (he hadn’t eaten for almost two weeks as far as anyone knows), yesterday the PT had him up and he walked a few feet. They are preparing him to go to a rehab facility and are not talking about any outcome.

My BIL has lost the will to go on. The death of my sister in 2010 broke his spirit.

I pray that he finds peace and ask you for continued prayers.

I continue to keep all of you in my heart as we travel this grief journey we are on. What a sacred place this is ~ I never get tired of saying that.

Remember to be kind to yourselves. When we care for ourselves we are better able to care for others.

"Let your heart guide you, it whispers, so listen closely." ~ The Land Before Time

[feralfae]

[kayc]

Anne, I am so sorry, I am late getting this but I will start praying for him. I hope he feels better soon!

[kayc]

Carrie,

I'm sorry Jerry is feeling so poorly. It's hard on the spouse when one isn't well too!

[LadyCarrie]

Thank you for caring, Kay. Your caring, and the caring of others here, means so much to me. On Jerry's "good days," I sometimes wonder whether I'm being hyper-vigilant, and over-reacting. Life feels a bit normal, so just perhaps all will become good again. On his not-good days, I know I'm facing reality, and I frantically search for a place of peace and safety. I feel like I have to "go somewhere," but there's nowhere to go. As I just told Amberly, I must remind myself that our Place of Peace and Safety is a Who rather than any physical place. And I also tell myself to quit holding my breath, and to just breathe, Anne. Thank you.

Hugs, ❤️

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Anne, we are still praying for you and for your brother-in-law. Perhaps he will feel better emotionally by having people around him as they help him get better physically. A broken spirit feels as bad as, if not worse than, broken physical health. His weight gain will help him feel stronger perhaps.

Carrie

[kayc]

I haven't heard an update from you in a while, Anne, how are you doing? How is your BIL doing?

Carrie, I know that feeling of holding my breath. It's amazing that we have to remind ourselves to breathe, but we do!

[enna]

Here I go again ~ first, my BIL is in a rehab facility. My niece is still with her Dad. His recovery will be slow and will depend on his will to get better! It does not look like he will be getting back to his own home.

When I met with the spine surgeon he told me that the spinal cord is good and there is no nerve damage so the focus will be on PT and cortisone injections. He knows that I resist the latter!

The neurologist is working with my urologist now and it has been decided that I will begin the PTNS treatments or better known as percutaneous tibial nerve stimulation! Say that three times fast!

So today I entered into the world of Neuromodulation ~ a medical method that works like acupuncture only approved by Medicare and most secondary insurances! After many questions and realizing that this was the next step in dealing with my medical issue I bravely went for my first session of a series of twelve thirty-minute treatments. There go the next eleven Monday mornings of my life!

This procedure is non-invasive ~ something I chose over having any surgery. No risks unless there is mild pain or skin inflammation at or near the stimulation site.

I entered the office and was taken to a room with an assortment of strange medical chairs. I was sorry that I did not have my camera. The chair I was directed to was a simple armchair with a footstool. A sterile pad was placed on the footstool. I had to take my shoe off (glad I had my turquoise pedicure to show off), the bottom of my foot was wiped with a sterile pad and a small pad similar to those used when one has an EKG was placed on the bottom of my foot, then a small needle (similar to an acupuncture needle) was tapped into the skin near my ankle, there were leads to a small machine and once attached I was told to let the nurse know when the needle-like electrodes started to move up my leg. She told me that it should not be painful but that I should be able to feel a tingling sensation in my foot and on my leg. We stopped at a number that I could tolerate and there I sat for thirty minutes reading a real book (no iPad for fear of being electrocuted) that you turn pages to called The Final Act of Living by Barbara Karnes, RN ~ it’s been on my shelf for months with many of the other books I haven’t gotten to yet.

My doctor came in and answered any questions I still had. He assured me that this has worked for most patients in the past. He also told me that after six treatments we should have an idea that it is working. If it is working, I’ll continue with the remaining six treatments and hopefully not need any further ones. If it has been found that I still need further treatments then a schedule of monthly treatments would begin for another six months as maintenance.

I have made a promise to myself that after this I do not want to see another doctor for a long, long time. I know I won’t be accepting an invitation to have any more tests done on this body of mine!

Oh yes, I still have to see my heart doctor but I’m not scared of him anymore ~ after all I have had four specialists in the last months ask me how I have managed to get my heart failure under control. Always remember that what works for one does not mean that it will work for another so I hesitate to give my secrets away.

Today I treated myself to two Harry London Chocolate Truffles and will do so every Monday.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the update. I'm really sorry to learn that your brother-in-law likely won't be able to go back to his home. This is one of the saddest things that can happen to people, I think. Depending on the rehab he's in, he just might decide he wants to live. Perhaps with a lot of caring attention, he can get better. That will be our hope and prayer. It's his grief that causes me much concern for him.

I'm excited for you regarding your new treatment plan, and I'm happy you had such pretty toenails to show off. I think you have a plan now that will help you. I especially like the little-to-no-pain part.

I'm happy also that you treated yourself to the truffles. You deserve a treat.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[kayc]

Well all the same, if I have heart problems, it's you I'll be calling, understanding there's no guarantees. You deserve chocolate truffles! And maybe you'll get your book finished over the next 11 weeks. Anything "like acupuncture" has my vote! I wish Western medicine embraced it, it's one of the oldest successful treatments there are. I'm with you on the cortisone shots! Long term price for short term relief, IF it helps at all!

I'm sorry to hear about your BIL. Wasn't he the one who lost his wife so doesn't have much will to live?

[Queeniemary]

Anne, so sorry about your BIL, hope he can regain the will to live. Not being able to go home will make that worse I think.

Reading about the PTNS treatment was really interesting. Had no idea they could do this kind of thing. Really pulling for you, you know! Love the turquoise pedicure....sounds very Arizona!!!!

QMary

[enna]

From my niece on 4/29/15 ~ An update on my BIL

“Dad is getting a little stronger every day. He likes the rehab facility and his physical therapist Chris, but HATES being away from his home. Now he has a personal goal to go home soon- makes him work harder. ONLY his doctor, Director of Nursing, and PT will know when that day will be. I got a little down in the dumps a few days ago. It's hard to see the different levels of physical abilities in the residents where dad is staying. Makes me go to the car and cry. Makes me feel blessed to be "young" and mostly healthy. You knew I grew up spending a lot of time in Brookings. My little footprints were all over this place. My grandparents were from there, my dad was born there and went to college there. On my way to pick up some personal items for my dad at his house, I stopped by the park I played at when I was a little girl. I stood in spots where I stood over 50 years ago with my great grandma, grandma, mom. I heard children laughing and squealing. I smiled again. The sound of children's laughter is contagious. Their joy is contagious. My inner child came out. I got on a swing and flew in the air! I felt the Midwest sun and air on my face. I didn't break the swing or hurt any muscles J Told dad our new saying is "one hour at a time"...

The news today is somewhat promising about my BIL. He has decided that if he is going to be able to return to his home, he will need in home help as well as continued PT. He has quite a bit of rehab to work on and this desire to return home seems to be a goal he has set for himself.

Thank you for all your prayers. Keep them coming. My niece has been such a precious daughter in all of this. It has been a very hard road for her to travel and she remains near her dad in Brookings SD and will not return to CO until she knows her dad is on the road to healing.

[MartyT]

Prayers will continue, of course. ♥

Clearly your niece comes from very good stock, dear Anne

[kayc]

I like your niece! And this is a very good report, the will to live being crucial to recovery.

[LadyCarrie]

Thank you for this update, Anne. I was wondering whether rehab is helping him want to live. I'm so glad to hear there is improvement. Your niece is special ~ and fun! I'll continue to pray.

Hugs,

Carrie

[Wifflesnook]

Your BIL is lucky to have such a lovely daughter Anne.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for the positive report. Your niece is certainly a loving and good person, and she writes with warmth and intimacy about her life, feelings and the situation. I know you are comforted to hear this report from her. I am glad things are going better, that new goals are in place, and that rehab is bringing good changes.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Sometimes we have to sit with our pain before we begin to know how to accept our new reality. It is hard to be where we are in our pain. I am trying to accept where I am each day ~ to allow the emotions that surface and let that be alright. Change is not easy, but sometimes it is the only way we can grow. That is what I think.

Give me a resilient heart;
one that ever expands in love
and does not recoil confronting pain,
ever pliant to the needs
of those you place in my path.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

Beautiful, truly beautiful. Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

♥

[enna]

Changing

Working through my grief I have become aware that I am not who I used to be. It's not that I haven't been aware of change in my life. It's that I never reflected on it. Grief has become a solitary journey when it should be a communal one. We are not meant to grieve alone and that is one reason I am thankful for this forum. Our grief is welcome here and that helps to make it communal.

I suppose I shouldn’t blame it on the death of my Jim rather realize that we all change as we move through the cycles of life.

I know that am not changing because of one instant in my life rather my awareness to change only seems more evident because of my loss. Jim’s death has changed me. I am more tolerant of others. I am a better listener. I am more appreciative of each day and want to spend as much time in nature as I can. A song brings tears to my eyes. A piece of art stops me in my tracks and I stare and spend time with it. I notice how long a hummer stays on the Hibiscus bush and listen to the doves calling ~ it used to irritate me, but now I want to know what they are saying.

I'm taking a webinar class with Francis Well and Carolyn Baker titled 'Grief and Joy in a Flatline Culture." It is a two-part series and when I attend the second part next Thursday I will have more to share. The one thing I'll share now is a point made last night by Francis Weller when he said that the value of grief softens us. I believe this.

Everyday
the darkness
completes me.
How it does this,
I must decide -
Will I expend all that I am
and resign myself
to a crushing
consummation?
Or, surrounded
by the darkness,
Will I shine on?

~Daniele Saba-Poet 2015